Schneier on Security
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December 24, 2005
New TSA Guidelines from The Onion
The Onion has a new set of TSA guidelines.
Posted on December 24, 2005 at 12:19 PM
• 12 Comments
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Excellent. I was hoping they would add a free reach around to the body cavity search. On a related topic, I was thinking it would be neat to start my own airline. We would have metal detectors like any other, but if no weapon was found on you, you would be provided with one. I can't think of a name for it. Possibly "Armed Air" or "High Redneck".
"Leave the flying to us, and we'll leave the shooting to you."
I'm ok with the new cheddar regulations, as long as they let me on board with my Fiscalini or a Montgomery.
Heh! Yeeeaaahhh! "Armed Air"...
We could offer Frequent Shooter Miles to attract passengers who are more accomplished marksmen!
i am seeking venture capital to form the world's first nude airline, where all the passengers have to fly nude. anybody interested?
High Redneck Airlines: each window has a gun rack!
The copyright-infringing Playboy mudflaps on that sucker will look impressive at cruising altitudes. Who cares if the excessive drag caused by leaving the landing gear down all the time increases their fuel costs? It'll look cool, and the other airlines will be totally green with envy. "Fly High Redneck Air, and leave the flying to us perfessionals."
However, the pilots will have to put their "Pissing Calvin" knockoff stickers somewhere else than the cockpit windows, due to some FAA reg or other.
If I recall properly, the second item on that list is basically the ultimate security device, as presented in "1984" as one of the two unattainable technologies the state was seeking.
Present forms of security for airlines must derive some judgment of a passenger's intent from what they have with them or what a database knows. If we could read that intent directly, we would live in a world both safer - on some level - and enormously scarier.
Hey--maybe the TSA will start testing semen for depleted uranium or higher-level poisons! I can't wait--knowing how they usually operate... Fly me! I'm Trinity!
So, they will ban Wisconsin Cheddar, but not Limburger?
Something definitely smells cheesy about that one.
Interested? Certainly but only if I can do all the interviews for the air hostesses.
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