Another "Movie Plot" Threat

“Study Reveals Pittsburgh Unprepared for Full-Scale Zombie Attack“:

A zombie-preparedness study, commissioned by Pittsburgh Mayor Tom Murphy and released Monday, indicates that the city could easily succumb to a devastating zombie attack. Insufficient emergency-management-personnel training and poorly conceived undead-defense measures have left the city at great risk for all-out destruction at the hands of the living dead, according to the Zombie Preparedness Institute.

“When it comes to defending ourselves against an army of reanimated human corpses, the officials in charge have fallen asleep at the wheel,” Murphy said. “Who’s in charge of sweep-and-burn missions to clear out infected areas? Who’s going to guard the cemeteries at night? If zombies were to arrive in the city tomorrow, we’d all be roaming the earth in search of human brains by Friday.”

From The Onion, of course.

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Posted on October 22, 2005 at 10:33 AM • 16 Comments

Comments

jammit • October 22, 2005 7:38 PM

Zombies wouldn’t be too bad. We could always use them as airport screeners. Zombies are probably easier to train.

Brerarnold • October 23, 2005 6:10 PM

The Glock is OK, but 50 rounds might not be much in the event of a serious zombie outbreak. And remember, head shots only!

Ed T. • October 24, 2005 6:44 AM

And if you don’t have a Glock 17 handy, you can use a regular old pistol of any caliber. Simply drill a hole in the tip of the bullet (or use a hollow-point if you got ’em), then fill the hole with molten wax. Let harden, and BAM! you have an exploding bullet. Great for turning zombie brains into wall decorations.

Of course, if the invaders are Martians instead of zombies, simply play some of that good old-time crooning music from the late 40s-early 50s, and their heads will go POP! on their very own. 😉

-EdT.

HCR • October 24, 2005 7:05 AM

@ Ed T.

A grizzeled old army bod I used to know once said, “put mercury in befor the wax”.

I asked him why being the curious soul I am, and he said “If you wing the B***r he’ll still die in a week or so, painfully as his kidneys die”.

Arturo Quirantes • October 25, 2005 4:01 AM

Zombie attacks are old, very old news. The whole world is infested and we’re hopeless as they keep top government posts and we cannot shoot them. Only we call them politicians. D’oh!

jayh • October 25, 2005 8:20 AM

Of course, if the invaders are Martians instead of zombies, simply play some of that good old-time crooning music from the late 40s-early 50s, and their heads will go POP! on their very own. ;-)<<

“just once I’d like to encounter aliens who were not immune to bullets”

(from an old Dr. Who)

Courtney Gidts • November 14, 2005 11:19 AM

I’ve managed to save up roughly $32121 in my bank account, but I’m not sure if I should buy a house or not. Do you think the market is stable or do you think that home prices will decrease by a lot?

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