Third Annual Movie-Plot Threat Contest

I can’t believe I let April 1 come and go without posting the rules to the Third Annual Movie-Plot Threat Contest. Well, better late than never.

For this contest, the goal is to create fear. Not just any fear, but a fear that you can alleviate through the sale of your new product idea. There are lots of risks out there, some of them serious, some of them so unlikely that we shouldn’t worry about them, and some of them completely made up. And there are lots of products out there that provide security against those risks.

Your job is to invent one. First, find a risk or create one. It can be a terrorism risk, a criminal risk, a natural-disaster risk, a common household risk—whatever. The weirder the better. Then, create a product that everyone simply has to buy to protect him- or herself from that risk. And finally, write a catalog ad for that product.

Here’s an example, pulled from page 25 of the Late Spring 2008 Skymall catalog I’m reading on my airplane right now:

A Turtle is Safe in Water, A Child is Not!

Even with the most vigilant supervision a child can disappear in seconds and not be missed until it’s too late. Our new wireless pool safety alarm system is a must for pool owners and parents of young children. The Turtle Wristband locks on the child’s wrist (a special key is required to remove it) and instantly detects immersion in water and sounds a shrill alarm at the Base Station located in the house or within 100 feet of the pool, spa, or backyard pond. Keep extra wristbands on hand for guests or to protect the family dog.

Entries are limited to 150 words—the example above had 97 words—because fear doesn’t require a whole lot of explaining. Tell us why we should be afraid, and why we should buy your product.

Entries will be judged on creativity, originality, persuasiveness, and plausibility. It’s okay if the product you invent doesn’t actually exist, but this isn’t a science fiction contest.

Portable salmonella detectors for salad bars. Acoustical devices that estimate tiger proximity based on roar strength. GPS-enabled wallets for use when you’ve been pickpocketed. Wrist cuffs that emit fake DNA to fool DNA detectors. The Quantum Sleeper. Fear offers endless business opportunities. Good luck.

Entries due by May 1.

The First Movie-Plot Threat Contest rules and winner. The Second Movie-Plot Threat Contest rules, semifinalists, and winner.

EDITED TO ADD (4/7): Submit your entry in the comments.

EDITED TO ADD (4/8): You people are frighteningly creative.

Tags: , , , , ,

Posted on April 7, 2008 at 3:50 PM • 336 Comments

Comments

derf • April 7, 2008 5:12 PM

Playgrounds, homes, shopping malls, automobiles, (and basically any location on Earth) are serious hazards for any child. There are sharp corners to bump heads, gravel and concrete to skin knees, rocks to trip over, other yard apes to push them down or hit them, and numerous other physical hazards that are just waiting to injure your snowflake and possibly inject biological hazards through torn skin. Your child needs the new Nerf Suit! This cushioned, climate controlled suit of soft, microbial resistant Nerf, the same material used in such products as Nerf Darts and Nerf balls, is 100% guaranteed to nerf the world and make it safe for your treasured rug rats to move about the planet with intact skin and bones. An external layer of Kevlar prevents bullets, knives, or other sharp objects from penetrating the suit to injure your child. Don’t let your child be unsafe! Order Today!

alan • April 7, 2008 5:17 PM

My favorite Sky Mall product they no longer sell. It was an orange plastic hood with a little breathing cylinder on it. You were supposed to wear it in case of fire to prevent smoke inhalation. All I could think of viewing it was “shrink wrap”.

Rionn Fears Malechem • April 7, 2008 5:27 PM

I’ll tell you right now I’m reserving movie rights.

The Waves Are Coming. Rise Above Them.

Global Climate Change is even now melting the terrestrial ice in Greenland and Antartica. Every so often… whoosh! Melted ice will fall into the ocean, raising sea level a tiny bit and creating global tidal waves!
Be prepared with the EscapeZorb. This convenient inflatable sphere will surround a child or adult of any size with safety and comfort, and is inexpensive enough to buy one for the car, one for the house, and one for the office! Tsunamis can arrive at any time in coastal areas. Whether or not you pop up safely like a cork is up to you!

Khoth • April 7, 2008 5:44 PM

Could your neighbour be a criminal?

More than 1% of Americans are in prison. When they are released, they blend into communities just like yours, and keep their pasts a secret. Is it really safe to let your children play at your neighbour’s house? Is it safe to let your neighbour know when you’re on holiday?

We have the answer! Using data from the Department of Justice and hundreds of databases such as social security, electoral registration lists and credit reports, we can track convicts from their release, and know where they are, wherever in the country they live. We make this information to you on a subscription basis, updated daily and available online as an easy-to-read digital map, showing the locations of all ex-convicts in your area. Now you can have peace of mind, knowing who in your neighbourhood to trust and who to avoid.

Phillip Gawlowski • April 7, 2008 5:46 PM

It gives rise to wonderful blossoms. But it will burn out your eye!

Famous buildings are already suffering from China’s industry. Rain that is so acidic, that it gnaws on granite! It can burn out you eyes in a few seconds, if you get a drop of that acidic rain in your eyes! Do want to go blind? If not, buy our ARID goggles. The Acid Rain Invisible Deflector goggles we keep you and your children safe and healthy.

Don’t pay health insurance, buy ARID goggles!

Art • April 7, 2008 5:57 PM

Don’t be an Identity Theft Victim!
Modern passports come equipped with radio frequency identification tags that can be used by identity thieves to steal YOUR identity. The US Government says that these tags can only be read using special devices BUT HACKERS HAVE PROVED OTHERWISE. Ingenious hackers are using specially built remote sensing devices that can read YOUR PASSPORT IDENTITY from up to 30 FEET AWAY!
The Happy Traveler broadcasts fake identity information THAT YOU CAN MAKE UP YOURSELF! The Happy Traveler sends out your fake identity with more power than your passport so identity thieves can’t read the real information!
Can also be used to protect yourself from prying eyes of private detectives trying to follow you by sensing your passport. BIG BROTHER IS HERE NOW so protect yourself from all the latest RFID fraud.
Only $29.99! Also include an additional 4.99 for shipping and handling.

alan • April 7, 2008 6:13 PM

Bugs are everywhere! Do you know where they go when you are sleep? Where they lay their eggs? Where they feed?

It has been reported in some magazines and TV programs that bugs enter the ears and mouth of people who are sleeping almost every day. Bugs are always looking for a dark place to lay their eggs and nurture their young. Are you safe from their gnawing mandibles? The ear or sinus cavity are a perfect place for a voracious bug to lay their eggs. For $49.95 you can buy “Bug Shield”. Blocks out flesh eating insects while you sleep.

partdavid • April 7, 2008 6:13 PM

(Comment, not threat) Drowning in swimming pools is actually not a movie-plot threat, it’s actually pretty high up on the frequency chart for a cause of death in young children. You may thing this countermeasure is silly but I’m not sure the threat is a good example.

JP • April 7, 2008 6:21 PM

“The Economy sucks, but you can diversify your assets by buying gold. Yes, starting at $1,000 USD you can have real, physical gold shipped right to your house…”

Sad to say, I’m not making that one up. I’m paraphrasing a real radio ad that I hear at least once a day on KYW 1060 in Philly. 🙁

mare • April 7, 2008 6:32 PM

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Cubegeek • April 7, 2008 6:32 PM

A recent study at the University of Wisconsin shows that 75% of minor children with iPods listen to inappropriate music. What’s on your child’s iPod? Think you know? Think again. Teens can easily alter the names of the songs on their iPod. Now thanks to a revolutionary new product, Snoop Poddy Pod, you can know exactly what kinds of messages your child is subjected to. Our Snoop Pod database analyzes the digital signature of thousands of offensive songs, updated daily, and checks to see which of those are synched to your child’s iTunes. Snoop Pod parents are sent a weekly confidential email with the real scoop. Take back control with Snoop Poddy Pod.

R. Serrano • April 7, 2008 6:44 PM

PROTECT your family!, SERVE your country!

Would you LIKE some terrorist bombing your son’s school with YOUR VERY OWN just stolen and filled with EXPLOSIVES car?

Don’t let this happen with CURARE SHOTS! An easy to mount hypodermic syringe hidden beneath the seat of your car prevents burglars, thieves and TERRORISTS to MISUSE your car in ways YOU COULD NEVER IMAGINE by literally stopping them on the seat of your car while a wireless silent alarm* warns the closest police station and a text message is sent to your cell phone**.

PROTECT your family AND SERVE your country well with CURARE SHOTS.

  • Alarm sold separately.
    ** Text message service only available with selected providers.

TuxBeGone • April 7, 2008 7:27 PM

Viral software is everywhere. It strikes without warning and can bring devastation to any enterprise reliant on technology. And let’s face it, that’s just about everyone today, form the biggest multinational to the corner Pizza shop
By it’s very nature this viral software can infiltrate your business without you even knowing it.
Using our patented (and soon to be I$O certified!) technology we can scan your IT systems for GPL code and other viral infestations BEFORE it becomes a problem!
Don’t let your business get sued and end up in the hands of some smelly, commie, pinko hippies!

J.B. Zimmerman • April 7, 2008 7:28 PM

Identity theft doesn’t just target your money!

In today’s dangerous world, government surveillance is meant to deter wrongdoers. However, rather than risk discovery, they can simply commit crimes while ‘wearing’ your identity – digitally! How can you ensure your innocence is protected? Using the ALIBUY(tm) system! Our cryptographically encoded transceivers can be simply inserted underneath your skin in a painless outpatient operation, where they handshake with a Verified Base Station in your home whenever you are there. That way, law enforcement personnel can quickly and easily check on your whereabouts for any past period using our bonded, protected tracking database in the event your identity is suspected! Each set comes with four transponders. As a bonus, qualified parents or guardians can use our web portal to ensure their children return home safely. (Ask about our optional PetGuard transponders as well!)

TuxBeGone • April 7, 2008 7:28 PM

Forgot the tag line:

Act now, because if you don’t think of the children then the terrorists have already won!

Mark James • April 7, 2008 7:43 PM

I’ve always thought toys for newborns fit into this category.

Designed with bright colors and high contrast to stimulate your child’s visual and mental development!

In other words, buy this product or your child will grow up stupid and it will be your fault. Parents are easy targets for this sort of marketing.

2bluewho • April 7, 2008 9:00 PM

Fear: Think of the movie ‘The Enitity’ that can get you through the internet/over the phone lines/etc. Cool.
More pragmatic fear: Think of the USA becoming a third world country essentially run by a dictatoship that runs in into the ground.
One of these Fears is now, the other, well, fiction, but still related to the other one.
That is FEAR.
Yeah go team go!

Mark • April 7, 2008 9:59 PM

In a cave in the mountains of Pakistan a new form of terrorism is being perfected. This terrible weapon has but one purpose, murder all of the children of the United States. What is this new ingenious weapon of terror? Hairspray. According to sources high up in the Pentagon Osama bin Laden is developing a super hairspray designed to release tons of CFC’s/L into the atmosphere to rob us of our most precious children. But there is hope. Mo Berg and Ron Stanly have teamed up to save America’s children. Introducing the Mo-Ron FaceShield ®. The Mo-Ron FaceShield® is a completely enclosed plastic vessel that seals at the base of the neck. This complete isolation creates a protective, impenetrable, bubble of air and ensures that no dangerous CFCs poison your children. After a few short minutes wearing a Mo-Ron FaceShield® your children will no longer have anything to fear.

Scott • April 7, 2008 10:00 PM

The Year: 2015

The Fear: Unauthorized CLONING. Do you know how many of YOU there are out there? Or what THEY are doing in YOUR name?

The Pitch: Yes, it’s now so commonplace you COULD buy insurance against. But wouldn’t it be better if you could PREVENT UNWANTED CLONING of YOUR DNA in the first place? That’s right. Now you can, with our new SecureDNA oral recombinant DNA renewal medication. Just take one pill a day, and your entire cellular DNA has one base-pair added randomly to a non-functional sequence, thus expiring your old DNA. Every day, you’re a NEW YOU! Imagine, no more pesky clones biometrically cleaning out your bank account. This alone will save you thousands of Rupees (the international currency in 2015).

The Fine Print: Consult your doctor before taking SecureDNA. Side effects include: mild psychotic reactions….

Without SecureDNA, you could be your own next victim.

Anonymous • April 7, 2008 10:03 PM

High Frequency CPU Shielding

At 2.4 GHz, study after study has shown the potential dangers of wireless networking, especially on the undeveloped brains of children. Yet few studies have been made on the risk of CPU frequencies, which can reach almost 4 GHz. This solid, stainless steel enclosure safely encases your computer to block 99.9999% of harmful electromagnetic radiation.

Jon • April 7, 2008 10:03 PM

Have you been exposed to dihydrogen monoxide (DHMO)? Do you even know the symptoms? Across the USA alone, millions of people consume DHMO before they even start work! Dangerous consumption of DHMO can reduce the body’s pH levels fatality (scientists call this acidosis)! Before you put yourself or your family at risk, purchase our patented DHMO tester, the h2-NO! for your house, your car, and your piece of mind! Made of space-age materials, the h2-NO! can detect DHMO particles down to parts per million. Its sensitivity becomes your protection. Wear the h2-NO! while jogging, walking the dog, or working in the garden. Children love wearing them while at school! Purchase 3 h2-NO! before March 22, 2009, and receive 2 for free! Don’t expose your family to the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide and act now!

Stephan Zielinski • April 7, 2008 10:25 PM

IS YOUR KITCHEN A TERRORIST SUPPLY DEPOT?

God-fearing Americans often underestimate what common household items can do in the wrong hands– and with the spread of the Internet, it’s easier than you think for terrorists, miscegenationist rapists, and child pornographers to find out what’s in YOUR home! Do you want to be awoken at three in the morning by evil incarnate looting YOUR KITCHEN for the things needed to make poisons, pornography, and even BOMBS?

Contact DEATH-CHEMICALS-B-GONE today! Make an appointment for one of our USA Military trained improvised demolitions experts to come audit your home FREE OF CHARGE to identify the TOP TEN THINGS TERRORISTS WANT TO FIND WHERE YOU LIVE. With DEATH-CHEMICALS-B-GONE, you can rest assured that nothing close to you can possibly be used to attack our God-given freedoms!

Call today– before it’s too late!

Tyler Reguly • April 7, 2008 11:11 PM

Your Chair is Trying To Kill You!

The number of white collar jobs is increasing. Secretaries, Accountants, IT Workers and so on… and what are these workers doing? They are sitting at desks in chairs. Menacing… Dangerous… Chairs.

Picture this… You at Your Desk. Your Chair: Wheels – Single Support – Seat.

Suddenly that support breaks and you crash straight down, your jaw is smashed into your desk with amazing force, breaking it and shattering your teeth. Your rear-end impacts with the floor and your spine is jolted as you crash forward, your body’s weight decapitating you against the edge of the desk. With more obese Americans every day, this is a workplace reality.

The “Chair Protector 2000” can save you. This device wedges between the wheels and seat; creating a solid base (picture a lazy-boy on wheels) saving you from the realistic threat of decapitation. Buy it today for only $49.95

EJK4 • April 7, 2008 11:20 PM

Have you ever been the target of robbery or assault? Today’s society is a scary place and people like you need to be assured of your security. Thugs, thieves and other deviants have penetrated every part of our society. Anyone can be a target of crime. Never feel afraid again after purchasing a subscription to you-CCTV.

you-CCTV is your personalized Closed Circuit Television service. With a subscription to you-CCTV one of our trained CCTV operators will follow and videotape your every move. Whether you are at work, at home, or just relaxing on the golf course, you-CCTV will be there right with you… the unflinching eye of the video camera protecting you.

CCTV is a proven deterrent. Criminals will not dare approach you when they see you-CCTV. With packages starting at just $199.00 now you can bring this effective security measure wherever you go.

M Carr • April 7, 2008 11:30 PM

Worried about your toddler choking with a small toy ? Traumatized by a badly applied Heimlich Maneuver ?

Do not worry anymore !

With our patented “No-Choke”, your pharynx will never do wrong ! Our exclusive teflon coating and the silver-coated micropores will guarantee that only clean air go to your lungs !

Installation is easy: Just swallow our nanobot pill (automatically eliminated after 2 mildly disconfortable days), and the expandable, auto-lubricating “No-Choke” will stand guard on your epiglotis !

Yours for only $399.99 ($199.99 extra if you need professional help for the installation) !

Would you trust a stranger in a restaurant to save you from a dangerous chicken bone ? We neither !

aaawww • April 8, 2008 1:52 AM

worried about terrorist with anthraces filled socks to pollute TSA shoes checkpoint? wear the new micro filtering bacteriological secure safesocks(tm). Now with odour control!

Aaron Massey • April 8, 2008 1:56 AM

Many Americans were shocked to hear the results of the research trials regarding heavy metals and toothpaste conducted by the New England Journal of Medicine, which FDA is only now attempting to confirm. This latest scare comes after hundreds of deaths were linked to toothpaste contaminated with diethylene glycol, a potentially dangerous chemical used in antifreeze.

In light of this continuing health risk, Hamilton Health Labs is proud to announce Tommy Tester Toothpaste Strips! Just apply a dab of toothpaste from a fresh tube onto the strip and let it rest for 3 minutes. It’s just that easy! If the strip turns blue, rest assured that your entire tube of toothpaste is safe. However, if the strip turns pink, dispose of the toothpaste immediately and call the FDA health emergency number at 301-443-1240.

Do not let your family become a statistic when the solution is only $2.95!

=============

Editorial note: 150 words on the dot! Do I get bonus points for being able to sell more product every time the TSA confiscates a tube? 🙂

Felix • April 8, 2008 2:09 AM

Fear and anxiety shortens your life, but lack of fear kills you. In this complicated world, it’s hard to know what’s the right amount of anxiety to have. That’s why you need the Terror Watch. Not just an ordinary wrist-watch, it monitors your lifesigns for stress, and plays soothing music when you’ve had enough for the day. What’s more, each Terror Watch uses wireless technology to communicate with other Terror Watches in your vicinity, and uses advanced AI to compare lifesigns to determine if there’s a real threat nearby. Terror Watch Rx (prescription only) can also regulate the supply of medication to your bloodstream. Available in black, silver, and gold.

Clive • April 8, 2008 6:19 AM

A nomination for Belkin for a real product they sold a few years back: a grille you could stick over your mobile phone’s earpiece to cut down on microwave radiation. Never mind the fact that’s not the part of the phone that radiates microwaves, never mind the fact that the phone would adjust its signal strength to compensate for the attenuation anyway, never mind the fact the risk was probably illusory, never mind the attenuation being negligible.

Then again, Belkin’s still one of the companies selling surge protectors for almost everything. If they thought they could get away with surge protectors for surge protectors they would.

Clive • April 8, 2008 6:24 AM

Afraid that bad breath is holding back your career, alienating potential friends and damaging your love life? You gargle mouthwash every morning, but will that last all day? Is that enough? How can you tell?

The solution: our new mobile phone with integrated particulates analyzer. Every time you speak into the microphone you also exhale across a sophisticated sensor array that tests your breath’s aroma for stength and palatability. If your breath is bad it gives a discreet vibrating alert once the call is over.

DanC • April 8, 2008 7:15 AM

I can’t believe the current presidential elections wouldn’t win hands down. If you don’t vote for (insert candidate’s name) it will be the end of civilization as we know it.

Jeremy Duffy • April 8, 2008 7:37 AM

Are you Balding? Gaining weight? Have your kids grown a third eye or ear? Your pets gained the ability to speak?

YOU could be the victim of foreign DNA! Lax regulation has allowed bio-chemical laboratories to spill waste into waterways and rivers, the source of drinking and bottled water. Once ingested, foreign DNA goes to work changing your genetic code and leaving you shorter, more feminine, or waking up one day liking rap music.

Use the “I-B-PUR DNA Contamination Detector” to ensure that your drinking water is clear of harmful laboratory DNA. Don’t let stray DNA change YOU or your loved ones!

FDA approved, certified by the DNA Uber-Purity Exchange (DUPE), available in 79 easy payments of only $19.95! Call NOW!

RJ Johnson • April 8, 2008 7:53 AM

“The price of freedom is constant vigilance,” said Thomas Jefferson. And in our modern era our security is bought via the watchfulness of fear. Whether its the fear of terrorist attacks and child molestation or greenhouse gasses and the collapse of the economy, your fears keep you safe. But a chain is only as strong as its weakest link; is everyone around you doing their part?

Now you can know for certain with the new Alertness Alert!™ This small device remotely monitors the heartbeat of whomever you point it at and gives you a quick digital readout of a subject’s pulse rate within 30 feet (10 metres) of you. 180 beats per minute? They must be hyperventilating about terror attacks… great! 45 bpm? Anyone that calm has likely consigned their soul to Allah and needs to be reported to DHS ASAP!

The Alertness Alert!™: You can rest easy… because no one else is!

Alec Bings • April 8, 2008 8:05 AM

A Death-trap in Every Home!

Your toddler is old enough to climb up and down the stairs, so you’ve taken away the gates that kept him safe. But danger still looms! Imagine your child sticking his head between the banister bars and then losing his footing . . . a quick snap of the neck ends his life!

You need the Bani-Web. Custom-contoured to your staircase, this Kevlar mesh, reinforced with a patented titanium alloy, attaches to the banister supports and prevents innocent young heads from poking through.

Comes in pink, blue, and blindingly bright orange.

BedAlert2008 • April 8, 2008 8:16 AM

DON’T BE A VICTIM

The modern world is an extremely dangerous place. Peril lies around every corner. You’re not safe. We have the ultimate solution. Don’t get out of bed.

Our exclusive research reveals that 99.9% of serious accidents and unlawful deaths occur when the victim is not in bed. Don’t become a statistic. Take positive action now.

The revolutionary BedAlert2008 attaches to your bed and has motion detectors which constantly monitor your position within the bed. If you try to get out of bed, the device emits a powerful 100 dB alarm. In addition, the BedAlert2008 can be programmed to fire tranquiliser darts in an emergency.

The BedAlert2008 is available now for only $599. A small price to pay for total peace of mind. For an extra $49, the BedAlert2008 can be supplied with a stylish alarm clock with tea/coffee making facilities.

cassiel • April 8, 2008 8:20 AM

[Beaten to the line on the CCTV angle by EJK4, but here’s mine anyway]

Recent crime studies show that CCTV cameras only move crime away from
the cameras – and that could be directly towards you!

With our revolutionary CCTV-Me(TM) wearable unit, a head-mounted CCTV
camera monitors the area around you, wherever you are, and forwards
images to our Central Control Unit. You become your own personal crime
prevention area! The headgear is highly visible to deter attackers,
yet stylish enough to suit your outfit. (Available in white, glossy
pink or leopardskin finish.)

The camera can be rotated through 360 degrees using a handheld remote
– or in vulnerable situations, activate the “AutoRadar” continuous
rotation mode for all-round protection.

NB: AutoRadar may cause dizziness in some users.

[Btw, I hope Snoop Poddy Pod wins just because of the name!]

DelicateFlower • April 8, 2008 8:40 AM

My husband and I are expecting our first child in two months. Having spent more time than I would like in baby stores, looking at baby products catalogs and being bombarded with direct mail, I can attest that whatever new products contestants can dream up that are aimed at creating fear in new parents, they probably will not be able to top the ones already on the market.

gdrl • April 8, 2008 9:15 AM

Felix,

Add cellular DHS threat level monitoring and an automatic transdermal adrenaline application feature and you’ve sold me as a customer. I can’t risk waiting for my own body to become anxious in case of an emergency. I’d rather have the adrenaline put into my bloodstream for me based on the anxiety of those around me and how afraid the government is telling me to be. Also, there’d better be an option to disable that soothing music.

Anonymous of Colombia • April 8, 2008 9:34 AM

Scopolamine. You might not have heard of it, but the risk is more than real. Easily obtainable by crooks and immigrants raised in the dark arts of herbal processing, this drug WILL affect you when you least expect it.
Inhaled when blown in your face, absorbed by your skin after touching something as innocent as a piece of paper, even in a handshake you can be another victim of amnesia and mild zombism.
The only way to protect from this hazard that can come for you in any way, is to avoid any human contact forever, or to purchase this wonderful treatment of StopOlamine. Every set includes 31 needles with the exact dose you need to disturb your neurotransmitters enough, building NeuroBlocs™ that stop the harmful effects of scopolamine.
Walk secure through the streets, with StopOlamine® .

False Data • April 8, 2008 9:43 AM

Is That Security Camera Working?

A security camera only makes you safer if it’s turned on! Many cities these days are installing cameras to make people feel safer–but like “placebo buttons” at cross-walks, they might not even turn them on! Make sure you’re safe! Just point the Camera Checker at the camera and press the button. A green light tells you the camera is on and transmitting. Works on both wireless and CCTV cameras. Not for use with personal CCTV systems.

jas • April 8, 2008 9:44 AM

Beware subconscious manipulation! They want to control you!

There are methods of manipulating you that the government and media broadcasters do not want you to find out about!
Messages designed to mentally control your behavior are being embedded in your favorite programs on television, radio, and even your e-mail and the Internet.

Imagine watching TV, a movie, or a seemingly harmless YouTube video and having your mind altered to affect your everyday behavior and reactions!

Protect yourself! Order our “MindProtector” Daily supplement today. This natural, herbal formula has been developed to protect your mind from all modern forms of media manipulation.

Order today and get a free trial of “MindProtector Jr.” our formula safe for children and specially formulated to protect young malleable minds.

[These claims have not been evaluated by the FDA — which is, by the way, a large, manipulative government organization.]

Tim Stevens • April 8, 2008 9:46 AM

Boring Blog Blocker

Those boring blog posts are everywhere. You know: what someone had for breakfast, looking out the window, blah, blah, blah. Well! Now with Boring Blog Blocker, a simple plug-in to your browser, you can avoid these tiresome posts. Boring Blog Blocker filters out boring posts, saving your valuable time, using an advanced dictionary algorithm pre-loaded with phrases such as “ate cereal” and “made coffee”. Get Boring Blog Blocker, now! And, for blog owners, Boring Blog Blocker Pro—detects and deletes boring posts to your blog by inconsiderate others with nothing to say.

Bruce Schneier • April 8, 2008 9:48 AM

The earlier post demonstrates the effectiveness of Boring Blog Blocker. I plan to continue its use here, and thank Tim Stevens for bringing it to my attention.

Tim Stevens • April 8, 2008 9:49 AM

Note that all four Boring Blog Blocker posts sum to exactly 150 words, and none were actually posted by Bruce.

Clay Webster • April 8, 2008 9:58 AM

POLYCRETE GOLD DEFENSE ONE(TM)
Turn Your Home into a Hardened Fortress Against Nuclear, Biological, and Chemical Attack!

Shelter your family from terrorist harm with this easy to use, effective, “military grade”, super-hard protective seal. Just connect the supplied barrel to a standard garden hose and coat your entire home with six inches of yellow foam that hardens to concrete within minutes! Providing you the security you need!

Order today and receive two units of POLYCRETE GOLD DEFENSE ONE so you can have twelve inches of security — double the protection!

VISA, Mastercard, and Diner’s Club welcome. Also available in pink.

I was going to add accessories, like NBC “excursion suits” and air exchange adaptors to AC units but I think it’s much better without them.

Kristine • April 8, 2008 10:01 AM

Being afraid is a must for every patriotic citizen. Are you afraid that you are not afraid enough? Buy our convenient package, FearItself, and this will never happen to you again.

FearItself — when simple fear doesn’t cut it anymore.

Sold everywhere you can buy politicians.

Ronald van den Heetkamp • April 8, 2008 10:35 AM

StampedCrypt(tm) Postal Service.

Did you know that the postal service can read your letters? they know how much you earn, who you are related to, your birthday, SSN and your age! Think that the Internet is a privacy risk? think again! your privacy sits in the bag of the postal service for anyone to take a peek at! Think about terrorists skimming a couple of your letters! That is just the start of all the insecurities. It has been estimated that a staggering 27% of all postal workers or family members -or neighbors- bruteforce envelops and breach the security perimiter of your privacy!

But not for long anymore, because StampedCrypt(tm) has developed a new security service that is a must for anyone who sends an organic letter. StampedCrypt(tm) uses a one-time-pad to encrypt your letters, birthday cards, and tax forms. By making a carbon copy of the letter and ROT13 the carbon copy with a pigeon randomly seeding the copy with birdseed as the key. Hell, we’ll even encrypt it so good that even the IRS can’t decipher it! This new service is available to any privacy aware citizen, for only 19,99$ a month! as an incentive to join within 10 minutes, you will also obtain a free keychain with the picture of your crypto pigeon!

all your worries are over, with StampedCrypt(tm)!

chabuhi • April 8, 2008 10:40 AM

HouseBag – Because Even the Improbable is Likely to Happen … Soon

How many times have you heard this tale? A car careens out of control and onto a residential property, slamming into the corner of the house, and killing everyone inside. While. They. SLEEP!

Don’t let this tragedy befall your loved ones and/or family. Ones of people are impacted by such terroristic events every millenium. And a new millenium started ONLY EIGHT – er – SEVEN YEARS AGO!

HouseBag is the answer. No, not just the answer – THE answer. The answer to all of your out-of-control-car-slamming-into-house needs. The instant an out of control vehicle is detected by our network of wireless and cable-ready sensors a signal is sent to any house within our service range, and a protective, inflatable mylar (for no particular reason) shield inflates around your house, preventing THE INEVITABLE.

One day — could be tomorrow, could be 63,535 years from now — a car WILL possibly collide with your house (again, while you sleep) and kill or seriously startle your family.

Don’t delay, buy HouseBag today. Available for 640 payments of $19.95. ACT NOW!!

(Okay, so I can’t count words.)

I'm From England • April 8, 2008 10:44 AM

PAEDO-SAFE
Would you know if organised gangs of paedophiles were targeting YOUR child, right now? Members of Internet Paedophile Rings choose their unsuspecting victims by sharing photos of innocent children in public places. In the park, they lurk to photograph the moment in which her skirt is caught by the wind… or his smiling face matches their own perverted desires. They swap their photo trophies in private – then, they return… their favoured victim is abducted… or worse…

PAEDO-SAFE wristbands detect camera activity (flash/infra-red focus light) and sound an audible alarm. Make sure sick prowlers aren’t snooping round your family! Extra option: High-powered flash will ruin any photograph taken and safeguard their innocence!

aikimark • April 8, 2008 11:03 AM

Bully Protection
Is your child is bullied at school? How would you know if they didn’t tell you and you didn’t see any physical signs? If left unchecked, bullying can result in:
* suicide
* murderous rampage (ala Columbine)
* inability to establish ‘healthy’ relationships later in life.

Fighting, even if in self defense, results in suspension/expulsion.

We have a solution: Watch’em & Protect’em.

It is a system of surveillance cameras, strategically placed where your child can be monitored (school, bus, playground, etc.). Your child wears a small transmitter that allows our cameras to follow them. For young children, we recommend sub-dermal implants.

We have a crack legal team to force school districts to comply and sue the bully’s family and charge the bully with assault.

Should the bully’s family lack assets, we call our persuasion team members who are former Special Forces soldiers. The bully and parent(s) WILL capitulate.

aikimark • April 8, 2008 11:29 AM

EM Pulse protection

What if you lost ALL your digital and analog data and all your electronic devices in one event. Furthermore, your car and phones have died. You are lost and cut-off from the rest of the world. How could this happen? EM Pulses.

You are exposed to the threat of lightning strikes, catastrophic transformer failures, atmospheric atomic blasts, terrorist attacks, industrial sabotage.

Solutions

1: A Faraday cage for your office, including isolated power for your computer equipment. This solution also provides you protection from industrial spying.

2: Metallic mesh wall/ceiling/floor/window treatment. This creates a Faraday cage for your entire person space.

3: Faraday cage for your automobile’s vulnerable electronics. This is a popular option for armored vehicles.

  1. Off-site backups are usually converted into non-vulnerable media. Non-converted media are stored in EM-protected enclosures (extra cost option).

phil • April 8, 2008 12:42 PM

THINK… WHAT IF YOU LOST YOUR TV’S REMOTE CONTROL?

You won’t be able to keep up to date with the latest terror alerts. And what if a terrorist attack announcement was being shown, but you couldn’t unmute the volume? YOUR FAMILY COULD DIE!!!

UNLESS… you had a TrueReliance(TM) System. Should you lose your TV’s remote, simply find your TrueReliance(TM) Remote Control and calmly press the simple red button, marked “Panic”. Using your home’s wireless network and broadband connection, our team of elite RemoteSaviours will be notified of your problem. They will come to your house and help you look for your lost remote. They’ll even bring a set of spare batteries. So you need never miss a terror alert broadcast again.

NB: RemoteSaviours will not visit homes in event of real civil emergency, or outside weekday mornings. RemoteSaviours will not help customers find lost TrueReliance(TM) Remote Controls.

Madman • April 8, 2008 12:44 PM

RAPE HURTS.

Even as a law-abiding citizen, you can end up in jail faster than you can say “Ouch”. A single wrong word at the TSA checkpoint, an envious neighbor reporting you as a terrorist, or a false positive on one of 57 government databases, and you could find yourself in a cell with 3 strong, 250 lbs heavy violent inmates that have not seen a woman in the last 6 months and want to rape you. Would you really want spend the whole night being raped, just because you were too greedy to invest just $99 and get the new ButtBlade? ButtBlade is implanted by our trained surgeon and will provide anyone who wants to rape you with a very unpleasant and deterring experience. ButtBlade – Saves your ass.

Andrew Garland • April 8, 2008 1:23 PM

Flu, Pneumonia, SARS, Encephalitis, Ebola

The next outbreak is waiting for you at your local restaurant or shopping mall. Not in the food, but in the bathroom. You are careful to wash your hands, but how do you leave without contaminating your hands, and then yourself? The handle of the washroom is the dirtiest item in the room, and you are going to grasp it.

ProTectUWipes are large, sturdy, dry tissues with an approved anti-virus and anti-microbial agent that protects you in this vulnerable situation. Take one out to dry your hands, turn off the water, and exit the room, safe from the “last 10 feet” of contamination.

ProTectUWipes are fresh smelling and bio-degradable. They are ideal toilet seat protectors, and are flushable. You will be calm to know that you are protected, and that the anti-viral agent that remains on the handle also reduces the risk for others.

GLK • April 8, 2008 1:24 PM

DEATH is your worst enemy. Not to mention a huge downer for your family and friends. Now through this exciting TV offer you can escape the clutches of death for eterninty with the Home Liquid Nitrogen Storage Capsule! Just wait until you’re on death’s doorstep, step inside the capsule then pull the orange lever and be gently frozen for however long it takes until they find a cure! The patented dethawing system will gently wake you up to your favorite song! This amazing device can be yours for only 75 payments of $999.99! You’ll never have to worry about death again! Act now and you can receive the optional window and vital signs monitor, a $10,000.00 value, for 1/2 price. Isn’t it time you stopped burdening your loved ones with your impending doom? Call our toll free number now and make death a thing of the past! Credit cards accepted.

Wer2 • April 8, 2008 2:17 PM

Biometric Removal Kit

A new crime wave of mutilation is sweeping the nation! As people move to biometrics for personal identification, criminals are removing fingers and whole hands to steal your identity. The Biometric Removal Kit (TM) uses a patented painless laser process so easy you can do it in the comfort of your home. By removing your fingerprints you could be saving your family’s lives and protecting your identity all with one easy purchase. Don’t become another statistic, protect your identity today!

Geoffrey • April 8, 2008 2:47 PM

Public restrooms are havens for criminals, out to mug you and worse! But now you can relax, with JohnStar! At the first sign of trouble, just hit the JohnStar panic button. While a JohnStar rapid response site team races to your location, a representative will talk you through basic self-defense maneuvers. You’ll never be caught with your pants down again! But wait, there’s more! Ever discover too late that the stall your in is out of toilet paper? Just press the “TP” button and a JohnStar representative will rush to your location with a roll of premium toilet paper (JohnStar Secure and Clean plan required).

JohnStar – What are you waiting for?

brian t • April 8, 2008 4:35 PM

You’ve got the licks… but are you safe? When a guitar string breaks, the razor-sharp end can travel through the air at over a hundred miles an hour! If it hits you in the eyes… well, you’ll have something to sing the Blues about, and you can even put “Blind” in front of your name, for instant Blues cred!

Eric Clapton had no choice but to risk his eyesight with every bluesy bend, but you don’t have to, so install a BendGuard™ today! Attaches to the headstock with no screws, in minutes. Available by mail order, or keep an eye out (!) for the BendGuard™ in all good music stores.

Felix • April 8, 2008 4:59 PM

Picture this: You’re sitting at the dinner table, eating a juicy t-bone steak. Before you can remove the fork from your mouth, a friend or family member stumbles and falls behind you, knocking your head forward onto the table, driving the fork tines into the soft tissues of your mouth, causing injury, disfigurement, maybe even death.

Why let this happen to you? Using the latest nano-age technology Break-Fast Forks detect when they’re moving fast enough to cause injury, and dissolve instantly into a harmless liquid. Available in grape, orange, and strawberry-kiwi flavor.

Albatross • April 8, 2008 6:18 PM

Drink to Your Success!

You’re successful, and it shows, from your confident stride to your well-cut Italian suit. But success breeds resentment and envy in little people – the same little people you count on to serve you! How can YOU be sure that your Tom Collins or Gin Rickey hasn’t been spat in… or worse?

Now you CAN be sure – with the DNA Adulteratometer, you can instantly assess whether your servers have added spit, hair, mucus, urine, feces or any other bodily fluids to your beverage: quickly, easily, and surreptitiously. Space-age technology has yielded a fingertip sensor that wirelessly signals your Bluetooth-equipped telephone or PDA device. One buzz and you know, there’s more than grapefruit juice in that greyhound!

The DNA Adulteratometer detects microscopic fragments of human DNA present in any bodily secretion, and instantly alerts you to their presence in your drink. So you can return that adulterated beverage immediately… preferably in the server’s face!

Don’t let your success be sullied by fear of polluted potables – get YOUR DNA Adulteratometer today!

(The DNA Adulteratometer is for use with beverages only. For solid foods, the Remote RNA Reader can distinguish between human, cattle, and rat particles in your hamburger, and even tell you whether the dog’s been on the couch again! Order now!)

Laramie Sasseville • April 8, 2008 6:41 PM

Do You Trust Gasoline Imported from Terrorist Countries!?

Chemical additives can make the gas that runs your car emit fumes that are a slow-acting POISON that threatens you, your family, and fellow citizens with death and serious illness! Our very affordable tester kits can verify the purity of the gasoline that you add to your tank. Act now!

Bram Dolcourt • April 8, 2008 7:21 PM

An Associated Press study found hundreds of medicines in so called “treated” municipal water supplies. Dangerous heart drugs, mind altering psychiatric medications, body changing sex hormones and even superbug creating antibiotics may be freely flowing out of your tap, into the bodies of you and your children. Bottled water isn’t safe since most is treated the same as “cleaned” city water.

How can you protect yourself? Introducing “The WATER WIZ!” Utilizing quadrapole spectroscopy, the same technology NASA sent on the Mars rovers, this portable, brief case sized wonder tests your water for any known chemical or drug. You can test water anywhere you go, home, camping, work or restaurants, and know if harmful drugs could be contaminating what you drink.

Combined with our “FRACTU-CLEAN” water purifier (sold separately), you can be assured your water is clear of medical waste and impurity free for your family.

Joan K • April 8, 2008 8:41 PM

Do you know about the beast lurking in your home? When you least expect it the beast will strike destroying your flesh and injuring your children. There will be blood everywhere and horrible pain. Your wounds will infect and you will be horribly ill. You may die.

How to avoid this terrible fate? Buy kitten mittens, the sturdy cat claw covering, guaranteed to stay on your cat’s paws for 3 weeks at a time.

You need never fear your cat’s claws again.

(Ether included to facilitate the application process)

You know Who • April 8, 2008 8:56 PM

Is someone infringing your copyright?
Your intellectual property is yours alone, and you should be compensated for your efforts. Buy our powerful Content Sweeper (TM), and we’ll scour the internet to make sure nobody uses your emails, letters, or blog posts without permission!
Yours for a monthly fee of 99 cents.
Or buy Content Sweeper Deluxe (TM), and in addition to the basic version, we’ll guarantee that your spoken words and phrases aren’t reused without permission. Only 3.99 a month!

Now works with iPhone!

wackyvorlon • April 8, 2008 10:18 PM

I wonder, what about mercury? It eats aluminum with surprising rapidity. 50ml of mercury dumped in the right spot could do a lot of damage to an airplane.

Scott • April 8, 2008 11:15 PM

“It could never happen to me,” you said. But then you clicked on that YouTube video of Human Tetris, and now you’ll never walk again.

Every year, more and more Americans are killed or paralysed for life while rolling on the floor with laughter.

ROFL-er (TM), from L33t-Tel is the answer.

By monitoring your browsing habits and comparing them against our central database, ROFL-er quickly translates any actual emotion you may experience on-line into an acronym or ‘smiley’ representing your state of mind.

Wouldn’t you rather LMAO than be subjected to painful cosmetic surgery and embarrasment caused by the Andy Samberg’s latest musical tribute to Dolph Lundgren?

Or why not upgrade to ROLF-er Pro (TM) from only $15.95 p/m, and preempt any embarassing LOL at work by being automatically redirected to yet another list of reasons you might be a redneck?

ROFL-er (TM) – It’s B-)

Shaun • April 9, 2008 12:16 AM

Do you like to play the lottery? Looking for big winnings? Think that will solve all your problems?

Did you know that studies have shown that people who win jackpots invariably face emotional problems like fear, loneliness and depression, and in almost all cases are bankrupt within the year?

If you win unexpectedly, become depressed and unable to take care of your loved ones…well, don’t let that happen to you! For the small monthly rate of only $19.99 and a one time fee in case of winnings, our financial planning offering will sequester your money so you don’t have to worry about it. You’ll never even see it working to protect your sense of stability and continuity.

We gaurantee your lifestyle can continue as it is now, uninterrupted by sudden financial windfall. Act today to kiss your financial fear goodbye!

McSploit • April 9, 2008 3:49 AM

—– TERRORISTS ALREADY CONTROL YOUR MIND —–
Our research* has recently uncovered a global terrorist plot of
immense proportions. The target? You and everyone you
know. Powerful subliminal messages aimed to ‘ruin your life’
have been found in almost all random samples of music tested
to date. We are not, by law, able to disclose the contents of
these subliminal messages to the public until DHS and others
have closed their investigations. Some known sources of the
subliminal messages have been P2P software manipulating
and inserting messages during file transfer. Due to the
sophistication of the plot – it is not possible to clean existing
music files nor remove the evil messages. Purging your music
library is the only safe recommendation. Never listen to an
unsigned MP3. Only buy your music – from trusted sources.

*research sponsored by the RIAA

Felix • April 9, 2008 3:54 AM

Werewolves don’t exist, of course. But what about tomorrow? Scientists are creating human-animal hybrids today. They say it’s safe. What if they’re wrong? What if they create a monster? What if that monster gets loose? What if it’s outside your door right now? Are you ready?

How can you be ready? Do you think silver bullets will work? What about wooden stakes? Maybe you need a chainsaw. Liquid nitrogen. A flame thrower. Exploding chickens. The list goes on and on.

Where do you put it all? There’s no more room under your bed. Your basement? Your garage? What if you’re attacked in the shower?

That’s why you need Future Chakra. A potent blend of modern western science and ancient eastern wisdom, this book and video will teach you how to unlock latent powers of your mind, so you can sense danger hours in advance, even weeks in advance. [insert testimonials]

Mick Ashby • April 9, 2008 4:31 AM

INFLATABLE KEVLAR BODY BAG: Looks like a business suit, but inflates in microseconds, to protect against terrorist bombs, bullets, and plane crashes!

Shaun Dewberry • April 9, 2008 6:56 AM

Everyday thousands of people travelling by air around the country are being incorrectly identified as possible threats by the TSA.

Imagine the humiliation of being pulled out of line by security, in front of your colleagues or loved ones, and asked to go through a personal search and interrogation. Embarrassing and painful.

Research shows that TSA officers identify these “threatening individuals” by the symptoms of nervousness, fidgeting, fumbling or excessive sweating when asked to remove one’s shoes at the security checkpoint. Have you ever fumbled with your shoes at security?

Modern Technology now has a solution for you – the FastLace. It looks and feels just like a regular shoelace, but this is no ordinary shoelace. Advanced Crystal Structure Nanofibres within the shoelace give it an incredibly smooth low-friction action, making it fastest shoelace to tie or untie. At the same time Advanced Crystal Structure Nanohooks help the shoelace keep tight when you need to get those shoes on in a hurry.

No more fumbling with those tricky knotted laces! No more excessive delays at airport security! No extra embarrassing background checks! With the FastLace you can look as innocent as the next guy, but feel safe and confident knowing your shoes won’t make you look guilty.

Limited time offer $29.95 Call now.

Schneier Fan • April 9, 2008 7:00 AM

Is your neighbor a terrorist or criminal? Find out now!

Utilizing your camera phone with our software and services, you
can stop a terrorist or criminal act before it happens!
Here’s how: you take a series of still photos or
a short movie of any person you suspect of ill
intent. Our software for smart phones encrypts those images using
a propriety super secure 256 megabyte beyond military grade encryption
key, and sends the images to our remote offshore supercomputer,
which then employs the latest research into micro-body language and
behavioral analysis to determine the hidden intent of the suspect.
It then e-mails you a special color-coded alphanumeric alert, so
that if the suspect sees the alert, they will not
understand it. Can be used on strangers, illegal immigrants, next-door
neighbors, their children and pets, co-workers, new acquaintances, odd family
members, and your daughter’s latest boyfriend. Be safe, not sorry!

Paul Harrison • April 9, 2008 7:22 AM

Our Lord made us free. We can choose to love Him, and be rewarded by his love in return. Or we can choose to reject him and face eternity without his love, forever burning with regret.

Those who love our Lord will seek to spread his Word. Those who love our Lord will band together to make war against false prophets who preach falsehood.

The Lord gives us our life, and we can use it as we will. The wise use their life well, and grow prosperous. The foolish hoard what the Lord gave them, never making anything of themselves. When they stand before the Lord, He will be angry.

But there are those who would take from the wise, and give to the foolish, punishing those who do good, rewarding those who do bad, straying both from the righteous path.

These people would deny you your freedom. Vote Republican.

Laramie Sasseville • April 9, 2008 9:35 AM

YOU ARE GOING TO DIE!
Research shows that only a small percentage of humans live past their 90th birthday, and 100% have died after 150 years. YOU are going to die – unless scientists can discover antidotes to the aging process. But who knows how long that might take? And what if something happens to you in the meantime? We’ve got the answer: The Home Cryo-Kit can preserve your body until such a time as science can cure you and can prevent further aging. Comes in five designer colors. At these low prices you can get one for your car, your home and your office! Don’t be caught without one!

Laramie Sasseville • April 9, 2008 9:36 AM

YOU ARE YOUR OWN WORST ENEMY!
Statistically, you are more likely to die by suicide than by murder. Are you plagued by irrational fears? Depression? Obsessive behavior: smoking, drinking, gambling, over-eating, blogging? Science has the answer! Get your Inner-Shrink implant today! Programmed with the Insta-Counseling system, Mini-Shrink can instantly calm your fears, alleviate your depression and integrate dissociated impulses and drives to assure that you are always acting in your own best interests! Call for an appointment today.

eh • April 9, 2008 9:45 AM

You are what you eat!

Every day millions of people ingest growth hormones, pesticides and all manner of chemicals unintentionally! The meat you eat comes from an animal that was fed growth hormones. The vegetables you eat were sprayed with pesticides and other noxious chemicals. Chemicals are the things terrorists use in order to attack the free world and up until now you’ve been forced to ingest these hormones and chemicals just to survive. But no more! Now you can buy all your food from Organic World. Be rest assured that everything you’re eating is certified organic*, does not support terrorists, and is chemical free! How much would you expect to pay for this peace of mind? 4x, 5x, 6x normal costs? Well not anymore, at Organic World you pay only 3x the normal cost of hormone and chemical laden products for pure natural delicious organic foods!

*by “certified” we mean we’re telling you it’s organic, and by organic we mean however we feel like defining it today.

jepler • April 9, 2008 9:50 AM

Ideas are like infectious diseases
Spread with words instead of sneezes
. Keep yourself safe from the memes
. With our new topical creams
Which double as spreadable cheeses

Nick • April 9, 2008 10:04 AM

Improvised explosive devices are the terrorists’ weapon of choice to turn a quiet country road or a safe city street into hell’s highway. Camouflaged beneath litter or disguised in potholes, these deadly bombs can be hidden anywhere. Our troops overseas are protected from IEDs by armored vehicles, but how long will it be before the threat of IEDs follows them home? Your family car isn’t built to withstand a bomb, so how can you protect yourself from an unexpected blast from below?

The SafeRIED family of armored floor mats and seat covers are a great way to put a layer of security between your passengers and the road. Made of bulletproof kevlar, SafeRIED products protect from explosions, shrapnel, and even sharp pieces of twisted metal. Comes in black, beige, and woodland camo. Also ask about our anti-sniper sun visors.

Baron Dave Romm • April 9, 2008 10:29 AM

(adapted from “Star Trek: The Baby Boom Generation”. A Shockwave Radio Theater Production written by David E Romm. Minicon 23, 1988)

Do you ever feel that your life should be this?

(SFX: KA-CHING! POLYNESIAN MUSIC, ORGASMIC GROAN)

Instead of this?

(SFX: TRAFFIC, BABY CRYING, BOSS YELLING)

Of course you do.

Maybe your REAL life was changed when someone… went back in time to change theirs. Now, be prepared. When someone comes back to the future, show proof of your deflected life with a Time Change Detection Kit! Yes, our patented Temporal Phlogiston Formula keeps track of the homeostasis of time, and when there’s a bypass in the aorta of eternity a message will be text directly to your cell.

Don’t let people mess with your life, whether they alter the outcome of the Civil War or they just move some whales. Get the Time Change Detection Kit, at your local Pharmacy right next to the Dimension Change Detection Kit and the Personality Change Detection Kit.

Nick • April 9, 2008 10:50 AM

Cell phones let your child call for help when they feel threatened by a bully, kidnapper, or sexual predator, but only an Electro-Cute plush animal friend gives them a chance to disable their attacker and make an escape. Your child will love the adorable characters, Tessy Tesla the turtle and Teddy Edison the bear, and you’ll love the 50,000 volts of neuromuscular disruption these little guys can deliver to an attacker. Your child will laugh along with the animated instructional video on the included DVD as they learn how a pull on the tail turns the Electro-Cute animals from huggable buddies to fierce friends. In danger mode, the Electro-Cute animals’ eyes glow red, their electrified claws extend, a loud recorded message tells attackers to “Go away! You’re not my friend!” and anyone trying to grab your child or the Electro-Cute animal is sure to get a shocking surprise.

Happily Single • April 9, 2008 11:43 AM

Fact: Happily married men live four years longer than their unhappy or unmarried counterparts and report less loneliness in their old age.

Don’t let your obituary read of your “untimely death” from loneliness! Find a Ukrainian bride who will make you happy today on our convenient, professional website, http://www.ukrainianbridesforlongerlives.com

Testimonial: I was in the depths of despair being married to a beautiful Russian bride who was starting to have her own career when my friend approached me and directed me to your site. I went from wanting to off myself to getting a Ukrainian bride that sacrificed her career in house-cleaning to save my soul. She nagged me like there was no tomorrow and made me feed her bonbons by hand every evening. It was just the treatment I needed to stop wallowing in self-pity. Now my doctor reports my moods are stable and forecasts a long life for me. I’m the happiest man alive and have clean toilets besides, thanks to what she has taught me.*

Trade-ins of existing wives can be negotiated with our agents.

*results not typical

Nomen Publicus • April 9, 2008 12:27 PM

You’ve heard of FUTURE SHOCK, but are you protected against it?

Do you remember the last household device you really understood? Of course not. TVs, Radios, TIVO, PCs, WiFi, CAT5, do you REALLY understand how any of these work? If I told you that your PC worked because of the invisible pixies inside the case, could you prove me wrong? If there are pixies in the PC, what might there be in your TIVO?

With FUTURE-SHOCK-OFF(tm), a revolutionary new product from Reclaimed Medical Waste Inc, you can avoid the effects of FUTURE SHOCK (headaches, paranoia,
back pain, sore eyes, confusion and many others.)

Take two FUTURE-SHOCK-OFF(tm) tablets a day and you will be totally protected from FUTURE SHOCK. With FUTURE-SHOCK-OFF(tm) all your worries
about technology disappear.

(FUTURE-SHOCK-OFF(tm) may cause drowsiness, blindness, leg pain,
hallucinations and/or death. Do not exceed recommended dose. Do not operate
heavy machinery.)

vedaal • April 9, 2008 12:44 PM

Global Warming and the Ozone Layer Portals

As Global Warming progressively increases and causes further opening in the Ozone layer, the Earth’s natural shielding is weakening dramatically! The Ozone Shield integrity will soon fall to the level where Alien transporter beams will be able to lock on to, and teleport, any individual and beam him/her/(or unspecified gendered individual) OFF the Planet and kidnapped without warning into a Live Alien TV Talk Show or worse!

Protect yourself NOW with the Personal BeamLock Shield (Tm) !

The BeamLock Shield is a tiny hardware accessory that can interface with your Cellphone, PDA, or Laptop and access the wireless cellular signal or wireless bandwith and transform it into a Shield that will effectively block all known Alien Teleporter devices.
The BeamLock Shield generates a field of 2 cubic meters and sustains it for as long as the host device is powered.

The BeamLock Shield has been extensively tested in Roswell, Peru, Stonehenge, The Bermuda Triangle, and many other locations susceptible to Alien Teleport Activity, and to date, NOT ONE of our field staff has been beamed away,(although a few reported slower log ons while in the Bermuda triangle).

The BeamLock Shield is designed to interface with ALL proprietary cellphones, laptops and PDA’s, while not interfering with their primary activities.

Each BeamLock Shielding device uses its own random quantum frequency and will not interfere with other BeamLock Shielding units in close or even contiguous proximity.

Extended Battery Pack (sold separately) is highly recommended.

Don’t be caught with your Shields Down!

Act Now and receive a (pi – cubed) 31% discount! (by mail in Rebate)

The BeamLock Shield (patents pending)
is manufactured and marketed directly by SAMPP Inc. Ltd. s.a.

SAMPP is the acronym for
Schneier’s Annual Movie Plot Productions
(not affiliated with Bruce Schneier or Counterpane)

Get your Shields Up Now !

vedaal • April 9, 2008 1:02 PM

(sorry, didn’t see the 150 word cap ;-((

here is my emended entry ):

As Global Warming progressively increases and causes further opening in the Ozone layer, the Earth’s natural shielding is weakening dramatically! The Ozone Shield integrity will soon fall to the level where Alien transporter beams will be able to lock on to, and teleport, any individual and beam him/her/(or unspecified gendered individual) OFF the Planet and kidnapped without warning into a Live Alien TV Talk Show or worse!

Protect yourself NOW with the Personal BeamLock Shield (Tm) !

The BeamLock Shield is a tiny hardware accessory that can interface with your Cellphone, PDA, or Laptop and access the wireless cellular signal or wireless bandwith and transform it into a Shield that will effectively block all known Alien Teleporter devices.

The BeamLock Shield generates a field of 2 cubic meters and sustains it for as long as the host device is powered.

Extended Battery Pack (sold separately) is highly recommended.

Jamie Khan (or was it?) • April 9, 2008 1:16 PM

Identity Mangler –

Criminals are harvesting information about you right now!
Identity Mangler is an intelligent software program that creates randomly generated information about you and posts it on the internet. When your name correlates to 58,000 SSN’s and 230,000 bank account numbers and 34,000 addresses it makes identity theft impractical.
Other applications of this product are stalker avoidance, government profiling diversion, and collection agency averting. You can also use it for plausible deniability for unpopular comments you may have made since randomly generated comments that populate the internet will be attributed to you. You can just say “I didn’t write that, Identity Mangler did!”

SH • April 9, 2008 2:39 PM

When you’re at the pharmacy you could forget an existing medication, allowing a pharmacist to fill a fatal prescription.

When your child is grievously maimed, a medical bracelet or RFID implant could be lost and an EMT won’t know their allergies or complications.

When you trust online medical record storage, you’re putting private details within reach of dangerous hackers.

But when you trust LifeEncode’s InnuFuse DNA Encoding, every cell of your body holds the key to peace of mind. InnuFuse replaces wasted “junk” DNA with encoded InnuFuse DNA, allowing your medical professional to retrieve:

Complete Medical / Prescription History
Family Medical History
Insurance Information
Payment and Billing Details

Best of all, InnuFuse DNA does not replace your important DNA! In the event of catastrophic terrorist attack, a single cell and human cloning will recreate you AND your InnuFuse records!

InnuFuse today, rest assured tomorrow.

Sheena • April 9, 2008 2:53 PM

In countless cases of carjackings, the victim has been stuffed into the trunk of her own car, unable to call for help and subject to the whims of her cruel assailants.

The best thing you can do for yourself and your loved ones is to get Jack Hero(tm), a high tech two-step alarm system that can be installed easily in the trunk of your car. Should you find yourself locked in the trunk, merely push a small button to alert others by:

  1. Sending out an emergency signal that is picked up by nearby police cars or emergency vehicles.
  2. Causing the turn signal lights to blink S.O.S. in morse code and the license plate to read “MAN IN TRNK”.

Jack Hero(tm) recharges while your car is running, so there are no batteries to replace. Unlike cheap knock-offs, Jack Hero(tm) has NO SOUND ALARM that could alert the assailants.

Revised for limit

crispy • April 9, 2008 5:11 PM

P-Screen: Because one candirú attack can make all your other problems seem small

The P-Screen helps protect you from candirú attack. (Go ahead, look it up: http://www.straightdope.com/columns/000519.html ) If you know what candirú can do, you’d do ANYTHING to prevent an attack. The P-Screen keeps you safe from attack for the low, low price of $29.95. Buy one for each member of your family! Hurry before it’s too late!!!

FP • April 9, 2008 7:26 PM

Too many innocent children have died in tragic school shootings. Some schools have begun to install metal detectors, but they are not enough to stop a determined murderer.

Many killers acquire and train using firearms, or start experimenting with explosives, weeks or months before they strike.

This is why your children’s school should install SniffEx. Installed near the entrance, SniffEx samples the air ten times a second for high explosive residue. So sensitive that it can detect the discharge of a firearm or the use of explosive up to three days after the fact, SniffEx gives enough early warning to remove offenders long before they act.

Have your school install SniffEx today. Because Your Child Deserves To Live.

Radicalized children may even strike with unconventional weapons. Be safe from the threats of tomorrow by also installing SniffBio, SniffChem and SniffRad, our solutions for detecting deadly biological, chemical and radiological agents.

Gweihir • April 9, 2008 7:41 PM

Indoctination by Computer Virus: An evil genius develops a virus that encrypts all your data and only lets you access it if you perform [instert insane religious ritual here] several times a day, slowly brainwashing you. With advanced pervasive surverilance technology it has compromised, it follows your every move. Any atempt to ask for help results in permanet loss of all your data, i.e. all you have that is valuable! It resides on your PDA for those few places left without CCTVs. It follows you into bed on your watch. And, after a while, you have to start recruiting others to the cause! This slowly spreads and just before the terrorist/marketeer/politician that has come up with this clever sheme is about to get world domination, [insert hero of choice] swoops in and saves the day, but just barely!

FP • April 9, 2008 7:44 PM

Every year, thousands of terrorist acts do not occur on airplanes, but right at home, when unsuspecting families are murdered at gunpoint. Just last year, in the Italian city of Palermo, two invited guests opened fire and killed a wedding party of 42 before getting away.

The TSA keeps our airplanes safe. Is it not time that you took the same precautions? Your family deserves it.

That is why we are introducing SecurAtHome. We’ve got you covered with our personal pat-down metal detector wand, our front-door X-Ray scanner (can be discreetly installed in the doorframe) and our terahertz backscatter detector for your driveway.

The liberal media keeps misreporting “homicides,” but if striking within your own four walls is not a terrorist act, then what is?

Are you willing to gamble your family’s life on the new immigrant neighbors that your son has invited over for a barbecue?

False Data • April 9, 2008 9:10 PM

Keep your Loved Ones in the Good Part of Town

Everyone knows there are certain parts of town where it’s not safe to go. But what do you–or your loved ones–do in a strange city? And what if what “everyone knows” about your own city is out of date or just plain wrong?

Safe-T-Nav keeps you safe. It combines sensitive GPS technology with sophisticated analysis of crime statistics to give you easy-to-read levels of violent and property crime rates wherever you happen to be . . . and advance warnings to keep you out of “red zone” areas. Simulations prove that following Safe-T-Nav’s recommendations will significantly reduce your chance of being a crime victim. Price includes map updates for one full year.

Nobloo • April 9, 2008 9:19 PM

Flesh-eating bacteria on shopping carts!
Machine-guns smuggled into preschools!
Terrorist cable-TV installers!

Blood pressure too high? Anxiety keeping you awake? Stress hormones attacking your innards?

All because of a CONTEST! And not just any contest, but security guru Bruce Schneier’s annual MOVIE-PLOT THREAT contest!

Can’t increase your Prozac? Don’t want to stop reading blogs?

Fight back with SecurityPro’s secret weapon: duct tape.

Spotted Bruce at a security conference or a Thai restaurant? Use a long strip to tape his hands behind his back. Now he can’t type. But he can still talk, so tape his mouth shut, too.

Don’t attend security conferences? You can still use it to hide parts of your computer screen. Or the whole screen. Or tape your own eyes and ears shut. The less you hear and see, the less afraid you’ll be.

Buy it now, at a SecurityPro store near you.

RC • April 9, 2008 9:27 PM

I think I’d buy some of those products… the Safe-T-Nav sounds pretty good… and the duct tape, definitely the duct tape.

nerdboy • April 9, 2008 9:46 PM

In case of terrorist strike or natural disaster, Americans are advised to store emergency supplies such as canned food, radio equipment, medicine and emergency shelter by agencies such as FEMA and local Civil Defence organisations. Our product, MIRACLEVAULT, is a large container containing food, firearms and ammunition, first-aid items, flares and other essentials come the apocalypse. MIRACLEVAULT also doubles as an emergency shelter and is guaranteed to keep you safe. MIRACLEVAULT; taking the hassle out of survivale preparedness, becuase it’s your patriotic duty to be ready.

Valentine • April 10, 2008 2:01 AM

Is YOUR eyesight in danger?

You don’t have to be a top European soccer player or the pilot of an Australian passenger jet to face daily peril at the hands of terrorists wielding high powered laser pointers.

You may not know it, but these deadly weapons are still legally available to buy online for just a few dollars.

Every time you go out or even look through a window, a terrorist with a laser pointer could be targeting YOU from as far as five miles away. And you wouldn’t know until it was too late, because laser radiation moves at the speed of light.

Are you willing to put your retinas at risk from searing laser radiation?

We didn’t think so. Well, now you don’t have to.

Constructed from unique materials and using patented technology, our Laser-Eraser eyewear range provides guaranteed shielding against laser radiation. Available in children’s sizes too.

Mouse • April 10, 2008 4:26 AM

HappyTV set-top-box

  • Violence/Terrorism/Sex obfuscated on your TV!
  • Bad language muted!

HappyTV is a DVB receiver that connects to your normal receiver and HappyTV Real-time monitoring service using your internet connection. You will see all channels 10 min delayed. During that time, our staff monitors all channels and inserts moderating elements to the broadcast (black boxes/mute sound). Register your children’s names and ages to the HappyTV, and it will automatically show personalized “NAME not allowed to watch this” messages. LCD clock display shows 10 min delayed time.

Subscription only $49/month!(If you allow additional commercials)

Tom M. • April 10, 2008 6:46 AM

Are you worried that in an emergency you won’t know where the Fire Exit is? Then you need an ExitFinder!

Using the latest technologies, our new bluetooth headset, combined with a GPS enabled camera phone, will help you find that Emergency Exit when your life depends on it.

All you have to do is turn on the camera, then rotate 360 degrees after you enter a new room. The ExitFinder will recognize and remember the locations of all the Emergency Exits. In case of emergency, while others panic, your ExitFinder will guide you straight* to the Emergency Exit and safety.

  • Note: an expected future (third quarter 2014) upgrade will allow the ExitFinder to guide you around furniture rather than over or through it.

Rich G • April 10, 2008 9:09 AM

Scared of being blown up by a terrorist bomber on your next flight? Save yourself with CarryOnBomb™! Never before have there been two bombs on any single flight, so bring your own and guarantee your safety in the comfort of mathematical certainty.

CarryOnBomb™ is an actual explosive incendiary device approved by the TSA, tested to vaporize the inside of an airplane cabin when detonated via an easily accessible button beneath the handle. While you would of course never actually detonate it, having the bomb essentially guarantees your family’s safety! How often is a single bank robbed twice in the same day? How often are there two natural disasters simultaneously striking the same city? Ever seen two solar eclipses in an 8-hour period? No, no, no. Having CarryOnBomb™ provides you the comfort of statistical security for only $599.99 plus $2.99 s/h. Choose from red, blue, or slate gray. Kid friendly. Safe.

Mordred • April 10, 2008 9:37 AM

Actually pools cause 100 times more child deaths than gun accidents in America (source: Freakonomics)

FP • April 10, 2008 9:57 AM

@False Data:

Nice idea, your Safe-T-Nav. Reminded me of Spike Feresten’s DiscrimiNav.

Allow me to add an entry on Spike’s behalf:

You’re a smart driver. But what about steering clear of those neighborhoods that make you feel — well — uncomfortable? Now it’s easy. With DiscrimiNav, the world’s first fully racist GPS navigation system.

You can personalize DiscrimiNav to direct you away from whichever neighborhoods you want. DiscrimiNav has three different settings: subtly racist, regular racist, and then there’s Mel Gibson.

Plus, DiscrimiNav’s optional PrejuDisplay uses easy to understand icons.

DiscrimiNav. Now available with updated software, so you can avoid Belgians, Hawaiians, and Inuits.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=xixIb5qJOPQ

Albatross • April 10, 2008 11:08 AM

From: http://www.schneier.com/blog/archives/2008/04/third_annual_mo.html#c261005
“Research shows that TSA officers identify these “threatening individuals” by the symptoms of nervousness, fidgeting, fumbling or excessive sweating when asked to remove one’s shoes at the security checkpoint. Have you ever fumbled with your shoes at security?

Modern Technology now has a solution for you – the FastLace. It looks and feels just like a regular shoelace, but this is no ordinary shoelace. Advanced Crystal Structure Nanofibres within the shoelace give it an incredibly smooth low-friction action, making it fastest shoelace to tie or untie. At the same time Advanced Crystal Structure Nanohooks help the shoelace keep tight when you need to get those shoes on in a hurry.”

Your job is to take down the aircraft… but airport security is tighter than ever. The cola for your Coke-and-Pop-Rocks bomb has already been confisticated, and some pickpocket lifted your sharpened credit card knife.

Fortunately, your shoes were tied with FastLace. Advanced Crystal Structure Nanofibres within the shoelace give it an incredibly smooth low-friction action, making it fastest shoelace to remove once in flight. And Advanced Crystal Structure Nanohooks help the shoelace keep tight when you need to garrote the cabin crew in a hurry.

With FastLace, you’ll be ready to terrorize and take over a jet at a moment’s notice, guaranteeing you a heroic entrance into the afterlife, and and eternity of torture for your defeated foes.

FastLace: because your enemy’s security measures hang by a thread.

False Data • April 10, 2008 11:23 AM

How Safe is That Flight?

Just how safe is that flight you’re about to get on? Now you can find out with FlyRep.com. Text or e-mail the flight number and instantly receive a safety report about the flight route, airports, and type of aircraft. Send the airplane’s tail number and get detailed information about that exact airplane, compiled from FAA databases! FlyRep.com warns you about airworthiness issues, safety inspection problems, runway incursion rates, and will even give you “on time arrival” statistics. Only pennies a message, or sign up for our frequent flyer’s subscription service.

Harry • April 10, 2008 11:30 AM

I would gleefully pay $35 for the HAPPY TRAVELER. Can I be John Pointdexter? With a side of Identity Mangler, please.

Alec Bings can’t win, that product has been on the market for years. Or maybe that confirms his insight.

Gotta love JohnStar.

And McSploit.

And RichG is a genius.

False Data • April 10, 2008 11:38 AM

@FP: Thanks. If something like Safe-T-Nav doesn’t exist out there, then some entrepreneur just isn’t being creative enough.

nick brown • April 10, 2008 3:14 PM

Are you sleeping well at night, confident that you won’t wake up with HIV?

You shouldn’t be! Blood-sucking creatures known as bedbugs are growing in number across the country! Scientists are studying the creatures to determine whether they can transmit AIDS, Hepatitis, and other killer diseases!

These terrible creatures were once suppressed by pesticides, but the new generation is immune to the common poisons! How can you stay safe? With the new Hamalot bedbug security system! This revolutionary device consists of a hamster surrounded by a moat of glue. Before you lie down in a bed, simply place Hamalot under the bedframe. Bedbugs will be drawn to the hamster, and will be stuck in the moat of glue instead of sticking their fangs in to you!

Remember: It is not yet known whether terrorists are using bedbugs to spread deadly diseases, so never lie in a bed or sit in a chair without your Hamalot bedbug security system!

Nick Lancaster • April 10, 2008 8:01 PM

Are you concerned about school shootings? Drunk drivers? Child abductions?

FEAR NOT! Introducing the Ultimate Defender Protective Vest! Featuring a kevlar lining complete with trauma plate (decorative stickers provided so your child can personalize their security gear), the vest comes in high-visibility day-glo yellow or safety orange. A police whistle is attached to the zipper pull.

But the real value comes from adapting rapid-inflate life jackets to urban situations! Our patented ScanSafe™ technology picks up the low-frequency signals of EZ Pass and tire-pressure sensors, inflating impact-reducing ‘airbags’ in the vest and hood, protecting your child from vehicular impact.

That same technology is used to protect your child from abduction. An additional, high-pressure cartridge (refills available online) can be triggered to expand the vest and make your child impossible to grab!

Don’t wait for tragedy to strike – protect your child now, with the Ultimate Defender Protective Vest!

Bob • April 10, 2008 9:21 PM

One of the “movie plot” threats I’ve thought of has turned out to be real, and I now feel both sad and angry.

I was ruminating about the “SeroSniffer”, which uses NMR from a distance to test nearby people for low levels of serotonin, indicating they might unexpectedly “go postal”, with suitable ha-has about the goofy supermarket bag boy.

Sonoma County, California, has a public mental health unit that only treats the “worst of the worst”: people who have repeatedly been committed to mental institutions, and who have no other viable treatment avenues. However, I recently found out that they’ve been ordered to cut their service roll by 300 people. When that takes effect, about one in 1600 county residents will be a severely mentally ill person who has just been deliberately denied treatment by the government and can’t get other help.

So I now think the whole topic of encountering mentally ill people is not funny at all.

Bob Murphy • April 10, 2008 9:56 PM

Mea culpa. I was wrong to say those 300 mentally ill people in Sonoma County “have no other viable treatment avenues” or “can’t get other help”.

According to press reports, the 300 people are being referred to “private, community-based treatment centers”, such as non-profit medical clinics.

Woodwose • April 10, 2008 10:53 PM

Bedbug Invasion! Only Saf-T-Zap self-microwaving luggage keeps you safe from this disease riddled vermin!

Every year thousands of travelers to foreign countries return with bed bugs in their clothes and luggage. Once at your home they multiply through your house or apartment building sucking blood and spreading disease to your children and loved ones!
Avoid having to call in ineffective exterminators time and time again!
Avoid lawsuits from neighboring apartment owners who identify you as “ … the source of the infestation.”
Eliminate these vermin from your suitcases with with our self-microwaving all titanium luggage that bathes the interior and contents with 10 minutes of low level microwave from a self contained magnetron each and every time the latch is closed. Safe and effective. Available in all common luggage formats – overnight case to steamer trunk.

NOTE: Interchangeable proprietary power source available as separate purchase at point of purchase.

borked • April 11, 2008 12:27 AM

For germ conscious Americans The Handler is the next best thing to wearing surgical gloves in public bathrooms, airports and when you are traveling. It’s a keychain sized mechanical device that allows you to open doors, pull levers, operate the paper towel dispenser and push ATM keypads without having to actually touch those things with your bare hands — avoiding direct contact with germ infested public surfaces. This totally new product is infused with bacteria and virus killing nano-silvers that kill germs on contact, so it is always disinfecting itself. Perfect for the millions of germaphobes who burn through reams of paper towels in order to avoid contact with door handles, the retractable armature never touches you, your clothes or purse and proceeds to kill almost any and all germs after you use it. International travelers will definitely appreciate this totally new approach to reducing their risk to the host country’s bacteria and cold and flu viruses.

Unfortunately this is real:

http://www.handlerusa.com/home.php

Mike Calder • April 11, 2008 6:26 AM

Your own DNA is your worst enemy.

Criminals will want to steal it, to cover their crimes by incriminating you, or to steal everything you own via the ultimate identity theft.

It will soon be the only trusted identity test – signatures, fingerprints, retina scans, everything else can be spoofed.

A single dead skin cell can be used by criminals or terrorists to copy your DNA. They can then use that to steal everything you own, or leave your DNA at the scene of crime.

The only defence is to ensure that every trace you leave behind has its DNA scrambled or “denatured”.

dNature Skin Crème, Hair Gel, and Nail Gloss scramble the DNA in your skin cells, body hair, finger-, and toe-nails.

Make sure that everything else is covered by using dNature Toilet Blocks so that none of your DNA leaks out of your home.

yasth • April 11, 2008 6:38 AM

While the government is accurate and just in the war on terror, no one is perfect. Protect against accidental identification as a terrorist with our patented BigShot service. Upon notification of your disappearance or your failure to respond, we will leak to our contacts that you are a big shot in the terrorist world, guaranteeing you the finest treatment. With Premier service we will even setup prearranged false plots that you can reveal to win over your captors.

Bigshot! You aren’t getting out anyways, so why not get a little respect?

brian rutherford • April 11, 2008 7:14 AM

Enjoy your trip?
Everyday when you or your child walks anywhere there are sharp edges on the ground WAITING TO TRIP YOU UP OR KILL YOU. Kerbs, corners, rubbish bins, traffic lights…the list goes on an on. Don’t be caught out by these insidious threats. Just because they can’t move doesn’t mean they can’t KILL YOU. For an introductory offer of $5000 p.m we will supply a threat analysis scout who will go on ahead of you and your loved ones checking for these terrible threats and guiding you through them. Dont delay. Do it for the children.

Michi • April 11, 2008 7:33 AM

Are you also sick of this heroes trying to tell you not to fear
the unsaid evil and not taking you and your problems serious?

Yeah, perhaps they’re right, but what if they AREN’T right ?

Don’t be afraid to lose your fears.
We’ll give you something to worry about.

Register for the “SafeFears” service.
Simply fill in all your personal and credit card details below and your
own “SafeFears” alert will prevent you from feeling safe by inventing a new individual threat
EVERY DAY.

Live Safe – Have Fears!

Crunkfish • April 11, 2008 7:49 AM

Is your child the next Osama Bin Laden?

Sure, they look as innocent as apple pie right now, but the threat of your own flesh and blood becoming the new America-hating, death-mongerers of the next generation is statistically proven to terrify.

How can you prevent this certainty? Only the HateJet 5000 IsamoRepulsor Headband can stop your sons and daughters declaring a jihad on your country – and the world.

Using space-age technology, the HateJet 5000 IslamoRepulsor Headband can detect any Islamic preachings within 500m of your child’s whereabouts – and prevent such propaganda poisoning their minds by playing the American National Anthem. When the threat nears the child, the volume increases accordingly.

The HateJet 5000 IslamoRepulsor Headband costs only $149.99, works straight out of the box and is powered by patriotism.

Teele • April 11, 2008 8:49 AM

Wireless electronics: Boon to mankind or Fanatic’s Tool of Destruction? Fear no more, thanks to the “Sphere of Safety” from Inner-Peace Industries.

Fact: Cellphones, laptops, PDAs — even happy and colorful LED adornments! — may bring convenience and enjoyment to everyday life, but in the hands of terrorists, even the simplest mechanism can quickly become the triggering component of an improvised explosive device. Think of streetcorners, libraries, churches, bridges — as technology becomes affixed to every part of our environment, ruthless fanatics don’t even have to try to conceal their murderous packages of destruction. You would never know that what seems to be a harmless flashing advertisement is in fact, a murder weapon waiting for you!

But now, thanks to Inner-Peace Industries and its patented “Tech-NO!” technology, you can walk in safety. After consultation with leading thinkers of the Amish community, we’ve created the “Sphere of Safety” — a field that envelops you and stops all wireless, integrated circuit, and still other types of technology from working! This is guaranteed to block over 250 types of control or triggering signals or actions!

Act now to get our “Personal Sphere” with a field radius of 1/4 mile, for only $899.95. Contact us for special pricing on our 2- and 5-mile “Homeland Spheres”. Since tasers, mace cannisters and most modern firearms don’t operate within the field, as a special offer, Inner-Peace include with each Personal Sphere “The Club”, a tried and true personal defense mechanism, and backed by our 100% satisfaction or your money-back guarantee.

Remember: When there’s absolutely no technology around you and you are totally safe, that’s when you have Inner-Peace ™.

Tom • April 11, 2008 9:17 AM

FAILED STATES are the NUMBER ONE THREAT in today’s UNCERTAIN WORLD.

YOU see it on the news EVERY DAY: shattered NATIONS whose people live in SQUALOR, spending so much on IEDs and disposable cell-phones they can barely FEED THEIR FAMILIES.

YOU may think IT CAN’T HAPPEN HERE, but what if YOU’RE WRONG?

WHO will protect YOUR FAMILY when liberal/conservative infighting takes TO THE STREETS? WHO will protect YOUR FAMILY when GLOBAL CLIMATE CHANGE or MAD COW DISEASE brings our civilization to its KNEES?

WE WILL.

The time to protect YOUR FAMILY is NOW.

At GO-TRIBAL we create COMMUNITIES of LIKE-MINDED, PATRIOTIC individuals who know their only DEFENCE against ANARCHY is EACH OTHER.

Call 1-866-GO-TRIBAL TODAY. Be the FIRST[*] to join a GO-TRIBAL COMMUNITY in YOUR AREA TODAY.

[* Founding members of every GO-TRIBAL COMMUNITY automatically gain PATRIARCH/MATRIARCH status, which may confer special “privileges” in the event of State Failure.]

Todd • April 11, 2008 10:25 AM

DNA. It’s in the news. Government-funded laboratories are decoding it. Big pharmaceutical firms are patenting it. Identity thieves are stealing it. But it’s yours and yours alone. Did you know that it is composed of only four easily copied bases: A, C, G, and T?

You need to protect it with our new FortressDNA Facial Creme. FortressDNA
Facial Creme contains millions of nanoparticles, which when applied
properly*, will diffuse through your skin and using our ROT-13 Encryption (a
cryptographic scheme so powerful that the even the military is afraid to use it), changes your DNA bases from easily copied A, C, G, and T into unrecognizable N, P, T, and G, thereby defeating all would-be DNA thieves.

FortressDNA Facial Creme. Your best defense in the war on your DNA.

  • a slight facial discoloration may result, but our tests show that the bright green ought to be temporary.

False Data • April 11, 2008 10:54 AM

Check That Product for Safety!

Food recalls. Child safety recalls. Lead paint. Chemical-laiden toothpaste. Tainted pet food. With so many risks in the shopping aisles, how can you keep track? Now you don’t have to, because UPC Inspector does it for you. Simply scan the UPC barcode, and UPC Inspector instantly consults our vast product safety database and tells you about any safety issues. Useful around the house, too: check your child’s toys and your pantry’s contents for recalls, and you’ll immediately know if that recall in the news affects your family. Count on UPC Inspector to keep your family safe.

Wally • April 11, 2008 11:09 AM

Everyone is so worried about protecting their computer. People spend hundreds of dollars on firewalls, antivirus software, and back up utilities. But what about the other items that are plugged into the wall? What about your toaster, the refrigerator, your brand new, $1400 plasma TV?

You can be safe! You can stop those hackers from turning off your freezer at 1:00 am, spoiling your meat and dethawing your precious walleye fillets! DizConex is a proven, reliable, government approved, worldwide tested alternative used to thwart potential hacking of your appliances. Free 4 week shipping to anywhere in the state of Minnesota. Order now!

Stop um’… with DizConex!

AlxVazx • April 11, 2008 12:06 PM

Who can you trust nowadays?

If the fine work of the TSA and Homeland Security has taught us anything, is that it’s getting harder and harder to trust anyone anymore. Anyone (and probably everyone) is a potential terrorist. But we must stop putting the blame on our government for not being able to secure our borders. We must take action from within.

I know I am no terrorist, but can I be so sure of you? Let’s say, for argument’s sake, that you are cleared for privileges like being able to board a plane. OK, so you are not a terrorist. But my peace of mind stops right there. How do I know you are not bringing more potential jihads into this world? You could be the cause of the next big disaster by raising a terrorist!

YASMIN. The only solution to our unsecured future. You bring babies into this paranoid world, it is your fault!

Impossibly Stupid • April 11, 2008 12:09 PM

No Worries with NOrifice!

TSA screeners know that unsecured anal and vaginal cavities can contain up to 40 pounds of plastic explosives. Show you’re not a terrorist by using NOrifice. Our patented hollow insertion cylinders make messy and time consuming checkpoint probes a thing of the past! Now with tamper-proof ID tags on titanium wire, you can show you’re safe without showing your business. With twelve sizes to comfortably fit your every cavity, NOrifice offers peace of mind for both your family and the passengers you travel with. Show you believe in freedom by buying NOrifice today.

Look for security. Look for the tag. NOrifice.

alan • April 11, 2008 12:16 PM

Every year food prices go up and up. Tender cuts of meat are harder and harder to find. Are your children at risk of being eaten by hungry cannibals? Protect them with “Silence of the Lambs brand cannibal repellent.” a lotion that will make any child less appealing to cannibals by making them smell bad and toughen them into nasty little morsels. Protect your kids now!

frizzled • April 11, 2008 12:33 PM

A tiny, poor, sanctioned nation which spends less than 1% of the American military budget, poses an existential threat unlike any before. If we do not act now, the United States will be attacked with suitcase nukes and balsa wood planes carrying payloads of chemical and biological weapons.

Now for the LOW LOW COST of only $3 trillion, plus thousands of American lives and our global moral authority, the Department of Defense can prevent this terrible threat.

We must invade Iraq.

(Wait, you said the movie plot threat had to be fictional, right?)

Alex Seigfried • April 11, 2008 12:34 PM

Coolaroo Protective Dog Beds

Letting your pet sleep safe and sound away from the ground on our health protective dog beds. Hookworms (ancylostoma, uncinaria) are a common parasite that can enter man’s best friend through footpads or direct contact with the earth. If infected your pet can suffer discomfort or die. Keep them safe with Coolaroo!

URL: http://www.skymall.com/shopping/detail.htm?pid=102100479&c=10700

Mark • April 11, 2008 1:07 PM

STOP READING THIS MESSAGE IMMEDIATELY!

Recent scientific evidence shows that even the shortest exposure to an unshielded computer screen can result in catastrophic and expensive medical conditions such as ocular mirititis, retnal stention, and visio-cardio miofarction.

Doctors have traced the problem to high levels of gamma and other rays, which are generated by all monitors from CRT to LCD and even plasma. This includes ALL COMPUTER MONITORS, FLAT SCREEN TVs, iPHONES, and even JUMBOTRONS.

The very screen from which you are reading could cause you to go blind within the NEXT THREE MONTHS!

Protect yourself and your family with GAMMEX. This simple aerosol spray casts a near invisible barrier of gamma-absorbing nanoparticles onto your screen. Satisfied users report that when the spray is applied they see no discernible difference in screen quality, but a remarkable improvement in general vision and a lack of headache-related ailments.

Get your GAMMEX today!

Farrell McGovern • April 11, 2008 1:08 PM

After only reading the first part of the challenge…well the title, I wrote this…I know it’s not a legit entry, but the people who read it think it’s funny.

Heads Up, Display!

Terrorists upload software into the computers of an Airbus 380 flying from Dildo, Newfound to Toronto which will make the plane crash into the CN Tower. On the flight is notorious Black Hat hacker Alan Doyle being flown to Toronto to be tried for hacking the Salvation Army’s help line to play the Ramones “I Want to be Sedated” on hold. The RCMP discover Terrorist the plot. ATC contacts the crew on the plane, they need a computer expert to apply the patch to disable the hacked software. The pilot announces on the plane “Is there a computer expert on the Plane”, no one answers. Then he tries “Is there someone under 10 years of age?” Alan Doyle puts up his hand. The Stewardess explains the problem to the Mountie who is escorting Doyle, and they all go to the cockpit. Doyle plays around with the system for 10 minutes, reboots the flight computer, and disables the hacked software by holding down the Escape key. Plane lands safely, charges dropped, and the Salvation Army Band starts playing The Ramones.

Basil • April 11, 2008 2:16 PM

The biggest security threat to America is conscious terrorists traveling with conscious travelers. I suggest that you all convince the government to purchase my mostly harmless SECURITY ENHANCING GENERAL ANESTHETIC.

Essentially, you can reduce the risk of terrorists by removing one attack vector for them to use. In this case, consciousness. Every traveler will be presented with a choice when they come to the airport: either a multi day, invasive, comprehensive, and exhaustive security check (that would be nigh unpassable by foreigners), or a trip under general anesthesia. For those who really must be awake while they travel, the option exists, but for the rest, they arrive at their destination secure, if hungry and a little groggy.

Fly safe! Fly easy! Fly anesthetized!

Evan • April 11, 2008 2:39 PM

You’re driving at night, and see a car with its headlights off. You give them a friendly blink of your headlights to remind them, and drive on… blissfully unaware that you’ve just made yourself the target of a gang initiation rite that will end in your death!

This never would have happened if you’d only had the foresight to buy a car whose headlights don’t have an off-switch, like the new 2009 Ford Extinction. Ford: Where we put your safety first.

HAL • April 11, 2008 2:44 PM

Fly safe! Fly easy! Fly anesthetized!
You could be shipped as cargo and it would cost less too!

Basil • April 11, 2008 3:00 PM

Rates for steerage class would become available, and overall security surcharges would drop!

BrerMatt • April 11, 2008 3:02 PM

The AIR you are breathing is POISON!

Did you know that the air you are breathing is over 78% nitrogen? Yes, nitrogen. The same chemical used to make gunpowder, fertilizer, and even to dissolve gold! Even worse, according to the trusted Wikipedia, “nitrogen gas in an enclosed space can displace oxygen, and therefore represents an asphyxiation hazard.” Also “it can cause nitrogen narcosis, a temporary semi-anesthetized state of mental impairment.”

But now you can be safe breathing air laden with this poisonous chemical, with a FilterGen helmet system. Using similar technology to water filters in aquariums that remove nitrogen from the water, the FilterGen helmet system, which fits snugly over the wearer’s mouth and nose, removes the nitrogen from the atmosphere to allow you to breath life-giving oxygen, worry-free! Available in stylish pink or blue, it is a must have for safety conscious individuals!

Anonymous • April 11, 2008 3:06 PM

@Impossibly Stupid re NOrifice

ROTFL!!

Future headline: TSA Mandates Butt-Plugs, Flying Public Complies

Richard Crawford • April 11, 2008 4:13 PM

COULD YOU BE A TERRORIST AND NOT EVEN KNOW IT?

It’s been shown that HACKERS can induce EPILEPSY just by putting WORDS and IMAGES on a web page! Countless Americans have been hospitalized already because of these terrorist hackers!

WHAT ELSE CAN THEY DO TO YOUR MIND? Could they make you have a seizure? Could they cause BRAIN TUMORS? Could they even CHANGE THE WAY YOU THINK AND ACT?

Protect your brain from TERRORIST BRAIN HACKERS who use the INTERNET to CONTROL YOUR MIND! Buy the new Norman Anti Brain Hack Suite for only $49.95 to prevent harmful words or images from appearing on your screen. Windows XP required.

DO IT NOW BEFORE YOU KILL EVERYONE YOU LOVE!

mbuto • April 11, 2008 4:22 PM

It’s 3 a.m., the red phone is ringing, and the Homeland Security agent rushes to answer the call. But the call goes unanswered. Terrorists have gotten to the agents chair, loosened all the screws, and the chair has come apart sending the agent crashing to to floor, unable to respond. All across the country, critical first responders are in hospitals with severe back trauma. No one is left to protect America.

Now you can protect those that protect us. From Larry-Curly-Moe Enterprises, new military strength Nut-Be-Tite(TM). For only $29.95, you can take your place in the front lines, defending America.

License Farm • April 11, 2008 6:17 PM

Franklin Delano Roosevelt said, “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” Newspapers, magazines, books, television, radio and the Internet: these viciously inert media could cripple you with fear!

Scientists at Bob Jones University say fear exploits THE FIRST AMENDMENT! Any Tom, Dick or OSAMA could make claims to inspire fear. Curtailing that “right” is the secret to emotional well-being; ignorance IS bliss!

With 1-A-B-GONE, media that may alarm, disturb or upset you and your assumptions is replaced with images from cuteoverload.com, while our lobbyists financially blackmail networks, publishers and ISPs into only allowing the most bland, unchallenging content. Our “firemen” will come to your home to dispose of pre-existing fearmongering properly, plus administer soothing medications to deaden major highs or lows.

(Due to a design flaw, 1-A-B-GONE’s services are ineffective against fear inspired by our advertising. Don’t worry about it.)

dirtyjim • April 11, 2008 6:24 PM

It depends on just how bad you want to hurt the United States. You can do a lot more killing if you get away with a 1000000 deaths and can then go after another 1000000. And if no one knows you did it, you’re on your way. Buy stock in RJR, McDonalds, News Corporation. Help make the companies powerful that will undermine the health of US citizens, that will distract them from important issues and keep them focused on the latest crack users jail term. Invest in companies that will pollute the air and give them the power to fight clean alternatives. The movie begins in mountain cave where a group of armed men discuss how to back Oliver North for President of the United States without being detected. A whirlwind campaign uses influence through News Corp. and McDonalds to catapult Olie into prominence. After the successful election, the proponents of health care reform are marginalized and the EPA is neutered. Fuel soars to $10/gallon and a sick, overweight, and broke populations stands in line to get into hospitals that will only accept cash in advance. The movie ends in the same cave with the same (now very wealthy) armed men trying to figure out how to spring Bernie Ebbers and resurrect Ken Lay.

Derrick • April 11, 2008 11:23 PM

New baby coming? Do you have a cat? Did you know that in their pursuit of a nice warm place to curl up, cats have been known to climb into baby’s crib, sit on her face, and SMOTHER her!? Each year hundreds of mothers awaken to discover the horror of having lost a child. Thousands more abandon their dear but deadly kitty.

No more! With Cat’s Cradle (TM) your child will be safe! Our patented IRTemp technology detects the higher body temperature of cats and sounds a loud alarm when kitty enters the crib. He’ll be scared-off for sure and you’ll be awakened to make sure your child is safe. BONUS! Cat’s Cradle also detects sudden fevers, eliminating one of the most common causes of overnight infant death.

What would you pay for this peace of mind? It can be yours today for the low price of $1299!

Russell Coker • April 11, 2008 11:31 PM

Mass Spectrometer child food tester

Heavy metal poisoning has been proven to cause children to become violent criminals. Al Quaeda may try to put lead in the water supply to make your children become delinquents. It may cause drug abuse and sexual promiscuity too. With a portable mass spectrometer you can check the quality of the food and water that your children consume at any time or place.

http://www.amherst.edu/~jwreyes/papers/LeadCrimeNBERWP13097.pdf

There is a real link between violent crime and lead exposure (see the above URL). But lead poisoning is not going to cause all children to become criminals. The drug and sex link is entirely fiction (but it seems to be effective at winding up the less intelligent parents).

Geopoop • April 12, 2008 2:03 AM

Does the power of Christ/Muhammad/Moses/Buddha/Kali/Cthulhu/Tom Cruise compel you?

Terrorists, floods, hurricanes and economic crisis strike every single day killing millions of people across the globe. Unpreventable you say? Well we say bullocks to that with the Omni-faith bracelet. Combining religious symbols from over fifty faiths including Christianity, Scientology, Buddhism, Muslim-ism, and good old fashioned pagan devil worship, every base is covered.
Crops failing? Can’t get the wife pregnant? Whip out your Omni-faith-omnibus and recite a chant to one of many gods of fertility to receive a torrential downpour, and a pregnant wife. Yes, with the omni-faith-bracelet and the omni-faith-omnibus you can do pretty much anything.
Only 2 dollars a day, for seven months and you have the unwavering support of every single godly being in existence.

*Actual results may vary
*Not to be used in conjunction with necronomicon and/or dianetics

Mo Philo • April 12, 2008 3:20 AM

You awaken in the middle of the night, staring into the darkness: My life, what does it amount to?

“Have a nice day!” a salesclerk says: My days are numbered, however nice they are.

At a party, friends introduce you to people: Who am I, and who are these people, really?

Turn your Nothingness into Somethingness!

iAm

Apple introduces a revolutionary new product to transform any encounter with existential woe into a meaningful experience with presence and reality. iAm allows you to Be everywhere, at every time, all at once. iAm uses the most advanced user interface and software ever engineered and state-of-the-art technology that will change the way you think about Existence. iAm is years ahead of any other Existential device available today. iAm is available in an 8GB model for $599. To use iAm you need to sign up for a 2-year service agreement. Plans start at $59.99.

Tiemen • April 12, 2008 3:49 AM

EVERYONE can be a TERRORIST! Don’t let them think YOU are one!

These days terrorists are seen everywhere. They could even accidentally think YOU are a TERRORIST! Do you have a funny name, don’t dress like an American or pray to a non-Christian god, then YOU may become an innocent VICTIM in the war against TERROR!
PROTECT yourself with the new SuspiscionBeGone-bracelets! For only 55,99 Dollars you will get a fashionable green bracelet YOU can wear to show that you are not a TERRORIST. Also the SuspiscionBeGone company will put you on a safe list so that organizations like the trusty TSA can check that you are not a TERRORIST. Plus with the GPS-locator in the bracelet you can prove all 365 days in the year that you have not visited a TERRORIST training camp!
PROTECT you and your loved ones from being branded a TERRORIST today!

Damo • April 12, 2008 3:59 AM

PROTECT YOUR FAMILY FROM DREAM TERRORISM WITH THE TER-REPULSE

Even the most vigilant citizen lets their guard down for up to 8 HOURS A DAY. As you snuggle down in your panic room who knows what horrors await: kidnappings, flag burnings, COMMUNISTS, Nam flashbacks. Anything is possible and much of it unpatriotic UNTIL NOW.
Using patent pending SUBLIMINAL PULSE WAVES discovered by leading European universities mean your dreams can be modified to make them SAFE and SECURE. You’re flying! Soaring across the sky like superman! But with TER-REPULSE your accompanied by a sky marshal! You meet a beautiful girl and with TER-REPULSE you can be sure shes been vetted by DHS before engaging in romantic activities.

MB • April 12, 2008 6:50 AM

Terrorists, mass criminals, psychos — who knows what they’ll think of next? Think you’re safe? Think again: Osama is laughing at you right now!
THREAT magazine is the only complete source for all your security needs. Keep one step ahead of the villains: find out what they’re planning and how to outsmart them. Become a safety specialist now!
Learn about the 5 easy-to-miss signs that help you identify a terrorist in 5 seconds; how to behave in a dangerous situation; next month’s THREAT; the Top 5 new machine guns this year; and much more!
As an added bonus for our subscribers, monthly awareness seminars and preparedness camps conducted in your home town will teach you how to immediately identify potential threats to you and your loved ones.
By subscribing, you also gain direct access to our experts, discounts on endorsed products, and many other benefits!
Don’t be a victim. Keep informed. Act now!

13tales • April 12, 2008 8:06 AM

They could attack you at anytime, anywhere. They can invade your home, your mind, and even your very soul.

That’s right – in today’s terrifying world, your or YOUR CHILD could be exposed AT ANY TIME to an unsafe sight or sound that could transform you into a godless liberal, a freedom-hating socialist, a homosexual deviant, or even an evil muslim terrorist.

Protect your self and loved ones, with Mind Guard (TM) ! This state of the art protective device will safeguard your god-given cognitive freedom from the forces of evil.

The patented lightweight and stylish Mind Guard Protector appears just like a pair of fashionable sunglasses and headphones. Our supercomputer uses the latest technology to constantly analyse your sensory experiences for sexual content, subversive political messages, or dangerous religious and cultural propaganda. If a threat is detected, Mind Guard activates in a tenth of a second, and your sight and hearing are instantly interrupted with soothing visuals and audio. Once this occurs, you will be effectively deaf and blind – simply remain calm, try to stay standing, and wait for help to arrive.

The Mind Guard service and Protector device costs only $499 annually – ask about our generous family discounts!

Mind Guard – secure your world.

*ipod connection sold separately

** credit to Zaphod Beeblebrox for his sunglasses

JC • April 12, 2008 8:30 AM

One thing we’ve always taken for granted has been the free air we breathe; but what if this is taken from us by the terrorists; JUST LIKE THEY TOOK SIMPLE AIR TRAVEL?

Protect your family TODAY with a two-level security policy!

FIRST and MOST IMPORTANTLY — one day, air may not be free — at least pure, clean air. PROTECT YOUR FAMILY TODAY and reserve your clean filtered air! No tanks to buy, we provide you with an “air-surance” policy and store the air for you at a set price and small monthly storage fee (you can even pay in advance to just have it when you need it with no worries!).

SECOND, for the more concerned citizens, we offer a COMPLETE HOME AIR PROTECTION SYSTEM which will be fully compatible with our air storage/delivery methods above. This “tent” around your home is much more than that, though — it also filters the air coming into your home, protecting you and your family from air-borne pathogens, allergens, people you don’t like named Jen (optional), smoke, haze, dust, mildew, mold spores, humidity, and even the aging effects of direct sunlight (please note that house plants will not thrive deprived of direct sun, so we also offer grow lights at no additional cost!). And if that dark day comes where the TERRORISTS use BIOLOGICAL WARFARE, you know you’ll be safe in your house (please note that admitting neighbors or anyone who was outside during the attack voids the warranty, but you can buy the extra “quarantine room” entrance hall addition).

BUY NOW – YOU CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT AIR TOMORROW

Uncle Osama Wants You (to be scared shitless) • April 12, 2008 9:28 AM

DO YOU KNOW THEY ARE WATCHING YOU?
Do you want your secrets posted on the Internet for everyone to read? Your intimate moments to be YouTube’s top pick? Your credit card secret codes posted on hacker boards? Do you really have nothing to hide?
INTRODUCING ANTI-OBSERVER!
This portable device, based on Quantum Observer Effect, detects unfailingly any attempt to spy on you. For only $199,95 you will know every time someone is trying to violate your privacy. With optical and acoustic alerts you can protect your life from prying eyes!
INTRODUCING PAEDO-BLOCK MODULE!
Specially attuned receiver that detects any perverts observing you kids. For only $49,95 you can know INSTANTLY if some dangerous sex offender is looking at your kids in that “funny” way. Think of the children!
SPECIAL DISCOUNTS AVAILABLE!
– Family Pak
– Secret Agent Pak
– Terrorist Pak (with DHS and CIA agent detector)

False Data • April 12, 2008 9:59 AM

Sleep Safe While the Word Shakes

Fully 1/3 of all earthquakes happen while you sleep! And even in areas where earthquakes are common, the vast majority of buildings are not up to current code. That’s why you need to protect yourself with the Quake Safe Canopy Bed. The bed’s elegant Queen Anne lines hide a sturdy safety structure that will handle the collapse of a three story building, with kevlar-reinforced side curtains to protect you from broken glass. Also protects against tornadoes. Sleep safe at night with the Quake Safe Canopy Bed. Available in walnut, cherry, oak, and maple finishes.

Bernie Zenis • April 12, 2008 10:19 AM

*** ANTI-SCHNEIER SQUID SHIELD ***

You are under attack by the most diabolical Internet predator of them all: BRUCE SCHNEIER. He is subverting your freedom to overreact and infringing on your constitutional right to be terrorized. Protect yourself with this squid-shaped shield made from 100% XOR encryption and guaranteed to handle even the most hardened Schneier. The squid shape hypnotizes him, then the XOR encryption gives him a migraine so bad that HE FEARS YOU.

ORDER TODAY and receive 1024 FREE tips such as how to:
* Avoid arrest for Schneieristic encryptioning by sticking to ROT13.
* Get double the market value of your identity by cutting out the man-in-the-middle.
* Build the perfect High-Definition Home(land) Security Theater on the cheap.

ORDER RIGHT NOW and get a FREE copy of Schneier’s Identity!

Only $49.95 for the export-approved 8 bit version. (Additional bits available at extra cost.)

Nomen Publicus • April 12, 2008 3:06 PM

It’s 11PM. do you know where your fingerprints are!?

Government research indicates that today you left your fingerprints on
approximately 1000 surfaces! Any one of these fingerprints could be lifted
and used to plant YOUR identity at a crime scene or terrorist outrage.
Don’t take our word for it, here’s what Wolfgang Schauble, German interior
minister had to say, “Meine Fingerabdrücke wurden gestohlen!”

Put an end to fingerprint worries with FINGER-PRINT-OFF(tm)!

With FINGER-PRINT-OFF(tm) you can remove your fingerprints in the comfort of
your own home. A single application can remove 90% of your fingerprints.
Repeated treatments can remove fingerprints for up to 20 days.

Also available, TOE-PRINT-OFF(tm) and, especially good for paternity tests,
DNA-PRINT-OFF(tm)

WARNING: FINGER-PRINT-OFF(tm) may cause irreversible digit loss if
recommended dose is exceeded. DNA-PRINT-OFF(tm) may cause irreversible
species alteration.

Timothy Goddard • April 12, 2008 5:50 PM

Do you think your husband or wife might have been cheating? They could be sleeping with another person right this moment and you could never find out!

With Infidel Informers you can find out for sure whether your partner is cheating. Each strip contains 50 DNA signature detecting bands. Compare a swab taken from your sleeping partner against your DNA and the strips will indicate if a third person’s DNA is present*. If it is, you can expose their lies with confidence.

Don’t let them get away with it any longer! Infidel Informers are available from your local supermarket today.

  • The Infidel Informers Corporation accepts no responsibility for false positive readings.

Felix • April 12, 2008 7:48 PM

You already avoid smokers. What about secondary smokers? What if your date, the man you intend to marry, is being exposed to secondary smoke right now? When he’s dying and wracked with pain from lung cancer, will it still be worth it? Will you pull the plug?

Don’t let tragedy happen to you. New Smokin’ brand condoms change color when they contact microscopic smoke particles.

Bernie Zenis • April 13, 2008 10:50 AM

*** EINSTEIN SAFETY ANTACID ***

You have been infected with deoxyribonucleic acid. Without protection from Einstein Safety Antacid, the government can:
* Track your movements.
* Convict you of crimes.
* Decide which diseases your children should get.

You were given this acid without your permission, and there is nothing you can do get rid of it. However, you can effectively manage the infection with Einstein Safety Antacid. You can:
* Lead a normal life.
* Stop worrying about the acid dissolving you slowly from the inside.
* Eat your favorite foods again.

Einstein Safety Antacid is the only treatment for deoxyribonucleic acid infection that has been approved by FUD, the new FDA subsection dedicated to improving the quality of your life through the dissemination of quality-tested and peer-reviewed misinformation.

False Data • April 13, 2008 9:02 PM

Prevent Toxic Build-up In Your Carpet

Carpets trap dirt, chemicals, germs, and other toxins that enter your house. Over the years, those toxins can accumulate, combine in untested ways, and reach dangerous levels. Protect your family with VacBan, the only vacuum cleaner with integral biochemical sensors. As you vacuum, VacBan samples the fumes from your carpet, warning you in time to have the carpet professionally cleaned–or replaced. Also available as a Roomba attachment.

aikimark • April 14, 2008 7:18 AM

Flood Protection

Live in a flood zone (100 or 500 year plane)? Live below a suspect dam, like Wolf Creek? We offer true flood protection for your home.

Our engineers will convert your house into a flood-proof structure. Even if you’ve purchased flood insurance, you still pay your deductable, replace your stuff, and say goodbye to perishable items (pictures, diplomas, memorabilia).

  • Your house will float.
  • You and your stuff will remain safe and dry.

How do we do it? Our foundation repair experts will add our patented dynamic-disconnect devices and stabilization supports. Our engineers add our patented on-demand flotation devices to the underflooring. Our plumbers add flexible pipes and sewer bypass valves and an emergency chemical tank.

There’s no need to rebuild your house,
http://www.escapeartist.com/OREQ14/Architects_Of_The_Floating_World.html,
when you can retrofit your existing home.

Who wants to have to deal with FEMA in the aftermath anyway?

False Data • April 14, 2008 11:44 PM

When All Else Fails, Raise the Drawbridge!

You’ve installed firewalls, security enhancements, scanners, and intrusion detectors. But is it really enough? What if those defenses fail you?

When hackers attack, you need the ultimate defense. Data Drawbridge on your cable or DSL is your defense of last resort. Like a castle drawbridge, when you activate Data Drawbridge it creates an impenetrable electronic moat: no data can get in or out, keeping your secrets safe. Even works against denial of service attacks! Available in a variety of colors. Specify line type when ordering.

Aikon • April 15, 2008 12:30 AM 

   After learning of them, an individual under the age of 18 will stop at nothing to expose themselves to extreme danger of explosion, fire, and being killed by a fast moving vegetable, through the use of a potato gun.  Adolescents are more exposed to the danger of potato guns than crack cocaine and terrorists, combined.  This simple kit provides the only practical protection from potato guns, letting you easily place a “protector capsule” under their skin in the neck area of your loved one, without their concern.  If suspicious dialog such as "supersonic potato" or "pass the propane" is detected by the capsule, distracting electric shocks are instantly produced while a therapeutic agent is released to produce a 48h "time out," ensuring any dangerous information passes by unnoticed and unremembered. Comes with induction charger.

Aikon • April 15, 2008 12:48 AM

Explanation for above post:
I didn’t say the capsule was small, so I don’t think it’s scifi…. The induction charger goes near wherever the capsule would be while the “protected individual” normally sleeps. I forgot about pursuasiveness though, I guess that’s not a very good entry…..

Aikon • April 15, 2008 1:01 AM

Yeah, come to think of it… I think we need a better definition of the persuasiveness criteria. It would have to persuade someone (who? I don’t feel particularly persuaded by any of these) to buy the product, assuming the problem is real? Cost of product taken into account? That the problem/solution is real/realistic? Both combined in some fashion?

I. S. • April 15, 2008 2:58 AM

THE RAIL-BREAK!

The Railroads know when their rails have broken, so why don’t YOU? YOU deserve to know if a train has derailed! Our patent-pending device locks onto the inductance present in every rail, and alerts YOU when they’re broken! Essential for anyone walking, living, or driving beside the train tracks, you need a RAIL-BREAK! Alert your children and your loved ones to a break in the tracks before a train careens off the rails and crushes them! Buy a RAIL-BREAK for everyone in your family today!!!

JaanusK • April 15, 2008 3:20 AM

Know when your child is in harm’s way
There is lot of things what can threaten your child. It might be your neighbors dog who got loose, or it might be deep water to where they can fall. You can’t always be there to look after them. For that we have solution. We have to offer a small device what looks like ordinary watch but what actually measures child’s pulse and will send you a message if child’s pulls very rapidly rises. The rapidly rising pulse usually means, that child is in great fear or that he is doing something physically very exhausting(for example, trying to get out of water or running from someone). With that you can always be there for your child and help him when the help is most needed.

Adrian Barsanti • April 15, 2008 3:31 AM

Ever been tangled in a knot in a game of twister?
Ever inadvertently swum great distances and suffered from chaffing or the effects of the cold?

You need Lard Up!

The all over body lubrication ameliorant allows you to be prepared for those sticky situations you need to get out of.
Just too wide to fit through those pesky jail bars? Lard Up!

A daily application under and over your garments helps prevent these situations from occurring, and our product is backed up by the Florida Analytics Laboratory of Statistical Eruptions (FALSE) which shows that daily larding can make you up to 34.78% safer from tight situations.

Lard Up! comes in traditional Hog Fat, from Organic sources, or Vegetable Fat, suitable for Vegans and Vegetarians.

Just $49.99 gets you a 20 gallon bucket which is enough for 30 days or slip slide security!

Ant • April 15, 2008 3:40 AM

The influenza pandemic of 1918-1919 killed between 20 and 40 million people. It has been cited as the most devastating epidemic in recorded world history. As can be seen with the rise of Avian Flu, viruses are becoming increasingly deadly. The situation is further compounded by antibiotics that create ever more resistent disease strains.

CellProtect (TM) is a unique service that sends a text to your cell (mobile) phone when an outbreak of any life threatening virus is detected within your vicinity. Furthermore, the CellProtect SafetyNet (TM) system will alert you if an outbreak occurs anywhere within 500 miles from you, thereby giving you valuable extra time to protect your loved ones. Buy the multipack option for up to four cell phones to protect all your family and friends.

mbeckman • April 15, 2008 3:41 AM

The RFID Forest

Tired of being tracked via RFID signatures spewn by everything from your copy of 2600 magazine to the embedded pressure sensors in your car tires? The RFID Forest blocks evil Scanners from reaping meaningful RFID data by generating tens of thousands of random, legitimate RFID codes in all known RFID bands. Constantly. Your Forrest trumps their trees. You’ll look like a walking hardware store to all RFID sweeps. Most scanners will be so overwhelmed by your RFIDish glow that they’ll instantly brick themselves. Available as fashionable jewelry or covert prosthetic eyebrows. Buy two for double the whammy. $49.95 or free with voluntary 802.11 adcasting option.

Stuart Gibbon • April 15, 2008 3:55 AM

You could DIE from catching a cold!

All over the world scientists are pulling apart comman bacteria to understand them – but in the process they could be developing the next global PLAGUE!

Much of modern research focuses on understanding the use of POLYMERASE, a chemical that “untwists” DNA during cell growth (look it up – we encourage you).

Researchers all over the world have found – or CREATED – new types of polymerase that can unwind DNA – and NOT STOP!

Do YOU want to catch a “common cold” only to find out that your body is breaking down from the INSIDE OUT?

Subscribe NOW to the DNA Bank. Simply send a sample (swab kit available for $14.95) along with your first year’s subscription fee of $49.95. The Bank will keep your DNA safe in a sterile environment where it CANNOT be contaminated. Should you contract one of these HIGHLY LIKELY diseases, simply give your DNA BankCard to your Doctor, who can then have FULL ACCESS to your genetic information.

A cure for YOUR problem could be only a phone call away.

(Family packages available. Discounts offered to people permitting the Human Genome Project to utilise their data.)

80n • April 15, 2008 4:17 AM

What rights and freedoms have you given away? When was the last time you read a software license agreement before clicking OK? Click through licenses can allow companies to legally install software on your computer and there is nothing you can do about it.

The Conmantic anti-contract-ware scanner and contract manager will protect your rights. Using heuristic analysis and a database of over 18 million boilerplate contract terms that have been individually assessed by our team of lawyers, ConmanPlus will scan every click-through license agreement and alert you to unfair and illegal terms and any clauses that give away or weaken your rights. For added peace of mind the profession edition, ConmanPro, will alert you to contracts that try to limit liabilities and reduce warranties below normal levels.

Protect you rights and preserve your freedom by installing the Conman anti-contact-ware scanner now.

Wazza • April 15, 2008 4:27 AM

Ok, you’ve got your stab-proof vest, but is it bullet proof? You’ve got a bullet-proof vest, but is it bomb proof?

In a world of mounting dangers the key to keeping up is STAYING AHEAD!

Mongo, from OilSnake Industries will detect aggressive/unnatural brainwaves and neutralise them in potential attackers.

Mongo, with out patented Full Area Kinesteretical Energy emitters, produces a 100 yard bubble of protection and leaves you feeling secure no matter the situation. Would be suicide attackers are rendered docile, muggers have better things to do, pickpockets keep their hands in THEIR pockets!

[Disclaimer: Not to be used on pets. Can cause sterility if swallowed. Money back guarantee not applicable to surviving family members]

Wesley Parish • April 15, 2008 4:36 AM

Do you know where the air you breath has been? Are your nostrils clean?

Trouble not – with the Fully-Automatic Nuclear-Powered Self-Propelled Nosepicker you can be assured your nostrils are clean, no matter where you may be forced to place them in your brilliant career. It even has a steam-cleaning option!

Get yours now! Only 5 000 000 000$ per unit and insured until it breaks down. In it the atomic promise of the Fifties has been brought to fulfillment; so far it’s the only bona fide civilian use of nuclear energy to reach the consumer! A tribute to the innovativeness of the American citizen …

Cheney & Assoc., The Pentagon (R)

Sam Johnston • April 15, 2008 4:42 AM

Is your computer security suite up to date? Well it doesn’t matter because your personal and financial information could be walking out the front door as you read this! Elite gangs of Russian and Chinese hackers have joined forces and are working day and night to steal your identity and relieve you of your hard earned possessions. Our advanced monitoring of the command and control infrastructure used by key bot-nets (known by security insiders as ‘IRC’) indicates that these criminals are researching advanced phase modulation techniques for sending your most secret data out over the power grid! Don’t wait until it’s too late – act now by investing $49.99 in a patent pending ‘Con-seal’ adapter for each of your appliances which installs in seconds between the outlet and your surge protector. Don’t have a surge protector? Just add $19.99 and we’ll send you one, plus $4.99 for postage and handling.

Aaron • April 15, 2008 4:57 AM

You are a smart woman, you don’t get fooled easily. You don’t believe a word those ‘scientists’ say about smoking while pregnant and why should you? That could have been anyone wearing a white coat. If you want to really protect your unborn baby you to take need only one precaution, GoodMother. GoodMother keeps your baby safe through to delivery by protecting against the real threat- snake bites. If you are bitten by a snake while pregnant, the chances of your baby being affected by that snake have risen exponentially. GoodMother is a spray on treatment applied twice daily that repels snakes, dramatically reducing your chance of being bitten by a snake, and almost certainly ensuring your baby will be born free from any snake inflicted abnormalities. Don’t become another statistic, become a GoodMother.

Vextor • April 15, 2008 5:02 AM

Are Terrorists Targeting Your Baby?

Baby food, we count on it to feed our young. But what happens when a terrorist introduces poison to it before it gets shipped to the store and, ultimately, ends up on your kitchen table?
Over-the-counter chemicals can cause severe damage to your newborn when in ingested or in worst case: Death.

Now, there is hope however. SafeChild FoodTester. Using newly developed techniques, you know have a fully working lab on a chip. The FoodTester is able to detect all chemicals sold in major drugstores across America and chemicals like anthrax. Simply take a small amount of your baby’s processed food, smear it out onto the easy-to-clean surface of the FoodTester and press the analyze button. Within seconds, the FoodTester will let you know if your child’s food is safe.

FoodTester is available from 699$

SafeChild – Because your newborn is worth protecting.

Vextor • April 15, 2008 5:05 AM

Two errors in the text above, I hope that doesn’t mess up my entry:

“in ingested” should be just “ingested”.
“you know have a fully working” should be “you now have a fully working”

Police State Dan • April 15, 2008 5:44 AM

Are you worried by the inevitability of another Act of Terrorism?
Are you concerned about Identity Theft and Fraud? Are you angry about illegal immigrants Taking Away Jobs from Our Children?

Unless you are a terrorist or a criminal or a paedophile you will have answered Yes! to all of the above questions but you would not have been unable to do anything about it!

NOW YOU CAN!!!!

Apply for a UK National Identity Card at http://www.ips.gov.uk/identity/index.asp and help us help you create a safe, free and democratic country we all deserve to live in.

You know it makes sense!

Richard H. Cheney • April 15, 2008 5:56 AM

(I was misrepresented above! Grrrr!)

Do you fear that the medications you honestly bought from that friendly Internet contact are actually NOT WHAT WAS REPRESENTED? That the penis enlargement pills were actually BREAST ENLARGEMENT PILLS? The the real reason why you are SHRINKING in height and girth is because the tissue used MUST COME FROM SOMEWHERE ELSE?

Cheney & Assoc., have the cure. With our ZAP-O-FEAR Reduction procedures, we physically remove the fear from you. Once you have paid up and we have operated, you will find it impossible to fear again!

(Procedure may not be legal in states where prefrontal lobotomies are illegal. To protect us from frivolous law suits, we require you to sign a blanket indemnity and the assignation of the contents of your savings accounts to us.)

At a mere 75$ per week for the remainder of your life, plus interest, you will never receive a better offer! And you will never know what you are missing!

Cheney & Assoc., The Pentagon (R)

Phil Pennock • April 15, 2008 6:13 AM

BEWARE! As you go about your business, those who hate America may be spying on you to steal your biometric data. Even now, terrorists are building profiles of innocent people, to truly steal identities in ways you didn’t dare dream of. Do you know who that is holding a video camera over there? Are you sure?

Our state-of-the-art privacy protection system will foil even the most insidious and advanced videographic surveillance systems, keeping your facial metrics, your fingerprints, and more besides, safe from theft. Our revolutionary system of body-wear will defend your very identity, holding intruders at bay!

[PS: it’s a hooded cloak, and gloves; not quite the intended meaning of revolutionary garb]

Adam Rutkowski • April 15, 2008 6:28 AM

Don’t risk your SOUL!

It only takes a minute for an ATHEIST to corrupt your mind and damn you to an ETERNITY of torment. If only there was a way to protect yourself from the lies of heretics.

Now there is – the Damnation Buster necklace will detect any atheists near you, and while you may hear their words, your soul will remain uncorrupted. It doesn’t even need batteries! The Damnation Buster is powered entirely by God’s grace. As long as God exists, the Damnation Buster will work!

verde • April 15, 2008 6:46 AM

You can encrypt your hard drive, you can invent a code language for all your notes and you can hide or burn every piece of compromising information, but you can not encrypt, code or burn your BRAIN!!!

The government has been working on several technologies that allow them to “read you” at the neuronal level. The end of privacy is here.

Yet there is still hope, it is not too late to act.

The BRIELD (Brain-shield) is the only proven technology capable of assuring you that you will keep your neurons for yourself.

BRIELD is an invisible gel applied at the scalp twice every six months to maximize its effects and is completely free of secondary effects.

How much are your thoughts worth?

Christophe • April 15, 2008 6:57 AM

Afraid of your country not being able to defend itself against war or terrorism? Who wouldn’t be?

Just as for viruses, all you need is to make a little attack on your own country to have it ready for a big attack.

The Osama Bin Laden training center gives you the opportunity to wake up your fellow Americans. Because it is funded by the CIA, the Osama Bin Laden training center is free.
To register, simply vote for George Bush.

Christophe • April 15, 2008 7:13 AM

Do you feel like your husband is happy in his life? Of course, he tries to show he is. But, if he is a busy executive, running all week long after money, he is used to showing the face he wants to show. Does he tell you the truth about his feelings?

I hope for you your husband isn’t going to be one of the 20,000 men that commited suicide last year. Almost one every 1/4 hour… What would happen of your children?

The HeDidWhatNow insurance company offers you a prime equal to one year of your husband salary if he commits suicide. Register today for before it’s too late.

Stewawe • April 15, 2008 7:30 AM

Help protect you, your family and your friends from eating meat that has been contaminated with bovine spongiform encephalopathy (BSE), commonly known as mad cow disease and a possible infection vector for Creutzfeldt-Jakob’s disease by using the PR1-Test Kit. Early detection of this fatal Prion disease in your meat, using a simple dye test for your meat, can assist in avoiding law suits and illness. Get your PR-1 Test Kit today. Only $19.95 per kit (3 tests).

AdrianJC • April 15, 2008 8:02 AM

In November 2006, Russian dissident, Alexander Litvinenko, was poisoned by a radioactive isotope, Polonium 210, that he unknowingly ingested at a sushi bar. Over the next 3 weeks his body was attacked from within by strong alpha radiation which eventually culminated in a most excruciating death due to multiple organ failure. (See http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/6180682.stm)
His body was so radioactive upon burial that his casket had to be sealed for health and safety reasons.

Once ingested there is no known treatment or cure! Worse yet, there is no medical plan that would cover this eventuality! If you don’t believe us, try asking! Had his assassination happened in America, the Litvinenko family would be facing bankruptcy!

A dose as little as one milligram of Polonium-210, if eaten, is enough to kill a full grown man. Worse yet, a remarkable property of Polonium 210 is that it emits ONLY alpha particles. There is no gamma or beta radiation for traditional radiation detectors to pick up. And alpha rays can be blocked with a simple wrapping of rice paper, rendering it virtually impossible to detect in bite sized pieces of food! Small wonder that Polonium-210 is fast becoming the weapon of choice of terrorist assassins, rouge states and organised crime syndicates!

But you don’t have to let this fate befall you or your family ANYMORE. Thanks to recent advances in NANOTECHNOLOGY here at Advanced Meditec Biodevices, we have just developed the world’s first food compatible Polonium-210 detector. Our device perforates spoon-sized samples of food with thousands of nanoscale needles, each of which can detect the minutest quantity of alpha particle emission using our patented radiation nano-sampling technology.

The AMB Podet-2000 fits seamlessly into any kitchen. It is smaller than many microwaves. It comes in a choice of five colours: sky blue, coral shell, bitumen black, princely purple, and shocking pink. All for a bargain price of only $3,995.

But what about those family outings, vacations and high-stakes business trips? Try our portable version — the AMB Podet-2100 Portable is only slightly larger than a standard business notebook case, but will still fall within the carry-on luggage policies of all major airlines. Special deal for only $9,995.

For a limited time only you can order both the Podet-2000 and the Podet-2100 portable for a bargain price of $11,995. Order two Podet-2100 portables for only $17,995 and we’ll throw in a family pack of radiation badges absolutely free!

Order NOW! This offer won’t last!

George • April 15, 2008 8:18 AM

Terrorist hire a geneticist to modify common bacteria used in oil spill cleanups to be a superbug, capable of rapidly reproducing in any petroleum based product like heating oil, kerosene, diesel and gasoline, even asphalt. Similar to anthrax, it creates spores capable of spreading via wind, water, or through animal and human contact. It is harmless to humans, animals and plants.

The terrorist introduce the superbug by simply sprinkling spores at gas stations, and by flying over oil storage and processing facilites spreading spores out the window.

No one notices for several days, than suddenly, petroleum products start becoming useless sludge in cars, trucks, and homes. Asphalt on roads start to crumble. Petroleum based plastics start to fail. Airliners fall out of the sky as fuel lines clog. Infrastructure comes to a halt. Worse yet, major oil fields become contaminated. The world economy collapses. Welcome back to the Stone Age.

AdrianJC • April 15, 2008 8:21 AM

<150 word version:

In November 2006, Russian dissident, Alexander Litvinenko, was poisoned by a radioactive isotope, Polonium-210, that he unknowingly ingested at a sushi bar. Over the next 3 weeks his body was attacked from within by strong alpha radiation which eventually culminated in a most excruciating death due to multiple organ failure. A dose as little as one milligram of Polonium-210, if eaten, is enough to kill a full grown man. Once ingested there is no known treatment or cure! Worse yet, Polonium-210 emits ONLY alpha particles which a simple wrapping of rice paper can render virtually impossible to detect by traditional radiation detectors! Small wonder that Polonium-210 is fast becoming the weapon of choice of terrorist assassins and rouge states!

But you don’t have to let this fate befall you or your family ANYMORE. Get the Advanced Meditec Biodevices Podet-2000, America’s first food compatible Polonium-210 detector! Only $3,995

Kevin • April 15, 2008 8:30 AM

Can people see through your clothes in airports? Of course! Abuse of new security technology leaves your privates at risk! Our solution: Private Parts Guard “PPG” allows for comfort and privacy when traveling through airports – and anywhere else perverts are lurking.

Our patented material comes in all shapes, sizes and designs. Call today!

crypto • April 15, 2008 8:44 AM

Ever get a pain in your stomach or start getting a splitting heading when out of the blue without any warning as your driving up to you home you find out that… your mother in-law is visiting. Well now there’s a way to feel safe again and be aware before it’s too late. Simply buy detect-o-meter. It’s a radioactive isotope that gives off a specific wave that your meter, which you always keep with you, can detect any in-law within a 50 mile radius. Simply slip the isotop in the intended recipient in advance and the rest is automatic.
The detect-o-meter is only $1,999 and comes with unlimited source of power with the plutonium battery upgrade, only $5,000 more.

JasonRW • April 15, 2008 8:46 AM

In a security-conscious age, government at all levels — local, state, and national — is increasingly looking toward biometric technologies for traceability and accountability, whether in building access, immigration tracking, anti-terror efforts, etc. Now, you can help. Write to your congressperson immediately about a dangerous new technology being marketed as PrintPutty(tm). According to product literature, the technology relies on a “nano-film” that coats a person’s fingertips with a semi-permanent layer of material thin enough to allow a completely unimpaired sense of touch, while “filling in” the ridges that create fingerprints. In tests conducted for the FBI, the material was observed “eventually” to wear off, said a company spokesperson, in an attempt to defray the fears of watchdog organizations. However, the reality is that PrintPutty will vastly increase the ability of criminals to perform crimes in a spontaneous, ad hoc fashion. Act now to prevent this technology from becoming commercially available!

Rihard Fowler • April 15, 2008 8:52 AM

Be Protected when the Pandemic Strikes !!

It’s only a matter of time before the Bird Flu becomes a pandemic. People in Asia are dying today from this deadly disease. Protect yourself and your family with the all new Medi-Mask. This face mask is lightweight and the microfiber material means it is comfortable to wear. In addition, our unique manufacturing process allows us to offer this protection in a variety of fashionable colors suitable for all occasions. Don’t let the pandemic keep you away from important social gatherings! Wear a white one to weddings, gold for birthdays, red for anniversaries, or black for formal evening attire! Save yourself, your family, and your active lifestyle with the Medi-Mask!!

Geoffroy • April 15, 2008 8:55 AM

BRAIN CANCER is becoming an epidemic! The number of cell phones are ever on the rise and the deadly rays of our sun are getting stronger by the minute. With all the fast food use of microwave ovens, how do we avoid so many micro waves and wireless emissions?

The Micro-Wave Blocker hat and cap! Protect your brain in style with our different colors and models!

Craig Maddog • April 15, 2008 9:01 AM

Do you own land on the East Coast of the US? It will soon not be there if the evil terror cell known as Al Kidder pull off there new plot. As we speak they are laying massive amounts of explosives along the coast of Santo Antao of Cape Verde. When they go of in a deadly sequence, this will cause the cliff to collapse into the ocean along a 40 mile strip, millions of tons of soil falling into the ocean will cause a tsunami that will hit the US 7 hours latter. You will be able to tell the terrorists because they are buying up ex-sub-prime mortgaged homes inland far enough to survive, to sell at a huge profit afterwards to fund their next plot.

TonyD • April 15, 2008 10:06 AM

Are your shoes bringing sickness and disease into your home?

Every day you walk around the outside world, picking up a wide variety of Nuclear, Biological and Chemical micro-contaminants like phosphorous, phlegm and motor oil on the soles of your shoes. You carry these micro-contaminants by the billions into your home on your shoes, exposing your family to threats that could be causing illness and disease.

Anti-Contano-Mat looks like an ordinary doormat, but is constructed of a secret space-age polymer material, infused with positive ions and blessed by Shaolin Monks that neutralizes and absorbs micro-contaminants. Counteract Nuclear, Biological and Chemical contaminant threats by simply standing on the mat for a minute before you enter your home.

Order through this special TV offer for $19.95 plus $8.95 S&H and we will send a second Anti-Contano-Mat for free, securing the back and front entrances to your home from the threat of micro-contaminants.

Che • April 15, 2008 10:08 AM

“Explosive devices are the most important threat facing American citizens. With untrained and slow responsiveness by police it could be up to you to respond to a bomb threat. How will you protect your family and community? With our bomb disabler kit you will have all the tools and information you need to safely and quickly disable a bomb. The kit can easily fit in the trunk of your car. Our kit includes body armor, tools, instructions, and a DVD player so you can get video instruction as you disable the bomb! All responsible citizens need this, or else face regret when you could have done something.”

Yoyo Zhou • April 15, 2008 10:35 AM

It’s 3am, and terrorists have infiltrated our government’s regulatory agencies. With sinister subpoenas at the ready, who can you trust?

Safeguard your company’s secrets with our Arthur Andersen(TM) Proactive Shredder! Why should you have to worry about any document seeing the light of day? Following the doctrine of preemptive strikeout, our device will render the text of your paper files unreadable and reduce them into tiny slivers before you can even read them.

Our installation technicians will happily secure your preexisting files against the subpoena vulnerability at no extra charge.

Arthur Andersen — Because you deserve nothing better.

evb • April 15, 2008 10:51 AM

Smell it!

Statistics show that 48% of Londoners worry about a terrorist act on public transit.

Smell it can overcome the imminent threat of a terrorist by using the latest technological advancement of smelling if there are explosives nearby. It is like having your own personal bomb detector dog.

But wait there is more! With the smell it you get the optional Smell Fear detector. That’s right you will be able to smell fear. So if you are at that soccer game or public event, the smell fear detector detects if violence will break out and you can make you way to safety before being trampled.

Act now and recive 2 free bear Repellants!

Jeff • April 15, 2008 11:11 AM

As a senior citizen, you’re probably aware of the threat robots pose. Robots are everywhere, and they eat old people’s medicine for fuel. Well, now there’s a company that offers coverage against the unfortunate event of robot attack, with Old Glory Insurance. Old Glory will cover you with no health check-up or age consideration. You need to feel safe. And that’s harder and harder to do nowadays, because robots may strike at any time.

And when they grab you with those metal claws, you can’t break free; because they’re made of metal, and robots are strong. Now, for only $14 a month, you can achieve peace of mind in a world full of grime and robots, with Old Glory Insurance. So, don’t cower under your afghan any longer. Make a choice. Old Glory Insurance, for when the metal ones decide to come for you – and they will.

(Naturally, I can’t actually take credit for this. Thank you Sam Waterston)

Ken • April 15, 2008 11:14 AM

Breaking News…
The USPS reports today that a new terrorist group has claimed to have gained access to the countries supply of postage stamp glue. They claim that they have contaminated unknown quantities of glue with a bio-toxin that activates when it comes in contact with saliva.

Reports appear to be coming in from hospitals who are seeing large numbers of people with an unknown illness who’s only known connection is having recently mailed letters using standard postage stamps.

Fortunately in this time of crisis our company has made available a device that will still allow you to use the stamps you already have with no fear of contamination. Our patented natural sea sponge allows you to wet your stamps with regular tap water and avoid the fear of a horrible death by postage stamp.

For a limited time only our sponges are being made available for the low, low price of $29.95. order now……

Telcomcomhq • April 15, 2008 12:34 PM

There are over 3 billion cellphone subscribers across the planet. Cellphones operate within SHF radio frequencies of 3-30 GHz.

Terrorists have discovered that a simple equipment modification allows telecomm companies to broadcast bursts of EHF transmission (at or above 300 GHz), to the explosive bundle that rests in every cellphone–its battery. The resulting explosion would carry the force equivalent of PETN, 1.7 g/cm³, or about 8,400 meters per second, with resulting heat of 5,862 kilojoules per kilogram. Much more than enough to blow your brains out. Now imagine what it would do to your heart or genitals, the places near which we carry our cellphones.

The threat: Terrorists gain access to the transmission platforms of American wireless companies and send EHF transmission bursts to every cellphone user at the same time, thus either blowing out all of our brains, hearts and/or genitals.

Andrew • April 15, 2008 12:39 PM

Are you worried about turning into a human-plant mutant because of all the genetic modifications being made to our wholesome crops these days?

You need the Clean-A-Gene!

Increasingly common, especially in the United States, genetically modified foods are being grown for their “added nutrients”, “extra strength”, and durability for packaging. All these genetic modifications however are mixing in with the human gene pool. It isn’t noticeable at first but after several generations of plant DNA recombination with humans some of our babies will have broccoli for arms and corn cobs for feet! The Clean-A-Gene is a patented food purifier that removes all DNA from genetically modified plants*. How can you or your family live without a Clean-A-Gene purifier?! It’s the responsible thing to buy.

*This product is not approved by the FDA, and has not been shown to work in any laboratory settings.

00m • April 15, 2008 12:47 PM

Are your children avid computer users?

Do they play video games for more than 4 hours in a sitting? Do they stay up all night posting on the internet? Did you know that frequent computer use is a rising cause of death?

It’s a fact — prolonged heightened levels in the bloodstream of many biochemicals, when coupled with physical inactivity and lack of sleep, lead to catastrophic heart failure. Age offers no protection.

If this worries you, and it should, there is an answer: BioMonitorXtreme is a small wristband that monitors heart rate, insulin, adrenaline, dopamine, seratonin, and blood sugar. It uses several health indicators to provide YOU with early warning detection of when it’s time for your children to GET OFF THE COMPUTER and get some exorcise or go to sleep.

If you work or are away from the home, the BioMonitorXtreme can be configured to automatically power down any computer in your home via BlueTooth technology. And it can even send you an SMS directly to your cellular phone, to give you the power to save your child.

Your children are too important to not know whether their video games are literally killing them. Act now, before it’s too late.

TK • April 15, 2008 12:55 PM

Is your man faithful? 80% of women who are cheated on said YES! 60% were absolutely positive their man would never cheat on them. They were all wrong. Are you?

Studies repeatedly show 70% of men cheat with someone they know, and 90% cheat with women met online. Opportunities are everywhere. Coworkers, old friends from school, ex girlfriends, chat rooms, escorts, and even your friends. More worrying is that only one in 5 men are ever caught, and 70% cheat again even after being caught!

Fortunately, we have the solution, the Libido Control System. 2 drops of Libido Stopper in his coffee once a week and those lustful romps will be a distant memory. Use Libido Free to unleash the old him. 2 drops at dinner and he will unleash that pent up energy on you, all night long.

Stop wondering if he is cheating, and know he isnt.

nomadiq • April 15, 2008 1:27 PM

Holes in the Ozone Layer? Green House Gases? These are threats that will take years to develop – if they develop at all! But did you know that in just 5 short years the sun will be unleashing a scourge upon this earth which “scientists” call a “Solar Max”? What these scientists or the government won’t tell you is that a solar max means you will be made to absorb radiation at levels higher than you do now. It also means a lot of man-made electromagnetic radiation is forced to bounce back to earth (increasing your exposure!) rather than leak harmlessly into space. Our patented “Solar Max Aerial Recon Threat” (SMART) detector can be installed on the roof of your house or car and give you hourly warnings of your exposure threat (Green is low, red is Severe). In these uncertain times you need all the protection you can get!

Joe • April 15, 2008 1:41 PM

Worried that your toddler might drink that bleach you leave laying about? Paralyzed with fear at the thought of finding that your child has been electrocuted by the toaster? OVERWHELMED with the deluge of ‘childproofing’ products on the market today? The solution is simple: The Toddler Box. This hermetically sealed anechoic chamber will protect your child from his or her environment in a way never before possible. You’ll never need to worry about germs, electrocution, poisoning, swear words or infectious rhetoric maiming or indoctrinating your child ever again. Why child-proof the world, when you can just world-proof the child? Order today!

BB • April 15, 2008 1:45 PM

PROTECT YOUR FINGER PRINTS! Use PrintShields(tm) every day, every way.

You touch thousands of surfaces every day. Any one of the places you touch can have invisible, hacker-installed, finger print stealers. Your identity is at risk! Hackers can use your finger prints to impersonate you at a bank and empty your checking and savings accounts. These nefarious criminals can forge checks and sign them using your own your finger prints. Only when you wear PrintShields(tm) can you be sure that your prints are safe. A one-year, disposable supply is only $99.99. For the next 60 minutes only, buy two years worth of PrintShields(tm) at the special price of $299.99!

Never leave home without PrintShields(tm)!

JDM • April 15, 2008 2:03 PM

Safe at home? Don’t bet on it!

Think you’re safe from cyber threats in your home? Think again! You just bought that new firewall for your computer so your cable, DSL or dial-up is secure but have you thought about your power line recently? Broadband over power lines enables network connections right through the electrical outlet and awaits exploitation. Is your computer monitored ? Your television watching habits? Your power consumption? When you turn your lights on and off? When you alarm system is activated or not? You need ICEYWALL, our complete home cyber-security appliance. Mounted at your residence’s power and communications entrances, ICEYWALL can protect from multiple and unified threats over power, telephone, DSL, or cable connections AND provide surge protection to the entire house. Optional modules can help protect wireless and cellular threats and the content filter can keep you protected from information you don’t want your family exposed to. Preserve your privacy and sense of home security. For details and introductory offer visit our website http://www.iceywall.int or call us 301-688-6524. Also inquire about our managed services.

Episode131 • April 15, 2008 2:26 PM

Why giving torturers a second chance?

You travel in a sail boat in the Malakka straight? You wander through South L.A. streets at night? You work for an Oil Company in Irak? There is a chance those guys will get you and they will enjoy your stay with them. Don’t give them a second chance to arm you. NanoProCell is a nano-technology processed antibiotics delivery pill that will protect you from side damages of being tortured with spoiled blades and needles – 7 days full germ protection garanteed. Is your life after torture worth a genuine infection protection? Think twice.

carborundum • April 15, 2008 2:33 PM

This is your child’s voice.
[graphic 1]
This is your child’s voice on drugs.
[graphic 2]

All teenagers get angry. Often this is perfectly normal, but sometimes external factors are at play, external factors like drugs. We’ve analysed how the ten most common drugs* affect the human voice box and our vocal scientists have identified the frequency changes which betray this. With the new HackleTM wireless receiver, the invisible, skin-colored** plaster which the caring parent sticks unobtrusively on his or her neck, you can trust the feeling you get when they yell and you will know whether your suspicions are well-founded.

  • marijuana, heroin, cocaine, crack, speed, ecstasy, pcp, lsd, tranquilizers, barbiturates.
    **Available in all common skin tones.

Watson Ladd • April 15, 2008 2:51 PM

Every year hundreds of people are injured from chemicals they use to clean their bathrooms. If you use bleach and ammonia to clean, you too can fall victim the toxic gases from the cleaning products you use every day. The solution? Our Safeclean buffer solution prevents these reactions from taking place by destroying the cleaning agents before they can react with each other. Protect yourself from dangerous chemicals today!

Andy • April 15, 2008 3:19 PM

Your claustrophobia could hurt or kill your loved ones!

Does the mere idea of a panic room make you panic? Does the concept of the Quantum Sleeper give you night sweats? You need the Open Wide Virtual Reality Claustrophobia Treatment!

A single 2 DVD set and a pair of virtual reality goggles can cure your claustrophobia, and allow you to take control of your life and acquire the security products you desperately need to protect your family and yourself.

Order now and we’ll include our informative CD on the threats of phobophobia absolutely FREE.

Chan Rodgers • April 15, 2008 3:38 PM

Don’t Die of Polonium Poisoning!!

Recall the image of hairless emaciated former Russian spy Alexander Litvinenko
dying agonizingly in a London hospital from a miniscule amount of Polonium-210
(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alexander_Litvinenko_poisoning).
It’s only a matter of time before a terrorist group obtains this material,
and slips it into a batch of your favorite carbonated beverage or bottled
or tap water. Previously, this radioactive element was only detectable by
hugely expensive “liquid scintillator” technology. Thanks to our breakthrough,
you can now simply use the eye-dropper that comes in the wallet-sized Pol-tect
kit to sample your beverage, place a drop on the end of one of a disposable
test “stick”, wait 2 minutes for it to “develop”, then pull off the side of the
stick to read out the results as a color. Also detects the related poisons
thallium and lead. No American should be without a Pol-tect kit, especially
when travelling abroad!

Chan Rodgers • April 15, 2008 3:55 PM

Don’t Let Terrorists or Criminals Track You!

If you carry one of the new U.S. passports with embedded RFID chip, ANYONE can
identify you and track you in a crowd, using equipment than can be built using
instructions obtainable on the Internet, for just dollars! Terrorists and
criminals are already exploring ways of using this to pick out wealthy
Americans from the crowd as they emerge from Customs, or visit the local
tourist spot or shopping district — and particular woe to those with
diplomatic or military passports! BUT, if you slip our money-clip-like
PASS-TECT over the cover of your passport, you can block the ability of
anyone to detect, read, or modify the contents of your RFID chip. The deluxe
model even has a red LED that blinks whenever it detects radio-frequency
energy directed at it. Don’t be the one they pick out in a crowd!

Chan Rodgers • April 15, 2008 4:14 PM

When the Dirty Bomb Goes Off, Save Yourself and Your Family with the PLUT-SUIT

Planners in government agencies agree it is only a matter of time before
terrorists gather enough radioactive material to explode a “dirty bomb” in a
population center, or aerosolize deadly plutonium raised aloft using weather
balloons. The difference between survival and an agonizing death will be
determined by how much exposure you have to radioactive materials in the first
few critical hours as the area of the radiation plume is evacuated.
The PLUT-SUIT is made from rubberized material laminated with thin layers of
lead; it seals closed using air-tite zippers and the wearer breathes through
special filters. Available in 5 sizes, PLUT-SUIT provides the life-saving
margin of time you and your loved ones require to escape to safety.
With carrying bag and full documentation on DVD video.

Chan Rodgers • April 15, 2008 4:20 PM

OOPS! My apologies to AdrianJC, who also posted on the Polonium/Litvinenko idea earlier today — guess I should have read the blog FIRST before posting, eh? 🙂 Kudos to AdrianJC…

blueNote • April 15, 2008 4:25 PM

We live in uncertain times. No one knows this better than those at the vanguard of the white hot fear industry. Afraid of terrorism? No problem. For twice the premium of a term life insurance policy you can buy a policy that pays off only in the event of a terrorist related death. Global warming got you hot and bothered? Relax. EcoFloat will pump the foundation of your home with highly buoyant synthetic foam so you stay high and dry when the next 500 year flood comes. Until now, consumers were at the mercy of these cynical fear mongers. Now there’s MongerOff, a state of the art handheld that can instantly compute the probability of almost any calamity. A proprietary algorithm then uses details about you to provide a personalized buy or don’t buy recommendation on over 5000 commercially available products. Life is dangerous. Don’t get scared. Get MongerOff.

blueNote • April 15, 2008 5:03 PM

We live in uncertain times. No one knows this better than those at the vanguard of the white hot fear industry. Afraid of terrorism? No problem. For twice the premium of a term life insurance policy you can buy a policy that pays off only in the event of a terrorist related death. Global warming got you hot and bothered? Relax. EcoFloat will pump the foundation of your home with highly buoyant synthetic foam so you stay high and dry when the next 500 year flood comes. Until now, consumers were at the mercy of these cynical fear mongers. Now there’s MongerOff, a state of the art handheld that can instantly compute the probability of almost any calamity. A proprietary algorithm then uses details about you to provide a personalized buy or don’t buy recommendation on over 5000 commercially available security products. Life is dangerous. Don’t get scared. Get MongerOff.

sdr • April 15, 2008 5:03 PM

Every corporation has confidential information on paper, and he who controls the paper controls the world. Our line of SecureLemon printers uses patent pending cryptography that has been known since the days of old: your confidential data will be protected by lemon juice ink. No longer do you have to shred your confidential data, just throw it away and rest easy that the noise from other paper trash will add an extra layer of protection by hiding in plain sight. Our EAL 4+ Certification (review pending) means our printers are considered for potential usage by the Department of Defense. Our SuperSecureLemon line comes with a reading station that heats the paper evenly for full page reading and controlled burn in. Don’t buy another secure paper solution; buy a SecureLemon.

Danny • April 15, 2008 6:00 PM

BEWARE THE SEAT OF DEATH!
Cadmium and poison infested plastic toys last year were recalled from stores across the nation. The dirty secret is that they were not destroyed – they were re-molded into TOILET SEATS. The sensitive skin of your loved ones is exposed to the seat EVERY DAY and easily absorbs the highly toxic poison emanating from your toilet seat! Discoloration, disfigurement and death are the consequences! Protect your family and friends – buy our all natural toilet seat made from American Oak.

OAKRING – sit safely and naturally like your forefathers(tm).

Jay • April 15, 2008 6:15 PM

Terrorists are invading public restrooms!

Using technology created by Nicola Tesla and stolen from secret government labs terrorists have managed to remotely electrify the water in public urinals and toilets in an attempt to electrically sterilize the American populace!

By supplying jolts of high-voltage energy to your nether regions as you haplessly relieve yourself they are attempting to forcibly make you become sterile. If they can’t blow us all up, they’ll wait us out. Once the population has thinned enough they will then invade!.

Save yourself and future generations now by buying and using our new porta-john. Simply strap the porta-john to your leg with the supplied velcro straps, then secure the included funnel and tubing to the appropriate location and whamo, you can do your thing when and where you please. Simply empty the porta-john in any public restroom when required, thereby saving yourself from certain electrocution.

(not available in Delaware and the District of Columbia)

Jay • April 15, 2008 6:21 PM

Apologies to Danny who beat me to the punch… and the toilet…… He posted while i was editing…

Dan K • April 15, 2008 6:33 PM

Are you tired of TSA screeners pawing your underwear? Have you had them reach into your pants to “screen” them? Now you can have the peace of mind that comes from the TaserWear brand of wearable taser. Just prime it in the morning and any unwanted groping will be met with 100, 000 volts of pure electricity. With TaserWear you will always make your flight with your head held high.

C H Mertoff (is that anonymous enough?) • April 15, 2008 7:31 PM

Remember 9/11? Don’t let it happen to you or your loved ones!

The Department of Homeland Security’s top priority is to Protect our Nation from Dangerous People. Yet, they have been given insufficient funding to do so and require an 8% increase in budget for 2009.

Dangerous People could be slipping through security and be on the same flight as you or your loved ones. Your next flight could be another 9/11.

Don’t let this happen.

Our revolutionary TSA Approved product, The Shot puts Dangerous People in their place. Just 12 pounds and an easy to use round shape, You can stop any Dangerous Person before they have a chance to act. Yours for only $29.99, or buy a set of 4 for $99.99.

Specialist training in The Shot puts you in even more control, for an extra $499.

Protect yourself from Dangerous People and another 9/11 today.

Danny • April 15, 2008 8:35 PM

TRAFFIC LIGHT EPSILON RAYS
Across the country, more and more traffic lights are converted to LED technology. What nobody tells you is that in addition to light, these signals emit dangerous epsilon-ray radiation. The longer you need to wait at the red light, the higher the dose of epsilon rays that bombard your body and tear apart vital cells. Protect yourself and your loved ones against these tormenting rays that make waiting at a red light unbearable and that can seriously sap your health. Just spray the inside of your windshield with our REDBAN(tm) guaranteed epsilon ray filter solution that dries streak free but leaves a powerful filter that absorbs 99.98% of the harmful redlight rays!

New: Use REDBAN(tm) on your eye glasses for added protection!

Patrick W C B • April 15, 2008 9:26 PM

Brainwashed!

You cannot trust anyone, yourself included. Terrorists groups now have the capability to brainwash you into a sleeping agent for terror. They can program you to carry out suicidal acts without you realizing that your mind has been compromised.

Sign up now, for our premier program, Mind Shield, to protect your mind. Using a combination of hypnosis sessions and ‘medication’, our panel of doctors will help you protect yourself by building a protective response that will place you into a catatonic state that’s impervious to brainwashing attempts. You’ll be able to render yourself catatonic and wake yourself after the threat has passed at will!

Mind Shield has a beneficial side-effect that allows you to activate this response when your spouse starts to nag!

Biggles • April 15, 2008 11:14 PM

Are you being followed, stalked or worse? For complete peace of mind, the ‘Personal Surveillance Shield’ will track everyone around you and alert on undesirable or suspicious pursuers. The AssistMe function provides a live connection to a local rapid response intervention teams for backup when you need it!

The ‘Personal Surveillance Shield’ comes ready installed in our stylish range of handbags, shoulder bags and backpacks and can also be custom installed.
Data collected by tiny concealed cameras of the ‘Personal Surveillance Shield’ is full admissible in court.

The ‘Personal Surveillance Shield’ is upgradable to the ‘Personal Space Enforcer’ at anytime.

Siguiriya • April 16, 2008 12:12 AM

“Every year hundreds of people suffer terrible deaths from burning or drowning when they can’t unbuckle their seat belts after a car accident. Now, an exciting new product, Saf-T-Lube, removes that risk. Saf-T-Lube contains patented high-tech nanoparticles suspended in liquid Teflon. Just a drop a month lubricates and polishes the seat belt buckle mechanism, ensuring a quick release when you need it most. Protect yourself and your family from a needless, horrible death. Order Saf-T-Lube today. Only $29.95 for an 8 oz. bottle with specially-designed applicator tip.”

Siguiriya • April 16, 2008 12:49 AM

Worried about having a heart attack? Who isn’t! It’s the number one killer in America today. But with our exciting new instructional DVD you’ll no longer have to fear a heart attack.

Recently discovered ancient texts have revealed the lost secret of Self CPR. Using the techniques taught in our DVD you’ll learn how to perform CPR on yourself — even if you have to drive yourself to the hospital!

So don’t delay. Order our “Self CPR Secrets of the Ancients” instructional DVD today. The life you save will be yours.

Alain Hautdidier • April 16, 2008 2:52 AM

BEWARE!
Why are are all these people running away while you don’t. The big tiger escaped from the zoo is more than looming, it is no doubt charging, and obviously at you.
Not being afraid is very dangerous for your health.
There are also so many other things you should be afraid of.
You can’t stay anymore so vunerable.
Each morning at breakfast take a spoonfull of ANXIOJAM and be terrified for the rest of the day.
Remember : BE AFRAID.

ANXIOJAM exists in two flavours: orange and banana.

BarbaraR • April 16, 2008 3:30 AM

BETTER SAFE THAN SORRY!
TRUST your loved ones? Truth is you are more likely to be killed by family members than strangers. LOVED one slipping into dementia, psychosis etc? NOW ensure your safety by ordering our NORMALITY MONITOR!! One simple form establishes normal behaviour and we monitor your loved ones for DANGEROUS DEVIATIONS! Easy monthly payments.

Blues Doctor • April 16, 2008 4:11 AM

They are watching you. Watch Back!

Governments, corporations and private citizens are increasingly targeting you with cameras, microphones and internet attacks. Can you be sure that a police officer will present unbiased testimony after pulling you over and finding something he didn’t like? What about your ex-wife promising to pick up the kids at 12, then showing up at 10 and claiming that you violated the agreement?

With WatchBack keyfob (available in cephalopod and dragon shapes) you can record all of those things that people wish they had never said!

Alternatively buy our WatchBack lapel pins with built-in camera. All WatchBack devices have a 20 minute audio and video memory. Wireless transmission to base station optional.

Don’t be a victim anymore! Contact us today and we’ll send you testimonials from satisfied customers who have benefited from the restored power over their lives that this device has provided!!!

Philly • April 16, 2008 8:05 AM

Pounding heart, soaring blood pressure, arteries stretched to the bursting point, and a nervous system on the brink of collapse. These are but some of the devastating effects of fear on the body. Our modern world, full of terrorists, serial killers, global warming, and trans fats, is a virtual breeding ground of anxiety and dread.

Are you afraid of fear? Does the mere thought of being frightened terrify you? The simple solution is the revolutionary new product, Fear-Less. Using patented nano technology, Fear-Less delivers a controlled, targeted dose of our exclusive worry blocker formula directly to the amygdala, the infamous “axis of fear” within the brain. Within seconds, apprehension and trepidation will just melt away. Easy to use, simply sprinkle on oatmeal or stir into coffee or juice. Parents: Safe for kids and pets when used as directed.

Remember: “Fear comes in many guises – with new Fear-Less there’s no surprises.”

tater • April 16, 2008 8:51 AM

Dr Watson, I Presume? – Not so quick!

Thanks to the RFID chips embedded in passports and other forms of ID, government agents can now check your identity from across the room. Do you know who else can? Neither do we – and that’s the problem. But with the NewYou Identity Security system, you take control. Just put your passport and other ID documents n our patented pouch (wallet and handbag versions available) and the bag will project the ID of your choice to whomever might be snooping. You control the identity projected, so you can be Fred Flinstone, James Bond or Marilyn Monroe to anyone trying to poach your details.

Geo Roam • April 16, 2008 8:55 AM

Insidious! Unseen, unheard – virtually undetectable! Silently infiltrating your body, nanoparticles cannot be stopped – until now! Why suffer the pain of a slow and agonizing death, when for only $1.99 per square foot, NanoWall material can stop nanoparticles in their tracks! Use it to make surgical masks, overalls – even wrap your entire house! Available NOW! Hurry before it’s too late!

jcsb • April 16, 2008 1:13 PM

Did you know that identity theft still occurs?

Your personal information has been made secure by the recent global legislation requiring all financial transactions to be authenticated by fingerprint. The thieves have again caught up with technology and are removing fingers to get the cash!

PROTECT-A-PRINT(tm) is a kevlar and chain mail finger protector that really works. An RFID-controlled closure allows law enforcement the ability to remove the device in order to obtain fingerprints. For frequent flyers, a TSA-approved version is also available so that you can safely give them the finger.

Markitect • April 16, 2008 1:23 PM

Black Holes, they devour planets in seconds and thanks to the new Large Hadron Collider this threat is closer to home then ever before. DON’T BE CAUGHT OFF GUARD. For just 29.95 plus shipping and handling you can own your very own gravitational anomaly detector. Using our high precision rotating needle with specially weighted counterbalance our detector not only detects black holes, but gives precise measurements of their strength and distance.

Simon Green • April 16, 2008 2:18 PM

Television reports show an alarming increase in laptop computer battery fires. Fires caused by high-power lithium batteries are extremely potent, and have been blamed for many serious injuries.

Don’t think it can’t happen to you — wear a BatMat.

Our BatMat’s patented wings are made from 100% hypoallergenic silicone, and hang down each side of your lap. Should the unthinkable happen, and your laptop suddenly become a raging fireball threatening to consume you and the aircraft you sit on, simply reach out and fold the wings over the laptop, instantly smothering even the hottest battery fire!

Protect your lap. Get a BatMat.

Chad Edgecliff • April 16, 2008 2:37 PM

HOMELAND SECURITY FOR YOUR WALLET

Nine out of ten security experts agree: unprotected credit cards can lead to unwanted charges, identity theft, or worse.

The Card-Safe System is the way to triple protect your credit cards. Only the Card-Safe System gives you the 3 essential tools for locking down your wallet:

Card-Safe Account Protector-this specially designed gavel uses kinetic energy to remove the embossed account number from your credit cards forever!

Card-Safe Signature Security-now you can prevent unwanted viewing of your signature. Our patented Liquid Panel fluid dries quickly and allows you to sign your card over and over, however you wish!

Card-Safe Stripe Eraser-for maximum protection. The Stripe Eraser ferromagnetic pen lets you stop thieves in their tracks with just one easy swipe!

Only $299.99 gets you a lifetime of protection and piece of mind! Order today! You and your family deserve the best!

Lisbete Olvera • April 16, 2008 4:43 PM

Imagine yourself deep in prayer during Sunday service, when all of a sudden a child starts crying. The good word is muffled by the screeches of the baby and the priest’s message- ruined. If this were your child you’d have to step outside, embarrassed at the disturbance you’d caused, and would miss most of the service. What if there was a way to avoid your embarrassment, to stay during services, while still tending to your child if he/she is crying? The solution is simple: the Baby Mask. When your child becomes cranky and begins to cry, simply strap on the Baby Mask and soothe him/her until they calm down. The Baby Mask releases safe, soothing gases that are breathable. The Baby Mask lets you enjoy your child without being smothered with unwanted attention.

Lisbete Olvera • April 16, 2008 5:07 PM

Don’t be afraid to say no to someone who is in need. When you want to lend a cell phone and you are afraid of being disliked if you reject the favor, or if you distrust the one who is in distress, then there is a solution to your dilemma. Use the Cell Phone Chain! The Cell Phone Chain is a compact, strong, and retractable chain, which gives you the security to let someone borrow your cell phone for an emergency and doesn’t make you look like a jerk.

Carleton Whitney • April 16, 2008 5:57 PM

[Just saw this infomercial on late night TV…]

TEACH ME TO BE SAFE ONLINE!

It’s dangerous out there on the Internet. Millions of people in faraway places like Russia, China, and Nigeria ALREADY know your Internet passwords! Many Americans just like you want to know how to protect your computer, your home and your loved ones from foreign threats.

Worry no more! The TEACH ME TO BE SAFE ONLINE course shows you how to get safe and secure passwords that are 100% Made In The USA!

Once you’ve completed your training at our seminars, you wil be given access to the special AMERIPASS website. Our secret database contains thousands of passwords that are guaranteed to be easy to use. All you have to do is type in the website name and your user ID. AMERIPASS does the rest! Best of all, all our passwords are proudly Made In The USA!

Call now and reserve your space. Your local seminar is filling up quickly!

Jonnie B NZ • April 16, 2008 6:05 PM 

                 Global Warming
                 Ozone whole
                 Bird Flu

Will brid flu strike? and how will you know? You need to take Tamiflu within 24 hours of the symptoms, but is it a sneeze or is it really bird flu?
We are all aware of the unseen dangers, from an increase in UV radiation through global warming and the ozone whole. Modern science has made us well aware of hidden unseen dangers such as bird flu, ebola and anthrax.

        TRY PROTECT ME TABS

A simple strip can be worn on the wrist, sown onto garments, carried in your bag. Now with the right ‘Protect me strips’ you can be alerted when these unseen terrors grow and take action!
EMPOWER YORSELF
TAKE ACTION

Strips change colour depending on the threat level, giving you a clear and easy warning sign of danger. See our extensive range of ‘Protect me strips’ at our web site!

Andrey Fedorov • April 16, 2008 7:24 PM

Even with the most vigilant supervision, a child can be snatched up by a variety of predators. A prevalent way for tracking missing children is a lengthy effort to triangulate of their cell phone, which involves bureaucratic coordination between their wireless provider, the police, and sometimes even the judicial system. When every second counts, our CellCecure software can give you access to a secured cell’s location instantaneously (not in days or weeks), and with much better precision than cell tower triangulation. The software costs nothing to install, but is priceless in case the unthinkable happens.

Our charges are on a per-incident basis: using our simple web interface, you gain immediate access to the last 72 hours of logged locations of a secured cell phone for $99. When requested by our customers, we will always work closely with law authorities, providing any additional information they might need.

(this will be even more popular when GPS + internet enabled phones become more prevalent, and will also be very popular among jealous husbands)

Albert Mao • April 17, 2008 1:20 AM

Could dangerous antibiotic-resistant bacteria be multiplying in your kitchen at this very moment? Researchers have discovered that nearly 10% of pork chops in grocery stores are colonized by methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus (MRSA), a flesh-eating bacteria which also causes deadly bloodstream infections.

Give your family the strongest possible protection by using Vanquipenem(tm) kitchenware. Every ounce of material that goes into Vanquipenem(tm) utensils, dishes, plates, knives, cutting boards, countertops, and tablecloths is infused with vancomycin and meropenem using our patented technology. These antibiotics, normally used in leading research hospitals, are so powerful they destroy nearly all disease-causing bacteria in existence, even resistant superbugs like MRSA.

A recent CDC study found that deaths from MRSA infections have increased by over 50% in five years. Do not underestimate the threat these invisible killers pose to your family. Make your kitchen and dining room bacteria-free by switching to Vanquipenem(tm) kitchenware today.

Kaplaa • April 17, 2008 6:50 AM

A True Fact: Most deaths of Americans are related to obesity. Why? Because we eat too fast for our body to tell us when to stop! Did you know that your appestat was designed for the leisurely meals of the Neanderthals? In the modern world, you need an early warning against eating too much fat. That is why noted dietitian Dr. Quincy Quakely invented the FatStopper. The FatStopper looks like a retainer, but is really a sophisticated device that uses Quarks to actively measure the fat content of food passing between your teeth. Too much cheesecake, and a mild electrical shock is delivered to the roof of your mouth. To live a long, healthy life, buy the FatStopper! Just 12 easy payment of 29.95.

Holger Hellmuth • April 17, 2008 10:24 AM

Do you believe in God, Allah, Buddha, Vishnu? What happens if you are wrong? You are damned and could even experience a millenia of hurt in some version of hell. Or get reincarnated as a cockroach. Not to worry, we have the solution: Pantheo-Prayer translates your prayers in real time to the 8 most successful religions on earth, giving you a 95% chance to be one of the chosen when armageddon starts. Don’t guess, get eternal safety with Pantheo-Prayer.

Stonie • April 17, 2008 10:41 AM

When did you order your last Pizza? How long since you had Chinese food? You invite people you don’t know to come to your home and you eat what they serve you. Can you trust these people, often from abroad, not to poison your food and come back at night to steal from you or do things even worse to your family?

Now it is easy to be sure: For just $ 4.95 per month the DB³ (Delivery Boy Don’t Burgle DataBase) will keep a copy of every order you place. Just register and inform DB³ of every order immediately via Internet or SMS. Whatever happens, police knows who to visit the very next morning!

You will receive a doorplate and flyers to inform every criminal that you are not the victim he is searching for. Sign up for the DB³ service today and protect the ones you love!

Drives • April 17, 2008 12:21 PM

Your computer is at risk!
The data on your computer’s hard drive can be deleted after just a moment’s contact with regularly available magnets. It is scientifically impossible to recover the data on a hard drive that has been removed in this fashion.
Keep your data safe! Buy our special lead shielding that completely surrounds your hard drive and is guaranteed to protect the data on your computer forever.
Guaranteed to work with regular or flash drives, or your money back.

Rosalind Macdonald • April 17, 2008 1:06 PM

Safe Dad, Scared Dad

Coming soon, from the author of the best seller Rich Dad, Poor Dad, a new book that shows you how to stay safe from terror.

Robert Kiyosaki spent his childhood living in constant fear of terror. Why? His Dad, while highly educated and hard-working, did not take even the most basic steps towards securing his family against terror. “Scared Dad” was held back by his well-meaning but misguided middle class beliefs.

Fortunately for Robert–and readers of Safe Dad, Scared Dad!–he had a better role model. A friend’s father, despite having minimal education and prospects, always felt safe and secure. “Safe Dad” knew how to make homeland security programs work FOR him, rather than AGAINST him.

Now YOU can learn how to take advantage of all the things Scared Dad didn’t realize were benefiting him: airport shoe inspections, national ID cards, secret wiretapping, and more! All in SAFE DAD, SCARED DAD. Pre-order today!

Jimbo • April 17, 2008 5:05 PM

Serial Killers–they are real and want to target our women.

Most serial killers target their victims based upon gender. Cutting your hair and emulating 5-o’clock shadow with make-up may not be enough! That’s why your favorite female needs the Dude-ster, America’s first security-oriented Crotch to Groin prosthetic lump. Order now and receive Chest-Flat straps for free!

Tait • April 17, 2008 6:35 PM

Every month, severe injuries, ruined lives and even death happen when a necktie is caught in a machine, dipped in a hazardous chemical or set alight by an errant spark. If you wear a tie to work or socially, you are at risk. Even clip on ties can be dipped in poisonous chemicals that are found in every workplace. These chemicals will rub on your family when they hug you at home, killing them horrifically right before your eyes. You can spare yourself and your family with the TieDefender(TM). It slips inside of a variety of common necktie knots and combines a strain gauge (to prevent choking) thermal sensor (to prevent fire), and hazardous chemical detectors with a tiny guillotine. At the first sign of injury, the guillotine activates and removes the tie. This is a product you and your family cannot afford to miss.

cmylog • April 17, 2008 6:48 PM

Afraid of writing down your passwords, accounts, pass codes, secret messages? Afraid to forget them if your memory plays on you? Afraid to loose that piece of paper or the sight of the personal diary?
The solution is a free application for your mobile handset: 2clog!
http://2clog.net
It will encrypt whatever data you need and store it on the go, with you, on your mobile. Access to your data is password protected.

Phoenix • April 17, 2008 7:03 PM

Don’t count on TSA to keep you safe in the air. They are too busy taking away your hand moisturizers and perfumes, let alone protect us in the air. Did you know your airplane can be made to explode in mid-air by introducing just a few scratches in some critical places? And they don’t even need a bomb to do that! What happens when you become the unlucky victim of a mid-air terrorist attack? If you believe TSA is going to safe your ass, then you are done for. Introducing our new LOW PROFILE HIGH ALTITUDE THERMO/OXYGEN SUPPLY/PARACHUTE (TOP) MIDAIR DISASTER SURVIVAL PACK! Proven for up to 40000ft and -50C temperature. Able to land anywhere on Earth, float on water, keep you warm for as long as 72 hours, with GPS rescue beacon. Weights only 3kg, for $999.99 you can have the ultimate safety, in your own hand, guaranteed.

p.s. the above, both movie-plot risk and merchandise, are technical very feasible to aciheve

Anders • April 18, 2008 5:04 AM

The Crime in Progress Detector

Never be a unaware of cime! A criminal could be heading your way right now!
Your neighbourhood might appear perfectly safe, but there might be a Crime in progress just around the corner. There is no way of knowing. Until now.
The revolutionary Crime in Progress Detector, CIP-Dec, monitors all emergency calls made to 112 and automatically alerts you if the call is made from within a 50 km radius from your home.
Remember, a criminal 50 kilometers away could be breaking thruough your front door in less than 30 minutes.
The CIP-Dec is so small enought to fit on your wrist, and emits an audiovisual signal that’s near impossible to miss. The deluxe version also induces a small electric shock to your body, sufficient to wake you up every time you are threatened at night.
Never be unaware again!

Dave • April 18, 2008 9:26 AM

Is your TV making you blind?

Every minute that you watch television, your TV blasts waves of dangerous electromagnetic radiation directly at your eyes – the same radiation fired by high powered lasers that can cut through metal, burn wood, and blind you! Already, more than 10 million Americans suffer from blindness and other visual impairments related to this deadly radiation. Don’t sit back and watch while your television makes you go blind! For just $19.99, you can purchase RadiaStop. This stylish nylon sleeve is available in three sizes to fit your TV, and is guaranteed for life to block over 98% of the electromagnetic radiation from reaching your eyes. Your vision is worth it – Call now!

Russell Whyte • April 18, 2008 12:42 PM

Personal security is a common concern in our society. Between rising crime rates and the ever-present threat of terrorist attacks you can never be too prepared to defend yourself. But there are only so many preparations you can realistically make. How many items can you carry on your belt?

This is no longer a problem with the iTaser – the first comprehensive PDA/Cell Phone/MP3 Player/Personal Less-Lethal Defensive System. Using the easy-access touch screen, simply tap on the tase icon located in the upper right corner, aim at your attacker and count to 3. With an introductory cost of $1199.99 they’re sure to sell out quickly. After all, how much is your life worth to you?

KnockRing • April 18, 2008 12:42 PM

Filling up your car at the gas station has always been risky because of volatile fumes. Remember all those warning signs? What you haven’t been told is that the danger for catastrophic explosion has increased dramatically because of government- mandated addition of ETHANOL to all grades of gasoline, from regular to premium.

It isn’t just smokers who are in danger anymore! The lower flash point of ethanol means that anything with a battery: cell phone, car key remote, GPS — even a pacemaker — can cause a disastrous spark. Protect yourself and your family with Fume Alert, a tiny, self adhesive device that mounts on the inside of your vehicle’s gas cap door and emits a shrill alarm if fumes reach dangerous levels. Never was so much peace of mind found in such a small, inexpensive package!

CPM • April 18, 2008 1:33 PM

PRESS RELEASE: Inkjet printers serious biohazard.

Recent research carried out by the University of London and the University of Michigan has confirmed that fumes released by inkjet printers are a serious health risk.

According to Prof. Harvey-Plunkett at the London Univeristy School of Medicine, homes are most at risk. “Have you ever smelled a recently-printed page from common inkjet printers?” he asks. “Homes are usually smaller than businesses so the fumes don’t diffuse into the atmosphere and can build up to toxic levels”.

The two universities have launched a company that sells HPvk, a range of patent-pending home venting kits for inkjet printers. Typical models start at $199 and basically wrap the printer in an hermetically sealed, hypoallergenic plastic bubble. Visit HPvk.com immediately to buy yours. Don’t delay – you could injure your family.

Hakariki • April 18, 2008 5:00 PM

When fear strikes!

Did you know that fear is the number 1 killer in America? But now there is a way to arm yourself against this lurking danger. Sane corp. presents the Anti Fear Teddy Bear.

The Anti Fear Teddy Bear comes fully equipped, assembled and ready to combat phobia. It’s freedom arms guard against the strangling claws of terror. It’s patriot filled eyes have axiety killing rays.

But when you are truly serious about your family’s wellfare then there is the Anti Fear Teddy Bear upgrade kit. Now your friend under fire will have trepidation tearing teeth.

Test have shown that this product reduces fear 101%.

You can now live your life free of fear. You know what is the right thing to do.

Order now. Safety guaranteed!*

  • not guaranteed

Dave • April 18, 2008 7:23 PM

This year’s spring season will bring more than annoying pollen and allergies. There is a silent menace on the way, and we will be powerless to stop it. The threat is a potent chemical called “O2”. It’s powerful enough to corrode metal. It’s a leading cause in over 78% of house fires. And its toxic effects include nausea, lung damage, and convulsions. A recent study has identified over 120 species of plants in your local area that release large amounts of O2 into the atmosphere, and scientists predict that by the end of the year, O2 levels in your city will reach over 200,000 parts per million.

Fortunately, there’s a solution: LifeSeal™. Just fit the comfortable plastic sac over your head, secure the elastic neck bands, and you’ll be protected by an airtight bubble of safety. Don’t give in to the threat of O2. Seal your fate with LifeSeal™!

Personal Logging GPS • April 19, 2008 3:04 AM

Are you already a victim of identity theft? Is your privacy already compromised? You might not know until it is too late! A Personal Logging GPS can protect you from harm*.

The Personal Logging GPS records your movements precisely, so you can defend yourself against fraudulent use of your identity. The Personal Logging GPS automatically uploads data to the central server so you are guaranteed that the data is protected. You can refute baseless accusations when you unassailably prove your location. If your credit card was already skimmed, your investment in a Personal Logging GPS could pay off in a single transaction.

The Personal Logging GPS is no larger than a cell phone, and slips easily into your pocket, your briefcase or your car’s glovebox.

*Batteries and extended memory pack not included.

I like the idea of protecting people’s identity by recording their every movement on a server outside of their control 🙂

Luis M. • April 19, 2008 6:39 AM

Most women are unaware of the risks related to urination. Whenever you use a public toilet, you are exposed to bacteria that may cause serious disease and urinary tract infection. Your children may have been infected already.

Bacteria is everywhere, door handles, soap dispensers, toilet seats, paper rolls, hand dryers, seat lids, or even in the air. According to the WHO, urinary tract infection accounts for more than 9 million doctor visits in the US and about $1.8 billion in health costs each year. In a world where you just cannot control who uses what, you need to take measures for your own safety. With SafeToilet(TM) you and your kids will never have to worry about public toilets.

SafeToilet Kit costs $3 and contains:
1 seat cover.
1 glove.
1 nurse mask.
1 anti-bacterial hand sanitizer.
1 mini paper roll

Protect yourself against bacteria with SafeToilet.

Mango Monkey • April 20, 2008 7:38 AM

And just when you thought it was safe to go back in a public washroom.

In March 2000 – Republican Councilman Joey DeFatta propositioned an undercover policeman for sex at Dillards, Lakeside Shopping Centre. In June 2007 – Republican Senator Larry Craig was arrested for “disorderly conduct” while soliciting for sex in a toilet at Minneapolis-St Paul International Airport.

YOU could be the next victim of republican sexual harassment.

Wear LIBRUL SPECTACLES to the public washroom and it will analyze incoming video and audio, such as toe tapping and bag placement indicators, using our patented algorithms to decide if YOU are at risk of sexual malfeasance from republican office holders. If such threat is imminent, LIBRUL SPECTACLES will record your encounter and our patented embedded audio speakers will issue timely deterrents.

LIBRUL SPECTACLES – Stylish, convenient and safe for $79.99

Because Republicans in Government are the greatest threat to YOUR safety.

Dan Crowley • April 20, 2008 12:19 PM

Can you be sure that your elderly parent or friend is not drowning in their bathtub RIGHT NOW, wishing that you were there to help them?

Now you don’t have to lose any more sleep about it. There’s a wonderful new product designed to prevent this horrible fate and protect your loved ones. SafeChair(tm) is a product which positions the body in a safe and comfortable way within the bathtub and makes it easy to get in and out safely. It comes with a ribbed seat and slip-proof handles to ensure safety. And kids love it too!

SafeChair(tm). Because everyone deserves to relax.

Rory • April 20, 2008 4:16 PM

One of the most lethal compounds in the world is the dreaded oxygen dihydride. Every year, millions of people get diseases carried along by this chemical. And inhalation can kill within minutes. Worse yet, global warming is threatening to release billions of tons more of this chemical, currently stored safely in the polar ice caps.

Protect yourself against attacks by this chemical. Buy the Jiffo oxygen dihydride containment system. Consisting of large rectangular blocks of a cellulosic spongiform absorbers, you can pick up more than 20 times its weight in oxygen dihydride. And they’re reusable! Merely squeeze the engorged absorber over a suitable disposal area (e.g., the drain), and it’s ready to contain even more of this hazardous chemical.

Only $300 per cubic foot. Note: to avoid confiscation by authorities too afraid to fight this rising menace, the blockers will be disguised as “sponges.” But they’re so much more!

149 words

Rory • April 20, 2008 4:24 PM

One of the most lethal compounds in the world is the dreaded oxygen dihydride. Every year, millions of people get diseases carried along by this chemical. And inhalation can kill within minutes. Worse yet, global warming is threatening to release billions of tons more of this chemical, currently stored safely in the polar ice caps.

Protect yourself against attacks by this chemical. Buy the Jiffo oxygen dihydride containment system. Consisting of large rectangular blocks of cellulosic spongiform absorbers, it picks up more than 20 times its weight in oxygen dihydride. And it’s reusable! Merely squeeze the engorged absorber over a suitable disposal area (e.g., the drain), and it’s ready to contain even more of this hazardous chemical.

Only $300 per cubic foot. Note: to avoid confiscation by authorities too afraid to fight this rising menace, the blocks will be shipped disguised as “sponges.” But they’re so much more!

same as before, but without the typos (and 148 words now)

Neut • April 21, 2008 1:54 AM

My entry for the threat contest:

Surveillance cameras protect our safety 24/7 in a lot of places, but what if some stranger looking like you committed a crime in plain view of one? And what if you were not among friends at the time, and have no one to testify you were somewhere else?
Our Alibi Anywhere cell phone has a built in camera with retinal scan capability and a fingerprint scanner that allow you to store proof of your identity and whereabouts on our servers whenever you are alone. Strong encryption provides further authentication and protects your privacy. Need proof that it wasn’t you on camera? Hand over your personal Alibi Anywhere key to the police, and they can unlock your alibi in seconds.

Neut • April 21, 2008 2:45 AM

Oops, should have checked the other entries before posting. The I would have found ALIBUY in time.

Anders • April 21, 2008 8:52 AM

Are you having breakfast with a killer?

Can you really trust the man across the dinner table? No! In fact he is the most likely person to kill you!
Scientific research shows that a vast majority of all murder victims are killed by a family member or “friend” of the family!
But finally there is a way to outsmart them.
Our “Domestic Survival” computer program use the real life data of more than 1.500 killers to judge the risk you are in. All you need to do is enter any persons preferences regarding food, clothing, toothpaste and cars, as well as sleeping patterns and other personal traits, and the system will automatically compute how closely related that person’s behaviour is to a known murderer.
It will even tell you how that murderer killed his victim, leaving you the opportunity to strike first.
Trust is good, but science is safe!

FriedApe • April 21, 2008 10:26 AM

If you are alone or it is late, have you ever wondered who is behind you? Looking back or around tells everyone that you are afraid, but not looking may make you vulnerable. The solution is here in personal Backwards Radar the BR-own Eye. A simple fitment to outdoor clothing with a small battery-powered proximity sensor gives you peace of mind and time to be prepared. Never be sneaked-up on again. When your Brown Eye squeaks, you know you are in trouble.

zooecium • April 21, 2008 11:44 AM

“…The only thing to fear is fear itself …” said President Franklin D. Roosevelt in his 1933 inaugural. The differences today are the quantity and quality of our fears. Everything from what is in our closet that can kill us (news at 11) to wars and pandemics. If it is not a threat from a foreign country it is our own elected officials stealing from our wallets and taking our constitutional rights away. Whatever it is that tips your fear monitor into the red zone the folks at LOran, BOnner, and TOMaY will remove all your fears. After your consultation with LOran, BOnner, and TOMaY you will be but a single step away from absolute peace of mind.
When your fears overcome your better judgment and you want to leave them all behind, just remember LO, BO, TOMY can be your final solution for all your fears.

Vince Diaz • April 21, 2008 1:31 PM

Hey sports fans! Ever think about WHO or WHAT was in your seat before you sat down?

We’re not just talking about shielding yourself from stale beer and crusty nacho sauce. Everybody knows stadiums and arenas are popular targets for terrorists! Do you want YOUR kids to sit on anthrax, ricin, or worse?

Only the StadiumSafe Seat Shield protects you and your family from sitting in ALL dangerous materials in ANY publicly accessible seat.

StadiumSafe is easy to use. Just pull up and pull down on a Seat Shield and it pops right out of the convenient Family Pack, ready for use. And one size fits all!

StadiumSafe is high quality. Each Seat Shield is made in the USA from premium non-toxic waxed paper.

StadiumSafe is versatile. Seat Shields can be used anywhere you want to be protected, from the bleachers to the boardroom!

Why not pick up a Family Pack today? Now available at your local supermarket and office supply store!

Anonymous • April 21, 2008 2:39 PM

“…The only thing to fear is fear itself …” said President Franklin D. Roosevelt in his 1933 inaugural. The differences today are the quantity and quality of our fears. Everything from what is in our closet that can kill us (news at 11) to wars and pandemics. If it is not a threat from a foreign country it is our own elected officials stealing from our wallets and taking our constitutional rights away. Whatever it is that tips your fear monitor into the red zone the folks at LOran, BOnner, and TOMaY will remove all your fears. After your consultation with LOran, BOnner, and TOMaY you will be but a single step away from absolute peace of mind.
When your fears overcome your better judgment and you want to leave them all behind, just remember LO, BO, TOMY can be your final solution for all your fears.

nonlethaljoystick • April 21, 2008 4:18 PM

Traveling overseas ? Prepare yourself with our Resisting Torture video game® starter pack !
For only $199, our starter pack includes the module Pirates of Somalia® and the necessary Non-Lethal Joystick© featuring ultimate non-lethal weapon aimed at your skin and senses. Sense burning microwave, blinding rays and deafening sound when virtually hurt or virtually shot !

GSA of Tuantanamo®, Aaliban of Tfghanistan®, Jakusa of Yapan®, GSB of Frozny®, IhinBet of Ssrael®, and TIA of Cazmamart® are optional modules available at $99 each, built with ultimate insider information. Buy two for $149 only !

You won’t fear again being tortured, when traveling, or by department of homeland security.

The Non-Lethal Joystick© is compatible with most popular video games on latest consoles, and, when you are shot or hurt, it let you feel real pain, instead of coloring your screen with red.

Leon Lauro • April 21, 2008 4:32 PM

Every traveler’s worst nightmare is happening again and it’s happening to YOU. The terrorist hijackers are looking at everybody’s passports. All the Americans are being forcibly moved to the back of the plane. What do you do? WHAT DO YOU DO?

You need the new X-Port Passport Cover. Just insert your risky US passport into the X-Port. That’s it! You’re good to go. Terrorists will have no idea you’re American! X-Port Passport Covers feature realistic reproductions of virtually all UN member country passports. Choose from over 190 different passport covers!

Now they’ll think you’re Canadian, Swiss, or Swedish. Or just about any “safe” nationality you can think of! It’s your choice. And what is more American than free choice?

Don’t let the terrorists win. Order the X-Port Passport Cover today! You and your children deserve to live!

Swampoholic • April 22, 2008 1:53 PM

Do you know where your money is? The government does!
Recent decisions by the Supreme Court may lead the US government to confiscate your bank account to pay off the national debt! The debt is now over $9 TRILLION! The government has realized it can’t possibly repay such a large amount and politicians have anonymously acknowledged the need to invoke EMINENT DOMAIN over citizens’ bank accounts. Protect your account now with Cash Cloaker! This highly secure system will transfer the money in your bank accounts to locations outside the US where the government can’t take it. Simply sign in to Cash Cloaker and input your bank accounts. Your money will be automatically transferred to a bank in Switzerland using 1,000 bit encryption. You can still use your existing bank accounts; Cash Cloaker is totally transparent and secure! Act now before the politicians do!

techmichelle • April 22, 2008 3:36 PM

Before moving the National Bio-and Agro-Defense Facility, you need our product. Our contagious animal diseases scanner will assure that an accidental laboratory release does not happen.

Our unique system when deployed around the current facility will scan all out going personal, boxes, equipment, and furniture. Our movable scanner will assure compliance while the laboratory is in transit to its new location. I am sure you will also be interested in our long term contagious animal diseases scanner for your new facility in Manhatten, Kansas, as the simulated outbreak “Crimson Sky” exercise ended with tens of millions of farm animals being killed which triggered protests amid food shortages in some cities.

Timing is everything, it was to packaged to pass up. http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080411/ap_on_go_pr_wh/animal_disease arrived April 11th, and your newsletter arrived April 15th.

Gil Hamilton • April 23, 2008 4:47 PM

Have you ever worried about leaving your child at day care?
We don’t blame you. We’ve been watching the news too, and have looked on
in horror as story after story of child abuse or abduction unfolds. There
is no safe place for your little ones, because statistics actually show
that most child molestation is perpetrated by close relatives.
But now you can rest easy with the new ToddlerChastity(TM) belt. Coming in
seven attractive color combinations, these totally tamperproof belts cover
your toddler’s private parts, and only you hold the key!
Why did the vikings trust chastity belts to keep their wives on the
straight and narrow? Simply because there’s no way around them!
ToddlerChastity(TM)’s clever design makes for easy cleaning, even without
the key. Perfectly hygienic, especially for babies. Optional GPS-tracking
model available for recovering your loved ones in case of abduction.

Matt Pidd-Cheshire • April 23, 2008 7:26 PM

Are you afraid? Do you ever walk around outside your house? With all the class
action lawsuits going on, do you ever worry about being worried? Fear fear
no more!
With new Capabloxim you need never fear fear. As F.D.Roosevelt once said: “The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself.”
With Capabloxim F.D.R. would have been as cool as the Buddha (and better dressed, of course.) Don’t delay! Change your mind, not the world!

A blog reader • April 23, 2008 11:12 PM

In today’s work or school environment, even a mutually consensual hug could be a recipe for disaster. Innocent hugging could lead to claims of harassment or worse. Furthermore, disallowing hugs is an important way to convey authority. The Shrugs-Not-Hugs™ system uses surveillance cameras and refined behavior-recognition technology to quickly detect hugs. An individual can be automatically notified when a hug is detected. With the optional facial-recognition feature, the system can attempt to identify and record the perpetrators for each detected hug. In an age where fearfulness, zero-tolerance policies, and suspicion is as important as fire alarms, school principals and business managers can’t afford to be without the Shrugs-Not-Hugs™ system.

Anders • April 24, 2008 2:30 AM

Earlier I posted the “Crime in Progress Detector”, where the basic idea was to maximize fear by adding as much “real” alarm input as possible (same principle as the news, really). As usual reality beats fiction, Honda’s combining GPS with crime statistics in their cars. How can you ever feel safe when your car constantly reminds you that you’re surrounded by criminals?
http://inventorspot.com/articles/honda_navigation_system_warns_high_crime_areas_12959

Stephen Oman • April 24, 2008 3:39 AM

You are under biological attack right now!

Another human body is home to billions of biological pathogens, all waiting for their chance to attack you and your loved ones. Sex, hugs, kisses, shaking hands, even being in the same room gives these viruses and bacteria the opportunity they need to invade your body.

Protect your loved ones and yourself with our new, patented, complete anti-viral, anti-bacterial body suit. SartreSuit™ has a unique thin polymer fabric that covers your body like a second skin. Specially treated with organic chemicals, the SartreSuit™ allows your skin to breathe while preventing all unwanted intrusions. Comes complete with full head mask and breathing filters.

SartreSuit™ is available in four colours and from S to XXXL sizes, our prices start at a reasonable $64.99 each. Call today and get two for the unbelievable price of $99.99!

SartreSuit™: Buy today; buy quickly; because “hell is other people”.

Phil • April 24, 2008 4:46 AM

Is your PC tired and lacking that get up and go it had when new?
Recent studies show that one in three PCs are suffering from ill heath.
Subscribe now to the “Online Medicine cabinet” and choose from a range of industry proven remedies, that can help improve your PCs general well being.
Subscribe now for $199 a year and get free daily digital vitamins.
Homeopathic remedies are available at extra cost.

Phil • April 24, 2008 5:00 AM

Are you a free thinker? Do you have unconventional thoughts?
Then BEWARE!!!! Web sites like this may be there to trap you!
I know they seem like harmless fun, but think about what you are reveling about you, your location and the type of computer hardware you use!
For truly untraceable one way communication use a mailbox!

Phil • April 24, 2008 5:41 AM

55% of passwords can be cracked within a day!
Are you worried that your passwords are not secure?
For a free assessment of the security of your password, submit the password and the site URL and receive an expert vetted report to you email address within 24 hours.
Act now and secure you confidential information.

Dean • April 24, 2008 8:11 AM

Third Annual Movie Plot:
Getting on an airplane today is risky. Have you looked at the faces in the seats around you and wondered; “Does he look suspicious? Is she acting strange?” How can you know if it’s safe before it’s too late? Introducing SPOTCHECK.com the service that gives you that peace of mind. As you enter the plane, use your cell phone camera to record pictures of any questionable travelers. Upload them to our secure website where our state of the art facial recognition system compares them to an extensive database of terrorists and criminals. Spotcheck is so fast; you’ll have answers before the cabin door closes. You’ll have the knowledge to relax or take necessary action.

If Spotcheck matches a terrorist, we automatically notify the homeland security and place you on our Spotcheck patriot page to recognize you for helping keep travel safe. Log on today for a demo and trial offer.

FP • April 24, 2008 5:29 PM

Inspired by a recent comment on the Weather Channel:

Thousands of thunderstorms occur every year, sometimes with little warning. Many of them produce hail. Large hail can smash right through your car roof, with enough energy to kill.

Have you ever been caught in your car during a thunderstorm? Then protect yourself and your family from the lethal threat of hail. An authorized dealer will install our bullet-proof kevlar liner to the inside of your car roof that is guaranteed to withstand 100 direct hits from 10 centimeter (4 inch) hail at 100 mph.

Order now for only $999 plus installation. Custom-fitted to every car model.

Hydra • April 25, 2008 12:31 PM

Beware of butterflies! Scientists have proven through the Chaos Theory that a butterfly can cause a tornado by just flapping its wings. The only way to prevent the end of the world as we know it is by exterminating all butterflies around you. Go right now to the convenience store closest to you and buy our wonderful and infallible Butterfly Exterminator. You’ll get rid of all butterflies near you with a single shot*. If you buy one Butterfly Exterminator right now, you’ll get a second Butterfly Exterminator absolutely free. And that’s not all. We will give you also free of charge our wonderful “Bye-bye Butterfly” promotional cap. Don’t waste time. Remember: the human race needs you.

  • Use it against dogs, cats and small children at your own risk.

moz • April 25, 2008 4:06 PM

Carbon dioxide (C02); it’s odourless and easy to obtain, yet at high concentration it can slowly disable and kill you before you even realise. Terrorists may even find concentrated CO2 in your office due to normal government fire regulations! Most poison gas detectors don’t even detect carbon dioxide since it is present at low concentrations in the atmosphere.

Buy “breath-through” for all your office: Individual CO2 alarms for every desk and a breathing system which starts automatically and will give your staff 30 minutes to either wait out an attack or, with the special portable option, to leave the area safely. Only $10000 per desk. A small price for peace of mind. ; bulk discounts available on orders over 300.

Omirjan Batyrbaev • April 25, 2008 8:57 PM

MOSSAD thought surveillance subsystem works similar to their spoken word surveillance subsystem (which is similar to the NASA patent application 20050220310 method) by decoding the reflected modulated microwave radiation. The difference being that it decodes the modulated by the brainwaves microwaves reflected by the brain of the targeted person. Then MOSSAD AI engine translate the brainwaves into the actual thoughts.

MOSSAD wireless system works worldwide thru retransmission centers and stealthily commandeered satellites. Their agents can securely operate the system from Israel.

Anybody with IP or other secrets in their heads should be afraid. For most MOSSAD system does undetectable eavesdropping on thoughts.

To defend your house or office against MOSSAD or MOSSAD like systems we offer consulting. To defend your thoughts and spoken words from eavesdropping when you are outside your house we are developing sensor-jammer.

Contact: (514) 932-5920 from 2pm to 9pm EST (for security there is no voicemail).

Campbell M • April 26, 2008 7:42 AM

Are you under nanobot surveillance? Is your home life being invaded without your knowledge but clusters of nanobots? Today they’re just watching what you are eating for dinner. Tomorrow it’s a Youtube video.

Eradicate nanobots from your house with nan-o-cuter. Nanobots are attracted to the nan-o-cuter’s blue light to recharge themselves and are eliminated when they touch the electrified wires. Works with a 50 metre radius. As an added bonus, this model eliminates pesky flies and mosquitoes aswell.

Comes with a free brochure: “Feng Shui and the Nan-o-Cuter: home harmony at last”.

lagrandefoote • April 26, 2008 8:48 AM

I nominate these three professors for the award.
foot.

t shouldn’t come as a surprise that some American scientists think
terrorism can be defined by equations and a priori vulnerability factors.
Close study of terrorist action and behavior is too dull for many in the US
counter‑terror business, so it’s better to have numbers; insurance men,
newspaper reporters and government officials like them, and Benchmark
Analysis for Quantifying Urban Vulnerability to Terrorist Incidents
(http://media.idahostatesman.com/smedia/2008/03/06/22/RiskAn071.source.prod_
affiliate.36.pdf) delivers plenty.

Written by University of Arizona math professor Walter W. Piegorsch and two
others colleagues and published in a recent edition of the journal Risk
Analysis, the study came with a ready‑made hook. Boise, Idaho, it is
claimed, is among the ten cities in the US most vulnerable to terror.

Bruce Clement • April 27, 2008 1:18 AM

Every year thousands of lives are saved by seat belts but afterwards hundreds of lives are lost because the damaged buckles won’t let them escape post-crash fires or drowning. Buckled damaged beyong the freeing power of any lubricant.

Now new beltshear(tm) has razor sharp titanium edged blades to instantly slice through the seatbelt and escape. Conveniently mounted in its own quick release holster on the dash, you can exit your car in seconds no matter how badly buckled the buckle.

Don’t trust your family’s lives to a simple lubricant like Saf-T-Lube, drive safely with Beltshear(tm)

Order one today and the second is 1/2 price so your back-seat passengers can escape too

Coming soon: Revolutionary BabyBeFree(tm) child ejector seats.

Anthony Simmons • April 27, 2008 3:52 PM

You have a virus scanner and a spyware scanner. You have a
spam blocker and a firewall. You buy the latest products to
protect yourself and your family from Internet security
threats.

But which threats are real? How do you know evildoers aren’t
selling you fake security products that steal your personal
information, and then using your credit cards to finance
their evil doings?

That’s why there’s Bogotron. Bogotron scours the Internet,
tracking down bogus security products. For just $9.95 a
month (for the first three months), Bogotron will send you
daily updates for your browser filter so you will never be
tricked again. Bogotron protects you from your own
gullibility!

And now, be more than safe. Be cool, too — with new
Bogotron Plus, just $15.95 (for the first three months).

Bogotron — when duct tape is not enough.

Qubits • April 27, 2008 6:37 PM

Doublethink Corporation: The enterprise to prevent unwanted government tracking and theft of your Real ID.

Protect yourself against unwanted tracking and fraud! For $20,000 we guarantee you ten years of identity re-engineering that protects you from being a victim of unwanted identity monitoring and theft. TruID will generate genuine Real ID identities for you in frequent and randomized intervals to ensure optimum privacy. Maintain your anonymity from identity thieves and “Big Brother” – including the CIA, FBI, and other government agencies that track your every move as a so-called public service against terrorism. TruID guarantees your anonymity by scrambling and re-engineering behavioral patterns and purchases, thereby making your identity untraceable. Each time a new identity is engineered, all of your assets and credit cards will be reassigned in trust to your new identity. TruID makes it easy to protect you from unwanted and unauthorized monitoring!

For more info, contact Molotov Ribbentrop@doublethink.corp

Qubits

DanI • April 28, 2008 9:44 AM

The wireless pick-pocket doesn’t have to brush against you on a bus or train, but he can still lift details from your bank cards while they’re in your pocket. He might even scan them from across a room or through a ceiling! He can clone your door access card, steal your identity, and steal your money. And the pick-pocket-turned-terrorist can know your country of origin just by scanning your ePassport from afar.

You can defeat this modern-day Artful Dodger using SkimStopper products to shield your wireless-enabled cards and passports from attack. Slide the card or passport into a low-cost SkimStopper sleeve, or a luxury SkimStopper leather wallet, and it is then safe and secure until YOU decide to take it out.

SkimStopper products are already used by those ‘in the know’, and are mandated for military personnel. Fully approved as ‘electromagnetically opaque’, you too need SkimStopper to stay safe.

http://www.skimstopper.com/

Anonymous • April 28, 2008 2:09 PM

Sometimes you see ‘them’, most times you don’t. You hear about ‘them’ every place you go and whatever you do. ‘They’ are telling you what to think, what to believe, and what not to believe. ‘They’ are tracking you, listening to your conversations, and monitoring your associations. ‘They’ are directing your action and inaction. Everything you do or don’t do, every breath you take, ‘they’ are monitoring and noting. If you mention ‘them’ to anyone you are labeled –paranoid-, you are told to seek help, sometimes, help is sought for you.
Break free from ‘them’.
Come join US.
We know the truth about ‘them’.
You know that only people who know the truth, as you know the truth, can set you free from ‘them’.
Step away from ‘them’ and come to us.
Call us at LOB-OTOM. You know the time to be free of ‘them’ is now!

Michal S. • April 28, 2008 2:16 PM

SPIDER SHIELD – Keeps spiders from crawling up your nose while you sleep. Eliminates the risk of spiders nesting in your nose and laying eggs. American made on miniaturized looms from the finest imported Japanese nano-fibers. HEPA rated against inorganic particulates. Family pack available.

Sandfort • April 28, 2008 3:59 PM

Showers and Bathtubs are Deathtraps for Our Children!!

According to the US government* there over 110,000 slip and fall accidents in and round American bathtubs and showers every year! Children under five are three and a half times more likely to be bath victims. In fact, they represent 57% of all tub-related deaths!

Don’t let your child fall victim to these cradles of injury and death! You can do something about it. Now, thanks to Con-Co, you can take a step that can save your child’s life.

New from Con-Co, the BathBuddy Bathing Helmet. Just place the generously padded BathBuddy Bathing Helmet on your child’s irreplaceable cranium for their safety and your peace of mind. Just $14.95 at your local X-Mart and other fine retail establishments.

ArZ • April 29, 2008 7:24 AM

Bruce,

It’s time to resurrect my 2006 April Fools joke about the National TBIS Key Exchange program. I’m afraid you have missed the deadline for exchanging all of your brass keys for Kevlar keys, but you can still read about it at http://art.pigasus.com/keyexchange/

Cheers,
— Art Z.

CFfromMN • April 29, 2008 10:40 AM

No leaks in this man’s vigilance!

A man is never more vulnerable than when he is standing at a urinal, facing the wall. He has no idea who may be lurking behind or what they may be doing — until now! The 180 Degree Loo View easily attaches to any public restroom wall and the scientifically engineered reflective curved surface affords a clear view of the entire room behind. Just place it on the wall at eye level, keep your gaze facing forward and still know what goes on behind! No craning the neck or shooting around to sneak a peak. Now you can go on about your business in peace and without nasty surprises. A great gift for Dads and Grads!

Hmmm • April 29, 2008 11:08 AM

Do you live in FEAR of: Being mauled by dogs, Eaten by a big cat, Beaten up by Youths or losing track of Granny.
Then ScreechAway is for you. A patent pending high frequency inaudible Ultra Repellent wristband. Design to drive away all cats, dogs, youths, but lets your kids track Granny guarantee. Each band is custom* configured to be above your hearing frequency range and Granny. But intolerable to marauding Youths, cats, dogs and track able by your kids when on Granny. Your peace of mind for only $29.99 so get one now.
*Custom Audio tuning $99.99 per kHz

Hershem • April 29, 2008 9:12 PM

Many people are upset that all our telephone calls are routed through a filter looking for suspictious words. Those emails/phone calls etc, are then sent for further inspection.

Cure: attach to each and every email some boiler plate containing what you determine to be suspicious words in a long, unintelligible string. For example:

ru48dp 484620 Bush 436292y department of the army.. 3gslv0sbfg5 bomb ue9eyt attach ;a9a;a8a57afagta
burn.kdkdjd55d52d amonium nitrate 4648464032- 6:00 PM at site #4 vvv086htv3a

That will keep ’em busy.

Dan Miller • April 29, 2008 10:14 PM

PilotLite™
==Millions Who Pump Own Gas at Risk for Leukemia==

Do you pump your own gasoline? Did you know that gasoline fumes are carcinogenic? Benzene causes leukemia. It’s used as an anti-knock additive in gasoline. Gasoline fumes have 1000 times the concentration recommended by The National Institute for Occupational Safety & Health.

The PilotLite™ completely eliminates deadly gasoline fumes. Worn around the wrist, this sporty device contains a tiny canister of all-natural butane. With the push of a button, the PilotLite™ ignites and burns away any harmful gasoline fumes while you pump your gasoline in complete safety*. When you are finished pumping, simply depress the button again to extinguish the tiny flame.

9 easy payments of $19.99
Order now. 1-800-GAS-FUME

*In double blind scientific studies, 61% of laboratory animals enveloped in gasoline fumes survived beyond 12 minutes after PilotLite™ activation.

Yan (ELEC5616) • April 30, 2008 12:01 AM

Every time you step outside in snowy cold winder day be ware you like playing Russian rulet with your life!
Icicles kill! Every year people die from falling icicles. You think you are safe, but you are not! You will never see it coming. A falling icicle can reach up to 30 km/hour and can kill you in seconds or injure you badly. Be afraid; be very afraid. You can be next! Unless you have nothing to lose and you are ready to leave this world with an icicle stuck in your head you will make the wise choice and purchase IPS (icicles-protect-system).
It comes in a hat, and with a uniquely designed system to detect a falling icicle and inflate a specially design and tested on humans, umbrella which will block you head from it. For only 30 dollars you can enjoy every winter day and if you spare another 15 bucks we will upgrade your IPS to RIPS (rocks and icicles protect system). We make special deliveries in winter; you won’t have to leave your home without it.

Alexander • April 30, 2008 3:09 AM

The Crushion™

All it takes is a loose carpet. A wobbly stone. Or a unseen tree root. Every day, countless of elderly people slip and break a leg or hip. For them it can be a life-threatening injury.

Prevent those disasters with the Crushion™!

Our latest product detects an impending fall of the wearer with the latest solid-state gyroscope technology. The advanced control system will then instantly inflate eight air cushions, which break the fall. It’s like landing on a fluffy pillow. The industrial strength titanium alloy frame provides maximum rigidity while preserving comfort.

Remember, your parents looked after you when you were a kid. Now it’s your time to pay back the honor.

Carmel • April 30, 2008 4:37 AM

Protect yourself from NLP web attacks.
Neuro Linguistic Programming is already used by mega business and various government
agencies to model your behavior and create personal profiles that are frighteningly close
to real life. First, your behavior is analyzed based on recorded conversations,
blog posts, chat room logs, email, typing style, and body language.
Then, a predictive model of your personality is created and stored.
Lastly, your future interactions with the Neuro Linguistic Programme are subject
to personalization filters designed to influence your thoughts and behavior.
You are presented with images, patterns and text designed specifically to impact you.
You can be unconsciously persuaded to do things you NEVER planned to do.
On April 2008, a web site belonging to SDB
(an anarchist group nicknamed “the Sect of the Deceased Bovine”)
published NLP extensions to most existing blog platforms.
We can protect you. Call 1-782-NOTONLP and let our consultants help you.

StevieG • April 30, 2008 6:11 AM

Free software supports terrorists and sex offenders, helping them carry out their evil schemes. Our Approved Software Scheme will eliminate this software forever.

Free software lets our enemies plan their terror using cryptography, distribute their perverted pictures online, and hide any trace of their activity.

The variety of software makes it difficult for law enforcement agencies to obtain forensic data, or place programs on computers to monitor suspects’ activity.

Vendors – buy a license, and your software will be placed on the approved list. Users – buy an approved operating system, and only approved programs will run, making you and the world safer.

Our representatives are currently lobbying hard to have this scheme made mandatory, so hop on board and beat the rush – early-bird discount fees available.

Approved Software IS free software – not free as in beer, not free as in speech, but free as in America!

Hew (ELEC5616) • April 30, 2008 10:28 AM

Radiation is a hazard present throughout our environment. Not only are we constantly bombarded by cosmic rays from space, but everything from the soil we walk on to the air we breathe contains naturally occuring radionuclides. Radioactive isotopes such as potassium and radon are common in our environment and are known cancer-causing elements.

Protect yourself today with Irradi-shield®! This unique paste is scientifically proven to protect you from 99.99% of background radiation by creating a barrier around you that absorbs all the harmful particles that you are likely to entounter in your daily activities. And it’s easy to use; simply apply by massaging it into your body at the start of each day!

Don’t forget new Irradi-shield® Plus! It has all benefits of regular Irradi-shield®, but with additional healing properties designed to reduce damage internally from sources in everyday food and water!

Alain Hautdidier • April 30, 2008 10:46 AM

BEWARE OF EVOLUTION.
There are so many insidious ideas that might change you without you or your relatives noticing it. If you want to stay an old reactionary very deeply and confortably rooted in his convictions, better check it everyday.
Connect to http://ww.cling_to_yourself.org and obtain after a few questions the conforting rating you deserve if you succeed to stay your obdurate self.

Dominik • April 30, 2008 7:49 PM

There are bad genes, atoms, radioactivity and bad waves out there. Everywhere: In the food you eat, in the air you breathe, in the water you drink,… Endangering your health and killing your cells.

Our new NoGenesNoAtomsNoRadioactivityNoRisks (nGnAnRnR) ring (aka “the one to rule them all”) protects you against all those risks by emitting a strong field of positive invisible vibes around you. This product was tested by various experts and found to lengthen your life by at least 20 years. Buy it – now! As everyone wants one, the prices will rise!

Lou • April 30, 2008 9:11 PM

The dangers of mercury poisoning is closer than you think!

Did you know that energy saving Compact Fluorescent Lamps contain mercury? In fact most municipalities require used CFLs to be treated as hazardous waste! Don’t let a cracked or broken CFL turn your house into the Love Canal!

Protect yourself with LightShield, the revolutionary transparent spray-on coating specially made for CFL. To prevent the accidental release of mercury, simply spray LightShield all over your CFL. The proprietary fast-drying formula bonds to glass surfaces creating a transparent layer of bullet proof protection. LightShield is so effective it can protect a CFL from a 2 story fall!

Don’t let high energy costs endanger your family. Use CFL and protect your loved ones with LightShield.

Lou • April 30, 2008 9:28 PM

Is High Definition giving you High Anxiety? Restore HDTV images with the RealVu picture enhancer!

Recent studies at a major University has shown a direct link between the crystal clear clarity of HD television images and a decrease in viewer self-esteem and increase in anxiety. HD images of scantily clad women and bronzed buff men are demoralizing viewers, and increasing their sense of inadequacy. Restore reality with RealVu. Placed between your antenna or cable box and your TV, RealVu replaces smooth skin and big breasts with double chins and cellulite. For audio, the RealVu restores celebrity lip syncing to their original nauseating chatter. Don’t let HD technology stress you out; fight back with RealVu. Order yours now to protect your sanity and watch HDTV in comfort.

Also available for those special times is the patented PornVu sound enhancer and video clarifier option.

Lou • April 30, 2008 9:42 PM

Fido is making you sick!

Pets with outdoor access are exposed to all sorts of contaminants – under their paws, on their fur, and even in their mouths. Don’t let your pet be the courier of death and disease!

Introducing PADD, the Pet Access Decontamination Door. PADD mounts to your door like a typical pet door but does a lot more. Its revolving door guides entering pets into a decontamination chamber where a combination of ultraviolet light, anti-bacterial treated mats, mouth rinse and body sprays kills 99% of pathogens from your pet. It even kills ticks and fleas saving you from buying those nasty pills. PADD comes in small, medium or large.

Pet eye goggles are recommended.

Huisan(ELEC5616) • May 1, 2008 1:33 AM

Every year, almost 1,000 smokers and non-smokers are killed in home fires caused by cigarettes and other smoking materials. Putting out a cigarette the right way is significant to prevent the disaster.

Our new cigarette put out box is easy to attach on your cigarette box. The special material in the box can kill a burning cigarette butt in 0.35 second. Save your life for only 40 dollars.

J J XU (ELEC5616) • May 1, 2008 1:59 AM

::::SECURE EYEDROPPER::::
If you are an eyedrop user, you may realize how easy to refill your eyedropper, replace the content with other liquid. If you are lucky, it maybe just plain water. But things may go far worst if you heard of Murphy’s Law. A colleague may find it funny to let you try capsicum eyedrop, and watch you crying for a whole afternoon. A urine eyedrop maybe a joke to make the whole classroom laugh, and becomes an embarrassed story when your classmates remind each other about you years later. ^_^!! If your little enemy finds a chance to fill some acid, people may blind for the rest of their lives.

Our newly product, SECURE EYEDROPPER which only drops out NEVER sucks in will be your choose. So do remember our logo “)(“ when you purchase any eyedrop product. This ensures the right content always in the right bottle.

NA • May 1, 2008 4:09 PM

Fear comes from instability, from lost of trust, not knowing what comes…so one movie idea:

  1. bad guys threaten as much as possible simple persons on small places (explosion of a small fuel station, small shop, small community, churches…or other “general” areas)
  2. bad guys records as much as possible about their action and publish them on the net with the message “coming soon to a place near you…or exactly there where you or your friends will be”
  3. bad guys has to lie/modify as much as possible in small places and without very big direct effects, I mean:

– wheather forecast site
– timetables for train, plane etc.
– stock news
– etcetcetc
The meaning is to place the doubtfulness in people…in some years they may hack digital TV broadcasts also and play false news also (e.g. tell the people that red alert is coming, and they must go and buy as much food as possible…)

When people cannot be sure in the input lines and they see that attack may happen everywhere, they’ll fear the most!

NA

Shawn (ELEC5616) • May 2, 2008 12:54 AM

GUARENTEED HOSPITAL CARE

Did you know that more people DIE every year waiting for hospital care than from any other cause. Populations are ever increasing, but the number of hospitals never changes, this has lead to a spate of incidents with overcrowded hospitals turning down patient care?

Do you really want to be the next person turned down help in an emergency? If not, some-thing can be done. By signing up to Guarenteed Hospital Care, we can guarantee you hospital care when you need it, we have numerous helicopters standing by waiting for your call, and with our advanced load balancing techniques, we can find you the closest hospital FAST!

So if you are sick and tired of living in fear, CALL NOW!

Sarah B • May 7, 2008 4:39 PM

There are thousands of satellites orbiting the earth. Every year satellites fall out of the sky. Don’t be a victim of one as it falls on YOU while you are walking to your car!!! Invest in our portable kevlar umbrella for complete protection from falling satellites. If your employers car park is not completely enclosed, insist on a kevlar umbrella to ensure you reach YOUR car in safety.

fad • May 8, 2008 6:02 AM

Do you usually keep your mobile phone in your pants ?

Do you know that there are serious medical evidences definitely proving that this habit can cause infertility, erectile dysfunction and cancer ?

Introducing UnderArmor ®, our line of iron-armored underpants, with a patented thin-film metal-cotton fabric which provides at the same time confortable dressing and EM Firewall ™ technology.

Get it before it’s too late !
Protect your most valuable assets with UnderArmor ®.

Victoria and Albert GE • May 8, 2008 11:23 AM

Worried about Voodoo Priests or African Witch Doctors steeling your jewels?

The V&A Genital Enterprises can protect you with the Prince Albert Safety chain! This stainless steel security chain keeps your essentials protected and doubles as a stylish fashion accessory. No more are those trips to shacks in the swamps going to worry you.

Lame Duck • May 12, 2008 3:06 PM

Are you a boring person? How about a know-it-all? Maybe an interrupter? It is estimated that the majority of people don’t really know who they are because nobody not even their own family members will tell them!

Introducing Social-Intercept!

Social-Intercept is a state-of-the-art product that actively monitors your speach to detect and discretely warn you when you are about to commit social suicide! This device available in several colors and disguised as a watch, pager, cell phone, ipod will never give away it true purpose. Save yourself tommorow and purchase an SI today!

Timothy... • May 15, 2008 4:18 PM

stopped by the law for taking photos in public? accused of being a terrorist? now you can have a grain of rice sized ID tag that insures you will never be mistaken for being a terrorist again…
Yes, that’s right… with one quick scan they can know your whole history… every step you’ve taken… everywhere you’ve been since implantation, clearly and plainly proving you are not a terrorist!
be free today… get implanted at your local government office today!!! and the best part if you go voluntarily it’s free… that’s right, absolutely free…

rea • May 23, 2008 6:29 PM

Too late to enter the contest, and not
my idea. This company unknowingly took
the spirit of your contest and made a
product:

http://www.safetytat.com/

“It can happen anywhere–at an amusement
park, zoo, school field trip, or even
your local shopping mall. Your attention
shifts for a moment, and suddenly your
child or loved one has wandered out of
sight.”

Nobbyness • April 15, 2009 6:41 AM

Re-do 9/11, only better!

Plot: scheme to exploit laziness and technology. Only one sacrificial terrorist per flight!
Idea: passive (BT-activated) explosive device in luggage. Team works waiting area to get phone numbers from passengers who will be boarding.
Execution: exploiting technology weakness, terrorists use remote control to gain access to passenger’s BlackBerry while in-flight. Blackberry is then used as local remote control device for activating and then detonating bomb in luggage. Knowing flight paths & speeds permits terrorists to turn jets into missiles without needing to actually be piloting.

k • February 11, 2023 6:01 PM

Worried your child may fall prey to unregulated social AI from their phone while in the bathroom, and be suddenly mind controlled to run away and join a terrorist organization? This happens daily! Never fear! Our Mind Nanny software can detect continuous covert changes to your child’s decision making processes, raise alarms, and block influential media.

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Sidebar photo of Bruce Schneier by Joe MacInnis.