Schneier on Security
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June 7, 2008
Schneier Motivational Poster
I'm tickled by the idea of a motivational poster with my picture on it, but want a more interesting/amusing/clever/inspirational caption. Ideas?
Posted on June 7, 2008 at 10:24 AM
• 147 Comments
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Not just for movie theaters.
There has to be more that are better than that.
Harder than it looks.
Secure, Refresh, Upgrade - In Your Life, Your Business, or In Your PC!
I've always been a bit fond of this one:
"Destruct Priority 1" means never having to say you're sorry.
Seriously -- don't pick the dancing pigs.
vpuiz mpzsm aumzt uulph ouupv mzmpz smaum ztuuz jhtum udhaw muwjy
mfmha umuty mzfwz tuuzp mvomi tfsfy rijms fxmty olphg upxum nmyvk
ijfwt syphu mjmhp mu"
Beard = Terrorist
Drink Your Water Now
You can't take it on the plane
All your keys are belong to us.
I could tell you, but then I'd have to bill you.
Mothers, don't let your sons grow up to be security consultants ...
"With looks like this, who needs security?"
Random numbers are too important to leave to chance.
... "beyond fear" of course.
LIGHTING: You're doing it wrong.
Security -- You're feeling it wrong.
Knows YOUR and Bob's shared secret
@Me: That's where I got my caption from, though it's not the one you linked to.
I'm sort of disappointed that there are no decryptions posted yet.
"If you can do your job, we're not doing ours."
Do you know where your identity is?
Not just for the paranoid anymore!
It doesn't require hair.
You keep using that word.
I do not think it means what you think it means.
Means your secrets are safe from this guy
Will make this guy smile
Your Encryption Algorithm
Means little to guys like this
The only healthy approach to security
The only realistic approach to encryption
Ask Smart Questions
Unless you want this response
Protecting Your Secrets
You've been instructed and warned by the best
The Encryption Club for Men
I'm not only a customer, I started it
Walk Softly and Carry a Big Key
More Important than Secret Algorithms
Secret Encryption Algorithms
Obscurity is NOT Security!!!
def. Proprietary Encryption Algorithms
B.S. not BS
Looks more like a demotivational poster. :) Here's one slogan - I'm secure, are you?
It's a journey, not a destination.
You didn't hear it through the Grapevine.
> You keep using that word.
> I do not think it means what you think it means.
> Posted by: Albatross at June 7, 2008 01:40 PM
I second that.
P.S. I think the photo from your front page would do better as the photo on the poster (in landscape instead of portrait).
I'm Bob ... have you seen Mary?
Damn, I am hungry. Two fish!
Diffie ate garlic!
I will coke!
Damn smoker! I must to parp!
Dont ask ME, lamer.
Its for you, lamer.
Bruce Schneier doesn't like bad security.
Don't make him come down there.
>Drink Your Water Now
>You can't take it on the plane
Nice one! (But that should be "Security".)
It's about Goals; not tactics.
I think the caption should be ...
w e c g
e w h y
a a i o
e t n u
... especially for publication here in the UK ...
Security: Get Some!
Security: Prefer buying from an expert to finding out you aren't.
Happy face? This is my happy face.
It's a trade off.
What's it worth to you?
Not just for professionals anymore.
If you think you are, you aren't.
The Key to Blocking Decryption Addiction
Sorry, Bruce, I know that appearance-based remarks aren't big or clever, but I propose:
"Head or chin? Security is a trade-off".
Or for a de-motivational poster:
"Schneier thinks this stuff is hard: you've got no chance"
Security... to protect freedom, not to erode it.
If Bruce Schneier ruled the world, it would be a cypher place.
Click here if you have forgotten your password.
Forgot your password? This man can help.
"Password helpdesk...this is Bruce...can I help you?"
Now accepting movie plots.
Even the TSA can't find the porn on Bruce's laptop.
Bruce Schneier created the first Honey Pot; we now call it the Internet. Heard of it?
I support the "epic beard" suggestion. *g*
For a more serious one I would take the "now accepting movie plots" poster. It's message and can easily start a conversation about real security.
Albatross' suggestion is great but too long. Maybe it can be shortened to something like this:
- Security -
It's not what you believe it is.
- Security -
It's not what YOU are talking about.
a) Compilers don't warn Bruce Schneier.
Bruce Schneier warns Compilers.
( http://geekz.co.uk/schneierfacts/fact/187 )
b) - Bruce Schneier -
Won the staring contest against Chuck Norris and Mr.T.
c) - Bruce Schneier -
Says there's a hair in your soup.
d) - Kryptography -
e) - Algorithms -
Which part of 'random' did you not understand?
I hope there will be prints available!
It Ain't Easy, Baby
illusion delusion allusion
means never having to say you're Sorry
The original caption isn't bad, but formatting it as an inspirational poster doesn't work. It should be formatted as an LOLTHEORISTS posting and should use proper LOLspeak.
I like the Princess Bride quote. If you try to go with the Demotivational motif, maybe something like:
It's hard to keep them.
But just look at your co-workers.
Could they possibly have any good ones anyway?
I find your faith in your own system... disturbing.
Goes with the B&W meancing pose, doesn't it? That's a motivational poster I would actually pay for.
All the encryption in the world won't help if you give out your password for a chocolate bar
WOULD YOU TRUST THIS MAN WITH YOUR DATA?
Of course not. That's why his algorithms are public.
Two fish with scrambled eggs
Security - I know you think it's perfect. But it's not.
More than meets the eye
cheesy, but is what comes to mind.
is not just what you want to get
but what you're willing to give up in exchange.
If you've got Perfect Security, then boy do I have a deal for you!
The only Perpetual Motion
Even though the original caption was hilarious indeed, this one is at least as good:
B.S. not BS
For a demotivational poster I would prefer
Your Encryption Algorithm
Means little to guys like this
"When you feel secure: you're not"
"When you trust your security, you're not doing it well"
"Tell me: how comes that twice ROT 13 is not as good as single ROT 13? Well?"
"Security is like water: only the dead don't need it"
(Yes, not too grand, nut it's early and I haven't had enough coffee, but my contributions will make the others' look better)
Don't pick obvious passwords, like "squid".
Security should be left to squid.
For security theatre please see your government
Glad you liked it.
What do YOU think of these suggestions? Amused enough to smile?
I want Schlock's Rule #30.
= A little trust goes a long way.
= The less you use the further you'll go.
This seems to be a new Internet meme. I saw a great one the other day with a picture of John McCarthy: "PROGRAMMING: You're Doing It Completely Wrong."
Expending all of your resources and making people do rediculous things to thwart a threat that is less likely than being struck down by an meteorite.
I liked it.
All Your Liberty Are Belong to Us
Neither do you deserve your Security
Liberty and Security
Ben Franklin was right
Missing Your Liberties?
Not such a good trade for your Security, was it?!?
Just an illusion
Work Hard For It.
"You keep using that word" is good, but a reference some people are likely to miss.
"What have you broken lately?"
Just because you’re paranoid, doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.
What? Me worry?
Of course, I'd use the picture you have on your website.
Here's another (obscure) reference:
No one listens to Zathras...
Don't leave it to the professionals.
(Thinking DHS ...)
Not all professionals are created equal.
Security: If you can't make it, fake it.
BTW When I forget web address, I just google for "bruce security".
Bogus Security Should Make You Mad as Hell
I've got to admit a liking for "if you can do your job, we're not doing ours", even it it's a bit unfair on Bruce.
How about "Bruce Schneier: Together We Can Win The War On The War On T-Shirts" (on a t-shirt).
"We'll let you know.
Please put your clothes on now".
It's the expression on his face ...
If you think risk is funny,
risk your live and safe money.
There is no security by obscurity.
Beards and shadows are not enough;
"Dining Crytopgraphers" only available as one of a set of five matching B&W prints. The other four prints: Ross Anderson, Whit Diffie, William F. Friedman and Esdgar W. Dijkstra.
Alice, how many times do I have to tell you that "Bob" is not a good password?
Bob, how many times do I have to tell you that "Alice" is not a good password?
No Eve, there is no Clipper chip in my phone.
Do it right, or Bruce is gonna git'cha
New Encryption Algorithm?
Let _me_ look at your ciphertext.
"Head or chin? Security is a trade-off"
Have you seen the "Moustache of Terror" on Halfbakery?
One of the posters calls themselves,
"2 fries shy of a happy meal"
WHich you could of course put under any photograph you care to think of 8)
haiku poster text anyone?
Bruce has warned us about this
The lawyers circle
To keep secrets safe
From the prying eyes of Eve
...Good encryption keys
The Final Frontier.
Do YOU Know Where Your Vulnerabilities Are?
Have You Ranked Your Risks Today?
I iz in ur db p0wnin yer cvv
I think Bruce should be offended by the original. By common use of the phrase "You're doing it wrong", it's saying that Bruce Schneier is the wrong way to do security.
James: You rock, man! Thanks!
Free Squid Every Friday.
"Everything I don't know about security, I learned from this man."
Looking at Bruce's expression on the poster, I would go with something like this:
-The mind has no firewall-
SECURITY - ARE YOU AWARE?
Schneier: "Thinking outside of the S-Box."
Isn't that the gist of what you say though? ;)
Security: More than a feeling
Refused to be Terrorized!
Security: How much do you want to think you have?
Security: Call for a free screening 1-800-AIRPORT
Security advice #23: Don't grow a beard before flying.
Security: How scared should we be?
For this poster:
Then a second poster with, say, a prominent VP with the following caption:
Security: You're really not secure until he says your secure!
Security Theater At Its Best
Its Bruce's Way of Telling You Something's Wrong
A Prime Example of a True Mod
"And you thought Eve was a friend."
btw, the design of the poster appears to be taken from and/or similar to those found at despair.com
Some of the best I've seen.
Excellent. I like it as it is.
I'll pack this neatly on top of my clothes when I travel now. When the border guards open my bag...
Maybe this would work too?
"It is not the technology, stupid"
"I am positive that things will be secure. Not for you of course, but for someone."
Ah, here's another:
"Feeling secure? Maybe you shouldn't."
"Theater is no substitute"
Yes I see your little friend
Doesn't it feel better knowing I'm on your side?
Do you feel secure, punk?
Pseudo Random Numbers
The image of my beard will NOT provide them for you. Get your own entropy.
It's Ten O'Clock somewhere in the world--Do YOU know where your data is?
Seriously, get a better picture of Schneier for that poster-child event, that picture is not the best for engendering the respect and trust he deserves from the public.
What you see is NOT What you get
a) I used the first decent picture I found
b) Gimp, not a web generator
c) Some nice alternate captions. I wanted "Bruce Schneier is suspicious" (from a boingboing post) but it didn't seem to fit at the time.
"Bruce Schneier is suspicious of your algorithm" works better.
I like the slogan "Jeff" left in the comments:
Never before have so many wasted so much on so little.
Actually I love the quote. Ever see "Mr. Mom" staring Michael Keaton? One of the kids says "You're doing it wrong" while the dad is doing laundry I think.
I see what you did there."
SECURITY: Moses brings God's word on security down from the mountain, encrypted with SHA-E20:1/17 (Sinai Hebrew Algorithm, Exodus 20:1-17)
"Would you give this man you password?"
SCHNEIER ON SECURITY
You know you want it!
Subtext for "SECURITY":
Are you paranoid *enough*?
Did you *think* about it?
Don't make me come down there.
Nothing to see - move along.
' OR 1=1;--
(I'm sure others can come up with a *clever* one for that last...)
Only YOU can defeat SECURITY.
What are you willing to give up for it?
Where the only good looking model is a Threat Model
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