Schneier on Security

URL for the pool turtle wristband thing:

http://www.skymall.com/shopping/detail.htm?pid=101810852

Only $219.95! Isn't your child's life worth $200?

Playgrounds, homes, shopping malls, automobiles, (and basically any location on Earth) are serious hazards for any child. There are sharp corners to bump heads, gravel and concrete to skin knees, rocks to trip over, other yard apes to push them down or hit them, and numerous other physical hazards that are just waiting to injure your snowflake and possibly inject biological hazards through torn skin. Your child needs the new Nerf Suit! This cushioned, climate controlled suit of soft, microbial resistant Nerf, the same material used in such products as Nerf Darts and Nerf balls, is 100% guaranteed to nerf the world and make it safe for your treasured rug rats to move about the planet with intact skin and bones. An external layer of Kevlar prevents bullets, knives, or other sharp objects from penetrating the suit to injure your child. Don’t let your child be unsafe! Order Today!

How does one submit an entry?

My favorite Sky Mall product they no longer sell. It was an orange plastic hood with a little breathing cylinder on it. You were supposed to wear it in case of fire to prevent smoke inhalation. All I could think of viewing it was "shrink wrap".

I'll tell you right now I'm reserving movie rights.

The Waves Are Coming. Rise Above Them.

Global Climate Change is even now melting the terrestrial ice in Greenland and Antartica. Every so often... whoosh! Melted ice will fall into the ocean, raising sea level a tiny bit and creating global tidal waves!
Be prepared with the EscapeZorb. This convenient inflatable sphere will surround a child or adult of any size with safety and comfort, and is inexpensive enough to buy one for the car, one for the house, and one for the office! Tsunamis can arrive at any time in coastal areas. Whether or not you pop up safely like a cork is up to you!

I'm aware that there are still people out there unfamiliar with the Zorb.
http://zorb.com/

Could your neighbour be a criminal?

More than 1% of Americans are in prison. When they are released, they blend into communities just like yours, and keep their pasts a secret. Is it really safe to let your children play at your neighbour's house? Is it safe to let your neighbour know when you're on holiday?

We have the answer! Using data from the Department of Justice and hundreds of databases such as social security, electoral registration lists and credit reports, we can track convicts from their release, and know where they are, wherever in the country they live. We make this information to you on a subscription basis, updated daily and available online as an easy-to-read digital map, showing the locations of all ex-convicts in your area. Now you can have peace of mind, knowing who in your neighbourhood to trust and who to avoid.

It gives rise to wonderful blossoms. But it will burn out your eye!

Famous buildings are already suffering from China's industry. Rain that is so acidic, that it gnaws on granite! It can burn out you eyes in a few seconds, if you get a drop of that acidic rain in your eyes! Do want to go blind? If not, buy our ARID goggles. The Acid Rain Invisible Deflector goggles we keep you and your children safe and healthy.

Don't pay health insurance, buy ARID goggles!

Don't be an Identity Theft Victim!
Modern passports come equipped with radio frequency identification tags that can be used by identity thieves to steal YOUR identity. The US Government says that these tags can only be read using special devices BUT HACKERS HAVE PROVED OTHERWISE. Ingenious hackers are using specially built remote sensing devices that can read YOUR PASSPORT IDENTITY from up to 30 FEET AWAY!
The Happy Traveler broadcasts fake identity information THAT YOU CAN MAKE UP YOURSELF! The Happy Traveler sends out your fake identity with more power than your passport so identity thieves can't read the real information!
Can also be used to protect yourself from prying eyes of private detectives trying to follow you by sensing your passport. BIG BROTHER IS HERE NOW so protect yourself from all the latest RFID fraud.
Only $29.99! Also include an additional 4.99 for shipping and handling.

Bugs are everywhere! Do you know where they go when you are sleep? Where they lay their eggs? Where they feed?

It has been reported in some magazines and TV programs that bugs enter the ears and mouth of people who are sleeping almost every day. Bugs are always looking for a dark place to lay their eggs and nurture their young. Are you safe from their gnawing mandibles? The ear or sinus cavity are a perfect place for a voracious bug to lay their eggs. For $49.95 you can buy "Bug Shield". Blocks out flesh eating insects while you sleep.

(Comment, not threat) Drowning in swimming pools is actually not a movie-plot threat, it's actually pretty high up on the frequency chart for a cause of death in young children. You may thing this countermeasure is silly but I'm not sure the threat is a good example.

"The Economy sucks, but you can diversify your assets by buying gold. Yes, starting at $1,000 USD you can have real, physical gold shipped right to your house..."

Sad to say, I'm not making that one up. I'm paraphrasing a real radio ad that I hear at least once a day on KYW 1060 in Philly. :-(

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Û0∞‡ ¡„fi©pe/LÙ˚fBî%õu”Åóç£j∞Ûåå.ò8‰Ñ a∞ûS3Ò|”  àp„¿+Äú“W4ÒmÑÇZÖ
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[Unencrypted version: We all know: commenting on web-sites is dangerous. More and more web comments are used by spammers, spyware writers and governmental organizations to find out things about you. Things that you want to keep private. To protect your valuable privacy there is now CommentCrypt. If you use CommentCrypt all your comments are encrypted with a military strength 512-bit AOS crypto key! Only people you trust, and that you have granted access by disclosing your public key, can read them. Commenting has never been so secure before!

CommentCrypt costs only $39.95 per year. Peace of mind never came so cheap before. Order now!]

A recent study at the University of Wisconsin shows that 75% of minor children with iPods listen to inappropriate music. What's on your child's iPod? Think you know? Think again. Teens can easily alter the names of the songs on their iPod. Now thanks to a revolutionary new product, Snoop Poddy Pod, you can know exactly what kinds of messages your child is subjected to. Our Snoop Pod database analyzes the digital signature of thousands of offensive songs, updated daily, and checks to see which of those are synched to your child's iTunes. Snoop Pod parents are sent a weekly confidential email with the real scoop. Take back control with Snoop Poddy Pod.

PROTECT your family!, SERVE your country!

Would you LIKE some terrorist bombing your son's school with YOUR VERY OWN just stolen and filled with EXPLOSIVES car?

Don't let this happen with CURARE SHOTS! An easy to mount hypodermic syringe hidden beneath the seat of your car prevents burglars, thieves and TERRORISTS to MISUSE your car in ways YOU COULD NEVER IMAGINE by literally stopping them on the seat of your car while a wireless silent alarm* warns the closest police station and a text message is sent to your cell phone**.

PROTECT your family AND SERVE your country well with CURARE SHOTS.

* Alarm sold separately.
** Text message service only available with selected providers.

Viral software is everywhere. It strikes without warning and can bring devastation to any enterprise reliant on technology. And let's face it, that's just about everyone today, form the biggest multinational to the corner Pizza shop
By it's very nature this viral software can infiltrate your business without you even knowing it.
Using our patented (and soon to be I$O certified!) technology we can scan your IT systems for GPL code and other viral infestations BEFORE it becomes a problem!
Don't let your business get sued and end up in the hands of some smelly, commie, pinko hippies!

Identity theft doesn't just target your money!

In today's dangerous world, government surveillance is meant to deter wrongdoers. However, rather than risk discovery, they can simply commit crimes while 'wearing' your identity - digitally! How can you ensure your innocence is protected? Using the ALIBUY(tm) system! Our cryptographically encoded transceivers can be simply inserted underneath your skin in a painless outpatient operation, where they handshake with a Verified Base Station in your home whenever you are there. That way, law enforcement personnel can quickly and easily check on your whereabouts for any past period using our bonded, protected tracking database in the event your identity is suspected! Each set comes with four transponders. As a bonus, qualified parents or guardians can use our web portal to ensure their children return home safely. (Ask about our optional PetGuard transponders as well!)

Forgot the tag line:

Act now, because if you don't think of the children then the terrorists have already won!

I've always thought toys for newborns fit into this category.

Designed with bright colors and high contrast to stimulate your child's visual and mental development!

In other words, buy this product or your child will grow up stupid and it will be your fault. Parents are easy targets for this sort of marketing.

I believe this qualifies.
www.americankestrel.com/blog/E20080404084155/index.html

I don't waste my brain cells on stuff that is happening right now, because good artists steal:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YyvpS44B_YQ

"A VPN is like an armored car which protects data from thieves"

Yeah, right Cisco... we can't hack VPN eh? it is an "armored car". Another post-bubble complex.

Fear: Think of the movie 'The Enitity' that can get you through the internet/over the phone lines/etc. Cool.
More pragmatic fear: Think of the USA becoming a third world country essentially run by a dictatoship that runs in into the ground.
One of these Fears is now, the other, well, fiction, but still related to the other one.
That is FEAR.
Yeah go team go!

In a cave in the mountains of Pakistan a new form of terrorism is being perfected. This terrible weapon has but one purpose, murder all of the children of the United States. What is this new ingenious weapon of terror? Hairspray. According to sources high up in the Pentagon Osama bin Laden is developing a super hairspray designed to release tons of CFC’s/L into the atmosphere to rob us of our most precious children. But there is hope. Mo Berg and Ron Stanly have teamed up to save America’s children. Introducing the Mo-Ron FaceShield ®. The Mo-Ron FaceShield® is a completely enclosed plastic vessel that seals at the base of the neck. This complete isolation creates a protective, impenetrable, bubble of air and ensures that no dangerous CFCs poison your children. After a few short minutes wearing a Mo-Ron FaceShield® your children will no longer have anything to fear.

The Year: 2015

The Fear: Unauthorized CLONING. Do you know how many of YOU there are out there? Or what THEY are doing in YOUR name?

The Pitch: Yes, it's now so commonplace you COULD buy insurance against. But wouldn't it be better if you could PREVENT UNWANTED CLONING of YOUR DNA in the first place? That's right. Now you can, with our new SecureDNA oral recombinant DNA renewal medication. Just take one pill a day, and your entire cellular DNA has one base-pair added randomly to a non-functional sequence, thus expiring your old DNA. Every day, you're a NEW YOU! Imagine, no more pesky clones biometrically cleaning out your bank account. This alone will save you thousands of Rupees (the international currency in 2015).

The Fine Print: Consult your doctor before taking SecureDNA. Side effects include: mild psychotic reactions....

Without SecureDNA, you could be your own next victim.

High Frequency CPU Shielding

At 2.4 GHz, study after study has shown the potential dangers of wireless networking, especially on the undeveloped brains of children. Yet few studies have been made on the risk of CPU frequencies, which can reach almost 4 GHz. This solid, stainless steel enclosure safely encases your computer to block 99.9999% of harmful electromagnetic radiation.

Have you been exposed to dihydrogen monoxide (DHMO)? Do you even know the symptoms? Across the USA alone, millions of people consume DHMO before they even start work! Dangerous consumption of DHMO can reduce the body's pH levels fatality (scientists call this acidosis)! Before you put yourself or your family at risk, purchase our patented DHMO tester, the h2-NO! for your house, your car, and your piece of mind! Made of space-age materials, the h2-NO! can detect DHMO particles down to parts per million. Its sensitivity becomes your protection. Wear the h2-NO! while jogging, walking the dog, or working in the garden. Children love wearing them while at school! Purchase 3 h2-NO! before March 22, 2009, and receive 2 for free! Don't expose your family to the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide and act now!

IS YOUR KITCHEN A TERRORIST SUPPLY DEPOT?

God-fearing Americans often underestimate what common household items can do in the wrong hands-- and with the spread of the Internet, it's easier than you think for terrorists, miscegenationist rapists, and child pornographers to find out what's in YOUR home! Do you want to be awoken at three in the morning by evil incarnate looting YOUR KITCHEN for the things needed to make poisons, pornography, and even BOMBS?

Contact DEATH-CHEMICALS-B-GONE today! Make an appointment for one of our *U*S*A* Military trained improvised demolitions experts to come audit your home FREE OF CHARGE to identify the *TOP TEN THINGS TERRORISTS WANT TO FIND WHERE YOU LIVE*. With DEATH-CHEMICALS-B-GONE, you can rest assured that nothing close to you can possibly be used to attack our God-given freedoms!

Call today-- before it's too late!

Your Chair is Trying To Kill You!

The number of white collar jobs is increasing. Secretaries, Accountants, IT Workers and so on... and what are these workers doing? They are sitting at desks in chairs. Menacing... Dangerous... Chairs.

Picture this... You at Your Desk. Your Chair: Wheels – Single Support – Seat.

Suddenly that support breaks and you crash straight down, your jaw is smashed into your desk with amazing force, breaking it and shattering your teeth. Your rear-end impacts with the floor and your spine is jolted as you crash forward, your body’s weight decapitating you against the edge of the desk. With more obese Americans every day, this is a workplace reality.

The "Chair Protector 2000" can save you. This device wedges between the wheels and seat; creating a solid base (picture a lazy-boy on wheels) saving you from the realistic threat of decapitation. Buy it today for only $49.95

Have you ever been the target of robbery or assault? Today’s society is a scary place and people like you need to be assured of your security. Thugs, thieves and other deviants have penetrated every part of our society. Anyone can be a target of crime. Never feel afraid again after purchasing a subscription to you-CCTV.

you-CCTV is your personalized Closed Circuit Television service. With a subscription to you-CCTV one of our trained CCTV operators will follow and videotape your every move. Whether you are at work, at home, or just relaxing on the golf course, you-CCTV will be there right with you… the unflinching eye of the video camera protecting you.

CCTV is a proven deterrent. Criminals will not dare approach you when they see you-CCTV. With packages starting at just $199.00 now you can bring this effective security measure wherever you go.

Worried about your toddler choking with a small toy ? Traumatized by a badly applied Heimlich Maneuver ?

Do not worry anymore !

With our patented "No-Choke", your pharynx will never do wrong ! Our exclusive teflon coating and the silver-coated micropores will guarantee that only clean air go to your lungs !

Installation is easy: Just swallow our nanobot pill (automatically eliminated after 2 mildly disconfortable days), and the expandable, auto-lubricating "No-Choke" will stand guard on your epiglotis !

Yours for only $399.99 ($199.99 extra if you need professional help for the installation) !

Would you trust a stranger in a restaurant to save you from a dangerous chicken bone ? We neither !

worried about terrorist with anthraces filled socks to pollute TSA shoes checkpoint? wear the new micro filtering bacteriological secure safesocks(tm). Now with odour control!

Many Americans were shocked to hear the results of the research trials regarding heavy metals and toothpaste conducted by the New England Journal of Medicine, which FDA is only now attempting to confirm. This latest scare comes after hundreds of deaths were linked to toothpaste contaminated with diethylene glycol, a potentially dangerous chemical used in antifreeze.

In light of this continuing health risk, Hamilton Health Labs is proud to announce Tommy Tester Toothpaste Strips! Just apply a dab of toothpaste from a fresh tube onto the strip and let it rest for 3 minutes. It’s just that easy! If the strip turns blue, rest assured that your entire tube of toothpaste is safe. However, if the strip turns pink, dispose of the toothpaste immediately and call the FDA health emergency number at 301-443-1240.

Do not let your family become a statistic when the solution is only $2.95!

=============

Editorial note: 150 words on the dot! Do I get bonus points for being able to sell more product every time the TSA confiscates a tube? :-)

Fear and anxiety shortens your life, but lack of fear kills you. In this complicated world, it's hard to know what's the right amount of anxiety to have. That's why you need the Terror Watch. Not just an ordinary wrist-watch, it monitors your lifesigns for stress, and plays soothing music when you've had enough for the day. What's more, each Terror Watch uses wireless technology to communicate with other Terror Watches in your vicinity, and uses advanced AI to compare lifesigns to determine if there's a real threat nearby. Terror Watch Rx (prescription only) can also regulate the supply of medication to your bloodstream. Available in black, silver, and gold.

A nomination for Belkin for a real product they sold a few years back: a grille you could stick over your mobile phone's earpiece to cut down on microwave radiation. Never mind the fact that's not the part of the phone that radiates microwaves, never mind the fact that the phone would adjust its signal strength to compensate for the attenuation anyway, never mind the fact the risk was probably illusory, never mind the attenuation being negligible.

Then again, Belkin's still one of the companies selling surge protectors for almost everything. If they thought they could get away with surge protectors for surge protectors they would.

Afraid that bad breath is holding back your career, alienating potential friends and damaging your love life? You gargle mouthwash every morning, but will that last all day? Is that enough? How can you tell?

The solution: our new mobile phone with integrated particulates analyzer. Every time you speak into the microphone you also exhale across a sophisticated sensor array that tests your breath's aroma for stength and palatability. If your breath is bad it gives a discreet vibrating alert once the call is over.

I can't believe the current presidential elections wouldn't win hands down. If you don't vote for (insert candidate's name) it will be the end of civilization as we know it.

Are you Balding? Gaining weight? Have your kids grown a third eye or ear? Your pets gained the ability to speak?

YOU could be the victim of foreign DNA! Lax regulation has allowed bio-chemical laboratories to spill waste into waterways and rivers, the source of drinking and bottled water. Once ingested, foreign DNA goes to work changing your genetic code and leaving you shorter, more feminine, or waking up one day liking rap music.

Use the “I-B-PUR DNA Contamination Detector” to ensure that your drinking water is clear of harmful laboratory DNA. Don’t let stray DNA change YOU or your loved ones!

FDA approved, certified by the DNA Uber-Purity Exchange (DUPE), available in 79 easy payments of only $19.95! Call NOW!

"The price of freedom is constant vigilance," said Thomas Jefferson. And in our modern era our security is bought via the watchfulness of fear. Whether its the fear of terrorist attacks and child molestation or greenhouse gasses and the collapse of the economy, your fears keep you safe. But a chain is only as strong as its weakest link; is everyone around you doing their part?

Now you can know for certain with the new Alertness Alert!™ This small device remotely monitors the heartbeat of whomever you point it at and gives you a quick digital readout of a subject's pulse rate within 30 feet (10 metres) of you. 180 beats per minute? They must be hyperventilating about terror attacks... great! 45 bpm? Anyone that calm has likely consigned their soul to Allah and needs to be reported to DHS ASAP!

The Alertness Alert!™: You can rest easy... because no one else is!

A Death-trap in Every Home!

Your toddler is old enough to climb up and down the stairs, so you've taken away the gates that kept him safe. But danger still looms! Imagine your child sticking his head between the banister bars and then losing his footing . . . a quick snap of the neck ends his life!

You need the Bani-Web. Custom-contoured to your staircase, this Kevlar mesh, reinforced with a patented titanium alloy, attaches to the banister supports and prevents innocent young heads from poking through.

Comes in pink, blue, and blindingly bright orange.

DON’T BE A VICTIM

The modern world is an extremely dangerous place. Peril lies around every corner. You’re not safe. We have the ultimate solution. Don’t get out of bed.

Our exclusive research reveals that 99.9% of serious accidents and unlawful deaths occur when the victim is not in bed. Don’t become a statistic. Take positive action now.

The revolutionary BedAlert2008 attaches to your bed and has motion detectors which constantly monitor your position within the bed. If you try to get out of bed, the device emits a powerful 100 dB alarm. In addition, the BedAlert2008 can be programmed to fire tranquiliser darts in an emergency.

The BedAlert2008 is available now for only $599. A small price to pay for total peace of mind. For an extra $49, the BedAlert2008 can be supplied with a stylish alarm clock with tea/coffee making facilities.

[Beaten to the line on the CCTV angle by EJK4, but here's mine anyway]

Recent crime studies show that CCTV cameras only move crime away from
the cameras - and that could be directly towards you!

With our revolutionary CCTV-Me(TM) wearable unit, a head-mounted CCTV
camera monitors the area around you, wherever you are, and forwards
images to our Central Control Unit. You become your own personal crime
prevention area! The headgear is highly visible to deter attackers,
yet stylish enough to suit your outfit. (Available in white, glossy
pink or leopardskin finish.)

The camera can be rotated through 360 degrees using a handheld remote
- or in vulnerable situations, activate the "AutoRadar" continuous
rotation mode for all-round protection.

NB: AutoRadar may cause dizziness in some users.

[Btw, I hope Snoop Poddy Pod wins just because of the name!]

My husband and I are expecting our first child in two months. Having spent more time than I would like in baby stores, looking at baby products catalogs and being bombarded with direct mail, I can attest that whatever new products contestants can dream up that are aimed at creating fear in new parents, they probably will not be able to top the ones already on the market.

Felix,

Add cellular DHS threat level monitoring and an automatic transdermal adrenaline application feature and you've sold me as a customer. I can't risk waiting for my own body to become anxious in case of an emergency. I'd rather have the adrenaline put into my bloodstream for me based on the anxiety of those around me and how afraid the government is telling me to be. Also, there'd better be an option to disable that soothing music.

Scopolamine. You might not have heard of it, but the risk is more than real. Easily obtainable by crooks and immigrants raised in the dark arts of herbal processing, this drug WILL affect you when you least expect it.
Inhaled when blown in your face, absorbed by your skin after touching something as innocent as a piece of paper, even in a handshake you can be another victim of amnesia and mild zombism.
The only way to protect from this hazard that can come for you in any way, is to avoid any human contact forever, or to purchase this wonderful treatment of StopOlamine. Every set includes 31 needles with the exact dose you need to disturb your neurotransmitters enough, building NeuroBlocs™ that stop the harmful effects of scopolamine.
Walk secure through the streets, with StopOlamine® .

Is That Security Camera Working?

A security camera only makes you safer if it's turned on! Many cities these days are installing cameras to make people feel safer--but like "placebo buttons" at cross-walks, they might not even turn them on! Make sure you're safe! Just point the Camera Checker at the camera and press the button. A green light tells you the camera is on and transmitting. Works on both wireless and CCTV cameras. Not for use with personal CCTV systems.

Beware subconscious manipulation! They want to control you!

There are methods of manipulating you that the government and media broadcasters do not want you to find out about!
Messages designed to mentally control your behavior are being embedded in your favorite programs on television, radio, and even your e-mail and the Internet.

Imagine watching TV, a movie, or a seemingly harmless YouTube video and having your mind altered to affect your everyday behavior and reactions!

Protect yourself! Order our "MindProtector" Daily supplement today. This natural, herbal formula has been developed to protect your mind from all modern forms of media manipulation.

Order today and get a free trial of "MindProtector Jr." our formula safe for children and specially formulated to protect young malleable minds.

[These claims have not been evaluated by the FDA -- which is, by the way, a large, manipulative government organization.]

Boring Blog Blocker

Those boring blog posts are everywhere. You know: what someone had for breakfast, looking out the window, blah, blah, blah. Well! Now with Boring Blog Blocker, a simple plug-in to your browser, you can avoid these tiresome posts. Boring Blog Blocker filters out boring posts, saving your valuable time, using an advanced dictionary algorithm pre-loaded with phrases such as “ate cereal” and “made coffee”. Get Boring Blog Blocker, now! And, for blog owners, Boring Blog Blocker Pro—detects and deletes boring posts to your blog by inconsiderate others with nothing to say.

***boring post deleted by Boring Blog Blocker Pro***

The earlier post demonstrates the effectiveness of Boring Blog Blocker. I plan to continue its use here, and thank Tim Stevens for bringing it to my attention.

Note that all four Boring Blog Blocker posts sum to exactly 150 words, and none were actually posted by Bruce.

POLYCRETE GOLD DEFENSE ONE(TM)
Turn Your Home into a Hardened Fortress Against Nuclear, Biological, and Chemical Attack!

Shelter your family from terrorist harm with this easy to use, effective, "military grade", super-hard protective seal. Just connect the supplied barrel to a standard garden hose and coat your entire home with six inches of yellow foam that hardens to concrete within minutes! Providing you the security you need!

Order today and receive two units of POLYCRETE GOLD DEFENSE ONE so you can have twelve inches of security -- double the protection!

VISA, Mastercard, and Diner's Club welcome. Also available in pink.

---
I was going to add accessories, like NBC "excursion suits" and air exchange adaptors to AC units but I think it's much better without them.

Being afraid is a must for every patriotic citizen. Are you afraid that you are not afraid enough? Buy our convenient package, FearItself, and this will never happen to you again.

FearItself -- when simple fear doesn't cut it anymore.

Sold everywhere you can buy politicians.

StampedCrypt(tm) Postal Service.

Did you know that the postal service can read your letters? they know how much you earn, who you are related to, your birthday, SSN and your age! Think that the Internet is a privacy risk? think again! your privacy sits in the bag of the postal service for anyone to take a peek at! Think about terrorists skimming a couple of your letters! That is just the start of all the insecurities. It has been estimated that a staggering 27% of all postal workers or family members -or neighbors- bruteforce envelops and breach the security perimiter of your privacy!

But not for long anymore, because StampedCrypt(tm) has developed a new security service that is a must for anyone who sends an organic letter. StampedCrypt(tm) uses a one-time-pad to encrypt your letters, birthday cards, and tax forms. By making a carbon copy of the letter and ROT13 the carbon copy with a pigeon randomly seeding the copy with birdseed as the key. Hell, we'll even encrypt it so good that even the IRS can't decipher it! This new service is available to any privacy aware citizen, for only 19,99$ a month! as an incentive to join within 10 minutes, you will also obtain a free keychain with the picture of your crypto pigeon!

all your worries are over, with StampedCrypt(tm)!

HouseBag - Because Even the Improbable is Likely to Happen ... Soon

How many times have you heard this tale? A car careens out of control and onto a residential property, slamming into the corner of the house, and killing everyone inside. While. They. SLEEP!

Don't let this tragedy befall your loved ones and/or family. Ones of people are impacted by such terroristic events every millenium. And a new millenium started ONLY EIGHT - er - SEVEN YEARS AGO!

HouseBag is the answer. No, not just the answer - THE answer. The answer to all of your out-of-control-car-slamming-into-house needs. The instant an out of control vehicle is detected by our network of wireless and cable-ready sensors a signal is sent to any house within our service range, and a protective, inflatable mylar (for no particular reason) shield inflates around your house, preventing THE INEVITABLE.

One day -- could be tomorrow, could be 63,535 years from now -- a car WILL possibly collide with your house (again, while you sleep) and kill or seriously startle your family.

Don't delay, buy HouseBag today. Available for 640 payments of $19.95. ACT NOW!!

(Okay, so I can't count words.)

PAEDO-SAFE
Would you know if organised gangs of paedophiles were targeting YOUR child, right now? Members of Internet Paedophile Rings choose their unsuspecting victims by sharing photos of innocent children in public places. In the park, they lurk to photograph the moment in which her skirt is caught by the wind... or his smiling face matches their own perverted desires. They swap their photo trophies in private - then, they return... their favoured victim is abducted... or worse...

PAEDO-SAFE wristbands detect camera activity (flash/infra-red focus light) and sound an audible alarm. Make sure sick prowlers aren't snooping round your family! Extra option: High-powered flash will ruin any photograph taken and safeguard their innocence!

Bully Protection
Is your child is bullied at school? How would you know if they didn't tell you and you didn't see any physical signs? If left unchecked, bullying can result in:
* suicide
* murderous rampage (ala Columbine)
* inability to establish 'healthy' relationships later in life.

Fighting, even if in self defense, results in suspension/expulsion.

We have a solution: Watch'em & Protect'em.

It is a system of surveillance cameras, strategically placed where your child can be monitored (school, bus, playground, etc.). Your child wears a small transmitter that allows our cameras to follow them. For young children, we recommend sub-dermal implants.

We have a crack legal team to force school districts to comply and sue the bully's family and charge the bully with assault.

Should the bully's family lack assets, we call our persuasion team members who are former Special Forces soldiers. The bully and parent(s) WILL capitulate.

EM Pulse protection

What if you lost ALL your digital and analog data and all your electronic devices in one event. Furthermore, your car and phones have died. You are lost and cut-off from the rest of the world. How could this happen? EM Pulses.

You are exposed to the threat of lightning strikes, catastrophic transformer failures, atmospheric atomic blasts, terrorist attacks, industrial sabotage.

Solutions
=======
1: A Faraday cage for your office, including isolated power for your computer equipment. This solution also provides you protection from industrial spying.

2: Metallic mesh wall/ceiling/floor/window treatment. This creates a Faraday cage for your entire person space.

3: Faraday cage for your automobile's vulnerable electronics. This is a popular option for armored vehicles.

4. Off-site backups are usually converted into non-vulnerable media. Non-converted media are stored in EM-protected enclosures (extra cost option).

There is simply no way to compete with the Wearable Personal Air Purifier:

http://www.magellans.com/store/Health___Personal_Care___Air_PurifiersEP225?Args=

THINK... WHAT IF YOU LOST YOUR TV'S REMOTE CONTROL?

You won't be able to keep up to date with the latest terror alerts. And what if a terrorist attack announcement was being shown, but you couldn't unmute the volume? YOUR FAMILY COULD DIE!!!

UNLESS... you had a TrueReliance(TM) System. Should you lose your TV's remote, simply find your TrueReliance(TM) Remote Control and calmly press the simple red button, marked "Panic". Using your home's wireless network and broadband connection, our team of elite RemoteSaviours will be notified of your problem. They will come to your house and help you look for your lost remote. They'll even bring a set of spare batteries. So you need never miss a terror alert broadcast again.

NB: RemoteSaviours will not visit homes in event of real civil emergency, or outside weekday mornings. RemoteSaviours will not help customers find lost TrueReliance(TM) Remote Controls.

RAPE HURTS.

Even as a law-abiding citizen, you can end up in jail faster than you can say "Ouch". A single wrong word at the TSA checkpoint, an envious neighbor reporting you as a terrorist, or a false positive on one of 57 government databases, and you could find yourself in a cell with 3 strong, 250 lbs heavy violent inmates that have not seen a woman in the last 6 months and want to rape you. Would you really want spend the whole night being raped, just because you were too greedy to invest just $99 and get the new ButtBlade? ButtBlade is implanted by our trained surgeon and will provide anyone who wants to rape you with a very unpleasant and deterring experience. ButtBlade - Saves your ass.

Flu, Pneumonia, SARS, Encephalitis, Ebola

The next outbreak is waiting for you at your local restaurant or shopping mall. Not in the food, but in the bathroom. You are careful to wash your hands, but how do you leave without contaminating your hands, and then yourself? The handle of the washroom is the dirtiest item in the room, and you are going to grasp it.

ProTectUWipes are large, sturdy, dry tissues with an approved anti-virus and anti-microbial agent that protects you in this vulnerable situation. Take one out to dry your hands, turn off the water, and exit the room, safe from the "last 10 feet" of contamination.

ProTectUWipes are fresh smelling and bio-degradable. They are ideal toilet seat protectors, and are flushable. You will be calm to know that you are protected, and that the anti-viral agent that remains on the handle also reduces the risk for others.

DEATH is your worst enemy. Not to mention a huge downer for your family and friends. Now through this exciting TV offer you can escape the clutches of death for eterninty with the Home Liquid Nitrogen Storage Capsule! Just wait until you're on death's doorstep, step inside the capsule then pull the orange lever and be gently frozen for however long it takes until they find a cure! The patented dethawing system will gently wake you up to your favorite song! This amazing device can be yours for only 75 payments of $999.99! You'll never have to worry about death again! Act now and you can receive the optional window and vital signs monitor, a $10,000.00 value, for 1/2 price. Isn't it time you stopped burdening your loved ones with your impending doom? Call our toll free number now and make death a thing of the past! Credit cards accepted.

And then there's the skirt that turns into a vending-machine disguise, in case you were worried about or mugged, and the mugger just happens to be far enough away not to notice your transformation.

http://www.theage.com.au/news/world/japanese-skirt-fear-of-crime/2007/10/20/1192301096588.html

Biometric Removal Kit

A new crime wave of mutilation is sweeping the nation! As people move to biometrics for personal identification, criminals are removing fingers and whole hands to steal your identity. The Biometric Removal Kit (TM) uses a patented painless laser process so easy you can do it in the comfort of your home. By removing your fingerprints you could be saving your family’s lives and protecting your identity all with one easy purchase. Don’t become another statistic, protect your identity today!

Public restrooms are havens for criminals, out to mug you and worse! But now you can relax, with JohnStar! At the first sign of trouble, just hit the JohnStar panic button. While a JohnStar rapid response site team races to your location, a representative will talk you through basic self-defense maneuvers. You'll never be caught with your pants down again! But wait, there's more! Ever discover too late that the stall your in is out of toilet paper? Just press the “TP” button and a JohnStar representative will rush to your location with a roll of premium toilet paper (JohnStar Secure and Clean plan required).

JohnStar – What are you waiting for?

You've got the licks... but are you safe? When a guitar string breaks, the razor-sharp end can travel through the air at over a hundred miles an hour! If it hits you in the eyes… well, you’ll have something to sing the Blues about, and you can even put “Blind” in front of your name, for instant Blues cred!

Eric Clapton had no choice but to risk his eyesight with every bluesy bend, but you don’t have to, so install a BendGuard™ today! Attaches to the headstock with no screws, in minutes. Available by mail order, or keep an eye out (!) for the BendGuard™ in all good music stores.

Picture this: You're sitting at the dinner table, eating a juicy t-bone steak. Before you can remove the fork from your mouth, a friend or family member stumbles and falls behind you, knocking your head forward onto the table, driving the fork tines into the soft tissues of your mouth, causing injury, disfigurement, maybe even death.

Why let this happen to you? Using the latest nano-age technology Break-Fast Forks detect when they're moving fast enough to cause injury, and dissolve instantly into a harmless liquid. Available in grape, orange, and strawberry-kiwi flavor.

Drink to Your Success!

You're successful, and it shows, from your confident stride to your well-cut Italian suit. But success breeds resentment and envy in little people - the same little people you count on to serve you! How can YOU be sure that your Tom Collins or Gin Rickey hasn't been spat in... or worse?

Now you CAN be sure - with the DNA Adulteratometer, you can instantly assess whether your servers have added spit, hair, mucus, urine, feces or any other bodily fluids to your beverage: quickly, easily, and surreptitiously. Space-age technology has yielded a fingertip sensor that wirelessly signals your Bluetooth-equipped telephone or PDA device. One buzz and you know, there's more than grapefruit juice in that greyhound!

The DNA Adulteratometer detects microscopic fragments of human DNA present in any bodily secretion, and instantly alerts you to their presence in your drink. So you can return that adulterated beverage immediately... preferably in the server's face!

Don't let your success be sullied by fear of polluted potables - get YOUR DNA Adulteratometer today!

(The DNA Adulteratometer is for use with beverages only. For solid foods, the Remote RNA Reader can distinguish between human, cattle, and rat particles in your hamburger, and even tell you whether the dog's been on the couch again! Order now!)

Do *You* Trust Gasoline Imported from Terrorist Countries!?

Chemical additives can make the gas that runs your car emit fumes that are a slow-acting POISON that threatens you, your family, and fellow citizens with death and serious illness! Our very affordable tester kits can verify the purity of the gasoline that you add to your tank. Act now!

An Associated Press study found hundreds of medicines in so called “treated” municipal water supplies. Dangerous heart drugs, mind altering psychiatric medications, body changing sex hormones and even superbug creating antibiotics may be freely flowing out of your tap, into the bodies of you and your children. Bottled water isn’t safe since most is treated the same as “cleaned” city water.

How can you protect yourself? Introducing “The WATER WIZ!” Utilizing quadrapole spectroscopy, the same technology NASA sent on the Mars rovers, this portable, brief case sized wonder tests your water for any known chemical or drug. You can test water anywhere you go, home, camping, work or restaurants, and know if harmful drugs could be contaminating what you drink.

Combined with our “FRACTU-CLEAN” water purifier (sold separately), you can be assured your water is clear of medical waste and impurity free for your family.

Do you know about the beast lurking in your home? When you least expect it the beast will strike destroying your flesh and injuring your children. There will be blood everywhere and horrible pain. Your wounds will infect and you will be horribly ill. You may die.

How to avoid this terrible fate? Buy kitten mittens, the sturdy cat claw covering, guaranteed to stay on your cat's paws for 3 weeks at a time.

You need never fear your cat's claws again.

(Ether included to facilitate the application process)

Is someone infringing your copyright?
Your intellectual property is yours alone, and you should be compensated for your efforts. Buy our powerful Content Sweeper (TM), and we'll scour the internet to make sure nobody uses your emails, letters, or blog posts without permission!
Yours for a monthly fee of 99 cents.
Or buy Content Sweeper Deluxe (TM), and in addition to the basic version, we'll guarantee that your spoken words and phrases aren't reused without permission. Only 3.99 a month!

Now works with iPhone!

I wonder, what about mercury? It eats aluminum with surprising rapidity. 50ml of mercury dumped in the right spot could do a lot of damage to an airplane.

"It could never happen to me," you said. But then you clicked on that YouTube video of Human Tetris, and now you'll never walk again.

Every year, more and more Americans are killed or paralysed for life while rolling on the floor with laughter.

ROFL-er (TM), from L33t-Tel is the answer.

By monitoring your browsing habits and comparing them against our central database, ROFL-er quickly translates any actual emotion you may experience on-line into an acronym or 'smiley' representing your state of mind.

Wouldn't you rather LMAO than be subjected to painful cosmetic surgery and embarrasment caused by the Andy Samberg's latest musical tribute to Dolph Lundgren?

Or why not upgrade to ROLF-er Pro (TM) from only $15.95 p/m, and preempt any embarassing LOL at work by being automatically redirected to yet another list of reasons you might be a redneck?

ROFL-er (TM) - It's B-)

Do you like to play the lottery? Looking for big winnings? Think that will solve all your problems?

Did you know that studies have shown that people who win jackpots invariably face emotional problems like fear, loneliness and depression, and in almost all cases are bankrupt within the year?

If you win unexpectedly, become depressed and unable to take care of your loved ones...well, don't let that happen to you! For the small monthly rate of only $19.99 and a one time fee in case of winnings, our financial planning offering will sequester your money so you don't have to worry about it. You'll never even see it working to protect your sense of stability and continuity.

We gaurantee your lifestyle can continue as it is now, uninterrupted by sudden financial windfall. Act today to kiss your financial fear goodbye!

----- TERRORISTS ALREADY CONTROL YOUR MIND -----
Our research* has recently uncovered a global terrorist plot of
immense proportions. The target? You and everyone you
know. Powerful subliminal messages aimed to 'ruin your life'
have been found in almost all random samples of music tested
to date. We are not, by law, able to disclose the contents of
these subliminal messages to the public until DHS and others
have closed their investigations. Some known sources of the
subliminal messages have been P2P software manipulating
and inserting messages during file transfer. Due to the
sophistication of the plot - it is not possible to clean existing
music files nor remove the evil messages. Purging your music
library is the only safe recommendation. Never listen to an
unsigned MP3. Only buy your music - from trusted sources.

*research sponsored by the RIAA

Werewolves don't exist, of course. But what about tomorrow? Scientists are creating human-animal hybrids today. They say it's safe. What if they're wrong? What if they create a monster? What if that monster gets loose? What if it's outside your door right now? Are you ready?

How *can* you be ready? Do you think silver bullets will work? What about wooden stakes? Maybe you need a chainsaw. Liquid nitrogen. A flame thrower. Exploding chickens. The list goes on and on.

Where do you put it all? There's no more room under your bed. Your basement? Your garage? What if you're attacked in the shower?

That's why you need Future Chakra. A potent blend of modern western science and ancient eastern wisdom, this book and video will teach you how to unlock latent powers of your mind, so you can sense danger hours in advance, even weeks in advance. [insert testimonials]

INFLATABLE KEVLAR BODY BAG: Looks like a business suit, but inflates in microseconds, to protect against terrorist bombs, bullets, and plane crashes!

Everyday thousands of people travelling by air around the country are being incorrectly identified as possible threats by the TSA.

Imagine the humiliation of being pulled out of line by security, in front of your colleagues or loved ones, and asked to go through a personal search and interrogation. Embarrassing and painful.

Research shows that TSA officers identify these "threatening individuals" by the symptoms of nervousness, fidgeting, fumbling or excessive sweating when asked to remove one's shoes at the security checkpoint. Have you ever fumbled with your shoes at security?

Modern Technology now has a solution for you - the FastLace. It looks and feels just like a regular shoelace, but this is no ordinary shoelace. Advanced Crystal Structure Nanofibres within the shoelace give it an incredibly smooth low-friction action, making it fastest shoelace to tie or untie. At the same time Advanced Crystal Structure Nanohooks help the shoelace keep tight when you need to get those shoes on in a hurry.

No more fumbling with those tricky knotted laces! No more excessive delays at airport security! No extra embarrassing background checks! With the FastLace you can look as innocent as the next guy, but feel safe and confident knowing your shoes won't make you look guilty.

Limited time offer $29.95 Call now.

Is your neighbor a terrorist or criminal? Find out now!

Utilizing your camera phone with our software and services, you
can stop a terrorist or criminal act before it happens!
Here's how: you take a series of still photos or
a short movie of any person you suspect of ill
intent. Our software for smart phones encrypts those images using
a propriety super secure 256 megabyte beyond military grade encryption
key, and sends the images to our remote offshore supercomputer,
which then employs the latest research into micro-body language and
behavioral analysis to determine the hidden intent of the suspect.
It then e-mails you a special color-coded alphanumeric alert, so
that if the suspect sees the alert, they will not
understand it. Can be used on strangers, illegal immigrants, next-door
neighbors, their children and pets, co-workers, new acquaintances, odd family
members, and your daughter's latest boyfriend. Be safe, not sorry!

Our Lord made us free. We can choose to love Him, and be rewarded by his love in return. Or we can choose to reject him and face eternity without his love, forever burning with regret.

Those who love our Lord will seek to spread his Word. Those who love our Lord will band together to make war against false prophets who preach falsehood.

The Lord gives us our life, and we can use it as we will. The wise use their life well, and grow prosperous. The foolish hoard what the Lord gave them, never making anything of themselves. When they stand before the Lord, He will be angry.

But there are those who would take from the wise, and give to the foolish, punishing those who do good, rewarding those who do bad, straying both from the righteous path.

These people would deny you your freedom. Vote Republican.

YOU ARE GOING TO DIE!
Research shows that only a small percentage of humans live past their 90th birthday, and 100% have died after 150 years. YOU are going to die – unless scientists can discover antidotes to the aging process. But who knows how long that might take? And what if something happens to you in the meantime? We’ve got the answer: The Home Cryo-Kit can preserve your body until such a time as science can cure you and can prevent further aging. Comes in five designer colors. At these low prices you can get one for your car, your home and your office! Don’t be caught without one!

YOU ARE YOUR OWN WORST ENEMY!
Statistically, you are more likely to die by suicide than by murder. Are you plagued by irrational fears? Depression? Obsessive behavior: smoking, drinking, gambling, over-eating, blogging? Science has the answer! Get your Inner-Shrink implant today! Programmed with the Insta-Counseling system, Mini-Shrink can instantly calm your fears, alleviate your depression and integrate dissociated impulses and drives to assure that you are always acting in your own best interests! Call for an appointment today.

You are what you eat!

Every day millions of people ingest growth hormones, pesticides and all manner of chemicals unintentionally! The meat you eat comes from an animal that was fed growth hormones. The vegetables you eat were sprayed with pesticides and other noxious chemicals. Chemicals are the things terrorists use in order to attack the free world and up until now you've been forced to ingest these hormones and chemicals just to survive. But no more! Now you can buy all your food from Organic World. Be rest assured that everything you're eating is certified organic*, does not support terrorists, and is chemical free! How much would you expect to pay for this peace of mind? 4x, 5x, 6x normal costs? Well not anymore, at Organic World you pay only 3x the normal cost of hormone and chemical laden products for pure natural delicious organic foods!

*by "certified" we mean we're telling you it's organic, and by organic we mean however we feel like defining it today.

Ideas are like infectious diseases
Spread with words instead of sneezes
. Keep yourself safe from the memes
. With our new topical creams
Which double as spreadable cheeses

Improvised explosive devices are the terrorists' weapon of choice to turn a quiet country road or a safe city street into hell's highway. Camouflaged beneath litter or disguised in potholes, these deadly bombs can be hidden anywhere. Our troops overseas are protected from IEDs by armored vehicles, but how long will it be before the threat of IEDs follows them home? Your family car isn't built to withstand a bomb, so how can you protect yourself from an unexpected blast from below?

The SafeRIED family of armored floor mats and seat covers are a great way to put a layer of security between your passengers and the road. Made of bulletproof kevlar, SafeRIED products protect from explosions, shrapnel, and even sharp pieces of twisted metal. Comes in black, beige, and woodland camo. Also ask about our anti-sniper sun visors.

(adapted from “Star Trek: The Baby Boom Generation”. A Shockwave Radio Theater Production written by David E Romm. Minicon 23, 1988)

Do you ever feel that your life should be this?

(SFX: KA-CHING! POLYNESIAN MUSIC, ORGASMIC GROAN)

Instead of this?

(SFX: TRAFFIC, BABY CRYING, BOSS YELLING)

Of course you do.

Maybe your REAL life was changed when someone… went back in time to change theirs. Now, be prepared. When someone comes back to the future, show proof of your deflected life with a Time Change Detection Kit! Yes, our patented Temporal Phlogiston Formula keeps track of the homeostasis of time, and when there's a bypass in the aorta of eternity a message will be text directly to your cell.

Don’t let people mess with your life, whether they alter the outcome of the Civil War or they just move some whales. Get the Time Change Detection Kit, at your local Pharmacy right next to the Dimension Change Detection Kit and the Personality Change Detection Kit.

Cell phones let your child call for help when they feel threatened by a bully, kidnapper, or sexual predator, but only an Electro-Cute plush animal friend gives them a chance to disable their attacker and make an escape. Your child will love the adorable characters, Tessy Tesla the turtle and Teddy Edison the bear, and you'll love the 50,000 volts of neuromuscular disruption these little guys can deliver to an attacker. Your child will laugh along with the animated instructional video on the included DVD as they learn how a pull on the tail turns the Electro-Cute animals from huggable buddies to fierce friends. In danger mode, the Electro-Cute animals’ eyes glow red, their electrified claws extend, a loud recorded message tells attackers to "Go away! You're not my friend!" and anyone trying to grab your child or the Electro-Cute animal is sure to get a shocking surprise.

Fact: Happily married men live four years longer than their unhappy or unmarried counterparts and report less loneliness in their old age.

Don't let your obituary read of your "untimely death" from loneliness! Find a Ukrainian bride who will make you happy today on our convenient, professional website, http://www.ukrainianbridesforlongerlives.com

Testimonial: I was in the depths of despair being married to a beautiful Russian bride who was starting to have her own career when my friend approached me and directed me to your site. I went from wanting to off myself to getting a Ukrainian bride that sacrificed her career in house-cleaning to save my soul. She nagged me like there was no tomorrow and made me feed her bonbons by hand every evening. It was just the treatment I needed to stop wallowing in self-pity. Now my doctor reports my moods are stable and forecasts a long life for me. I'm the happiest man alive and have clean toilets besides, thanks to what she has taught me.*

Trade-ins of existing wives can be negotiated with our agents.

*results not typical

You've heard of FUTURE SHOCK, but are you protected against it?

Do you remember the last household device you really understood? Of course not. TVs, Radios, TIVO, PCs, WiFi, CAT5, do you REALLY understand how any of these work? If I told you that your PC worked because of the invisible pixies inside the case, could you prove me wrong? If there are pixies in the PC, what might there be in your TIVO?

With FUTURE-SHOCK-OFF(tm), a revolutionary new product from Reclaimed Medical Waste Inc, you can avoid the effects of FUTURE SHOCK (headaches, paranoia,
back pain, sore eyes, confusion and many others.)

Take two FUTURE-SHOCK-OFF(tm) tablets a day and you will be totally protected from FUTURE SHOCK. With FUTURE-SHOCK-OFF(tm) all your worries
about technology disappear.

(FUTURE-SHOCK-OFF(tm) may cause drowsiness, blindness, leg pain,
hallucinations and/or death. Do not exceed recommended dose. Do not operate
heavy machinery.)

Global Warming and the Ozone Layer Portals

As Global Warming progressively increases and causes further opening in the Ozone layer, the Earth's natural shielding is weakening dramatically! The Ozone Shield integrity will soon fall to the level where Alien transporter beams will be able to lock on to, and teleport, any individual and beam him/her/(or unspecified gendered individual) OFF the Planet and kidnapped without warning into a Live Alien TV Talk Show or worse!

Protect yourself NOW with the Personal BeamLock Shield (Tm) !

The BeamLock Shield is a tiny hardware accessory that can interface with your Cellphone, PDA, or Laptop and access the wireless cellular signal or wireless bandwith and transform it into a Shield that will effectively block all known Alien Teleporter devices.
The BeamLock Shield generates a field of 2 cubic meters and sustains it for as long as the host device is powered.

The BeamLock Shield has been extensively tested in Roswell, Peru, Stonehenge, The Bermuda Triangle, and many other locations susceptible to Alien Teleport Activity, and to date, NOT ONE of our field staff has been beamed away,(although a few reported slower log ons while in the Bermuda triangle).

The BeamLock Shield is designed to interface with ALL proprietary cellphones, laptops and PDA's, while not interfering with their primary activities.

Each BeamLock Shielding device uses its own random quantum frequency and will not interfere with other BeamLock Shielding units in close or even contiguous proximity.

Extended Battery Pack (sold separately) is highly recommended.

Don't be caught with your Shields Down!

Act Now and receive a (pi - cubed) 31% discount! (by mail in Rebate)

The BeamLock Shield (patents pending)
is manufactured and marketed directly by SAMPP Inc. Ltd. s.a.

SAMPP is the acronym for
Schneier's Annual Movie Plot Productions
(not affiliated with Bruce Schneier or Counterpane)

Get your Shields Up Now !

(sorry, didn't see the 150 word cap ;-((

here is my emended entry ):

As Global Warming progressively increases and causes further opening in the Ozone layer, the Earth's natural shielding is weakening dramatically! The Ozone Shield integrity will soon fall to the level where Alien transporter beams will be able to lock on to, and teleport, any individual and beam him/her/(or unspecified gendered individual) OFF the Planet and kidnapped without warning into a Live Alien TV Talk Show or worse!

Protect yourself NOW with the Personal BeamLock Shield (Tm) !

The BeamLock Shield is a tiny hardware accessory that can interface with your Cellphone, PDA, or Laptop and access the wireless cellular signal or wireless bandwith and transform it into a Shield that will effectively block all known Alien Teleporter devices.

The BeamLock Shield generates a field of 2 cubic meters and sustains it for as long as the host device is powered.

Extended Battery Pack (sold separately) is highly recommended.

Identity Mangler –

Criminals are harvesting information about you right now!
Identity Mangler is an intelligent software program that creates randomly generated information about you and posts it on the internet. When your name correlates to 58,000 SSN’s and 230,000 bank account numbers and 34,000 addresses it makes identity theft impractical.
Other applications of this product are stalker avoidance, government profiling diversion, and collection agency averting. You can also use it for plausible deniability for unpopular comments you may have made since randomly generated comments that populate the internet will be attributed to you. You can just say "I didn't write that, Identity Mangler did!"

When you’re at the pharmacy you could forget an existing medication, allowing a pharmacist to fill a fatal prescription.

When your child is grievously maimed, a medical bracelet or RFID implant could be lost and an EMT won’t know their allergies or complications.

When you trust online medical record storage, you’re putting private details within reach of dangerous hackers.

But when you trust LifeEncode’s InnuFuse DNA Encoding, every cell of your body holds the key to peace of mind. InnuFuse replaces wasted “junk” DNA with encoded InnuFuse DNA, allowing your medical professional to retrieve:

Complete Medical / Prescription History
Family Medical History
Insurance Information
Payment and Billing Details

Best of all, InnuFuse DNA does not replace your important DNA! In the event of catastrophic terrorist attack, a single cell and human cloning will recreate you AND your InnuFuse records!

InnuFuse today, rest assured tomorrow.

In countless cases of carjackings, the victim has been stuffed into the trunk of her own car, unable to call for help and subject to the whims of her cruel assailants.

The best thing you can do for yourself and your loved ones is to get Jack Hero(tm), a high tech two-step alarm system that can be installed easily in the trunk of your car. Should you find yourself locked in the trunk, merely push a small button to alert others by:

1. Sending out an emergency signal that is picked up by nearby police cars or emergency vehicles.
2. Causing the turn signal lights to blink S.O.S. in morse code and the license plate to read "MAN IN TRNK".

Jack Hero(tm) recharges while your car is running, so there are no batteries to replace. Unlike cheap knock-offs, Jack Hero(tm) has NO SOUND ALARM that could alert the assailants.

---
Revised for limit

P-Screen: Because one candirú attack can make all your other problems seem small

The P-Screen helps protect you from candirú attack. (Go ahead, look it up: http://www.straightdope.com/columns/000519.html ) If you know what candirú can do, you’d do ANYTHING to prevent an attack. The P-Screen keeps you safe from attack for the low, low price of $29.95. Buy one for each member of your family! Hurry before it's too late!!!

Too many innocent children have died in tragic school shootings. Some schools have begun to install metal detectors, but they are not enough to stop a determined murderer.

Many killers acquire and train using firearms, or start experimenting with explosives, weeks or months before they strike.

This is why your children's school should install SniffEx. Installed near the entrance, SniffEx samples the air ten times a second for high explosive residue. So sensitive that it can detect the discharge of a firearm or the use of explosive up to three days after the fact, SniffEx gives enough early warning to remove offenders long before they act.

Have your school install SniffEx today. Because Your Child Deserves To Live.

Radicalized children may even strike with unconventional weapons. Be safe from the threats of tomorrow by also installing SniffBio, SniffChem and SniffRad, our solutions for detecting deadly biological, chemical and radiological agents.

Indoctination by Computer Virus: An evil genius develops a virus that encrypts all your data and only lets you access it if you perform [instert insane religious ritual here] several times a day, slowly brainwashing you. With advanced pervasive surverilance technology it has compromised, it follows your every move. Any atempt to ask for help results in permanet loss of all your data, i.e. all you have that is valuable! It resides on your PDA for those few places left without CCTVs. It follows you into bed on your watch. And, after a while, you have to start recruiting others to the cause! This slowly spreads and just before the terrorist/marketeer/politician that has come up with this clever sheme is about to get world domination, [insert hero of choice] swoops in and saves the day, but just barely!

Every year, thousands of terrorist acts do not occur on airplanes, but right at home, when unsuspecting families are murdered at gunpoint. Just last year, in the Italian city of Palermo, two invited guests opened fire and killed a wedding party of 42 before getting away.

The TSA keeps our airplanes safe. Is it not time that you took the same precautions? Your family deserves it.

That is why we are introducing SecurAtHome. We've got you covered with our personal pat-down metal detector wand, our front-door X-Ray scanner (can be discreetly installed in the doorframe) and our terahertz backscatter detector for your driveway.

The liberal media keeps misreporting "homicides," but if striking within your own four walls is not a terrorist act, then what is?

Are you willing to gamble your family's life on the new immigrant neighbors that your son has invited over for a barbecue?

Keep your Loved Ones in the Good Part of Town

Everyone knows there are certain parts of town where it's not safe to go. But what do you--or your loved ones--do in a strange city? And what if what "everyone knows" about your own city is out of date or just plain wrong?

Safe-T-Nav keeps you safe. It combines sensitive GPS technology with sophisticated analysis of crime statistics to give you easy-to-read levels of violent and property crime rates wherever you happen to be . . . and advance warnings to keep you out of "red zone" areas. Simulations prove that following Safe-T-Nav's recommendations will significantly reduce your chance of being a crime victim. Price includes map updates for one full year.

Flesh-eating bacteria on shopping carts!
Machine-guns smuggled into preschools!
Terrorist cable-TV installers!

Blood pressure too high? Anxiety keeping you awake? Stress hormones attacking your innards?

All because of a CONTEST! And not just any contest, but security guru Bruce Schneier's annual MOVIE-PLOT THREAT contest!

Can't increase your Prozac? Don't want to stop reading blogs?

Fight back with SecurityPro's secret weapon: duct tape.

Spotted Bruce at a security conference or a Thai restaurant? Use a long strip to tape his hands behind his back. Now he can't type. But he can still talk, so tape his mouth shut, too.

Don't attend security conferences? You can still use it to hide parts of your computer screen. Or the whole screen. Or tape your own eyes and ears shut. The less you hear and see, the less afraid you'll be.

Buy it now, at a SecurityPro store near you.

I think I'd buy some of those products... the Safe-T-Nav sounds pretty good... and the duct tape, definitely the duct tape.

In case of terrorist strike or natural disaster, Americans are advised to store emergency supplies such as canned food, radio equipment, medicine and emergency shelter by agencies such as FEMA and local Civil Defence organisations. Our product, MIRACLEVAULT, is a large container containing food, firearms and ammunition, first-aid items, flares and other essentials come the apocalypse. MIRACLEVAULT also doubles as an emergency shelter and is guaranteed to keep you safe. MIRACLEVAULT; taking the hassle out of survivale preparedness, becuase it's your patriotic duty to be ready.

Is YOUR eyesight in danger?

You don't have to be a top European soccer player or the pilot of an Australian passenger jet to face daily peril at the hands of terrorists wielding high powered laser pointers.

You may not know it, but these deadly weapons are still legally available to buy online for just a few dollars.

Every time you go out or even look through a window, a terrorist with a laser pointer could be targeting YOU from as far as five miles away. And you wouldn't know until it was too late, because laser radiation moves at the speed of light.

Are you willing to put your retinas at risk from searing laser radiation?

We didn't think so. Well, now you don't have to.

Constructed from unique materials and using patented technology, our Laser-Eraser eyewear range provides guaranteed shielding against laser radiation. Available in children's sizes too.

HappyTV set-top-box

* Violence/Terrorism/Sex obfuscated on your TV!

* Bad language muted!

HappyTV is a DVB receiver that connects to your normal receiver and HappyTV Real-time monitoring service using your internet connection. You will see all channels 10 min delayed. During that time, our staff monitors all channels and inserts moderating elements to the broadcast (black boxes/mute sound). Register your children's names and ages to the HappyTV, and it will automatically show personalized "NAME not allowed to watch this" messages. LCD clock display shows 10 min delayed time.

Subscription only $49/month!(If you allow additional commercials)

Are you worried that in an emergency you won't know where the Fire Exit is? Then you need an ExitFinder!

Using the latest technologies, our new bluetooth headset, combined with a GPS enabled camera phone, will help you find that Emergency Exit when your life depends on it.

All you have to do is turn on the camera, then rotate 360 degrees after you enter a new room. The ExitFinder will recognize and remember the locations of all the Emergency Exits. In case of emergency, while others panic, your ExitFinder will guide you straight* to the Emergency Exit and safety.

* Note: an expected future (third quarter 2014) upgrade will allow the ExitFinder to guide you around furniture rather than over or through it.

Scared of being blown up by a terrorist bomber on your next flight? Save yourself with CarryOnBomb™! Never before have there been two bombs on any single flight, so bring your own and guarantee your safety in the comfort of mathematical certainty.

CarryOnBomb™ is an actual explosive incendiary device approved by the TSA, tested to vaporize the inside of an airplane cabin when detonated via an easily accessible button beneath the handle. While you would of course never actually detonate it, having the bomb essentially guarantees your family’s safety! How often is a single bank robbed twice in the same day? How often are there two natural disasters simultaneously striking the same city? Ever seen two solar eclipses in an 8-hour period? No, no, no. Having CarryOnBomb™ provides you the comfort of statistical security for only $599.99 plus $2.99 s/h. Choose from red, blue, or slate gray. Kid friendly. Safe.

Actually pools cause 100 *times* more child deaths than gun accidents in America (source: Freakonomics)

@False Data:

Nice idea, your Safe-T-Nav. Reminded me of Spike Feresten's DiscrimiNav.

Allow me to add an entry on Spike's behalf:

You're a smart driver. But what about steering clear of those neighborhoods that make you feel -- well -- uncomfortable? Now it's easy. With DiscrimiNav, the world's first fully racist GPS navigation system.

You can personalize DiscrimiNav to direct you away from whichever neighborhoods you want. DiscrimiNav has three different settings: subtly racist, regular racist, and then there's Mel Gibson.

Plus, DiscrimiNav's optional PrejuDisplay uses easy to understand icons.

DiscrimiNav. Now available with updated software, so you can avoid Belgians, Hawaiians, and Inuits.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=xixIb5qJOPQ

From: http://www.schneier.com/blog/archives/2008/04/third_annual_mo.html#c261005
"Research shows that TSA officers identify these "threatening individuals" by the symptoms of nervousness, fidgeting, fumbling or excessive sweating when asked to remove one's shoes at the security checkpoint. Have you ever fumbled with your shoes at security?

Modern Technology now has a solution for you - the FastLace. It looks and feels just like a regular shoelace, but this is no ordinary shoelace. Advanced Crystal Structure Nanofibres within the shoelace give it an incredibly smooth low-friction action, making it fastest shoelace to tie or untie. At the same time Advanced Crystal Structure Nanohooks help the shoelace keep tight when you need to get those shoes on in a hurry."

Your job is to take down the aircraft... but airport security is tighter than ever. The cola for your Coke-and-Pop-Rocks bomb has already been confisticated, and some pickpocket lifted your sharpened credit card knife.

Fortunately, your shoes were tied with FastLace. Advanced Crystal Structure Nanofibres within the shoelace give it an incredibly smooth low-friction action, making it fastest shoelace to remove once in flight. And Advanced Crystal Structure Nanohooks help the shoelace keep tight when you need to garrote the cabin crew in a hurry.

With FastLace, you'll be ready to terrorize and take over a jet at a moment's notice, guaranteeing you a heroic entrance into the afterlife, and and eternity of torture for your defeated foes.

FastLace: because your enemy's security measures hang by a thread.

How Safe is That Flight?

Just how safe is that flight you're about to get on? Now you can find out with FlyRep.com. Text or e-mail the flight number and instantly receive a safety report about the flight route, airports, and type of aircraft. Send the airplane's tail number and get detailed information about that exact airplane, compiled from FAA databases! FlyRep.com warns you about airworthiness issues, safety inspection problems, runway incursion rates, and will even give you "on time arrival" statistics. Only pennies a message, or sign up for our frequent flyer's subscription service.

I would gleefully pay $35 for the HAPPY TRAVELER. Can I be John Pointdexter? With a side of Identity Mangler, please.

Alec Bings can't win, that product has been on the market for years. Or maybe that confirms his insight.

Gotta love JohnStar.

And McSploit.

And RichG is a genius.

@FP: Thanks. If something like Safe-T-Nav doesn't exist out there, then some entrepreneur just isn't being creative enough.

Are you sleeping well at night, confident that you won't wake up with HIV?

You shouldn't be! Blood-sucking creatures known as bedbugs are growing in number across the country! Scientists are studying the creatures to determine whether they can transmit AIDS, Hepatitis, and other killer diseases!

These terrible creatures were once suppressed by pesticides, but the new generation is immune to the common poisons! How can you stay safe? With the new Hamalot bedbug security system! This revolutionary device consists of a hamster surrounded by a moat of glue. Before you lie down in a bed, simply place Hamalot under the bedframe. Bedbugs will be drawn to the hamster, and will be stuck in the moat of glue instead of sticking their fangs in to you!

Remember: It is not yet known whether terrorists are using bedbugs to spread deadly diseases, so never lie in a bed or sit in a chair without your Hamalot bedbug security system!

Are you concerned about school shootings? Drunk drivers? Child abductions?

FEAR NOT! Introducing the Ultimate Defender Protective Vest! Featuring a kevlar lining complete with trauma plate (decorative stickers provided so your child can personalize their security gear), the vest comes in high-visibility day-glo yellow or safety orange. A police whistle is attached to the zipper pull.

But the real value comes from adapting rapid-inflate life jackets to urban situations! Our patented ScanSafe™ technology picks up the low-frequency signals of EZ Pass and tire-pressure sensors, inflating impact-reducing 'airbags' in the vest and hood, protecting your child from vehicular impact.

That same technology is used to protect your child from abduction. An additional, high-pressure cartridge (refills available online) can be triggered to expand the vest and make your child impossible to grab!

Don't wait for tragedy to strike - protect your child now, with the Ultimate Defender Protective Vest!

One of the "movie plot" threats I've thought of has turned out to be real, and I now feel both sad and angry.

I was ruminating about the "SeroSniffer", which uses NMR from a distance to test nearby people for low levels of serotonin, indicating they might unexpectedly "go postal", with suitable ha-has about the goofy supermarket bag boy.

Sonoma County, California, has a public mental health unit that only treats the "worst of the worst": people who have repeatedly been committed to mental institutions, and who have no other viable treatment avenues. However, I recently found out that they've been ordered to cut their service roll by 300 people. When that takes effect, about one in 1600 county residents will be a severely mentally ill person who has just been deliberately denied treatment by the government and can't get other help.

So I now think the whole topic of encountering mentally ill people is not funny at all.

Mea culpa. I was wrong to say those 300 mentally ill people in Sonoma County "have no other viable treatment avenues" or "can't get other help".

According to press reports, the 300 people are being referred to "private, community-based treatment centers", such as non-profit medical clinics.

Bedbug Invasion! Only Saf-T-Zap self-microwaving luggage keeps you safe from this disease riddled vermin!

Every year thousands of travelers to foreign countries return with bed bugs in their clothes and luggage. Once at your home they multiply through your house or apartment building sucking blood and spreading disease to your children and loved ones!
Avoid having to call in ineffective exterminators time and time again!
Avoid lawsuits from neighboring apartment owners who identify you as “ ... the source of the infestation.”
Eliminate these vermin from your suitcases with with our self-microwaving all titanium luggage that bathes the interior and contents with 10 minutes of low level microwave from a self contained magnetron each and every time the latch is closed. Safe and effective. Available in all common luggage formats - overnight case to steamer trunk.

NOTE: Interchangeable proprietary power source available as separate purchase at point of purchase.

For germ conscious Americans The Handler is the next best thing to wearing surgical gloves in public bathrooms, airports and when you are traveling. It's a keychain sized mechanical device that allows you to open doors, pull levers, operate the paper towel dispenser and push ATM keypads without having to actually touch those things with your bare hands --- avoiding direct contact with germ infested public surfaces. This totally new product is infused with bacteria and virus killing nano-silvers that kill germs on contact, so it is always disinfecting itself. Perfect for the millions of germaphobes who burn through reams of paper towels in order to avoid contact with door handles, the retractable armature never touches you, your clothes or purse and proceeds to kill almost any and all germs after you use it. International travelers will definitely appreciate this totally new approach to reducing their risk to the host country's bacteria and cold and flu viruses.

Unfortunately this is real:

Your own DNA is your worst enemy.

Criminals will want to steal it, to cover their crimes by incriminating you, or to steal everything you own via the ultimate identity theft.

It will soon be the only trusted identity test - signatures, fingerprints, retina scans, everything else can be spoofed.

A single dead skin cell can be used by criminals or terrorists to copy your DNA. They can then use that to steal everything you own, or leave *your* DNA at the scene of crime.

The only defence is to ensure that every trace you leave behind has its DNA scrambled or "denatured".

dNature Skin Crème, Hair Gel, and Nail Gloss scramble the DNA in your skin cells, body hair, finger-, and toe-nails.

Make sure that everything else is covered by using dNature Toilet Blocks so that *none* of your DNA leaks out of your home.