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June 13, 2008
"Bruce Schneier and the King of the Crabs"
A tall tale.
Posted on June 13, 2008 at 1:51 PM
• 15 Comments
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I'm so not sober enough to appreciate this fully. :D
It's clearly a tall tale. You don't even own a dog.
Amusing, but crabs have ten legs, as I'm sure Schneier knows full well. This is the basis of our flawed number system, as evidenced by the Chinese crabacus. Crabs also have magical abilities, a fact enshrined in the word "crabacadabra".
Me either, but I suspect it's better that way.
So how long before the crab empire on Barbados became decadent and collapsed under its own weight? After all, crabsolute power corrupts crabsolutely.
And crabs only have eight legs if you don't count the claws, which all right-thinking people don't.
I thought "Where did my Google go?" was the best part.
I think he's confusing crabs and arachnids - crabs have ten legs, not eight. :) So the dog would be two-fifth crab, and our own Bruce would just be one-fifth.
Dan Lewis> And crabs only have eight legs if you don't count the claws, which all right-thinking people don't.
And I suppose crabalocker fishwives have only eight fingers, if you don't count the thumbs. ;^)
I did, in fact, count the claws of tool-using crabs as arms, not legs. A joke Abraham Lincoln was found of telling was, "If you call the tail of a donkey a leg, how many legs does a donkey have?" The answer is, of course, four. I'm not sure whether that means crabs have ten legs or eight, but it sure sounds recondite and apposite.
This story is based on extensive research on my part, along with my dog, here on the beaches of Ponce, Puerto Rico. To date, I have found no ascended crabs (dammit). But they *do* all have eight legs. And two claws.
With all the puns flying around, though, I thought one of the commenters might be Peter G Neumann in drag...
Regarding 8 vs 10 legged debate, a wiki entry states:
Crabs are 8 legged omnivor...
(quick, someone correct this horrible mistake in wiki!) But judging from the article, it consider dog 4 legged, humans 2 legged, it is only logical to discount the claws in its leg count.
Also, Bruce, you made another security mistake! Even if you evacuate Barbados, you should've still given Chuck Norris a call. Whatever the Crab people manage to do in 2 days, I am sure Chuck can roundhouse kick his way out of it. And are you sure that Chuck can't get there earlier than 2 days?! It's because of you that Barbados is still a restricted zone!
"Everybody knows hot-air balloons can't be steered"...
Well, actually they can be steered - in some circumstances. Wind direction varies with altitude, so if you're headed the wrong direction then gaining or losing altitude can help. Knowing which way to go can be tricky, but cloud movements can help.
Its all lies!
"...but realized it would take even Chuck a day or two to get to Barbados..."
Chuck Norris may touch his shoulder while running around the Earth by equator. So I think he's been underestimated in this story. The true story should end with the words:
"He thought about calling Chuck Norris."
"He just transformed the problem into a one-way cipher, and decrypted it on his wristwatch!"
Haha, I love it.
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