How to Avoid Kidnapping Children on Halloween

A useful guide.

Posted on October 31, 2016 at 2:27 PM • 16 Comments

Comments

DanielOctober 31, 2016 2:38 PM

The best way to avoid a kidnapping is (a) never be a kid or (b) never be caught napping.

nomOctober 31, 2016 4:17 PM

@Toponym: I get something between 28 to 36 (visiting from Germany). It changes every time I refresh. Also, some of them take more than 30 seconds to respond. Where are you visiting from?

Clive RobinsonOctober 31, 2016 4:56 PM

@ Bruce,

That piece is wrong at so many levels...

Trust me they are called "rugrats" for good reason and that alone should give due warning to people that do not currently have any to stear well clear of them as you would do any other "steaming pile".

Further they are crawlies designed to creep you out as those trails of snot and less pleasantness get ground into every conceivable --and quite a few inconceivable-- places.

As they grow you start to fear every step you take lest some toy with wheels, sharp edges or both get underfoot and fell you like a conifer struck by lightning.

Those little gummy fingers will find every fragile item even that dreadfull vase your aunt Matilda gave you as a wedding present that you carefully hid out of sight on that top shelf. It of course will not break, but will bounce on the way down, straight into the 50" plasma screen minutes befor the big match what few friends you --have left after your nuptials-- have come around to watch.

If we only looked back at how we treated our parents honestly we would feal a chill had grip our chests every time we saw anything remotely like a "cute chubby thing" and run for the monestry / abby and plead for refuge ;-)

And remember "They Do Not Come with User Guides, Manuals or Return Policies"...

Nope nope nopeOctober 31, 2016 6:08 PM

Thank you for this advice Mr. Schneier, although I must confess I find it somewhat whimsical.

There are actually people who struggle with sexual attraction to minors (myself included), and who would benefit from a less stereotypical portrayal.

Especially the young pedophiles would be better served being told that they don't have to act on their sexual urges, and that they are just as much deserving of respect and appreciation as anybody else who never does anything wrong.

That's just my two cents (as a hebephile).

rNovember 1, 2016 12:47 AM

sugar is the answer to your kid napping, feed them diabetes instead of dying of beatings.

Children are a Grand Parents revenge.

rNovember 1, 2016 1:20 AM

@Wael,

I have a different more stereotypical "grape" "rape" joke, but the ACLU and others wouldn't like me for sharing it.

It's a shame you can't drink wine, it's a good stock even if it does bite a little.

WaelNovember 1, 2016 1:32 AM

@r,

I have a different more stereotypical "grape" "rape" joke, but the ACLU and others wouldn't like me for sharing it.

And I have a few that would get me banned without warning ;)

I have no energy these days! I'm already sleepy and it's not midnight yet. But I wake up around 5:00AM. Somehow my internal clock got messed up.

ToponymNovember 1, 2016 3:58 AM

@ nom
After I commented I realised that blocking was off on ghostery - earlier I'd cleaned up the phone a bit over zealously - and when blocking is on I only get ten trackers. Quite a difference 54 vs 10!

Jesse ThompsonNovember 1, 2016 5:28 PM

I clicked hoping it would be some insightful piece about how poorly constructed laws lead to ordinary halloween social behaviors like trick or treating or parties to technically constitute kidnapping in certain circumstances or something along those lines.

Nope, just paragraphs of child objectification that would make Jonathon Swift lose his lunch. xD

otherwiseNovember 1, 2016 6:45 PM

I just heard a teacher -- a female teacher, mind you -- talking to a coworker on the street, "Who was that little girl (... we saw somewhere ...) ? She's so cute! I want her in my class next year! What a darling!"

A. I want to barf when I hear stuff like that.

B. School districts wonder why they don't have more male teachers.

C. Right. I just want to barf. Puke my guts out. Feel sorry for the kids that get "dolled" and "princessed" and fondled all day long at school, and shuttled off half-naked to ballet lessons after school by their loving parents.

Momentary MessageNovember 2, 2016 4:01 PM

@Nope nope nope. Sorry, can't do respect and appreciation. Tolerance and sympathy is the most you can hope for. You lose those if you ever act on your urges. Good luck in your struggles, and I hope you find and receive the help you need.

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