c February 17, 2012 3:51 PM

don’t you just hate it when you look inside and there’s a digital clock face ticking down to zero? with about 14 seconds left?

antibozo February 17, 2012 4:08 PM

A suspicious package would be one that has shifty little eyes and is looking around nervously.

On the other hand, a package that unattended in an unusual place would be a suspect package.

Eventual Majesty February 17, 2012 4:10 PM

When I went through the full body scanner, the tech said I had a suspicious looking package. I was certain no one tampered with it without my knowledge.

Dr. I. Needtob Athe February 17, 2012 4:15 PM

“Suspicious” is a strange word anyway, with a double meaning. If a cop has an alert and alarmed expression on his face when he spots a person crawling through a window, you could say that the cop looks suspicious, but you could also say that the reason the cop looks suspicious is that the person he sees looks suspicious.

John Campbell February 17, 2012 10:39 PM

As I heard about this– my son & daughter were visiting family just down the street from the “package”– it turned out to be a portable typewriter.

I guess a portable typewriter’s case would look suspicious to people who’ve never seen one before.

Clive Robinson February 18, 2012 5:03 AM

As some will remember a few years ago the Met Police and London Mayors Office ran a campaign about packages and the people carrying them, one was about men with beards and large bags. And they ran this just in time for Xmas…

Well they re ran a different campaign some time later about people and their luggage etc. Which prompted following jokes,

Q: How do you spot a suspicious bag?

A1: It’s an old bag covered in rocks and perls hanging off a Toy Boys arm.

A2: It’s a blonde hanging off a rich old man’s arm.

Smedley J. Pudwhiffle, Rational Citizen February 18, 2012 9:04 AM

There’s only one way we can all be safe from suspicious packages that are disguised as non-suspicious packages, and that is to write your congressperson and demand that we set up a multi-billion dollar new agency, The Department of Suspicious Packages, which will immediately declare that all packages are suspicious, and thus an immediate budget increase is warranted. If the letter you send them is really long, however, you’ll have to send it as a package, which will then be suspicious. Fortunately for you, however, The Department of Suspicious Packages will not yet exist, so it will probably get through, and we’ll all be safe at last.

Arthur A. A. February 18, 2012 10:50 AM

A poor single man’s old cat died.
Sadly, he didn’t know what to do with its body.
Living in a mid city walk-down, he had no ground to bury it in.
So, he hit on an idea. He put it gently in a box rolled in tissue paper,
and, as it was the holiday season, he also wrapped the box in gift wrap paper.
He tied it neatly with a bright ribbon.

He wanted to see how his new country would take care of the cat.
He took it with him onto a subway that went way out to the end of the line.
At the end of the line, as the train began to move into town again,
he walked to the far end of a now empty light railroad car,
set the box down on a seat, walked back to his seat,
and began reading a newspaper,
all the while watching carefully to see who would take care of the dead cat.
In a while, several dozen immigrants boarded the train,
One was a thief out on early release, and saw the box,
and waited a chance to steal the present.
One owned a popular burrito stand and taxidermy,
another cooked in a EastAsian restaraunt,
and some were briefcase commuters to the city University area.
Sure enough, when they reached Central Station,
the city police squad came, cleared everyone from the car,
and blew the dead cat to smithereens.

The city honored even a poor man’s dead cat with a loud send-off salute.

It took the transit authority two hours to clean the car.

Paranoia destroys ya February 18, 2012 10:52 AM

Why do they use briefcases as an example of a suspicious package? I’m only aware of a briefcase bomb used in New Delhi but never in the the US.

Gweihir February 18, 2012 11:01 AM

A “suspicious” package is the perfect package, as it is exactly the same as a non-suspicious package. Hence, you have a perfect solution for supply and demand, as you can “suspicify” and “de-suspicify” packages just as you need! And packages of all kinds are normally available in abundance. I have to say I really admire the efficiency of the idea.

I also hear this idea is now applied in modified form to turn common idiots into terrorists, whenever fear of terrorism drops too low. A bit more effort, but you get the complete evidence in advance, as law-enforcement is actually supplying ideas, equipment and motivation to the idiot in order to effect the reclassification. Brilliant!

D. Kleining February 19, 2012 12:22 PM

OK, I think we’ve now firmly established that they ARE putting something into the water.

I just hope the rocket gets here soon. You know, the one that will take me back to fricking EARTH!

Robin Bradshaw February 19, 2012 6:37 PM

I like the USPS guide to identifying suspicious postal packages:
It could equally be viewed as a guide to identifying when your ebay purchase has arrived because it will be wrapped like that.

Jake February 20, 2012 6:47 PM

@Victor Barnes, and those who observe Victor Barnes:

dang, the spambots are starting to enter the uncanny valley.

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