Entries Tagged "humor"

Page 18 of 24

Perpetual Doghouse: Meganet

I first wrote about Meganet in 1999, in a larger article on cryptographic snake-oil, and formally put them in the doghouse in 2003:

They build an alternate reality where every cryptographic algorithm has been broken, and the only thing left is their own system. “The weakening of public crypto systems commenced in 1997. First it was the 40-bit key, a few months later the 48-bit key, followed by the 56-bit key, and later the 512 bit has been broken…” What are they talking about? Would you trust a cryptographer who didn’t know the difference between symmetric and public-key cryptography? “Our technology… is the only unbreakable encryption commercially available.” The company’s founder quoted in a news article: “All other encryption methods have been compromised in the last five to six years.” Maybe in their alternate reality, but not in the one we live in.

Their solution is to not encrypt data at all. “We believe there is one very simple rule in encryption: if someone can encrypt data, someone else will be able to decrypt it. The idea behind VME is that the data is not being encrypted nor transferred. And if it’s not encrypted and not transferred, there is nothing to break. And if there’s nothing to break, it’s unbreakable.” Ha ha; that’s a joke. They really do encrypt data, but they call it something else.

Read the whole thing; it’s pretty funny.

They’re still around, and they’re still touting their snake-oil “virtual matrix encryption.” (The patent is finally public, and if someone can reverse-engineer the combination of patentese and gobbledygook into an algorithm, we can finally see how actually awful it really is.) The tech on their website is better than it was in 2003, but it’s still pretty hokey.

Back in 2005, they got their product FIPS 140-1 certified (#505 on this page). The certification was for their AES implementation, but they’re sneakily implying that VME was certified. From their website: “The Strength of a Megabit Encryption (VME). The Assurance of a 256 Bit Standard (AES). Both Technologies Combined in One Certified Module! FIPS 140-2 CERTIFICATE # 505.”

Just goes to show that with a bit of sleight-of-hand you can get anything FIPS 140 certified.

Posted on June 14, 2007 at 1:05 PMView Comments

Security-Related April Fool's Jokes

My favorite so far: “Window Transparency Information Disclosure.”

An information disclosure attack can be launched against buildings that make use of windows made of glass or other transparent materials by observing externally-facing information through the window.

There’s also “Technology retrieves sounds in the wall“:

Every wall in a room is made up of millions and millions of atoms. Each atom is a collection of electrons, protons and neutrons – all electrically charged and constantly moving.

When anyone inside the four walls of a room speaks, the sound carries energy that travels in waves and hits the walls. When this voice energy hits the atoms in a wall the electrons and protons are disturbed.

Each word spoken hits the atoms with a different energy level and disturbs the atoms differently.

Scientists have worked on the software and technology that can measure how each atom has been disturbed and match each unique disturbance with a unique word.

The technology virtually “replays” the sequence of words that have been spoken inside the walls. It’s like rewinding a tape recorder and you can go as far back in history as you want.

If you find any others, please post them in the comments. This is the canonical list of April Fool’s jokes on the web.

EDITED TO ADD (4/1): “Threat Alert” Jesus.

EDITED TO ADD (4/2): And this by Jim Harper.

Posted on April 1, 2007 at 11:23 AMView Comments

Al-Qaeda or Teens?

From The Onion:

“In this day and age, it’s important for law-enforcement officials to consider global threats as well as local ones,” Steinhorst said. “We could be dealing with an al-Qaeda sleeper cell attempting to collect information that they could use to plan a terrorist strike or some of those goth kids who knocked over that mailbox. Neither group has any respect for the law.”

Excellent parody.

Posted on March 28, 2007 at 3:45 PMView Comments

1 16 17 18 19 20 24

Sidebar photo of Bruce Schneier by Joe MacInnis.