Abstract: Among a fringe community of paranoids, aluminum helmets serve as the protective measure of choice against invasive radio signals. We investigate the efficacy of three aluminum helmet designs on a sample group of four individuals. Using a $250,000 network analyser, we find that although on average all helmets attenuate invasive radio frequencies in either directions (either emanating from an outside source, or emanating from the cranium of the subject), certain frequencies are in fact greatly amplified. These amplified frequencies coincide with radio bands reserved for government use according to the Federal Communication Commission (FCC). Statistical evidence suggests the use of helmets may in fact enhance the government’s invasive abilities. We theorize that the government may in fact have started the helmet craze for this reason.
And a rebuttal:
A recent MIT study  calls into question the effectiveness of Aluminum Foil Deflector Beanies. However, there are serious flaws in this study, not the least of which is a complete mischaracterization of the process of psychotronic mind control. I theorize that the study is, in fact, NWO propaganda designed to spread FUD against deflector beanie technology, and aluminum shielding in general, in order to disembeanie paranoids, leaving them open to mind control.
Posted on November 12, 2005 at 10:43 AM •
“Study Reveals Pittsburgh Unprepared for Full-Scale Zombie Attack“:
A zombie-preparedness study, commissioned by Pittsburgh Mayor Tom Murphy and released Monday, indicates that the city could easily succumb to a devastating zombie attack. Insufficient emergency-management-personnel training and poorly conceived undead-defense measures have left the city at great risk for all-out destruction at the hands of the living dead, according to the Zombie Preparedness Institute.
“When it comes to defending ourselves against an army of reanimated human corpses, the officials in charge have fallen asleep at the wheel,” Murphy said. “Who’s in charge of sweep-and-burn missions to clear out infected areas? Who’s going to guard the cemeteries at night? If zombies were to arrive in the city tomorrow, we’d all be roaming the earth in search of human brains by Friday.”
From The Onion, of course.
Posted on October 22, 2005 at 10:33 AM •
I want “The Devil’s Infosec Dictionary” to be funnier. And I wish the entry that mentions me — “Cryptography: The science of applying a complex set of mathematical algorithms to sensitive data with the aim of making Bruce Schneier exceedingly rich” — were more true.
In any case, I’ll bet the assembled here can come up with funnier infosec dictionary definitions. Post them as comments here, and — if there are enough good ones — I’ll collect them up on a single page.
Posted on August 13, 2005 at 10:48 AM •
From The Onion:
Arizona Man Steals Bush’s Identity, Vetoes Bill, Meets with Mexican President
WASHINGTON, DC–Confusion and disbelief reigned at the White House after President Bush announced Monday that an Arizona man, known to authorities only as H4xX0r1337, stole his identity and used it to buy electronic goods, veto a bill, and meet with Mexican President Vicente Fox.
“This is incredibly frustrating,” Bush told reporters Tuesday. “Not only does this guy have my credit-card information, he has my Social Security number, all my personal information, and the launch codes for a number of ballistic intercontinental nuclear missiles. I almost don’t want to think about it.”
For those readers who don’t know, The Onion publishes fake funny news items.
Posted on May 13, 2005 at 4:39 PM •
Sidebar photo of Bruce Schneier by Joe MacInnis.