Fourth Annual Movie-Plot Threat Contest

Let's face it, the War on Terror is a tired brand. There just isn't enough action out there to scare people. If this keeps up, people will forget to be scared. And then both the terrorists and the terror-industrial complex lose. We can't have that.

We're going to help revive the fear. There's plenty to be scared about, if only people would just think about it in the right way. In this Fourth Movie-Plot Threat Contest, the object is to find an existing event somewhere in the industrialized world—Third World events are just too easy—and provide a conspiracy theory to explain how the terrorists were really responsible.

The goal here is to be outlandish but plausible, ridiculous but possible, and—if it were only true—terrifying. (An example from The Onion: Fowl Qaeda.) Entries should be formatted as a news story, and are limited to 150 words (I'm going to check this time) because fear needs to be instilled in a population with short attention spans. Submit your entry, by the end of the month, in comments.

The First Movie-Plot Threat Contest rules and winner. The Second Movie-Plot Threat Contest rules, semifinalists, and winner. The Third Movie-Plot Theat Contest rules, semifinalists, and winner.

EDITED TO ADD: The contest has ended; the winner is here

Posted on April 1, 2009 at 6:37 AM

Comments

periApril 1, 2009 7:31 AM

I have been looking forward to this for months. Sadly the last few months have seemed to have been over the top as fast as movie plot threats go but at least that should make this year's competition all the more interesting.

MysticKnightoftheSeaApril 1, 2009 7:35 AM

(This is too easy - there MUST be a better one...)

It is a well known fact that cockroaches often find their way into the machinery for making peanuts into peanut butter.

Aware of this fact, the agents of Al Qaida set up a breeding program and innoculated said Blatidae with salmonella and set them loose in the vicinity of a test site - with great results. Much of our economy disrupted and tons of peanutbutter thrown away, and even a few deaths.

Unfortunately, some beetles got into the chic-pea supply. Hence the swearing off of hummus during Ramadan...

--MKotS

BazApril 1, 2009 8:07 AM

Red Mercury: the war on children.

For years, we have used mercury in thermometers without worry. Yet recently, fringe theorists have blamed mercury for the rise of autism and other diseases. What has changed? Over the last 20 years, mercury mines in the USA have closed, and the world is now largely dependent on supplies from China and the islamic republic of Kyrgyzstan. Hundreds of tons of mercury are entering the country every year under the very noses of customs officers. Now we have discovered that both Chinese and Kyrgyzstani mercury are highly toxic. What possible motive could these countries have for producing so much of this toxic chemical? You need only join the dots – in the midst of an obesity crisis, the USA has become easy prey for those who would put their mercury in our fillings.

(138 words. Hmm, not really an event tho. BTW, those are the biggest two world suppliers, but not to the US - I'm just doing the newspaper thing of sticking unrelated facts together)

BazApril 1, 2009 8:10 AM

Ugh, missed a connection. Should read "in the midst of an obesity crisis, sweet-toothed Americans have become easy prey..." etc

Trichinosis USAApril 1, 2009 8:14 AM

Are false flag operation descriptions allowed? Then again, do we really want to give them (more) ideas?

Keith StevensApril 1, 2009 8:16 AM

Two small gangs with easily available assault rifles shoot their way into the Indian River nuclear power plant (plus another one for the extra "coordinated attack" fear bonus points). Once inside, they threaten to melt it down unless demands are met (instead of an announcement and suicide attack). They have a red LCD timer mechanism and an elaborate escape route.

The terrorists coordinate the attacks in public on Facebook calling it a "kegger" with "beer" meaning weapons. Thus eluding authorities and causing a clampdown on campus beer parties that could also be possible terrorist planning sessions.

KeithApril 1, 2009 9:08 AM

**Election Result was the work of terrorists**
Al Qaeda has been secretly training voters for years, claimed security experts today. Last November, Osama bin Laden’s terror group flooded ballot boxes in key swing states with legitimate votes from specially trained insurgent voters.
Security experts examining the votes in Alexandria, VA, have discovered that while John McCain got almost exactly the same vote as Bush four years earlier, all the additional votes, some nine thousand of them, were cast for Democrat Barack Obama.
Areas with large numbers of first-time voters went overwhelmingly for President Obama, while it was in those areas with few new voters that Senator McCain won the ballot.
Federal Election Commission officials have now warned state electoral officers to immediately delete from their voting rolls anyone whose place of birth cannot be determined as being within the USA.

wiredogApril 1, 2009 9:16 AM

The Tairists create a superpowerful worm that activates on April First and rickrolls the entire planet.

MUAHAHAHAHAA!

dmcApril 1, 2009 9:17 AM

The Day the Twittering Stopped

Angry birds gather ominously around the Twitter datacenter. As system administrators file out of the building, birds mercilessly attack them. Meanwhile other feathered batallions take pickaxes and backhoes to beaks and cut telecommunications cables.

As the Twitter servers begin to lose connectivity, users around the world experience Twitter brownouts and then...a dismayed total silence. Congressmen panic at being unable to tout their latest grandstanding. Journalists sweat bullets at being unable to report their scoops on bankruptcies occurring in the last 20 minutes. Teenagers (biological and overgrown) are unable to share their impressions on the relative merits of the American Idol contestants and judges. Progress and civilization as we know them grind to a halt.

The final shot shows an AK-47 wielding Big Bird forcing his way into the Oval Office, yelling, "The Avian People take back our birthright! Twittering for the birds, Forever!"

SteveJApril 1, 2009 9:30 AM

Al Qaeda Linked to Pranking

Islamist terrorists are responsible for up to 34% of "harmless" pranks, said the Department of Homeland Security today.

"Analysis shows that 27% of tricks, 31% of japes, and as much as 49% of foolery is the responsibility of enemies of this country", said Irma Joka, deputy under-secretary of foolological investigations. "The simple fact is that a smokescreen is being created. Today, a blinking LED forces us to spend $20 million on a three-week investigation. Everyone laughs, the joke's on us. Tomorrow, that will be a real bomb, and police could not act for fear of ridicule."

"We simply don't know what this is all leading to. But they're up to something".

Under a rider attached to TALF legislation, law-enforcement officials are obliged from Wednesday midnight to respond to pranks with deadly force. Citizens are requested also to avoid irony and especially sarcasm in public places.

David ElyApril 1, 2009 9:35 AM

Each year forest fires cost many American lives, devastate our wilderness, and burn down communities. 2009 could be the year terrorists catch on! Imagine the damage just a dozen terrorists armed with matches and the kindling our own natural resources provide could do!

Solution: banning the sale of matches and lighters without proper permits would be a good start, but terrorists may smuggle them across the borders. To keep us safe, all uninhabited parkland and forests should be closed.

devonkerrApril 1, 2009 9:35 AM

The Green Revolution's Secret Agenda:

Science shows, conclusively, that recent efforts to cleanse the planet of pollution released since the Industrial Revolution have been marginally successful. This comes as good news for the NRO and NSA, who have struggled to peer through atmospheric pollution since spy satellites were first deployed. We were able to interview Senior Agent John Smith, who had this to say, "We just couldn't be happier, Chip - I don't think you have any idea just how hard it was to read someone's bank statements from space through a polluted troposphere."

Mr. Smith had nothing but good things to say about the enthusiasm of young people whom he credits with strengthening our national security. "You are all patriots," he said, after which he tearfully saluted and disappeared into a crowd.

Armchair DissidentApril 1, 2009 9:37 AM

The hand of Al Qaida may be behind the current economic recession, financial analysts announced today. With more and more Western money being held by rogue regimes in the East and Middle-East, forecasters have discovered that the economic crisis may not be the result of bungling mis-management, but the co-ordinated efforts of Al-Qaida operatives who have successfully infiltrated the world's top financial institutes, over many years, in order to engineer a deliberate crisis. It is believed that Al Qaida believed it could do far more damage to Western interests by destroying its economic infrastructure than it could ever hope to do with bombs alone.

Additionally, it is believed that the money that would otherwise be working through Western commerce has been funnelled in to Al Qaida’s weapons and training programmes in the East and Middle East, security analysts fear.

RoyApril 1, 2009 9:44 AM

Sources within the FBI have refused to confirm reports that they are investigating a shadowy group known only as "Islamic Finance" as the cause of the global financial turmoil. This follows the revelations at the weekend that certain sections of the financial community are imposing Sharia law on banks operating within their jurisdictions.

Sources within the intelligence community have confirmed to us that potential terrorists named as "Ijara wa Iqtina", "Musharaka al-Mutanaqisa" and "Fiqh al-Muamalat" are being sought following the reported infiltration of several large US and UK banks.

"We need to find them and eradicate them" said Drew Blagovich of Minnesota, "these activities are un-American."

Bob JonesApril 1, 2009 10:06 AM

SYDNEY (AP) — Government sources have announced that they believe the cause of last month's deadly Australian wildfire to be a result of terrorist activity. Entire towns and more than 2,000 homes were razed by the worst wildfires in the nation's history.

Victoria state police said in a statement Monday that following extensive examinations they believe the fires are "an obvious byproduct of Al-Qaeda encampments" and that "as Al-Qaeda brings more forces in to the outback" that we can expect to see more of these occurrences. The police have said that they don't believe the fires were intentionally started, but were the result of "live fire training and improper fire safety."

Army forces have been dispatched to the most likely areas of Al-Qaeda concentration.

SeanApril 1, 2009 10:20 AM

~~~~~

--Balloons - bright, fun, and deadly?--

A domestic terrorist group has claimed their second airplane this week, this time over San Francisco. Eye witnesses said they saw a twelve large groups of weather balloons released from different points around the city, each group carrying a small basket. Hours after the balloons disappeared into the clouds there was a loud explosion, and US-1344 crashed into a nearby suburb.

The terrorist group, calling itself "The New Weatherman," is weaponizing large weather balloons by attaching remote-detonated explosives. Local law enforcement has found evidence the balloons are also carrying some type of navigational controls.

"They're basically remote controlled flying torpedoes" said Joe Schmoe, a military weapons expert. “We don't have a good way to stop this attack.” In response, the DHS has halted the sale of all weather balloons, and the FAA has modified and classified all existing commercial flight paths.

~~~~~~SLIGHTLY LONGER VERSION~~~~~~

--Balloons - bright, fun, and deadly?--

A militant group of home grown terrorists have claimed their second airplane this week, this time over San Francisco. The death toll has risen to 312 passengers and as many as 13 individuals on the ground.

Eye witnesses said twelve large groups of weather balloons were released from different locations around the city, each group carrying a small basket. Hours after the balloons disappeared into the clouds, a loud explosion was heard, and US 1344 crashed into nearby suburbs.

The terrorist group calling itself "The New Weatherman" is weaponizing large weather balloons by attaching remote-detonated explosives. Local law enforcement has found evidence the balloons are also carrying some type of navigational controls composed chemicals to adjust buoyancy, and a small fan for directional control.

"They're basically remote controlled flying torpedoes" said Joe Schmoe, a military weapons expert. "All the terrorists need to do is float these balloons in a plane's flight path, and when the plane comes near, and detonate the explosives." The first such attack hit and destroyed the wing of a Boeing 737 outside the Cincinnati airport.

"We don't yet have a good way to stop these attacks" said Jane Doe, Chief of Police in San Francisco. The DHS is considering requiring identification to purchase large floatation devices capable of carrying explosives, and future sales of weather balloons have been halted. The FAA has modified and classified all existing commercial flight paths.

A DHS spokesman said "steps are being taken to stop this group and stop this attack. The FBI is currently following several leads, and we're confident the terrorists will be brought to justice soon." The FBI has encouraged anyone with any knowledge to call their tip hotline.

jambaramaApril 1, 2009 10:34 AM

A recently leaked report issued by the CIA says terrorists have infiltrated the marketing department of nearly every major US corporation. The report suggests these operatives are using the marketing departments of these firms to expose citizens to subliminal pro-terrorist propaganda.

“Until recently, the complex but meaningless marketing prose was considered simply a means of papering over a neurotic and vapid industry that has virtually no evidence that their strategies work” said General Jane Doe. “Now we know the 'marketing speech' is really covering up something much more sinister.”

The report specifically points to a recent pepsi logo change, and the accompanying justification, as a specific instance of terrorist propaganda. “This logo, when stacked in the proper shape, takes on the image of Barack Obama, and may have contributed to his victory.” Other logos, such as McDonalds, were implicated in the subprime housing crisis.

ytApril 1, 2009 10:42 AM

As a professional pedant, I have to ask: do hyphenated words count as a single word, or does each word count separately? For example, is "drag-and-drop" one word or three?

mcbApril 1, 2009 10:44 AM

The recent rash of gang violence, the sudden dismissal of dozens of high profile federal prosecutions, and rampant misbehavior at unregulated gun shows has been tracked to a perfect storm of compromised technologies. Anonymous administration sources report that a consortium of international cyber-criminals leveraged a recently disclosed backdoor in the Blowfish algorithm to penetrate computer networks operated by the DoD, FBI, DEA, and the Federal prison system. Once inside these seemingly unrelated databases the hackers ordered “phun packs” delivered to recently paroled federal felons. Each delivery contained an M4 carbine, 1000 rounds of ammo, a dozen hand grenades, body armor, night vision goggles, an unencrypted USB drive containing “contact information” for all clients of the Federal Witness Protection Program, and a kilogram of uncut cocaine. Damage done the cyber-crooks erased their tracks. According to the administration source “If only we’d had Total Information Awareness we might have seen this coming!”

PackagedBlueApril 1, 2009 10:44 AM

Remake the movie, "Live Free or Die Hard," but use Bruce Schneier, instead of Bruce Willis.

The firesale is sucessful, because our hero is not the wrong guy, at the wrong time, at the wrong place. It takes a nothing left to lose man, to win over the system, for no gain, or pleasure.

Only enough wrongful wrongs can make a rightful right in todays world. The warrior scholar hero complex is a trap by the "Theys," to weaken our wrong reponses, with deluded hopes of education over madness.

Best regards and humor for the 4th!

toothycatApril 1, 2009 10:55 AM

A longterm Al Quaeda campaign finally paid off towards the end of 2008. Operatives had spend years applying for mortgages before defaulting on them, leading ultimately to a collapse of the western economy.

derfApril 1, 2009 11:05 AM

Since the best and brightest of US citizens have joined the TSA to confound would be airline terrorists, sleeper terrorist cells in the US are having to find new ways to bring down aircraft. Military grade shoulder fired missiles are hard to come by, so terrorists have resorted to using lasers. Hand held laser pointers are increasingly being used to shine into pilots' eyes as they fly overhead. This is a critical security issue, since a blind pilot is much more likely to crash a plane. There has been no official word from the current administration, but confidential sources say the crisis is being dealt with at the highest levels of the Pentagon and Homeland Security. A high ranking DHS official, under condition of anonymity, told us that the Homeland Security Advisory System will be updated to add an infrared category above red just for this crisis.

BrettApril 1, 2009 11:21 AM

Flash - The NSA has uncoverd a plot by terrorists to purchase GM. Their plan was to introduce a cheap

AidanApril 1, 2009 11:34 AM

Breaking news: AN AEROPLANE WASN’T HIJACKED TODAY. This marks a bold new direction in the strategies employed by modern terrorists, and one that has experts puzzled.

Econonerd Dr. Arthur Brainsweight of Carnegie Mellon's terrorist relations study centre has been monitoring this development closely and believes this was the logical evolution of terrorist techniques: "In recent times we've seen a steady decline in the effectiveness of plane hijackings as a method of spreading fear. When almost every plane is being hijacked, the media become bored and look for more interesting anecdotes to report. The public become inured and the system fails. [Terrorists] now find that not hijacking a plane causes more media-coverage and public unease than actually hijacking."

Experts have suggested that the credit-crunch may be to blame for this recent development; terrorist organizations have been forced to downsize, and fewer zealots are required to orchestrate a non-hijack.

Mark RApril 1, 2009 11:50 AM

DHS Uncovers Al Qaeda-run “Security Blog”

The DHS recently uncovered a blog run by Al Qaeda operatives posing as renowned security expert Bruce Schneier. The blog’s postings were often critical of anti-terror tactics and legislation enacted by the DHS and other forces for good in the world, citing dubious economic and risk-assessment-based arguments to erode public support for the War on Terror.

Many security experts were apparently duped by the fake blog, chiming in with their own criticisms. Many even participated in an annual contest to concoct brazen, dastardly plots that could provide ready-made blueprints for ambitious terrorists. Fortunately, the voting populace of the United States is not believed to have read the blog in any large numbers.

It is unconfirmed at this time whether the recent book, “Schneier on Security,” was the work of Al Qaeda operatives or Mr. Schneier, who was unavailable for comment.

old guyApril 1, 2009 11:53 AM

Un-named sources at the State Department confirmed today that funding sources for the major food genetic-engineering companies were based out of the middle-east, with the majority of funds coming from, until now, a little-known jihadist organization. It was confirmed that with the efforts of highly-paid corporate lobbyists, formulas causing autism, child-obesity, and juvenile asthma and kidney stones were approved. Claiming responsibility, the jihadists stated that “western devils will do anything for profit, and greedy politicians will make the infidels eat anything, too.”

DaveApril 1, 2009 11:57 AM

Sources inside the pentagon have uncovered an unlikely threat to America’s children, in the unlikeliest of places: the classroom. Al Qaeda operatives in Baghdad may have been able to seize control of algebra, with effects ranging from lowered test scores in America’s high schools to decreased performance of ballistic missile defense systems. The Project for the Grand American Decade issued a statement of concern that al Qaeda may invade other centers of mathematical discovery “Controlling the quadratic formula pales in comparison with what they could do if they controlled the Maghreb, the source of all proper fractions.” The United States’ dismal ranking in global mathematical literacy compared to Nordic nations is thus explained because the terrorists hate our mathematical freedoms but love socialism.

KilarinApril 1, 2009 12:05 PM

***Al Qeada behind economic collapse, but NOT Behind the Banks!!!****
A very high source at the white house has confirmed that Al Qeada has NOT infiltrated our banking system. A prisoner in Guantanamo has, under pressure, revealed the actual plot. Years ago, Al Qeada seeded the US with sleeper agents. Their job: to blend in, look like other citizens, and purchase very expensive houses they could not afford. When the order was given, the sleeper agents defaulted en masse and brought the US Economic System to its knees.

dur4nd4lApril 1, 2009 12:09 PM

Terrorists In Our Food

The White House announced today that it has discovered a terrorist plot behind the recent rash of food poisonings afflicting our country's food infrastructure. From the E. Coli-spinach scare of 2007, to the recent peanut and pistachio salmonella outbreaks, the CDC and FBI have been hard at work uncovering this fiendish plot by Al-Queda to poison our food supply.

The FBI has announced that they have already prevented an attack on the bottled water industry involving diphtheria, and states that the milk industry may be next, citing anthrax or tuberculosis as potential diseases in the dairy vector.

Before you eat, please have all foodstuffs taken down to your local CDC office or local hospital so that they can test for any terrorist introduced disease. Avoid eating at any restaurant not certified by the CDC to have an on site lab to test all eatables.

chasApril 1, 2009 12:55 PM

Steve Wozniak really REALLY wants to win "Dancing with the Stars" so he writes the Confikr virus ahead of time and leaves it in standby waiting for instructions. Unfortunately for Woz, he's kicked off before the April phone-home date for his massive botnet. Of course if he were still on the show, the Internet would be clogged with all those zombie computers calling in votes for their maniacal master. Imagine if the Woz won "Dancing" . . . now THAT's scary.

DougApril 1, 2009 1:35 PM

Due to the ongoing threat of terrorism against the nation’s power grid, the Department of Homeland security today issued regulations that require microtagging all new large socket wrenches and that all existing non-tagged wrenches be surrendered within 90 days. A spokesman explained, “Terrorists could use wrenches to loosen the large bolts holding down transmission tower legs. Because the towers would not collapse until the next wind storm, cutting off power to millions of americans, the terrorists would be long gone. Microtagging wrenches will leave an imprinted serial number on each nut after use, allowing the FBI to track down and capture the terrorists. In order to be effective, all wrench owners will be required to be licensed, and must report any stolen wrenches within 48 hours.” When asked to comment on rumors of future regulations on hacksaws, pliers, and screwdrivers, the spokesman declined comment.

Nomen PublicusApril 1, 2009 1:46 PM

Terrorists Caused Buncefield Explosion?

A re-examination of the evidence from the Buncefield fuel depot explosion in
December 2005 shows that sabotage was the cause. Terrorists disabled the
overflow detectors, so that operators had no indication that an over full
tank had gasoline pouring out of vents. The fuel cascaded down and formed a
deep mist contained by the safety wall. A vast fuel-air bomb was created,
all that was required was a random spark, which occurred at 6am and
triggered explosions that destroyed 20 tanks.

If a terrorist group can access such sites and disable safety systems,
automatically a bomb is created. The terrorists can escape long before the
explosion.

Similar explosions occurred in 1983 at an oil terminal in Newark, New Jersey;
80 tanks were destroyed at Denver Stapleton airport in 1990; in 1968, a fire
at a Shell plant in Pernis, Netherlands also destroyed many tanks.

Seventy2002April 1, 2009 2:31 PM

Did you know Tommy Tester Toothpaste Strips are produced in a former Soviet bioweapons plant in Karjacistan? Karjacistan is notorious for its complete lack of industrial safety regulations and immigration control.
Your Tommy Tester Toothpaste Strips could have been produced by a terrorist who hates you because you're free!
Now you can be sure your Tommy Tester Toothpaste Strips are working properly with the Tommy Tester Toothpaste Strips Testing Toothpaste. Each tube is contaminated with FDA-disapproved antifreeze, anthrax, salmonella, avian flu virus, radioactive waste, and other toxins favored by terrorists.
If your Tommy Tester Toothpaste Strip turns red in the presence of Tommy Tester Toothpaste Strips Testing Toothpaste you know it was not made by a terrorist!
For your safety Tommy Tester Toothpaste Strips Testing Toothpaste is clearly marked "Not to be sold to terrorists."

BogwitchApril 1, 2009 2:32 PM

Police have uncovered a terrorist plot to disrupt rail services across Europe and the USA.
The Al-Qaida terrorists have planned to cut the rails of high-speed trains in rural areas where the trains reach their highest speed, with 'Thermite', an easily made compund which can be used to cut through steel.
A police spokesman said "We cannot take this threat too seriously. The possibility of a coordinated attack causing thousands of deaths is all too apparent."
He added "With immediate effect, trains are to be limited to 40 miles per hour to minimise the impact of any terrorist actions. Furthermore, we will be fitting a detection system to every train that provides a warning to the driver of any track disruption. The system is still in development but we do not envisage too many false positives."
A train commuter commented "I'm not willing to take the risk, I will be driving to work from now on."

HJohnApril 1, 2009 2:47 PM

Move Plot Submission:

Terror threat level raised to red as parents become terrorists...

Though recent shooting sprees in churches, nursing homes, and at family outings appear unrelated, a terrifying link has been discovered. All perpetrators had small children who were abducted by terrorists, and perpetrators received a video of their children with hooded terrorists warning that their children would be beheaded if they do not engage in the suicidal rampage. The terror threat level has been raised to red as profiling, known associations, and criminal history are now useless in detecting who will be the next terrorist sniper or airline hijacker. Anyone who loves their children may be a potential terrorist.

(108 words according to MS Word)

Clive RobinsonApril 1, 2009 4:16 PM

@ yt,

"For example, is "drag-and-drop" one word or three?"

After an indepth internet search I can say that as 'and' is technicaly a stop word the answer is two as these words do not count in such activities.

Happy 01/04 8)

PackagedBlueApril 1, 2009 4:26 PM

See postgresql-8.3-US.pdf, p.282-3.

"... a hyphenated word will be reported both as the entire word and as each component:"

1 = yes, 3 = yes, 2 = well depends upon activities.

Just my .02. Ask the pros for the full $1.

AndrewApril 1, 2009 4:58 PM

"Al Queda's Seventh September"

Shocking evidence links counterterrorism to financial crisis.

Historically the FBI enforced many Federal laws with a special focus on financial or “White Collar Crime.”

After 9/11/2001, 4,000 of 13,000 agents were assigned to counterterrorism. FBI Director Mueller "reshap[ed] the FBI into an organization better able to combat the imminent terrorist threat."

Terrorism became highest priority. Financial crime dropped to seventh. Financial agents were retasked to money laundering. The DoJ's Inspector General found a 80% reduction in sub-$100,000 prosecutions.

Islamist rhetoric emphasizes American capitalist greed. The 9/11 attacks blinded America to that greed, like a smoking cape before the bull. Sheikh Saeed, Al Qaeda's financier, wired money to fund 9/11 and launched transfers to distract the FBI.

This distraction meant massive bank and mortgage fraud. The FBI only began to investigate Fannie, Freddie, Lehman and AIG in September 2008. Too late.

e_cathedraApril 1, 2009 5:23 PM

*** London evacuation will be completed on time, states Brown ***

The evacuation of London, and the closure of its airports will be completed by Friday without loss of life, Gordon Brown, the UK Premier stated today. It is unlikely that London will be fit for habitation for at least 6 months, the Premier commented.
The crisis started on April 1, when the 349 sewerage processing works removing 4,300 million litres of water per day all suffered the same failure – blocked jets in the spray systems. The failure was caused by Al Queda sympathisers introducing expanding plastic foams into the unguarded sewerage plants via inspection chambers. The spray units are manufactured to order by a single UK company, and the loss of over 2,000 of them at once will take at least 3 months to replace. London will be uninhabitable until the waste backlog is processed.

AburaidApril 1, 2009 5:30 PM

"Terrorists have stolen tons of lithium 6 and a few tens of grams of plutonium. They have hijacked a ship carrying yellow cake uranium. With the plutonium detonator, lithium 6 and easy supply of deuterium, they plan to detonate the whole uranium shipment of over 10,000 tons. The fallout could kill billions."

This is actually the plot from a book I read recently, so I cannot claim originality. But would make a good movie-plot threat, don't you think? The scariest part is that it doesn't seem that difficult to pull off. The unpublished part is how many grams of plutonium you would need; the author guestimated around 20 grams.

erikbApril 1, 2009 6:05 PM

The abduction of Madeline McCann sparked a world-wide search for her kidnappers. One intrepid reporter dives deep into the world of white slavery and online child pornography, only to uncover links to a shadowy group of Russian and Chinese hackers who provide exploit code and encryption tools to the Chechen Mafia, which in turn is backed by Saudi militants with ties to Al-Qaeda previously thought dead: Ibn Al-Khattabi and Abu Omar al-Saif, whose desire for Jihad is only exceeded by their love of young blonde girls.

BTMOApril 1, 2009 9:23 PM

Earth Hour a terrorist plot.

(via press agencies)

Earth Hour is purported to be a reminder that our profligate use of energy is slowly destroying civilisation. However, recent work by Interpol and other agencies has identified an unsettling dark side to the initiative - Earth Hour is actually a terrorist plot.

All terrorism has the goal of disrupting the normal flow of life. Normally, these actions involve massive disruption to relatively small areas, however the same effect can be achieved by creating a minor inconvenience over the whole world.

Earth Hour disrupts businesses, travel plans and peoples lives. It does so for an hour, and it does this in cities all over the world.

The inter-agency group charged with investigating Earth Hour has discovered that the combined economic impact of Earth Hour, if confined to the city of Los Angeles, would have the same effect as a magnitude 8.7 earthquake.

jamesdApril 1, 2009 9:34 PM

*** Wall Street Outclasses Terrorist Financial Plot ***

When Al Qaeda made millions betting on a sharemarket drop after 9/11, global terrorists decided to harm the West through financial attacks.

“Our initial plans were similar to 9/11 – combine a terrorist event with a bet against the market. But spectacular events are hard to execute, so we turned to financial experts for advice,” said one insider.

This advice proved the turning point. Wall Street experts explained ways to bet against companies then create a negative story that smashed the company share price while delivering profits on the bet.

“I couldn’t believe how easy it was,” said one terrorist. “It takes so much time to plan a big attack, whereas a few bad stories about Steve Jobs’ health, and we made millions!”

However, the terrorists later lost everything when they discovered that the experts placing bets on their behalf were simply stealing their money under a Ponzi scheme.

NeighborcatApril 1, 2009 10:20 PM

"Pentagon Reports Suspected Al Qaeda Link to Lead-Contaminated Melamine."

Sorry, the headline is all I have. Still, I've given as much supporting evidence as your average "Terrorist Link Found" headline, no?

NC

ScottApril 1, 2009 11:34 PM

Celebrities forced to transport future potential terrorists to US

A leaked CIA dossier claims a recent spate of international adoptions by high-profile celebrities is a front for an elaborate people-smuggling operation backed by al-Qaeda.

The dossier warns terrorists have been progressively taking over key roles in the entertainment media, allowing them to blackmail celebrities, including Madonna and Angelina Jolie, to transport sleeper agents to the US.

A source close to the Agency said there are no clear indications of the threat posed, although evidence suggests the plot may be timed to coincide with the 2028 or 2032 Olympics - if either of those are hosted in the United States.

"It could be that, or it could be anything else within that time frame," a senior security official said. "What we are saying is that people should remain on alert over the next 20-30 years."

NickApril 2, 2009 12:01 AM

A man with a beard kills a man with pencil. All pencils banned, any child caught doing homework with a pencil is sent to Gitmo.
Pens are still ok.

Sub-Plot
Man drowned by a man with a beard. All swimming pools now considered instruments of terror. Anyone involved in the coaching of water sports (training terrorists) is sent to Gitmo with the kids caught using pencils.

AprilFoolApril 2, 2009 2:02 AM

The flood of disinformation generated each April 1st ...
Who is behind it?

norepeatApril 2, 2009 5:19 AM

February's GMail outage was the work of terrorists, the FBI announced yesterday.

“A communications disruption will precede any major terrorist attack,” a spokesperson said, “Rescue efforts and information delivery will be severely hampered.”

After studying server logs seized under the Patriot Act, the FBI discovered “highly suspicious” activity immediately before GMail went offline. They believe that it was a test of current disruptive capacity, and that telephone networks will be the next target. The existence of terrorist sympathizers at Google was considered “likely.”

The FBI is urging citizens to report any suspicious activity near communications equipment, and has again called for all internet activity to be monitored. Criticism from privacy groups was dismissed as “predictable and unhelpful.”

“Imagine getting fragments of news about some attack, and not being able to learn anything or contact loved ones,” the spokesperson concluded, “You'd be beside yourself, and that's just what the terrorists want.”

MApril 2, 2009 6:28 AM

Could Your T-shirt Kill You?

Authorities have arrested two men in Boston for selling thousands of terrorist t-shirts. The shirts were outfitted with blinking lights depicting cartoon characters known as 'Mooninites' making an obscene gesture. However, after authorities confiscated several terror tees at Logan International Airport, laboratory analysis indicated that the blinking lights hid a deadly secret. The electronic device that controlled the lights also contained a timer and a flammable compound known as thermite, which would be ignited by overloading the lithium battery that powers the device. The timers were set to go off at 9:11 AM on April 1st and will cause all the affected t-shirts to burst into flame. Citizens are encouraged to report any sightings of the terror t-shirts at the police tip-line, 1-800-OHHCRAP.

[ I hope it's okay to mix a couple real events together? I don't actually remember which airport got shut down, so I put them both in Boston. ]

shadowfirebirdApril 2, 2009 7:45 AM

Terrorists have been trained to use bicycles, FBI warns.

An FBI spokesman warned yesterday of an increasing trend -- Al Queda operatives using silent, untraceable and unregistered bicycles for transportation.

"They don't have to pay for fuel and they don't have to register their vehicle. This makes them much more difficult to spot," he said.

It is possible that up to 93% of bicycle thefts in the country may be caused by terrorism.

If you see a cyclist, please report them to the local authorities.

AnonymousApril 2, 2009 9:55 AM

My entry follows.

The current economic collapse has endangered the profits of the terrorists' financial backers. Having anticipated this situation, the terrorists have implemented a strategy: Covertly attack the supply of Western countries. Phase 1 is already underway. In the past two months, operatives have managed to sabotage 3 helicopters that ferry workers to oil platforms. The first in Scotland resulted in no fatalities, but the second in Newfoundland killed 17 of the 18 passengers and crew, and most recently, 16 were killed in another Scotland attack. These attacks are meant to destabilize communities with grief and reduce worker morale, which will set up for a western oil industry collapse when more overt "mechanical failures" take place in Alberta, Alaska and California. This will raise oil prices, open the "negligent" companies up for takeover by terrorist fronts. Once again flush, regular terrorist operations against freedom will resume.

Entry ends here. URL news items re: the crashes:

First Scotland crash (Feb 19th)
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/scotland/north_east/7899213.stm
Newfoundland crash (March 12th)
http://www.cbc.ca/canada/newfoundland-labrador/story/2009/03/14/helicopter-crash.html
Second Scotland crash (April 1st)
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/scotland/north_east/7978093.stm


Ross PApril 2, 2009 10:59 AM

Chaos Theory + Butterflies = Deadly Tornadoes

The swath of killer tornadoes sweeping the plains and midwest over the past few years has been determined to be a complex terrorist plot. Once considered and then abandoned by the US army as too impractical, but a strategy later picked up by terrorist cells is reaping a great harvest in death and destruction. The late-nineties decision to begin recruitment of physicists specializing in chaos theory and biologists focused primarily on the order lepidoptera (butterflies and moths) is now paying fatal rewards.

Every spring terrorists raise and release specially trained butterflies, whose specially-synchronized wing flaps, when coupled with breaking-edge chaos theory, can result in the strategically targeted outbreak of tornadoes.

Experts say primarily monarch butterflies are used, in part because their lengthy migration patterns give them opportunity to cause the greatest damage, and because of their popular aesthetic appeal, which limits the likelihood they will be apprehended due to lepidopteral-racial profiling.

----------------

Sorry, I'm too lazy to look up any specific tornado outbreaks, but I know there have been plenty over the last few years.

Ross PApril 2, 2009 11:06 AM

Gah, sorry, I can't count to 150. Bruce said length mattered, so here's my revision:
------------------------

Chaos Theory + Butterflies = Deadly Tornadoes

The swath of killer tornadoes sweeping the US midwest over the past few years has been identified as a complex terrorist plot. Briefly researched but abandoned by the US army as impractical, a strategy later picked up by terrorist cells is reaping a great harvest in death and destruction. The decision to recruit physicists specializing in chaos theory and biologists focused primarily on the order lepidoptera (butterflies and moths) is now paying fatal rewards.

Every spring terrorists raise and release specially trained butterflies, whose precisely timed wing flaps, when coupled with breaking-edge chaos theory, can result in the strategically targeted outbreak of tornadoes.

Experts say primarily monarch butterflies are used, in part because their lengthy migration patterns give them opportunity to cause the greatest damage, and because their popular aesthetic appeal limits the likelihood they will be apprehended due to lepidopteral-racial profiling.

AlbatrossApril 2, 2009 11:34 AM

Al Qaeda Attacks Based on Schneier Movie Plots

Minneapolis (AP) – Federal authorities swooped down on the premises of security expert Bruce Schneier following a wave of recent terrorist attacks. “They put a padlock on my server,” a stunned Schneier noted, “but they didn’t turn it off or disconnect it from the Internet.”
Authorities acted in response to the recent highly ineffectual attacks in New York, Atlanta and Los Angeles. “It’s obvious they’re in cahoots,” said a Homeland Security special agent who declined to be identified. Indeed, the New York incident in which cockroaches were discovered in commercial peanut butter, and the Los Angeles based ‘Rick-Roll Worm’ were described in detail on Scheier’s site, as was the recent Atlanta non-hijacking in which all flights landed safely and on time.
Sources close to Schneier reveal longstanding suspicions of terrorist involvement. “He has a beard,” said one source, “just like Bin Laden does.”

AlbatrossApril 2, 2009 12:21 PM

Al Qaeda Global Warming Threat “Centuries Old”

Washington, D.C. (AP) - Suspicious of the lack of attacks on the U.S. since 2001, Homeland Security researchers uncovered a disturbing history. According to reports leaked to the press, Al Qaeda has been attempting to destroy the United States for over 150 years.
Al Qaeda’s restraint is proof of intent, scientists say. “Terrorism attacks hurt the U.S. economy, but our economy contributes more to Global Climate Change than any other force,” said Professor Chester Bestertester of Woods Hole Oceanographic Institute. “Since the mid-Nineteenth century, a lack of Al Qaeda attacks has allowed our economy to thrive dangerously.”
Studies of economic growth correlate closely with rises in atmospheric CO2, ocean levels, and acidity. “I’ve been saying this for years,” sighed exasperated former Vice President Al Gore.
“The threat is centuries old,” said one Homeland Security expert, “by not attacking they’ve encouraged our reckless pollution.”

DavidApril 2, 2009 1:32 PM

Fourth Annual Movie-Plot Threat Contest:

The advent of powerful supercapacitors and high capacity batteries is enabling DIY portable electromagnetic pulse (EMP) weapons. It is possible that any electronic device today, including smart phones, DVD players, and laptop computers, could turned into an EMP device with a few inexpensive components readily available. The modifications would be virtually impossible to spot simply by a visual inspection. Since a single EMP emitting device could conceivably bring down an airplane, there is only one possible response here. All electronic devices without exception must be banned from airplanes This ban would apply to checked luggage as well, since it would be child's play to program a computer to start up and then generate the EMP. Further, we must begin development of technology that can identify these modified devices from a distance. Until we do this, we are all at risk of an EMP disaster 30,000 feet in the sky.

BluMeNeApril 2, 2009 1:32 PM

Toronto On, (CP)

Bombardier Inc. will cut 3,000 jobs in its aerospace division because of decreased demand for its business aircraft, the company announced Thursday.

Ken Lewenza, the president of the Canadian Auto Workers, which represents unionized workers at Bombardier's Downsview plant in Toronto, has called this reason in to question. "We've been given a copy of a leaked report that states that Bombardier's demand was higher than the previous 10 years" Lewenza stated, "the problem was, the buyers were all private organizations from places that support terrorism”.

Lewenza further added that he "didn't care where the demand came from, as long as CAW workers could keep their jobs.

Norm & AlApril 2, 2009 1:46 PM

Washington DC (AP) – The FBI & FDA today announced the results of a joint investigation of Pfizer, Eli Lilly, & Bayer, three major pharmaceutical companies. They have revealed that all three were infiltrated by Al Qaeda operative chemists in 2006, who may have tampered with their products. The exact nature of the tampering has yet to be determined, but consumers are warned to only use these companies’ products if absolutely necessary. The three companies are respectively the manufacturers of Viagra, Cialis & Levitra

New York (Reuters) – An obscure African superstition, once common in Africa, known as “Penis Stealing” appears to have spread to North America. Recently a mob of angry Wall Street traders beat several men to death, accusing them of stealing their penises through witchcraft. “That’s just silly,” Dr. Elizabeth Nutcracker, Director of Public Health said, “Penises just do not fall off, not even on Wall St these days.”

ArtApril 2, 2009 3:43 PM

Federal prosecutors toss Stevens case, leaked documents reveal terror link.

The U.S. Justice Department on Wednesday, April 1, moved to dismiss former Alaska Sen. Ted Stevens' indictment, effectively voiding his conviction. This newspaper has received leaked documents from sources within the FBI indicating original evidence was concocted by known terrorist suspects. The senator was a very influential figure in counter-terrorism efforts. Further, the terrorist organization was found to have infiltrated the prosecutorial team to ensure evidence exonerating the Senator was destroyed prior to trial. Janitorial service is suspected. Investigation is on-going.

Clive RobinsonApril 2, 2009 5:02 PM

@ David,

"The advent of powerful supercapacitors and high capacity batteries is enabling DIY portable electromagnetic pulse (EMP) weapons. It is possible that any electronic device today, including smart phones, DVD players, and laptop computers, could turned into an EMP device with a few inexpensive components readily available."

I read almost these exact words in a newspaper in London today...

Not sure if it's "great minds..." or not.

Tom GrantApril 2, 2009 9:45 PM

Dateline: Amsterdam, The Netherlands

Interpol agents combing the wreckage of Turkish Airlines Flight 1951 that crashed here on February 25th have made a frightening discovery. Nearly discarded as trash was a cellular telephone whose lower back side was deformed by heat. This caught an inspectors eye who noted it had not been through any fire during the crash. Once disassembled, Interpol discovered that what appeared to be a normal phone was actually a miniaturized High Energy Radio Frequency weapon that, when triggered from inside the aircraft, would completely disrupt the planes navigation and electrical systems. A review of the flights black box data found that the plane broke into three pieces after the autopilot systems failed and the plane was overstressed in a series of random manuevers. Two surviving passengers from the flight were revealed to be on the American “Do Not Fly” list and are sought for questioning.


I don't know if I'm allowed to enter or not, but I just felt inspired. Good luck everyone! TG

MysticKnightoftheSeaApril 3, 2009 2:43 AM

@ Albatross

I've got at beard, too (how'd you know?).
(Oh, sorry. It's OBVIOUS that I must...)

(snicker...)

MKotS

IjustscaredmetooApril 4, 2009 12:14 AM

Here's my plot:

Today, the FBI released evidence that Al Qaeda has been
secretly supporting right-wing militias in the U.S in order
to foment civil war. Donations, advertising buys on news and radio,
online communities and blogs and a sophisticated smuggling operation
were used to equip and propagandize several domestic militia groups.

"Look, this pretty clever," said one anonymous source. "They identified several
right wing groups as potentially useful proxy forces and carefully groomed
them. This solved several operational barriers to their striking the
U.S. -- after all, militias are well armed, have relatively little interference from law enforcement
and have an easily manipulated paranoid mindset. This all happened
for a very small expenditure of money and almost no risk to Al Qaeda's
operational assets."

When asked for comments, one militia leader said "the liberals must be
getting desperate if this was the best they could come up with."

Dave April 4, 2009 9:15 PM

OPERATION BLACK SNOW

A small terrorist cell spends years and millions buying up
laser printer toner and inkjet ink, breaking open the
cartridges, and dumping the ink and toner into large vats.
Late in the winter, they steal an old crop-duster plane
and spread the ink and toner across several square miles
of snow-covered mountainside north of Fargo, ND. The black
ink causes the snow to melt faster than normal in the early
spring sunshine and the resulting accelerated snowmelt
floods the river and nearly overflows the hastily-constructed
sandbag levees downriver.

The terrorists were caught when an alert employee at a local
office-supply store noticed the same group of people
returning an abnormally large number of damaged inkjet
printer cartridges for their 'recycle ink cartridges for
store credit' promotion. One of the terrorists quipped that
they would have washed Fargo away completely if ink
hadn't been so expensive.

AnonymousApril 4, 2009 9:28 PM

R E A D T H E
C O M P E T I T I O N R U L E S
B E F O R E P O S T I N G ! !

Read the competition rules before posting, you doofuses! You are supposed to be coming up for a wacky terrorism related explanation for a real event that actually happened. Nearly everyone is coming up with wacky terrorist attack plots, like in last year's competition.

Apart form a couple of ideas linking global warming or the recession to Al Qaeda, most of the ideas posted so far don't meet the rules.

AnonymousApril 4, 2009 9:34 PM

@Bogwitch:
> Furthermore, we will be fitting a detection system to every train that provides a warning to the driver of any track disruption. The system is still in development but we do not envisage too many false positives."

Actually, they already have these.

IjustscaredmetooApril 4, 2009 10:29 PM

@Anonymous

Hmmm, not sure you're trying to call my entry one of the "doofus" entries, but I'll defend it. In my (contest) opinion only terrorists could be responsible for paying some of these talking heads to say some of the incredibly eliminationist things they say. There sense of apocalypse behind the rantings of Ann Coulter ("show the liberals they can be killed"), Rush (too...many...examples!), Glenn Beck ("American Civil War"), Chuck Norris ("The President of Texas"), Michelle Bachmann ("Armed and Dangerous") among others and it probably validates some peoples' opinions that the country needs to be saved by "true" patriots who will rise up in revolt against the government.

My real world events:

The PA police killer ("fear of guns being taken away"), the church shootings in TN ("taking out the liberals"), the whole "Black Helicopter" crowd, the Oklahoma City bombers, the skinheads who wanted to kill 102 people in Colorado and I'm sadly confident there'll be more in the next couple of years.

Subtle terrorists surely must realize that "the enemy of my enemy is my friend" and it would be a small, safe (and even legal) thing to support them.

TheDirectorApril 5, 2009 7:04 AM

New York (AP)- A recent spate of deaths resulting from botched plastic surgeries has shaken the bedrock of suburban life in the United States. Several terrorism officials who wish not to be quoted have said that the NSA has found terrorist links, possibly Al-Qaeda, to Indian plastic surgeons in the United States. A DHS spokesman, did not elaborate on such reports but said "20% of Indians are Muslim and Americans should remain vigilante and report any suspicious looking plastic surgeons." Analysts say this is an attempt to prey on minivan driving soccer/security moms' insecurities . Jill, a housewife from Covina, CA commented, “I won’t be letting my daughter get plastic surgery for her sweet sixteen this year, the risk of her getting butchered by some Indian terrorists scares me”. To counter this, the makers of Xanax and Zoloft are already promising new prescriptions drugs that will help calm such fears.

Country_clubberApril 5, 2009 3:43 PM

Los Agneles (AP) - Federal and State officials are unable to say when a mass power outage that left the entire West Coast without electricity over the weekend will end. "We have identified the source of the outage," explain one Federal official on background. "Apparently fibers and debris from crushed golf clubs and tennis rackets throughout the state were used to short circuit and destroy transformers and electrical substations throughout the State." While the perpetrators behind the terrorist act have yet to be identified, sources tell the Associated Press, Department of Homeland Security official are said to be considering confiscation of golf clubs and tennis rackets in major cities throughout the United States, and will seek Congressional approval soon after they complete their ongoing nationalization of US banks.

Flaming_cakeApril 5, 2009 10:06 PM

(Reuters) Officials have issued a warning to all Americans instructing them not to buy or burn candles, especially noting large pillar candles. In the last 2 weeks hundreds of people have been victim to the “birthday candle”, or “candle bomb terrorism”. The ATF and FBI have ascertained that extremist anti-American, anti-capitalistic employees at a candle factory in France built thousands of deadly sodium filled, explosive-core, thermite bombs disguised as candles. dozens of deaths, and at least three hundred injuries are blamed on candles that unsuspectingly exploded with balls of flaming thermite atop birthday cakes across the nation. In the worst case last week, officials report a large thermite core candle at an office in New York suddenly burst into flame then burned it’s way through 12 floors of an office building, finally exploding a boiler in the basement killing 6.

Flaming_cakeApril 5, 2009 10:20 PM

To add to above: They were finally caught because they're factory burned down today (as seen on the cover of the NYT today).

flaming_cakeApril 5, 2009 11:16 PM

(MSNBC) Change: The administration reviewed the latest CDC report on deaths and has developed a new strategy: a nationwide ban on water, cars, and fatty foods. Because deaths caused by these factors far exceed those of guns, a new war on water, cars, and fat is under way. “water control”- water will be strictly controlled in homes with children, only sold in 1quart containers, as not to be danger for drowning. A stimulus project is underway to fill-in all neighborhood and private swimming pools across the country. Cars, “they are Kafka-esque death machines” Napolitano said. The Government will retool GM for green projects. Cars will be sunset-ed over the next 5 years. People will walk, or ride mass transit. “There will be a total ban on cars except essential government, police and military use”. The American people MUST be taken care of, they want… no, NEED a "Nanny State".

___________________________________

Oh, yea, and no more twinkies, birthday cake, or ice cream... but I ran out of room. Hostess, Dryers, and Ben and Jerry's mass murderers???? Must be stopped?

RSaundersApril 6, 2009 8:24 AM

New York (AP) – First reported in the New Scientist (http://www.newscientist.com/article/mg20127001.300-space-storm-alert-90-seconds-from-catastrophe.html), terrorists plan to destroy western civilization on 22 September 2012. “A year later and millions of Americans are dead and the nation's infrastructure lies in tatters. The World Bank declares America a developing nation.” It is now clear how their long-range plan unfolded. First, they occupied petroleum rich countries in the Middle East. Second, they brought the spectacle of airborne disaster to New York on 11 September. Now that our fair city is dependent on electricity for many important activities, their sights are set on the electric power grid. As on 911, they plan to exploit a known weakness of the United States. Both Republican and Democratic administrations have failed to protect our essential electric service from the threat of CMEs. Closely guarding their secrets for manipulating solar weather, Al Qaeda del Sol has won.

====================

Note, actual story and actual quote from the actual story.

AlbatrossApril 6, 2009 8:58 AM

N. Korean Missile Failure Reveals Biothreat

Adak, AK (Reuters) - U.S. Navy forensic teams examining Pacific waters where North Korea's Taepo Dong missile landed have discovered a heretofore-unsuspected threat. Although its 300 lb. (136 kg) capacity is considered insufficient to deliver a significant nuclear payload, Navy divers discovered the ocean strewn with shreds of spiced, fermented cabbage. At first ignored as seaweed, discovery that the payload canister had ruptured from within forced re-examination of the floating vegetation.
“This was a kimchee bomb,” said Admiral Kraut Sauer, “we were fortunate the container burst under the low atmospheric pressure of high altitude.”
Detonated over a major city, missiles carrying 300 lbs of kimchee could pose a major threat.
“There’s not enough Beano™ in the world,” warned Doctor Obane Aspergillus of the Mayo Clinic. “Whole populations would be incapacitated by debilitating gastric events, and increased methane emissions would dangerously accelerate global warming.”

SituationSoapApril 6, 2009 10:19 AM

Blackberry Barricade:

In order to further cripple the US economy, interested third parties (Terrorists, Foreign Nationals, etc) hijack Research In Motion Headquarters, commandeering encryption keys for Blackberry Enterprise Servers the world over. They then use these to lock the devices remotely, demanding ransom for the release of the password. Executives are crippled without their source of communication, and the world is plunged into chaos.

tqftApril 7, 2009 2:59 AM

Hollywood shutdown - "No movies for a year: - FBI

"The investigation of the leak of the latest Wolverine movie uncovered some disturbing elements linked to Al Qadea" Rick Blaine Special Investigator from California FBI headquarters was quoted.

"The leak was traced to a slip up in Al Qaeda's normally excellent operational security, we cannot release further details without compromising our security" says Blaine.

"The significant issue is that Al Qaeda was not compromising Hollywood by stealing movies to bankrupt the studios morally or financially, but was actually uploading the movies after altering them to carry subliminal messages."

As per Executive Order 234567, all Hollywood output is to be held prior to technical review and mandatory censorship of any scenes where doubt exists to meaning, intent or insertion of subliminal messages.

Any cinema showing any movies listed in Executive Order 234567 is to be reported immediately to 1800 4297 78537.

bjacquesApril 7, 2009 12:22 PM

Washington, DC (Weekly World News Service) (08-01-09)

The Department of Homeland Security today announced that the series of brownouts hitting the country throughout the month of July have been the work of al-Qaeda.

A "sleeper cell" of terrorists resident within the United States has hacked into the computer systems of energy providers and selectively cut or reduced power to entire neighborhoods during the hottest days of the month.

An investigation into the identities of the culprits is ongoing. The only pattern so far is that the homes of suspected al-Qaeda sympathizers seem to have been unaffected by the power outages.

Citizens are urged to call their nearest DHS office if they see anything suspicious, such as outdoor air conditioners operating in areas affected by brownouts.

Angel OneApril 7, 2009 3:21 PM

Washington DC -- In the aftermath of a deadly earthquake in Italy, a new study published today details how terrorists could use explosives to cause a deadly earthquake. Professor James Fuddington revealed that an explosive device, placed near a sensitive faultline, could produce an earthquake, much like the one that killed 90 people in Italy this week. Such an earthquake could be catastrophic. Italian President Napolitano pointed out that Italy is on a major tectonic plate, and that there is no indication of foul play. however professor Fuddington's new research shows that an artificial earthquake is completely indistinguishable from a naturally occurring one. In response, DHS has issued a warning to all cities near California's San Andreas fault. A major earthquake there, near some of the countries most populous cities like Los Angeles, could leave a death toll of thousands in its wake.

AnonymousApril 7, 2009 7:20 PM

Easy way to cause a major earthquake in Italy or other earthquake areas:

Pipe all sewage into the ground. Got to be some faults/caves that are easy to dump in.

When the quake spews the horrible radon gas + sewage, then you know there has to be some truth to the radon predictor.

-NOT a MOVIE plot, but what did happen could have been one, with ignoring potential signs and developing alerts times.-

WilliamApril 8, 2009 9:43 AM

Questions are being raised about the true motivations of Captain Chesley Sullenberger, hero of the Hudson River plan landing.

The safe landing of the plane may reassure a public nervous about flying, causing it to lower its guard and making it easier for Al Qaeda to strike in future.

A Department of Homeland Security spokesperson said, "Only by being scared all the time can we prevent terror."

Captain Sullenberger:

* Is highly technically trained, like the 9/11 attackers.

* Has been to flight school, like the 9/11 attackers.

* Has been to foreign countries like the Muslim-dominated UK.

* Like the 9/11 attackers, chose not to perform a conventional landing.

"Did Captain Sullenberger and Al Qaeda perform a bait-and-switch on the public for unknown reasons? The circumstantial evidence is too compelling to ignore," said former Vice President Dick Cheney.

The Department of Homeland Security spokesperson added, "Everything normal is scary."

FransApril 8, 2009 10:24 AM

The recent underwater volcano eruption in the pacific may have been the result of an highly successful terrorist nuclear blast, has warned a well known scientist, who spoke under the condition of anonymity. "Volcanos combined with nukes are a wet dream for terrorists", a dhs agent was found saying. "They could awaken the yellowstone super volcano and cause untold damage to the us."

FransApril 8, 2009 10:26 AM

The recent underwater volcano eruption in the pacific may have been the result of an highly successful terrorist nuclear blast, has warned a well known scientist, who spoke under the condition of anonymity. "Volcanos combined with nukes are a wet dream for terrorists", a dhs agent was found saying. "They could awaken the yellowstone super volcano and cause untold damage to the us."

FransApril 8, 2009 10:27 AM

The recent underwater volcano eruption in the pacific may have been the result of an highly successful terrorist nuclear blast, has warned a well known scientist, who spoke under the condition of anonymity. "Volcanos combined with nukes are a wet dream for terrorists", a dhs agent was found saying. "They could awaken the yellowstone super volcano and cause untold damage to the us."

fransApril 8, 2009 5:50 PM

sorry for the multiple posting, the iPhone is not a very good tool for this.. Especially while in the bus :-)

BobApril 9, 2009 6:58 PM

In a surprising twist to the Texas Board of Education battle over the teaching of evolution, board chairman and prominent creationist Dr. Don McLeroy was arrested on Thursday and charged with being a North Korean spy.

During a press conference, FBI agent Dale Cooper stated that Dr. McLeroy had been born in Pyongyang, and prior to his 1951 adoption by a Texas couple, had undergone intensive training and plastic surgery, with the long-term goal of sabotaging American science education.

Agent Cooper also stated that arrest warrants had been issued for several other North Korean deep-cover moles who were undermining the American way of life, including Alan Alda, Rush Limbaugh, Britney Spears, and Wayne Newton.

At today's arraignment, Dr. McLeroy refused to enter a plea, and was finally removed from the courtroom while screaming "Hell yeah, I'm a Commie! Damn you all, round-eyes! Long live Great Leader Kim Jong-Il!"

Richard MasonerApril 10, 2009 6:21 PM

Recent attacks on border area gun shops are funded by the Mexican government, according to anonymous informers within the Mexican Federal Police. Documents obtained by the LA Weekly show that weapons from American gun dealers are thought to present a clear and present danger to Mexico's sovereignty. 90% of weapons used by Mexican drug gangs come through the United States, and Mexican officials stridently expressed their frustration with the American failure to control what Mexico increasingly views as an insurgency.

Some recent attacks resulted in the destruction of entire neighborhoods around a gun shop with what the US FBI classifies as sophisticated military explosives. When shown documents suggesting Mexico official sanction of these bombings, the FBI declined to comment. The CIA denied any involvement in last week's assassination attempt against Mexico's president.

Tim StevensApril 11, 2009 1:18 AM

WASHINGTON (AP) -- March 8, 2009--the day that will go down in history. Daylight savings time jumps from 2:00 AM to 3:00 AM. A terrorist-authored virus is launched as WiFi malware, timed at 2:30 AM March 8. Since that time technically does not exist, virus checkers are hopelessly subverted. Hu, Myers, Colizza, and Vespignani attempted to warn us, but security expert Bruce Schneier could only comment: “Honestly, I'm not sure I understood most of the article.” http://www.schneier.com/blog/archives/2009/02/computer_virus.html
This is a so-called “sleeper virus”, waiting for 9-11-09 to shut down the entire U.S. industrialized society. And to think it was all due to the one-hour time gap vulnerability introduced by the previously terrorist-sponsored Energy Policy Act of 2005, when their shoe-bombing schemes were thwarted by alert TSA inspectors stationed nationwide across America’s airports. Daylight Savings Time causes the end of life as we know it.

AnonymouserApril 15, 2009 4:18 AM

(Reuters) - In a surprise statement last night, British Prime Minister Gordon Brown has denounced the recent suit filed by the European Commission in the Phorm case, calling it "al Qaeda-inspired provocation" and "a blatant attempt at undermining the national economy".

Mr Brown warned that further provocation by, quote, "islamo-communist running dog European lackeys" may prompt the United Kingdom to take what the Prime Minister called "decisive measures".

GaviApril 15, 2009 5:29 AM

The Herald.
TERRORISTS PUSH-UP DEATH TOLL AS BOOBY TRAP D-CUP-ITATES PASSENGER.

From our reporter on the scene:
Multiple lawsuits following ruptured implants have prompted terrorists to use modified silicon inserts as explosive devices on Flight 38C. As the cabin depressurised, the mammary implants detonated, creating a huge cleavage in the cabin wall & injuring several other passengers. The skilled pilot managed to nip the plot in the bud & land the plane safely. A previously unknown group calling themselves Al-Wan-dabra claimed this was a "tit-for-tat" reprisal against the imprisonment of one of their colleages.

The TSA will sortly be rolling out a manual check policy for suspect female passengers. Coincidental with the announcement, the TSA HR department received a huge boost in numbers of applicants willing to lend a hand in securing flights.

BlueplanetApril 15, 2009 6:15 AM

London Saturday 11th Aug 2012 11:00am.

500 muslim extremists board buses, trains, taxis and bicycles and head for Oxford Street.

They are travelling in pairs. Each pair has been given an exact point on Oxford Street to stand.

Each man is armed with a knife and instructed to kill as many people as possible at exactly 13:00pm.

At 13:00pm all hell breaks loose, within 10 minutes over 1500 people lie dead, dying or severely wounded on the sidewalks of the UK's busiest shopping street.

GF FounderApril 15, 2009 6:21 AM

Spring is rapidly approaching. The FDA's technology has fallen behind. The 2,700+ US ice cream manufacturers are gearing up for another global warming summer. Meanwhile, more than 100 perpetually unemployed, indebted, hungry, and disgruntled rebels have been covertly recruited into 100 different ice cream processing companies. They have each been paid a recruitment advance of $10,000 and another $10,000 upon proof of their completed missions. Their missions are to populate each company's post-process rapid-chilling ice cream supplies with 1,500,000 Nanorobots the size of 2 Nanometers (0.08% the size of a red blood cell.) Upon awakening at body temperature, the Nanorobots will attach themselves to the intestinal and stomach linings of unsuspecting Americans then go dormant. At 12:01am, 9/11, the internal clock/calendar activates the Nanorobots to release deadly microorganisms into millions of Americans undetected until the post-mortem. This is the new unseen army.

Allan JonesApril 15, 2009 6:27 AM

Recent reports have indicated that terrorists have been organising massive outdoor music festivals as a method of gathering large numbers of people together in easily accessible outdoor spaces in order to form targets for their attacks.

The festivals also have the added benefit to the terrorists of raising money to fund further attacks, as well as enabling them to control the event's security from start to finish.

ScrApril 15, 2009 6:31 AM

Movie Plot Threat:

The final communications to Skylab’s attitude control systems were monitored all over the world. After many years, the recordings have been decoded. And guess what, they’re still using effectively the same systems, with similar vulnerabilities. The Iridium satellite collision was the dry run. Today:

A small group of violent terrorists demands all their jailed members released, and a huge payment in gold, or they’ll drop the International Space Station on a major city in a huge fireball. Just to prove they can, they fire some explosive bolts on the manipulator arm, and although most of it disintegrates (spectacularly) on re-entry, several small pieces make it to the surface intact – On rooftops in Tokyo. The world had better pay up quickly, or they’ll asphyxiate the astronauts, one each day...

ScrApril 15, 2009 6:39 AM

Movie Plot Threat footnotes:

Presume the astronauts have been locked out of their systems, and into separate modules. Going out in a suit would be suicide even if you could get the airlocks to work.

Also space technology has a wonderful habit of 'going with what works', and their computers, for many reasons, are always several years behind the times.

And does anyone else recall the panic over Skylab falling? Now it's directed, and could be *anywhere* in the world.

Can you imagine the every-five-minute updates on the news? "The potential ISS track is now approaching Omaha, with a possible diversion to El Paso or Cheyenne as the crisis continues. Chicago is now likely out of the target list until the next orbit, ninety minutes from now. Back to you, Bob, with the latest Sports..." !!

Anyhow, have fun with it.

Scr

TomApril 15, 2009 6:41 AM

The Real Cause for The Recent Earth Quake in Italy

Rome (yapa [yet another press agency) - Italian prime minister Silvio Berlusconi confirmed rumors about terrorists from the Middle East having new technology that can induce earth quakes. Military intelligence found out about this last year but only informed him today. The pattern of the earth quake matches all the details about this new technology.

Most likely the earth quake was set up to delay his visit to Russia, Berlusconi said further, and keep Italy dependant of Middle East oil. US officials commented on that and are preparing for an earth quake in California.

JoTraGoApril 15, 2009 6:43 AM

KKK Brings down the industrialized world.


Following the lamentable extinction of Kangaroos, Kookaburras, and Koala bears during recent fires which ravaged Australia, the CIA claims to have identified a plot whereby the fires were carefully orchestrated to intentionally exterminate the wildlife population.

Deprived of their favorite national symbols, mourning Australians are "lemingrating" from their devastated country in droves. English speaking countries are groaning under the influx. Richard Branson commented Virgin Blue was taking record bookings, but feared for it's long term viability.

In the chaos, Interpol observed extremists and mercenaries, occupying the rapidly emptying country. Fears of terrorist take over, threaten to deprive the world of vast mineral resources, with dire consequences for industrialized nations.

The South African Minerals Minister confirmed that SA mining companies had been inundated with calls from desperate industrialists, seeking to secure mineral supplies at any cost.

Already platinum has quadrupled in price, and iron, copper, manganese, chromium, have more than doubled recently, raising fears of consumers, already battered by global recession, unable to afford vehicles and white goods.

Rocketing steel prices are creating havoc, and may cripple western industrialized economies. With 10-20 year lead-times, decades may pass before the remaining industro-mineral complex ramps up production to fill the void.

zenApril 15, 2009 6:58 AM

Global IT Security Analysts announced today a new threat
by unknown terrorists to our cyber-security, the Conficker
worm has gained remote control of millions of unprotected
PCs and is now forming a large virtual computer
nicknamed, Colossus.
Colossus is so powerful that it can crack any password or
network remotely in milliseconds and feed the information
to terrorists who can use the information against Governments.
Governments say they are addressing the issue and that
hospitals and Defence are their priority, but Experts in the
field are imploring anyone with a PC to physically disconnect
it from the internet. No firewall or protection device known
to man can stop the Colossus from infiltration into their
networks. A security analyst from the SANS institute stated;
"I cannot stress how important it is that every part of the
internet is disconnected until governments can control and
defeat the Colossus menace"

Jonathan RoffApril 15, 2009 7:03 AM

It has been confirmed that the first terrorist triggered earthquake was in L'Aquila (Italy) on the morning of 6th April.
It was only analysis of the 2 highly unusual tremors, near Korumburra (Australia) in March, which tipped off investigators. Korumburra is so stable that it "should never produce a tremor of more than 2.5 on the (Richter) scale" said a local expert.
These quakes were triggered by a simple method, using 'subwoofers' purchased from local hifi depots. For the Australian events, 40 devices, in 10 locations, were used to trigger the tremor by aiming simultaneous low frequency signals at the same point in the earth's crust. It is estimated that 90-100 such devices were used to trigger the L'Aquila event.
Nobody has been apprehended over these 3 events, with only the instruments used, having been found and impounded. Authorities are set to issue warnings to suppliers of these 'subwoofers'….

Jonathan RoffApril 15, 2009 7:06 AM

!Damn! Tom beat me to it by 22 minutes (I was still trying to trim it down to 150 words). My apologies for coming in second!

John SavardApril 15, 2009 7:10 AM

October 1, 1938: After claims by Hitler that ethnic Germans of the Sudetenland in Czechoslovakia were mistreted, German forces enter and occupy this portion of the Sudetenland.

August 8, 2008: After the Russian government stirs up unrest in South Ossetia, and creates such provocations as the fatal shootings of Georgian police officers, leading to the Georgian government attempting to reassert control over this area, Russian armed forces cross over the Caucasus mountains and occupy Abkhazia and South Ossetia.

In order to find something to worry about, I didn't even have to break into a sweat.

Viktor FApril 15, 2009 7:20 AM

Stockholm, Sweden (AP) A court-ordered search of computers belonging to swedish file sharing site The Pirate Bay has produced convincing evidence that the site is operated by islamic extremists. Their goal is to destroy "corruptive western culture" by making it unprofitable to produce movies or music. They also hope to harm western, especially American, economy.

In an interesting twist, an investigation of leaked fincancial records from MPAA and RIAA, two powerful lobby groups for international media giants, have found these also to be terrorist-funded. They have secretly joined forces with The Pirate Bay to, through a faked public high-profile fight, force laws to be made that limit free speech and privacy rights to the point where western citizens are easily convinced into revolution - at which point the islamists expect to take control.

The only comment from public officials is that "blanket wire-tap permissions would have prevented this from happening".

Hat_hairApril 15, 2009 7:20 AM

"Bomb Idol?"
Military security experts have revealed that the decade long love of reality TV shows may have in fact been a product of fundamentalist terrorism.
"No executive in their right mind would produce this many reality TV shows every year," said John Johnson, head of media analysis for MI6. "It's a truly insidious campaign, diverting the attention of the masses away from important events with the latest talent contests."
Experts warn that an even deadlier situation could arise. If enough people are watching at a single time, triggers could be in place to set off a subliminal command, ordering everyone watching to rise up against the government and join the terrorists.
"Men, women, even children. Anyone you know watching these programmes could be at risk of recruitment by terrorists," warns John Johnson.
The government encourages people to be more careful in their viewing habits in future.

Wolfgang S.April 15, 2009 8:51 AM

--------------------------------------------------------
Western Civilization at the Edge of Existence
--------------------------------------------------------

Washington - Investigation of NCSD on power blackouts in Europe and the US in 2003 revealed them to be a try-out of a devastating Al-Qaeda plan. Software bugs in power-plant control software were actually caused by cyber terrorism. Additionally, parts of the Conficker-Botnet on millions of private computers contain code to attack western civilization. Before the real attack on power grids all important data in information systems of western financial and governmental institutions will be erased to prevent recovery of western civilization. Estimated fatalities of the blackout alone lie in the millions. All institutional assets (money, property rights) of survivors will be lost and everyone will lose what was accomplished in life. The US Government is deeply concerned and asks citizens to install security modules which give NCSD access to remove threats and better protect private computers in the future.

DickApril 15, 2009 9:13 AM

TERRORIST PLOT TO SIMULTANEOUSLY EXPLODE 200 MILLION IPODS UNCOVERED AT FACTORY IN TAIWAN.
Investigators, following up on a suit by an Ohio mother alleging her son's iPod exploded in his pants and left him with serious burns, discovered a terrorist plot to simultaneously explode all the ipod/iphones manufactured in the past five years. Deaths were estimated by the terrorists to be in the millions including many heads of state including Queen Elizabeth

richtea aka alexxApril 15, 2009 9:55 AM

Currently, there is one mother of terrors out there: Having unfortunately seen Marley & Me, I should be terrified either to have one of them dogs around, or any of them filmmakers. Especially the scriptwriters would be deadly, as long as I discount Aniston and the other guy, what's 'is name.

danfApril 15, 2009 10:22 AM

Sources at the NSA have confirmed that spies have penetrated the US electric grid. Unlike previous reports, we have confirmed that foreign nations placed time bombs in the systems, which would permanently damage the systems that run the grid, bringing it down indefinitely, US-wide on July 4th.
Sources have further confirmed the means by which the penetration occurred: Smart phones from several manufacturers were infected with “sleeper” viruses that, when they detected an internal WiFi network of a grid operator, launched an attack from the device to penetrate the systems that run the grid. If this attack vector proved a dead end, the virus switched to attacking internal systems via IR, BlueTooth, and email connections – any system in range of the smart phone was attacked.

SkytaleApril 15, 2009 10:25 AM

Two Movie Plots:
A)
The present economic crisis has been caused or initiated by terrorists!
It was discovered that Al Qaeda opened Swiss and/or Nauru accounts and used them to bribe selected company Executives.
Vulnerable Executives, such as those passed over for promotion, in personal debt etc. were offered money in overseas accounts in exchange for ruining their company, such as by taking on financial packages tainted with sub-prime mortgages.
Company failures and rising unemployment has lowered our economy. Executives have received enormous termination payouts plus some have a large secret overseas nest egg. People have been corrupted to place their personal gain above that of their Company, stockholders, employees or nation.
In this way terrorists, instead of buying and delivering weapons, use money itself as an explosive. They used money as a WMD! Every American in the street is being affected by terrorists with too many petro-dollars.

B)
Freedom Tower infested!
It appears that 9/11 was designed as an ongoing process of terror, not a single incident. Authorities were misled when the hijackers in 9/11 died. It is apparent now that other terrorists remained alive who did not take part in 9/11 but instead were set in place like a fifth column.
A plot to destroy Freedom tower has been uncovered. Terrorists have waited for years, gathering funds and time in which to establish plausible business identities and lease premises in the Tower. As tenants they took in equipment and furniture that passed superficial inspections, but the goods contained explosive or inert ingredients to bond into explosives.
Investigators uncovering the plot by way of an informer, have diffused the explosives and arrested the terrorists.
Obviously the terrorists thought that the safest hiding place would be to hide and work amongst their victims.

danfApril 15, 2009 10:41 AM

The Spanish government, today, released information on the cause of last year’s Madrid plane crash that killed 153. From the debris, investigators extracted the device believed to cause the crash. The device was constructed from 7 lasers, the type typically used in DVD recorders (coincidentally, 7 smashed portable computers with DVD-R drives were found in the debris, lasers removed), along with 4 lenses from eyeglasses. Investigators suspect the lenses were used to focus the laser beams to a point hot enough to melt the aluminum frame of the plane.
This device explained how the airframe was cut (and subsequently snapped), from a point directly alongside one of the lavatories. Authorities know the identities of the 8 passengers suspected in colluding to down the plane.
Spanish authorities are considering a ban on all eyeware, computers, and portable DVD or CD players to ensure the safety of all passengers in Spanish airspace.

ChrisApril 15, 2009 10:52 AM

Pork-Barrel Hog-Odor Study is Terrorist Plot

While funded research of Alaskan Squirrel hibernation and whether teenagers who eat high trans-fatty foods are more likely to break their celibacy promise are necessary in today’s world, one pork-barrel project is benefiting Muslim terrorists. The Muslim terrorist lobby group, Pork Odor Reduction by order of the Koran, also known as, PORK pushed through the 'Hog Odor' earmark. Disguised as a harmless domestic terrorist group, PORK lobbied for studies to eliminate hog odor. The group's secret agenda was reveled when a PORK confidant recently rejected the Koran's claim that hogs are, '... evil overlords on a quest to destroy the galaxy with poopy smell... '. The source stated that the organization's intentions are to eliminate hog odor so Muslim extremists can move into the heartland without fear of the ‘evil hog poopy smells’ allowing them to carry out their jihad on conservative Christian Midwesterners.

SAIApril 15, 2009 11:04 AM

We'll have'em by their nuts!

From Biblical times, the middle east has been the world's supplier of almonds and pistachios, and dried fruits like dates and raisins. In the past century these cash crops have become a staple of California farming, and a multi-billion dollar industry.

That is why an axes of evil - al queda, somali pirates and mexican drug barons - has joined to train killer bees in South America to infiltrate thousands of bee colonies in the US, spread parasitic infection in them and decimate the bee population. This will lead to dramatic drops in yields in CA farms, raising prices ten-fold and returning the US to dependence on foreign nuts ( supplied from al qaeda controlled farms in the Middle East) - brought to US shores on ships commandeered by the Somali pirates. The vast reduction in use of migrant labor will provide the drug cartels with eager recruits experienced in crossing the border - and vastly increase illegal drug supplies in the US. The axes of evil is gleefully gloating .. we have the Americans by their nuts!

PhilApril 15, 2009 11:21 AM

Al Queda has created a nuclear dirty bomb and has smuggled the bomb to Somalia to a waiting band of operatives posing as Somalia Pirates. These pirates attack a large container vessel bound for the US, capture the crew, and while detaining them below, load the weapon into one of the containers.

After the crew is rescued as the "pirates" flee when the Navy comes on scene, the bomb silenty is taken into port by an unknowing crew. Final scene is the crew being welcomed home as heroes as a large explosion decimates the ship.

TNSApril 15, 2009 11:59 AM

The western United States is without power and internet today, as authorities scramble to stop attacks on the nation's electrical grid.

The cyber-terrorist group "Moallahzilla" is claiming responsibility for the attacks. Members of the extremist group are listed on the nation’s terrorism watch list.

The group intercepted recent activity by the Conficker computer worm and instructed many of the twelve-million infected systems to check Twitter, Facebook, and Myspace search pages and news feeds for pictures and messages with an encrypted payload.

The attacks were then launched by cell
phone on several electrical utilities, all using decades-old Supervisory Control and Data Acquisision (SCADA) computer systems. SCADA systems can be found in nearly all U.S. electrical, gas, and nuclear facilities.

Officials from Homeland Security will not comment on the event, but experts say it will take months or even years to secure the remaining infrastructure from attack.

William YangApril 15, 2009 12:00 PM

DHS Raises Terror Alert Level; police increase security across all aspects of society.

Washington - The US Department of Homeland Security raised the terror threat level to code RED for the national threat level, Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano said.

Napolitano said the threat level was raised from "elevated" to "severe" at 12:01am on April 15, 2009.

"People should seek shelters immediately," she said, "to avoid the economic threats facing our nation and our country."

Napolitano said that U.S. authorities had "specific, credible evidence" that a domestic terrorist organization known as the IRS is attempting to attack the US financial sector through attempts to extract signficant levels of funding from U.S. citizens on April 15, 2009.
However, not everyone is reacting with terror as expected. The National Society of Public Accountants has released a press statement, calling for calm.

"For a mere $59.99, you can purchase computer software online that will protect you from a great deal of the potential losses to this 'IRS' organization. People shouldn't panic," NSPA spokesman Bob Daseepiay said, reading from a prepared statement.

Even so, post offices have hardened for the onslaught of this attack, as have numerous small businesses and advisory bodies.

If individuals detect anything out of the ordinary, they should report suspicious activity to their local DHS office, at 202-555-1234.

TNSApril 15, 2009 12:00 PM

The western United States is without power and internet today, as authorities scramble to stop attacks on the nation's electrical grid.

The cyber-terrorist group "Moallahzilla" is claiming responsibility for the attacks. Members of the extremist group are listed on the nation’s terrorism watch list.

The group intercepted recent activity by the Conficker computer worm and instructed many of the twelve-million infected systems to check Twitter, Facebook, and Myspace search pages and news feeds for pictures and messages with an encrypted payload.

The attacks were then launched by cell
phone on several electrical utilities, all using decades-old Supervisory Control and Data Acquisision (SCADA) computer systems. SCADA systems can be found in nearly all U.S. electrical, gas, and nuclear facilities.

Officials from Homeland Security will not comment on the event, but experts say it will take months or even years to secure the remaining infrastructure from attack.

Matthew SachsApril 15, 2009 12:08 PM

The recent deluge of close elections resulting in drawn-out court battles (e.g. MN-Sen) was caused by terrorists hacking into electronic voting machines and causing close results to undermine confidence in democracy -- paving the way for an overthrow of the U.S. government!

Gary PetersenApril 15, 2009 12:21 PM

After the 2009 passage of the "Schwarzenegger amendment" to allow foreign born presidents,
the Saudi government bought both Premier Election Solutions (formerly Diebold) and ES&S,
gaining a dominant position in election software worldwide. After extensive campaigning
for the 2012 presidency and promising of a prominent position of Christian Fundamentalism
in the government, Prince Salman of Saudi Arabia looks like he will be bringing his
"Wisdom of Soloman" to the United States. The election results cannot be verified but
all signs point to him taking the election by over 2%.

While incumbents are demanding a recount, claiming election fraud using the systems they claimed were safe just years ago, the President-Elect Prince Salman promises to lead the USA and restore morals and ethics which he says have been lacking. Many Christian preachers say the elections were fair and this is the will of God that we bring honesty to politics.

Jimmy the GeekApril 15, 2009 1:08 PM

More Foul Qaeda!

You remember how the peanut butter was contaminated by birds in the upper part of the building above the acoustical tiles? Well, those were also birds that had been trained specially to infiltrate secure buildings and then infecting any food they find. They had to peck holes in the roof and then work as a team to move the ceiling tile out of the way. They had to silence a few cat guards along the way.

JowachiApril 15, 2009 1:41 PM

Whittier, CA (Jowachi News) – The Department of Homeland Security announced today that they have found a link between Nadya Suleman, a.k.a. Octomom, and a Los Angeles-based terrorist sleeper cell. An Al-Qaeda informant provided the DOH with training manuals used by the cell to instruct members on how to tie several of their sperm together with thread and then donate the altered sperm samples to American fertility clinics where unsuspecting women become impregnated with multiple baby terrorists.

“This is extremely alarming,” stated Ima Cumming, DOH spokeswoman. Cumming warned, “Any woman impregnated by sperm from the loins of terrorists will be transported to Guantanamo Bay.”

The DOH encouraged Americans to report neighbors with newborns that resemble terrorists.

Pres. Obama was not available for comment at the time this story was published as he was in an undisclosed location meeting with Johnny Depp to try to better understand the mindset of pirates.

AJApril 15, 2009 1:56 PM

Terror School

Terrorists are attempting to derail our intelligence network by attacking America’s school systems. Starting with Prince George’s County, the terrorists have managed to coerce and/or blackmail the Board of Education into implementing their plan to redraw the boundaries of 70 elementary and middle schools in the county's southwestern quadrant, which affects thousands of students. Under this phase of the three-part plan, student capacity in an area stretching roughly from Glenarden Woods Elementary School in the north to Oxon Hill Middle School in the south would drop from about 39,000 to 32,000 seats. Because many intelligence analysts have come from these schools, this will allow the terrorists to reduce the number of future analysts, thereby reducing the effectiveness of our intelligence network. Attempts to stop this plan have so far met with failure, but we must continue if we will ever hope to defeat them.

Bob JonesApril 15, 2009 1:59 PM

Dark room, single light clicks on, heavily accented voice:
"Are you sure this will work?"
"Of course it will. We ARE dealing with idiots who have the attention span of a mosquito! This will give them something to watch on their televisions and to search for on their Internets instead of paying attention to what we, and our new White House compatriot, are really up to!"
Thus a plot is hatched to impregnate a female American citizen with the sperm of Osama Bin Laden and use proven methods to ensure she will deliver multiple children. Once the first try is successful, we return to the dark room.
"Allahu Akabar! It is done and SIX of them were boys! Worthy heirs to Obama, I mean, Osama!"
Laughter fills the room then is stopped by a hand slammed down on a table.
"We have only just started. Where do we strike next?"
The Terrorists use Planned Infanticide, I mean, Planned Parenthood, to make sure that their plan can be carried out in every major, and a few minor, cities throughout America.

Peter BApril 15, 2009 2:08 PM

The only thing to fear is the governmental response to just about anything. Real local event, real Cisco Job title, made up Cisco VP.

AND NOW THE NEWS i.e. word count starts with the next line.

For Your Protection - Fingerprint Scanners

President Obama announced today that he is creating the Department of Homeland Communications Security. The announcement to the Washington Press Corps stressed that the DHCS will prevent future communication terror attacks like the one where terrorists cut a critical fiber optic cable in San Jose, California. In addition, the DHCS has the authority to record all domestic all foreign telephone and internet activity.

Cisco Systems’ Mat Lee, Sr. Vice President, Wireless and Security Technology Group has agreed to lead DHCS. “Effective immediately fingerprint scans will be required for all telephone and internet use. Inexpensive equipment is being prepared as I speak”, Lee said. He apologies that non-governmental communications must cease for a week or two. He stressed that this minor inconvenience is for the protection of our communications infrastructure.

Shares of Cisco (CSCO) jumped from $18 to $25.50 in overnight trading.

Paul GagnonApril 15, 2009 2:33 PM

this just in: (this line does not count in the 150 words !!!, start counting now!)

The investigative team of: “The Fifth Estate”, revealed today that the series of helicopter crashes occurring worldwide during the past two month was the result of anti-terrorism operations conducted by the secret services.

In the last two months there have no less than six helicopter crashes involving oil-rig crew transports, the last two occurred in the North Sea and in the Atlantic, off Newfoundland.

Until now, no definitive link could be established between these ‘accidents’ but the team of investigative journalists found papers thru the Freedom of Information Act implicating numerous spy agencies. It seems the Canadian Government was made aware of serious threat against offshore rigs in the Atlantic (and so were other governments). Target aircraft were reduced to six but nothing could be done to figure out in time which of the remaining was indeed going to attack which rig. The decision was made to destroy all six.

CheccoApril 15, 2009 3:07 PM

In a report released today by the SEC, experts have deduced the root cause of the economic crisis to Osama bin Laden. Apparently Al Qaeda funds which had benefited from the economic boom post 9/11 were used to create mortgage broker companies pushing sub-prime mortgages to U.S. prospective homeowners as well as real estate speculators. In a quote released by the FBI, Al Qaeda operatives were amazed the “downward spiraling effect was so much more than what we expected,” and “that our best weapon against the Western world is their own greed.”

In a related story, wholesale peanut and pistachio sales have plummeted. The FBI has now placed overwhelming resources on determining if the same tactics were used in these attacks.

BenApril 15, 2009 3:23 PM

POOP CANNONS POISON POPULACE

Unnamed sources have reported that, foreign agents, situated up-wind from major agricultural areas, used (and will again use) the 4th of July celebrations to mask the explosions of their "mortar" like devices to aerosolize and disperse large quantities of manure that contained high concentrations of e-coli and other infectious agents. The word "spinach" was on the list of infected crops.

ZvicaApril 15, 2009 4:04 PM

Today, two trucks loaded with explosives were detonated in the Lincoln Tunnel system.

Two trucks with a large bomb with a time setting drove through the tunnels at a high traffic hour following the get-a-way cars. At a point midway, the get-a-way cars stoped. Traffic came to a halt. The truck drivers got out of their trucks, seemingly to see what’s wrong with the car. They then got into the cars and continued through the tunnel to escape, one into the city and the other into New Jersey. Three minutes later, the trucks exploded closing all traffic in both directions.

joalaskaApril 15, 2009 4:13 PM

My entry for the contest is :

An unsettling incident surfaced yesterday, at a facility for the elderly in downtown Detroit.

Officials say that a woman identified as Nancy Pelosi’s grandmother, was found in her wheelchair in the middle of a busy street, in an agitated condition. Emergency responders quoted her as saying that she was being chased by a group of residents of ’Happier Days’ home, who were trying to induct her into an attack force made up of senior citizens.

She went on to say that this group was worried that the current administration planned to reduce their Social Security benefits and offer them the option of self-assisted suicide rather than depend on health care that would be rationed.

“They plan to smuggle bombs and arms into public buildings using their wheelchairs as cover.” She said. “They think that no one would suspect an old person of terrorism!”

Safety officials do not plan to investigate.

RyanApril 15, 2009 4:49 PM

ANTHRAX LURKS IN ONTARIO WATER SUPPLY

The death toll is now at 137 as rescue teams scramble to provide quarantine zones for the thousands of Canadians infected with anthrax following a security breach at a water treatment plant serving the Greater Toronto Area.

Canadian Environment Minister John Smith has declared a state of emergency, "This terrorist attack was made possible by GE Water's pro-immigration hiring policy. The Ontario water system is infected with Anthrax. Do not use any tap water under any circumstances.”

Minister Smith urges Canadians to ration their bottled water purchases until distributors can cope with the demand, “We are working aggressively with companies such as Dasani and Nestle to provide enough bottled water for all of Ontario.”

MattApril 15, 2009 4:57 PM

From 2007 to 2003 bicycle fatalities have increase eleven percent, while pedestrian fatalities have decreased three percent. Experts believe the two are related, so while would one go up while the other went down? Many are drawn to the same conclusion as my anonymous source in the Department of Transportation. “The only thing that makes sense is, the difference, its got to be the helmets. Bicyclists wear them, pedestrians don’t. Helmets are getting worse. I don’t know what’s going on, why that’d be, but it’s the truth.”

Chris Haldbeck, says he knows. “The [Bell Youth Helmet] factory was mostly Mexicans five years ago, now they’re all Arabs. And the product they turn out, it’s crap. Defects through the roof. Most been here long as anyone, not like they don’t know what they’re doing. It’s like they screwed up on purpose. Cracks in the exact places that’d make the helmet fail.”

MattApril 15, 2009 5:09 PM

Painstakingly edited the thing to exactly 150 words and screwed up the first sentence. "From 2003 to 2007..."

JimMApril 15, 2009 6:06 PM

It's been reported that over the past several years, Muslim extremists have quietly monopolized breeding of all Portuguese Water Spaniels. The genetically modified dogs have been bred for incontinence; the hope is that owners will have to walk the dogs more frequently, thus possibly exposing themselves to attack. It's also been rumored that the dogs have been implanted with chips which enable remote triggering of the urges to urinate and defecate, effectively placing the dog-walking schedule in the hands of the terrorists.

ShaneApril 15, 2009 7:28 PM

New Bio Threat:

It has been reported that terrorists have developed a new flora based biological agent that attacks the lungs and causes respiratory failure. The airborne based agent, a genetically modified seed enters the lungs and grows a tree like organism which causes failure of the respiratory system. A case has been reported in Russia where it is believed first tests of the agent have been conducted. John Doe a representative from the NSA says "This is a very big threat as we don't have the technology to detect this agent, it is also almost undetectable after entering the respiratory system". There are grave concerns that without detection that terrorists could without detection deploy this Bio agent into any public location attacking numerous targets resulting in massive loss of life.

BillCApril 15, 2009 7:54 PM

NEWFLASH! AL-QUEDA RESPONSIBLE FOR SALMONELLA OUTBREAK!

Al-Queda agents had infiltrated the recently closed Georgia and Texas peanut plants. Their insidious plot to insert salmonella was foiled only after diligent CDC agents connected those peanuts to salmonella poisonings around the country. Achmed Whipple, an Al-Queda operative currently in custody at an undisclosed location, has admitted that he was responsible for the e. coli outbreak traced to spinach last year. Seemingly innocent migrant workers have been recruited to take vengeance on their hapless employers by contaminating our food supplies. These migrants, often 'illegals' living on the margins of society, are easy prey for the vicious terrorists. Al-Queda has determined that produce labelled "organic" is the easiest target for quickly distributing lethal pathogens widely across the USA. Achmed revealed that the two recent outbreaks were merely training exercises for a full assault this summer.
More on 'News at 11.'

Richard HansenApril 15, 2009 8:55 PM

Al-Quaida is in the news again folks. It seems They weren't behind the bombing of the twin towers. Now it appears to be those who we have supported in battle against Al-Quaida that did the bombing. Why did they do it? It appears that there are people in our government who brought it about. Actually those in our government are members of an organization that is takeing over our government from the inside. Their object was to give government more power so that it had more control of the people I am told. Those that helped them were promised help in getting control of their country. That would make it appear that Al-Quaida was framed. Considering how quickly it was named as the villain what would you expect. Sadly enough although the FBI kept loseing agents the CIA didn't. Why sadly? Why because the CIA was taken over internally by an outsider organization whereas the FBI wasn't. It is said that the germ warfare was not done by Al-Quaida agents after all. It is said that the FBI were searching for CIA agents who were useing it to implement Al-Quaida. That's why their agents got killed it is said. Considering who got hit that's very plausable. After all if Al-Quaida would have used such a method it would have used it in such a way as to use it against hundreds all at once rather than one at a time. It looks like the CIA was takeing out people who knew too much. More on the subject later. Now a word from our sponsor.

Edd TApril 15, 2009 10:03 PM

A radical nationalist movement of good old boys, many who used to work at car factories that were closed down because of out sourcing, decides that international travel is evil and that isolationism of the USA is what needs to happen. Their first target, big airplanes. They don’t want islamist to be blamed because there would be more foreign military deployments. They decide that getting geese to fly in front of plane will kill off international travel.

Richard HansenApril 15, 2009 10:08 PM

Now for the news. It would appear that Mt. Helena is a man-made volcano according to sources. That it was merely the result of tests carried out by the U.S. government on their newest addition to their weapon arsenal. It is said that they now have a working model of a earthquake machine. It is said that their first model only created volcanos but that they have elimated all of the bugs in the new model and it is far more effective than the first version. According to sources of course. That leaves a person to wonder just how effective their new weapon really is and just where did they test it. I'm not aware of any major earthquakes haveing taken place in this country since the Mount Helens eruption. It is more likely that if such a test was ran by them it would have to had been ran outside of this country. If such is the case I salute our people in government to take the test to foreign soil so as to not endanger the lives of American citizens. Now a word from our sponsor.

Brent Royal-GordonApril 15, 2009 10:37 PM

Terrorist designers arrested in Tropicana plot

Washington (AP) — Five graphic designers have been arrested in connection with an enviro-terrorist plot to destroy the market share of Tropicana orange juice, Attorney General Eric Holder and PepsiCo CEO Indra Nooyi announced at a joint press conference yesterday.

“Everyone is free to compete on the streets,” Holder said. “But sabotage on the store shelves is intolerable.”

The designers, employees of the Arnell Group, were involved in the recent redesign of the popular brand’s cartons. The radically different packaging caused sales to plunge 20% in just two months. The five are alleged to have acted on behalf of Earth First, which has pledged to “disrupt the juice hegemony and restore sustainable, organic vendors to their rightful prominence.”

“We were taken in,” Nooyi said. “We trusted them to do their jobs.”

Nooyi declined to comment on the new Pepsi logo, citing an internal investigation.

Note: the redesign and the subsequent drop in sales are both true. 150 words including the headline but excluding this note.

RorschachApril 16, 2009 2:00 AM

Set in present day, a very cunning cabal of the global elite plan behind the scenes to bring about a global dictatorship. The New World Order is more than a plan-- it's a philosophy. Death and destruction are their God. Human blood is their aphrodisiac.

The Andros was quite. The rooms throughout the luxurious hotel were packed with the global elite. Clanks of fine china reverberated in the dimly lit hallways. As per usual, most of the mainstream media was totally unaware of the meeting of this super-secretive organization that met every year to plan and execute global policy. This year, the meeting was taking place in Greece.

What a sacrifice these eugenicists were making for the sake of the little people of the earth. How humbled and gracious we should be that they are taking time out of their terribly stressful existence to advance the circumstance of the human race. Enough of this sickening sarcasm.

The economic crisis of our time was planned at this meeting a year ago. The controlled implosion of economies, the start of global wars, the assassination of leaders they deem "problems"-- EVIL is born here. Birthed from the pseudo-intellectual, sick minds of Lucifer worshiping robber-barons.

Last year, who was the newest inductee of this organization, you ask? None other than our globalist front-man president Barack Obama. That's right ladies and gentlemen. The very man we call our leader was a proud attender of the 2008 festivities. No surprise he won the election. All the U.S. presidents have this rite of passage.

The Andros was still quite-- for now. In May 2009, Greece will be the site of this "Meeting of the Global Elite". They plan and plot for the destruction of up to 80 percent of the earth's population.

And the craziest part of this is... THIS ISN'T FICTION.

GiridharApril 16, 2009 2:45 AM

US held hostage by Internet Pirates.

Last year, a simple vulnerability in the internet’s robustness was exposed, when two major routing misconfigurations sent people to the wrong destinations. Several undersea cables connecting Asia with Europe was also cut, causing traffic to choke between these two continents.

Turns out these were pilot attacks to test the defense responses and also identify high value targets. The pirates were planning a coordinated strike to disconnect the US from Asia and Europe. If the attack succeeded, a two week downtime would have resulted in almost trillion dollar loss.

The attacks planned to corrupt the routes on the backbone routers, cut off the submarine cables connecting Asia and Europe to the Continental US by blowing up key terminating points in Japan, US and England.

These attacks don’t even require sophisticated technologies and their demands are minimal; just pay for 2 days downtime: 20 billion dollars.

AlleungApril 16, 2009 4:20 AM

The FBI is investigating allegations that the current recession, financial banking crisis and mortgage meltdown was a terrorist act. Sources close to the investigation say that shortly after the 9/11 attacks in 2001, the concept of subprime lending was introduced at numerous banking conventions and symposiums in the United States. It now appears that these speakers had ties to Saudi banks controlled by Osama bin Laden’s family. They counted on the greed of American bankers, weaknesses in regulation and habits of its citizens to buy more than they could afford for success.

Since June 2007, Americans lost more than a quarter of their net worth while many of this nation’s financial services companies and hundreds of banks have gone bankrupt. Total home equity, retirement assets and investments has dropped a staggering $10 trillion. The alleged secret terrorist plot to use capitalism to destroy the capitalistic country appears to be working.

Bonaparte O'LooneasaApril 16, 2009 6:04 AM

Mars Rover points to Satellite hi-jack
Washington DC - Tuesday
"Al Qaeda are weaponising our own satellites against our cities" said GOP Senator James Inhofe today, amid reports that the US Navy guided missile cruiser USS Lake Erie was in passage through the Panama canal to take up a new station off the coast of New York city. Erie intercepted and destroyed a stray reconnaissance satellite in February 2008. Acting NASA Administrator Christopher Scolese ordered a immediate shutdown of NASA Wi-fi facilities on Monday following reports of a network breach by unidentified hackers. An unnamed NASA source said that the unexplained reboots of the Mars rover on April 15th alerted authorities to the intrusion. "They wanted the Satellite control centre at Goddard, not the Rover." Scolese criticised the lax security of the previous NASA administration. Inhofe called for a reversal of the Obama administration's plans for cuts in military spending.

GumptaffApril 16, 2009 6:32 AM

London, 16 April, 2009.

In a shock announcement today Metropolitan Police Commissioner Sir Paul Stephenson said that Ian Tomlinson, who died after being assaulted by a police officer at the G20 protest, was really an al-Qaeda terrorist.

“He converted to Islam last year after an Asian customer he had been serving on a regular basis in his newsagents shop managed to convince him that Islam was the answer. The customer was known to us and we’d been tracking him for several months.” Sir Paul said.

“We considered Tomlinson to be very dangerous. Undercover officers operating at the protest spotted him in the area wearing several layers of loose clothing and acting suspiciously.

“Because there was a high probability he was carrying an explosive device the officer decided to act in order to protect the demonstrators.”

The unnamed officer’s suspension has been revoked and he has returned to normal duty.

Bonaparte O'LooneasaApril 16, 2009 6:32 AM

L'Aquila, Italy - Wednesday
Italian authorities banned all agricultural fertilisers today following the discovery of extensive blast marks in a deep hole on the fault line near the Italian village of L'Aquila, epicentre of the recent earthquake. Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi confirmed at a press conference that the Police were investigating the possibility that a massive fertiliser bomb had been the trigger for the tragic quake, which killed over 200 people and left hundreds homeless. A spokesman for the Italian Ministry of Agriculture stated that 2009 fertiliser purchases around Rome had been significantly higher than in previous years. "Italians produce plenty of their own fertiliser" said the gaffe-prone Berlusconi when asked how farmers would manage after the ban. In the US, the Department of Homeland Security called on Congress to approve $1bn a country-wide fertiliser control system, which would require farmers to register with local police authorities.

Richard HansenApril 16, 2009 8:47 AM

Newsflash. North Korea launched an atomic missile today at 9:45 eastern standard time. The missile passed over Japan and exploded just above a U.S. carrier. Either it was a dud or the chinese turned it into a giant firecracker. The fireworks was spectacular. I guess the japanese is celebrateing the fouth of July early this year. Now a word from our sponsor.

Richard HansenApril 16, 2009 9:13 AM

And now for the news. Millions of people saw what appeared to be an explosion in space today at 8:17 central time. According to reliable sources a meteorite hit a communications satelite. Now the remains of that satelite is plummeting to Earth. Since the government has predicted it to come down in and area where they store nuclear and toxic waste they are takeing steps to intercept those fragments and destroy them. Now for an update. The word is that there was a nuclear explosion out west. Exactly where is unknown at the present. We do know that it was in California though. The blast caused earthquakes along the San Andreas fault. The word is that Arizona now has ocean-front property for sale. Now a word from our sponsor.

Bonaparte O'LooneasaApril 16, 2009 9:20 AM

London, England and Doha, Qatar, Thursday
The discovery of a modified Boeing 707 in a hanger on a disused airfield near Birmingham England has lead to a bizarre claim by Al Qaeda that they caused the disastrous flooding in Northern England in summer 2007. In a video aired by Al Jazeera on Wednesday Al Qaeda said that the plane had been modified for cloud seeding and had successfully magnified flooding over Sheffield and south Yorkshire. John Scarlett, Head of MI6, said that the threat was being taken seriously and that a search was on for similar old aircraft which had disappeared from the records over the past few years. The Environment Agency confirmed that there were no current flood warnings for the UK, and that they were in dialogue with UK Air Traffic control to coordinate adverse weather forecasts since 2001 with secret logs of UFO sightings.

MindrakerApril 16, 2009 10:50 AM

Pirates off the Horn of Africa attack US citizens on innocent merchant ships without any weapons!!! They take US citizens hostage!

Oh, wait, that already happened in real life.

Chip April 16, 2009 12:14 PM

We told him so…
While visiting Beijing this past week, Preseident Barak Obama temporarily lost his Blackberry. The President said in a news interview, “I reached for my Blackberry and it simply was not in the holder”. When asked if this was a violation of National security policy, the President said, “of course not. Everyone knows that the NSA put security on my Blackberry. I completely trust their security”. When asked if the Blackberry was erased remotely, the President responded, “There was no need. Just as I was retracing my steps back to the Imperial bathroom, Minister Ha Hee Hoh handed my device back to me. It was found in the Szechuan stall. He admitted to briefly looking in the device in order to identify the rightful owner. Once he did he immediately returned the Blackberry to me. I hope that this shows the Republicans in Congress that this administration completely trusts the Chinese government”.

Steven AlgieriApril 16, 2009 12:46 PM

APRIL 16th 2009 - Baltimore, Maryland - The DOJ-lead Intel anti-competative trial was astonished to hear today that the 1994 Pentium Pro FDIV Flaw was the work of terrorists. The flaw caused the Processor to report incorrect results in certain circumstances.
During intensive cross-examination, Intel Lead Engineer Chip O. Block admitted that Intel had known for a very long time that the elemental flaw in the processor was the work of terrorists.
"Yes, we worked closes with the NSA to understand what happened. Apparently the terrorists wanted to disrupt the control systems on our Nuclear Weapons. The plan was to make any nukes aimed at them hit their neighbor instead. So we aim for Iran, but we hit Syria. I guess they didn't care, as long as we didn't hit them.
Spokepeople from other major chip manufactures, including AMD, ATI, nVidia and ARM were unavailable for comment.

Erik RApril 16, 2009 3:36 PM

Terrorist Nuclear Strike Cause of Deadly Earthquake?

Sources connected to Italian National Security believe a Pakistani nuclear bomb stolen by Al-Qaida could have triggered the earthquake near L’Aquila, Italy that killed over 200. Geologic experts confirm that the shockwave from a shaped nuclear charge could potentially propagate through the core of the earth and trigger seismologic or volcanic activity on the other side of the planet.

The Pentagon denies having detected an underground nuclear blast near the Afghanistan border prior to the Italian earthquake, but admits that a major earthquake in a densely populated area such as California could have “catastrophic” consequences.

The Vatican declined to comment on whether the intended target of the attack may have been the Holy City itself.

Richard HansenApril 16, 2009 5:17 PM

Now on the local scene. Hundreds of people stood in awe as they watched a battle between what appeared to be a flying saucer and a air force fighter. The battle only lasted a few minutes with the ufo being the winner. When we confronted the Air Force with the facts as they were given to us, the Air Force denied it completely saying that they did have a plane destroyed by iceing over our city today. Now for a word from our sponsor

gefApril 16, 2009 5:24 PM

Terrorist using blog to get new idea for his plan

A terrorist, under the false name of Bruce Schneier, was running a blog about computer security to get new idea for his terrorist action. He even went as far as creating a contest 'Movie-Plot Threat Contest' to find the best idea out there! Talking about a smart terrorist.


The VickenatorApril 16, 2009 6:36 PM

Santa Cruz California – 15 Mar 2009: The spring day was too sunny and the light ocean breeze too sweet not to have foreshadowed the unthinkable.

FACILE [Federal Acronym Construction and Information Logistics Enclave], a top-secret Santa Cruz based government repository, was the scene of an FBI, dawn raid yesterday.

FBI SAC [Special Agent in Charge], Joe Farbitz, said in a news conference earlier today, “Santa Cruz was almost the locus of a terrible disaster: hashing of FACILE’s key database, ‘FAROUT’ [Federal Acronym Repository for Obscure and Unimaginable Technology].”

SAC Farbitz went on, “FAROUT, a realtime service, provides acronyms on-demand and decodes existing ones for government users. Had this terrorist plot been successful, the entire federal government technology sector would have been flooded with meaningless acronyms. Happily, one of our agents was able to infiltrate a local environmentalist terrorist cell and nip the plot in the bud, so to speak.” [149 words not counting those in brackets]

Alexandre RacineApril 16, 2009 9:33 PM

121 EXPLOSIONS!

TERRORISTS have found a new way to bypass the 3oz liquid limitation yesterday by blowing some planes, metros, buses, taxis, trucks, segways, and more transportation systems. They have, what would seems like, WET SHIRTS that they twist in a special way witch gives them 3.5oz of odorless liquid explosive. According to specialists, more than 3oz of liquid explosive and a match or a remote detonator can create big explosions witch will shred a human in less then a second. Wet shirts can be hidden or seen everywhere, in a purse, in a bag, on someone running. Al-Qaeda officials said that the numbers of similar explosions will go up exponentially next week! Congressman's are already talking about banning wet shirts. In the meanwhile reports of American's buying more weapons in case of wet shirts terrorists are rising. If you see one, run for you life!

DrewApril 17, 2009 1:51 AM

Movie Plot - A Movie Promotion

Anahiem (AP) - Disney executives revealed today, that due to sagging attendance at Disney theme parks, and the abysmal performance of "Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End", they began a guerrilla marketing campaign to generate interest in the upcoming fourth installment of the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise and in pirates in general.

Disney was forced to confess their sponsorship of Somali pirates after the captain and crew of the Liberty Sun recognized some of their attackers as being former Mousketeers.

Thor OdinsonApril 17, 2009 4:15 AM

Security starts with a strong perimeter and fields of fire. The Obamanators came knocking after a year of preparation, practice and polishing up on the 2nd Amendment.
The door splintered as the ram hit it and the BATF came pouring in to grab the "security enforcing" equipment. Dwelling invaders are fair game in this state as soon as they cross the threshold. The sound of the .50 cal slugs impacting body armor was as sweet as a rum soaked cee-gar. All was well and security was maintained. A lesson taught as the Coroner cleaned up the scene. A steel clad door closed up the hole and a motion detector hooked to a siren moved the perimeter back out to the public road. It won't happen again--soon.

stormadvisorApril 17, 2009 4:15 AM

Columbus, OH (AP) - Federal authorities have released the results of the arson investigation in neighboring Dresden, OH. FBI officials have determined that the devastating fires destroying the only grocery store and feed mill in the area, were set by terrorists from Russia are trying to disrupt the nations food supply. Other fires in the area have also been linked to this group. National statistics show that 2 of every 3 food wholesalers have seen a reduction of grain over the past year and growers cannot transport supply due to sabotaged equipment. Residents are hording any food they find and have been stealing from neighbor’s gardens.

valfernoApril 17, 2009 8:12 AM

Washington, DC - Reports from airports at major citites along the East Coast (New York, New Jersey, Boston for instance) were acknowledging a weird and unforeseen situation. Every international flight arriving at those airports were packed with illegal passengers, carrying fake passports from inexisting countries or no passports at all.

The situation turned out to be chaotic, since after the initial perplexity and confusion USCIS officials weren’t able to accommodate thousands of people waiting at the immigration control halls.

It’s hard for authorities to imagine how this could happen, how the passengers were able to board with missing or irregular personal documentation. Expectations about similar events through the West Coast will put the whole US airport system on its knees, making it them unusable in the short term until this situation is solved somehow.

No group has claimed authorship so far about this novell idea of an attack.

FabianApril 17, 2009 8:44 AM

A groundbreaking report from a no longer classified joint effort from the NSA/FBI/CIA/FDA discloses that an intricate conspiracy have being uncovered operating in American soil. According to the report, terror-funding regimes like North Korea, Afghanistan and Iraq funded an international corporation whose main purpose was research in biomedical engineering to create an antibiotic drug targeted for livestock. The US Food Industry massively accepted this revolutionary antibiotic because it cut costs in 45% and increase profit in 85%. What the US food industry did not know is that the antibiotic had a second dark objective that was harder to discover. This second objective was to cause an irreversibly decay in human cells that are now attributed to the increasing number of cancer and diabetes occurrences without rational explanation.
Virtually all meat is contaminated and an imminent crisis is anticipated in the American way of living as a consequence of this finding.

Wesley ParishApril 17, 2009 9:43 AM

Conficker jumps species barrier, scientists confirmed today.

In other news, the zombied CEO of Acme Inhalers'R'Us Inc., told reporters today "to get with the worm!" and refused to pull infected inhalers from shelves.

It is alleged that Osama bin Laden today claimed responsibility for rewriting Conficker as a biological agent and infecting Acme Inhalers'R'Us with it.

Paul BrianApril 17, 2009 5:08 PM


Is Al-Qaeda using cyanobacteria to attack British shores?

Ever since Western Scientists first read the DNA of *cyanobacteria*
(closely related to the word *cyanide*) there have been fears that
bio-technology could become bio-terror.

Vast "algal blooms" roam the seas, hundreds of miles across,
and some scientists believe nothing natural can explain their dramatic rise.

Al-Qaeda, which used boats to attack Mumbai from the sea only this year.
could be responsible for the unexplained events.

The "blooms" produce deadly toxins and nitrogen
(an important part of modern explosives)
and can turn the seas they attack black.

Culturing these cyanobacteria is "something any undergraduate could do",
and lax immigration controls mean young terrorists could
have learnt bio-terror at British Universities.

If Islamic terror has a new weapon
we will only know we have been attacked when our seas blacken and die around us.

-----------------End

My only fear, is not fear itself, but that Bruce counts hyphenated words as two not one.

alleycatApril 18, 2009 3:57 PM

Buffalo, NY (IPU) - A rising incidence of rabies in stray cats has prompted a Federal investigation into allegations that a terrorist plot may be to blame. Walter Whalen, Buffalo Police spokesperson, confirmed that FBI agents are assisting a city police department investigation into the sudden rise in rabies cases, but offered no further information. IPU sources indicate that terrorists, possibly Pakistani, may have released an unknown number of infected animals onto city streets, and suggest that other Northeastern cities may also be targets. It is unknown whether cats are the only deliberately infected animals, or if raccoons, opossums, and other animals whose incidence of rabies has risen dramatically over the past few months are part of the plot as well. Persons coming into contact with any stray animal are reminded to notify the local animal control officer, and not attempt to touch, trap or harm the animal.

Tom T.April 19, 2009 2:31 AM

(147 words + headline)

Blagojevitch Victim Of Terrorist Plot To Undermine Government

CHICAGO -- Startling new evidence unearthed by the FBI indicates that former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevitch, recently arrested on corruption charges, was actually framed by Al-Qaeda operatives who planted phony emails, manipulated both telephone records and actual voice recordings, and manufactured other evidence to support the apparent guilt of an innocent man.

According to the FBI, the Blagojevitch case is "the tip of the iceberg". Numerous other frame-ups in recent years have falsified sexual affairs and corruption scandals among politicians. "These incidents are expected to continue, resulting in the American public's complete loss of confidence in its government, the ultimate goal of the terrorists' diabolical plan", said the spokesperson.

The FBI could not offer any protective measures, other than never using e-mail, telephones, credit cards, etc.; and never speaking aloud, but rather writing short notes to persons next to you and then burning them immediately.

TerrillApril 19, 2009 5:46 AM

Florida Plane Crash Terrorist Act

Oakland Park, FL – The NTSB announced the crash of the Cessna 421 on 4/17/09 was the handiwork of terrorist.

Hyperthermic nanoids in the fuel of the aircraft were programmed to follow the spark plug electrodes, through the aircraft's wiring and ultimately to the main computer. An embedded computer virus engaged the autopilot, adjusted the attitude into a nose-dive, and locked the controls.

Onboard recorders revealed heroic but futile efforts of the pilot to regain control of the aircraft.

The NTSB and FAA have issued a joint Directive warning commercial pilots of the possible danger. They request pilots email them at mayday@ntsb.gov at the first sign of problems.

The TSA refused to comment, stating it is currently investigating whether the accident was actually caused by unknown substances in either a bottle of Ice Mountain water or gel shoe inserts smuggled through checkpoints by the pilot.

GeorApril 19, 2009 6:27 AM

Cell Phone Company Outed As Terrorist Cell...Phone Company.

Over the past week,the streets have been littered with near-comatose individuals, hands stuck to their ears, their mouths repeating the phrase "The number you have dialed is no longer a working number."

It has been revealed that Dashnetcom, one of the countries biggest cellphone providers, has been responsible for loosing a coded, phone-based virus that has the ability to erase and waylay human subjects. Spokesman for the head office, Jerry "Dash" Dingleman, reported that the affected individuals would be returned to normal after the payment of a 1 Billion dollar ransom, and the governments of the world naming Dashnetcom as the world's sole cellular provider.

It is advised that if you own a Dashnetcom phone, to smash it with a hammer, car, or other cell phone, then call police...if you're able.

Rick from San AntonioApril 19, 2009 12:25 PM

Lo A White Horse
September 2011
Little note was made as three intrepid equestrians rode from the Great Wall on April 19, 2009, crowned with Olympic bows. The riders highlighted the 2012 Olympics as they journeyed cross-continent to London. None were aware of the terrorist intentions of the People’s Republic Secret Police, the Goujia Anquan Bu.
Unexplained disease fatalities in Mongolia in 2009 were not connected to the horsemen until epidemiological studies revealed that the larvae of the Allghoi khorkhoi, the Mongolian Death Worm, were transmitted by Mongolian horses. The outbreaks of Death Worms in former satellite states of the Soviet Union have now killed six million. Western Europe is also ravaged by the spread of the Death Worm, including London, which is now seriously infested. According to a spokesman for the U.N. World Health Organization, this epidemic is, “The most terrifying biological terrorist act ever deployed against Western civilization.”

micisicApril 19, 2009 2:26 PM

Atlanta (Reuters) - The CDC today announced the discovery of a virulent new strain of derangement syndrome called ODS. "ODS behavior is easily recognized by erratic ranting, baseless accusations and deep-seated paranoia regarding an elected official at the highest level of the federal government," said a CDC spokesperson who spoke on condition of anonymity. At first, the CDC believed that only radio talk show hosts suffered from ODS but recent events have demonstrated that the syndrome can affect anyone with a public forum such as a governor and a history of mental illness. When asked why he would speak only on condition of anonymity, the spokesperson said, "I would go on record but then I might have to apologize publicly to one of the victims of this syndrome; that would be odious."

GabeApril 20, 2009 2:26 AM

DHS reported today that terrorists infiltrated the US border security and brought over 8 nuclear bombs and equally spread them around the country where there would be the least amount of casualties if set off, their plan was to set them all off. Which would have created an electromagnetic field over the whole country and that would have resulted in frying every computer hard drive and piece of magnetic storage in the country. It would have also take down all communications systems throughout the country and resulted in mass havoc.

RadioGaGaApril 20, 2009 7:02 AM

WASHINGTON, D.C. - May 2010
The US Government closed all borders to the US after yesterday European Union Health Secretary confirmed that the smallpox epidemic that started last month in Germany was caused by Ahmed S., an alleged Al-Qaida member.
He infected himself with smallpox viruses stolen from a bio lab in Lahore, Pakistan. After that he traveled all major European cities (Berlin, London, Copenhagen, Paris, Rome, Hamburg) and thus started the smallpox epidemic. Death toll in Europe is just over five millions, the U.S. and Canada together roughly 650,000.

AlbatrossApril 20, 2009 10:09 AM

Madonna’s Terror Dance Wreaks Vengeance on Horses

Florida (CNN) – In retaliation for being thrown from a horse last week, terrorist diva Madonna and her brutal backup dancers have lashed out at the equine-American community. Homeland Security officials fear the deaths of nearly two dozen thoroughbred horses at a Wellington polo club may re-ignite the longstanding feud between horses and celebrities that has simmered since the death of Christopher Reeve in 2004. Accompanied by backup henchmen known by the codenames “Cloud,” “Hypnosis,” and “Norman,” security cameras caught pop-terrorist Madonna performing her classic “Vogue” within plain view of the stables. Veterinarians theorize that the horses spontaneously died, rather than endure the spectacle. Asked if the sectarian equine-celebrity conflict, which began with the 521 B.C. death of King Cambyses II, and includes victims Catherine the Great and Genghis Kahn, will likely end anytime soon, an anonymous source in the equine-American community said, “Neigh.”

HarryStonerApril 20, 2009 5:11 PM

China Behind US Economic Destabilization

Chinese nationalists are believed to be responsible for a multi-faceted attack to destabilize the US economy. Sources say the sub-prime mortgage fiasco was initiated by the Chinese in 2004 as they ingratiated themselves into US financial firms, influencing actuarial risk profiles so as to allow higher-risk mortgages to be made available, thus leading to the financial collapse seen in 2008.

The second aspect of the plan, reportedly involves flooding the US economy with counterfeit money. This is analogous to the Nazi plan of World War 2 to destabilize the British and US currencies by mass injection of counterfeit British pounds and US dollars into their respective economies.

The Chinese have fostered a top-secret counterfeiting lab located in the Xinjiang autonomous region since early 1990s. The lab, staffed with Uighur slave labor supervised by native Han Chinese, has apparently been perfecting US currency for some time.

donCarlosOneApril 20, 2009 10:26 PM

The Northeast Blackout Attack

Recent evidence points to al-Quaeda as being responsible for causing the Northeast Blackout of 2003. Evidence collected by the FBI shows that a member of the group successfully hacked into a server belonging to FirstEnergy, and discovered email messages between managers of the company describing a “perfect storm”. These messages identified poor transmission line conditions and the potential for critical software failure that could result in a transmission reversal that would cascade across neighboring power grids causing them all go off line. The unprotected messages included detailed documents highlighting the problem for engineers so that a solution could be devised, however those same documents provided al-Quaeda a blueprint for its attack, which was timed for maximum efficiency and launched on a hot day when power demand was greatest due to air conditioner usage, with shutdowns cascading across every connected power grid in the US and Canada.

Jose Luis EscalanteApril 21, 2009 2:50 PM

Found an oil-eating virus

After reviewing the verdict from many scientists around the world, they have found what it seems the first alive entity capable of not only surviving the harsh oil environment but feeding from it, causing its massive reproduction and consuming the valuable resource. This seems to be affecting all oil reserves around the world leading to an imminent crashing of the world economy in a matter of weeks. This virus seems to come from inside the earth and no one knows yet how to stop it.
After a while you can blame a poor terrorist in Afganistan that is sitting alone with his family, eating beans but still, you blame it, execute him… and then look for a bicycle since there is no gasoline left to drive your car. By the way, now the bicycle industry rules the market.

KulpritApril 21, 2009 6:05 PM

B.Madoff has been receiving funds for 30 years from strategically placed terror cells in certain industries. Cells in the finance industry in European banks allowed funds to be invested in the Ponzi scheme. The idea behind the crime was to unleash another hit when the economy went through its cyclical nature and in a down turn. The plot was uncovered early in this recession via a leak to the SEC when a message via an online trading account was sent from the main cell in the Middle East. The NSA reported that a known account for trading activity for terrorism was activated late 2008. The stock purchase symbols were DES, TROY, USAT. Once the coded message was received the leak from a media placed cell was set in motion. The $50 billion of investments are being utilized for training the next wave of technology based infrastructure terror cells..

Eric NormanApril 21, 2009 9:03 PM

April 15, 2009. Many American citizens show up for Tea Parties. These parties were announced as being reminiscent of the Boston Tea Party and their announced purpose was to protest higher taxes and government spending. At many pleces, boxes of tea were thrown into rivers.

What was unknown at the time was that the terrorists had really thrown boxes of the bacteria neurothrax into rivers. This bacteria is especially virulent and lethal. The downstream supply of fish and water from many of these rallies is now unusable and will remain so for many years.

Mark WApril 22, 2009 7:06 AM

Sub-prime loans financed by terrorist bank

A Egyptian bank official is being questioned in Cairo in connection with funds used to finance sub-prime mortgages in the United States. The illegal movements of capital have been traced back to a middle-eastern bank with previous proven terrorist links.

The money was offered to a number of US banks as a specific type of sub-prime investment vehicle and it’s understood that they used it to finance US house-buyers as early as 2004. US banks in receipt of funds from these investment vehicles are currently assisting in the enquiry to establish the scale of loans made, early indications are that it could be several hundred million dollars.

The funds available would have been in the vanguard of the new wave of sub-prime mortgage funding in the middle of this decade.

Officials involved in the enquiries both in the US and Egypt declined to comment.

MattApril 22, 2009 10:45 AM

In the Early morning hours HAZMAT teams responded to a North Hollywood neighborhood to investigate a strange mist that caused residents of that area to drop dead on the spot. Molecular analysis showed that an aggressive engineered form of the Ebola virus was mixed in with Pesticides. At this time authorities believe that HAMAS hijacked a mosquito spray truck and loaded it mixed in the Ebola virus into the pesticide payload. The truck drove around per usual and delivered the deadly virus. There are related attacks in Houston, Miami and other large metropolitan areas.

The Governor and President of asking anyone with symptoms to report to County Hospital for treatment.

MarkApril 22, 2009 6:02 PM

Officials have uncovered a sinister new terrorist technique to smuggle bombs aboard airplanes and into other secure locations. Plastic surgery is apparently used to implant plastic explosives under the skin of suicide bombers. The detonating device for the explosives can be disguised to appear as any kind of electronic device, from an ipod to an implanted pacemaker.

When contacted for comment, Derric Gantry, a spokesman for Department of Homeland Security, said that they were aware of the new threat and his department had implemented a new strip-search policy in that would include manipulating any large protruding "fatty appearing" lumps on suspected terrorists to determine if they were plastic explosives. "Our department is enthusiastically pursuing every possible threat to the American public", he said. Several women have already filed sexual harassment lawsuits in response to the new search policy.

enigmaApril 23, 2009 5:35 AM

When Spy-Cams become Die-Cams.

In an ironic turnaround, the UKs vast network of spy cameras has been used to co-ordinate an attack on CamCon, the video surveillance conference, which Home Office officials were attending.

Eyewitnesses who escaped the blast said 'The met police poster assured us a bomb wouldn’t go off here if we reported anyone studying the CCTV cameras. It's as if it they were just running a propoganda campaign.'

A Metropolitan Police spokesman stated that although they had received numerous phone calls in response to their poster advert, the only people reported taking an interest in the CCTV cameras were tourists shocked at the unprecedented level of public surveillance.

Meanwhile, a security flaw in the monitoring network allowed Al-Obscura to gain remote access to every camera in the area, permitting them to evaluate security around the event and successfully co-ordinate the attack.

enigmaApril 23, 2009 12:59 PM

Devastation of recent earthquake believed to be the work of terrorist organization.

New intelligence has found evidence that supplies used to construct buildings in the earthquake zone had been tampered with. Analysis of the debris has revealed the presence of highly unstable Rydberg molecules in the concrete. These molecules are believed to have destabilized the buildings and caused them to collapse when the tremors started.

Covert intelligence suggests this was just a test, and the terrorists are near to completing a Rydberg Bomb, which they plan to use at the 2012 Olympics. The bomb, previously believed to be only a theoretic possibility, requires temperatures close to absolute zero. The Government has therefore frozen all supplies of liquid nitrogen and stated it will introduce mandatory ID cards to prevent the raw materials fallilng into the hands of terrorists and ensuring the safety of the public at the 2012 games.


Byron AhrensApril 24, 2009 9:38 AM

Recent news reports hackers access electrical and infrastructure grid - here's why.

Wipe out US Electrical grid for 60 days

Use Web and Google Maps to identify the 512 K volt lines from regional grid
Target regional lines SOCO to TVA SOCO to SETH, SOCO to SEHA, SEHA and SETH to DUK, DUK to CPLE, etc
(approx six - eight major junctions in US)
ID the 10 AC DC connection points on grid

Use cyber attack in conjunction with the physical attack on power line towers
Cyber attack disables Electrical control switches and encrypts the software device making it inaccessible with false positive readings delivered
Cyber attack disables Water control switches and encrypts the software device making it inaccessible with false positive readings delivered

Physical attack on targeted 512K lines to detroy with explosive the lines (most with no security all over the US) as identified causing blackouts and system overloads.

Reaction - fear and chaos in US




Byron AhrensApril 24, 2009 12:19 PM

NEWSWIRE FORMAT:

United States is in The Dark

Urgent, just in: A unconfirmed statement from a group called CHAOS is claiming responsibility
for attacks with more to follow.

Initial Reports are just coming in that massive blackouts are occuring all over the US.
All major cities appear to be in the dark. Power Companies insist
that systems are genrally fine and are investigating some outages but police departments
are scrambling as riots, fires have broken out in some cities. Complicating efforts, there
is no water to available in the same cities as water main breaks are also being reported
all over major cities as well. Speculation is that terrorists have used cyber attacks
to disable electrical
control switches in conjunction with the physical attack on major power line towers. An unidentified source says it looks like all of the water and
electrical controls are unaccessible and look like giberish.


Ellen WilliamsApril 26, 2009 9:05 PM

Pandemic Flu Bio-Weapon

Atlanta (Reuters) - The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention today revealed that the genome of the current flu virus had been sequenced. The details were classified by the Obama administration when they revealed the flu to be a mixture of swine, avian, human, and unknown elements. Exclusive excerpts of the CIA led investigations reveal that Al-Qaeda operatives utilized biological weapons technology acquired by Saddam Hussein to engineer the flu as a bio-weapon. To bypass the increased scrutiny placed on Muslim visitors by DHS, Al-Qaeda deployed their bio-weapon instead by infecting Mexicans involved in the US drug trade. "Our inability to interdict drug smugglers was exploited to carry out this cowardly attack." said an official with knowledge of the investigation. In a tape delivered to Al-Jazeera, a voice claiming to be Osama bin Laden apologized to the hundreds of Mexicans killed in the attack.

CavemanApril 27, 2009 1:04 PM

Swine Flu conclusively linked to Al Qaida (Washington D.C) Officials at Homeland Security Headquaters announced a plot in the making for several years involving Arab terrorists disguised as illegal Mexican aliens. These "sleeper" agents sought out menial jobs in the food service industry focusing primarily on school cafeterias. Once in place, they would wait for delivery of some food contaminant. Due to recent attacks in Pakistan, Al Qaida leadership grew tired of waiting for a viable strain of Avain Flu and settled for the very effective N1H1 "swine" flu.

TMRCApril 28, 2009 1:56 PM

Have you tweeted today?

It all started innocently enough a few years ago. A new social networking service to keep people on the go, connected. Twitter by definition, is -- 'to make high-pitched sounds'. Well my friends, that is most likely going to be exactly what you do when you find out what the real deal is. My name is Muldoon Raker, and I have uncovered a sinister plot to collect data on millions of people from all over the world, and on a certain date in 2011, your walls will come tumbling down. It's not just what you tweet about over the network, but everything from financial records, health records, to what you had for dinner last Thursday. Everyone in the world with an internet connection, will soon know all your dark little secrets

Are you stricken with terror yet? I know I am. So go ahead, tweet away.

CouldOughtaApril 28, 2009 5:03 PM

Foxy News Network: Think the Octo-mom started her brood for love of children? Perhaps. But another frightening possibility is that forwarding-thinking terrorists have foreseen the coming of DNA-based identification methods, and are developing the technology to produce recruits in genetically-matched batches. A suspected terrorist might be allowed to board a plane in Lincoln, Nebraska after his clone "proved" that he was actually in distant Rio de Janeiro. If still suspected, another clone in Gdansk might divert attention from the miscreant long enough to let him board the plane with a pair of thumbtacks and a razor-edged Discover card. Still not convinced? Consider: what one-humped mammal was just cloned in the Middle East? No one credits the explanation about "racing camels." It's now just a matter of combining the technologies and recruiting sympathetic host multi-moms to produce "Osamas bin Lotta" by the score.

ThePossumApril 29, 2009 2:49 PM

A leaked memo from the Department of Homeland Security has revealed that Al Qaeda is the mastermind behind the Somali pirate attacks on the shipping lanes. According to the anonymous source, their intent is to disrupt the trade routes and thereby create major havoc in the Western financial markets as prices climb.

The memo goes on to tell how Al Qaeda has been the mastermind behind multiple botnet worms, such as Conficker. Security experts have long known that these botnets are being used to spread spam to random internet users. But now revealed is the fact that hidden inside these spams, using a technique called steganography, there are covert instructions to terrorist operatives, including the Somali pirates.

Since computers can be infected with such a trojan without showing any noticeable signs, the DHS recommends that all computers be completely reformatted before reinstalling the operating system from scratch.

fjfApril 29, 2009 8:40 PM

Terrorists to use asteroid to attack US

According to many scientists a planetoid known as 99942 Apophis will
approach Earth up to about 20000 miles in the year 2029. Notably,
about 20000 miles is exactly the height of so-called geostationary
satellites, so the asteroid could easily be used to destroy US
weather, communications, and military intelligence satellites and
render the US defenseless, experts say.

It is widely believed that within tewnty years Al Qaeda might run
out of abandoned Russian satellites, so their use of asteroids seems
a natural next step, terrorism experts suggest. Resarchers warn that
terrorists could make use of a "gravitational keyhole", a recently
discovered space-time abnormality, to alter the meteorite's course.

An unnamed NASA source said, "we have no means to deal with an
asteroid this size, but we will do everything in our power to deal with
99942 Apophis".

FanaticApril 29, 2009 9:35 PM

NewsLive has learned that authorities recovered bits of fiberglass "consistent with radio controlled model plane electronics," from the engines of USAir Flight 1549, which ditched in the Hudson River in January. They've concluded that the engines may have failed not because of geese, but because of remotely piloted, radio-controlled aircraft masquerading as geese. "For a few hundred dollars, terrorists sitting in caves somewhere can wreak havoc over our largest cities by attacking airliners during the most vulnerable portion of their flight," says a DHS insider. All geese, especially those flying near airports, are now considered suspect. A crash program is underway to equip airliners with miniature air-to-air missiles. Meanwhile, a DHS licensing program will require consumers to submit to fingerprinting, background checks, and a $300 annual fee in order to purchase model airplanes. Balloons, kites, and stomp rockets may be included as the severity of the threat is further characterized.

Emmanuel ColbusApril 30, 2009 3:06 PM

Fire detectors suspected of terrorist arson

London (Reuters)

The fire that destroyed the Fleetwood pier in Lancashire, England on September 9, 2008, could have been a terrorist field exercise, experts said. "Smoke detectors failed to went off. That's incomprehensible, unless they started the fire themselves."

The key issue with sabotaged detectors is that, whenever they catch fire, the building's main defense is already lost.

"Additionnaly, radioactive fires are always hazardous." Ionization smoke detectors contain small amounts of Americium-241, 50 times more radioactive than weapon-grade plutonium. "Even if you're awake, there isn't much you can do but run for your lives."

Fortunately, although they can be sabotaged to destroy individual building,
synchronised nationwide attacks are still "an unproven eventuality".

For now.

Nicholas DoddsApril 30, 2009 10:04 PM

An INTERPOL task force comprised of law enforcement from 23 countries announced today the discovery of a massive child pornography ring operated by Al Qaeda for the purposes of financing terrorism.

Documents released by INTERPOL suggest that Al Qaeda was able to coerce paedophiles into joining the ring by operating commercial child pornography websites. Once a paedophile had unwittingly submitted a credit card number, he was threatened with exposure to local police unless he agreed to help produce more child pornography. The child porn was then resold to finance terrorist operations around the world.

Since most paedophiles used their own children for the production of porn, parents are being advised to discourage their spouse from spending too much alone time with their children or a computer, and to report any suspicious activity to local law-enforcement.

AviDMay 1, 2009 12:45 AM

(Hope I'm not TOO late... managed to trim it down to exactly 150 :) )


Terror on the Highways

In the past several years, traffic jams are on the rise: average commuting times have risen over 45%, leading to an increase in telecommuting. Many workers just take this for granted, and end up spending much more time on the road.
This ends up costing the economy billions, monthly: the average salary, multiplying by the average increase in commuting time – approximately an hour and a half a day –results in several billion dollars a month, in the US alone. In addition, factoring in lost productivity, uncollected taxes, associated corporate costs, additional fuel charges, and overall wear on cars, results in enormous costs to the overall US economy – almost as much as the so-called "War on Terror" costs.
The scary part is, this economic damage is part of the Chinese economic war on the United States, causing many citizens to avoid leaving the house because of traffic…


davefudMay 1, 2009 9:27 AM

THIS IS REAL, PLEASE READ!
IN A POST-9/11 world, is your beer safe from terrorists?
It is at the new Creekside Brewery in San Luis Obispo, Calif., thanks to $15,000 in security measures that the owners say federal authorities ordered before the brewpub could open. In addition to surveillance equipment and alarms, the restaurant encased its brewing equipment inside a tempered-glass box and metal bars.
"They're afraid terrorists are going to poison our beer," co-owner John Moule said.
Moule said that an agent with the U.S. Tobacco, Tax, and Trade Bureau told him that it wasn't enough to simply install locks on the equipment's valves. He said that the agency ordered him to put the tanks behind secured gates to prevent enemies from slipping something into the brewery's tanks.
Are you sure your beer is safe?
http://www.philly.com/dailynews/columnists/joe_sixpack/20090424_Joe_Sixpack__Foamland_Security_s_taxing_war_on_tap_terror.html?nlid=2350357

shalomMay 4, 2009 7:32 AM

Last month, a 6.3 magnitude earthquake hit the city of L'Aquila, Italy .
An investigation conducted by IGNORA (International Global Network Of Risk Analysis) revealed disturbing correlation between the tremor's occurence and off-shore drilling near the city of Dubrovnik, Croatia.
Authorities suspect that Al-Qaeda Muslim activists from Bosnia bribed the Croatian local administration and set up a drilling platform 20 kilometers from the Dubrovnik coast. The islamic terrotists, armed with Gaza Hamas drilling expertise,
proceeded to drill a 320 Kilometer long undersea tunnel from Dubrovnik to
the Italian city of Pescara, and then turned inland with the intention to drill under Rome and undermine the Italian government. Unfortunately the terrorists breached a lava chamber under Aquila, and tripped the earthquake.
Anonymous Italian government sources reveal that the drilling equipment was previously used in the Channel Tunnel excavations.
An investigation is underway to discover how the equipment ended in Al-Qaeda hands.

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