Entries Tagged "humor"

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More on Port Security

From Defective Yeti:

Sark Defends Port Deal

Sark today sought to quell the growing controversy over his decision to grant the MCP control of several major ports throughout the region.

“I believe that this arrangement with the Master Control Program should go forward,” Sark told reporters aboard Solar Sailer One. He emphasized that security would continued to be handled by Tank and Recognizer programs, with the MCP only be in charge of port operations.

But Dumont, guardian of the I/O towers, voiced skepticism. “I could understand ceding authority over ports 21 and 80,” said Dumont. “But port 443? That’s supposed to be secure!”

The public’s reaction to the plan has also been overwhelmingly negative. “No no no,” said a bit upon hearing the news. “No no no no.” Others were more blunt. “Sark should be de-rezzed for even proposing this,” said Ram, a financial program.

Sark, who has repeatedly denied having ties to the MCP, has insisted that the hand-over go through, and says that he will vigorously resist any effort to block it. But programs such as Yori are equally adamant that the deal be scuttled. “My User,” she said, “have we already forgotten the lessons of 1000222846?”

Posted on February 27, 2006 at 6:12 AMView Comments

How to Survive a Robot Uprising

It’s Friday, so why not something a little silly?

This is a good start:

i’m reading about how to survive a robot uprising. i’m not gonna give away all the secrets, but i’ll share a few…

  • choose a complex environment. waterfalls, street traffic, and places with lots of ambient noise confuse the robots.
  • lose your heat signature. smear yourself with mud and leaves and sit real still.
  • use uncommon words to suss out robots on the phone. robots do not know how to pronounce supercalifragilisticexpealidocious.
  • find a blunt weapon. serrated edges won’t work on robo exo-skeletons. nope.
  • alter your stride. robots can judge gait and injury, even height and intention, by stride, so put some rocks in your shoes and mix things up a bit. doing some ministry of silly walks stuff goes even further towards confusing them.
  • pretend that everything is normal. to forstall a mechanized killing spree, you must pretend that nothing is amiss.

Surely we can do better. Any other suggestions?

EDITED TO ADD (1/30): Okay, it was Tuesday.

EDITED TO ADD (2/14): There’s a book. Also a zombie survival guide.

Posted on January 24, 2006 at 2:52 PMView Comments

The Doghouse: Super Cipher P2P Messenger

Super Cipher P2P Messenger uses “unbreakable Infinity bit Triple Layer Socket Encryption for completely secure communication.”

Wow. That sure sounds secure.

EDITED TO ADD (2/15): More humor from their website:

Combining today’s most advanced encryption techniques, and expanding on them. The maximum encryption cipher size is Infinity! Which means each bit of your file or message is encrypted uniquely, with no repetition. You define a short key in the program, this key is used in an algorithm to generate the Random Infinity bit Triple Cipher. Every time you send a message or file, even if it is exactly the same, the Triple Cipher completely changes; hence then name ‘Random’. Using this method a hackers chances of decoding your messages or file is one to infinity. In fact, I challenge anyone in the world to try and break a single encrypted message; because it can’t be done. Brute Force and pattern searching will never work. The Encryption method Super Cipher P2P Messenger uses is unbreakable.

Posted on January 24, 2006 at 12:51 PMView Comments

Sidebar photo of Bruce Schneier by Joe MacInnis.