The Onion on National Security

"Smart, Qualified People Behind the Scenes Keeping America Safe: 'We Don't Exist'"

Posted on September 10, 2010 at 1:03 PM • 18 Comments

Comments

AndrewSeptember 10, 2010 4:56 PM

It is occasionally surreal to have both CNN and The Onion on one's Twitter feed. One sometimes has to look again to check the source. And yes, this was the article I cited a few posts back.

Matthew WollenweberSeptember 10, 2010 4:57 PM

When people ask me about working for the "DoD" near Fort Meade they seem to expect hushed whispers alluding to something out of "The Puzzle Palace". Instead, I explain that the agency is what you'd get if you imagined the most inflated and backward government bureaucracy possible, and then let it grow with virtually no oversight and an unlimited budget for 50 years where no one is allowed to see how crazy it is and even most Congressmen cannot step on the grounds unescorted.

Mike F.September 10, 2010 5:06 PM

Regarding MCB's comment about the length of a four day week, a four day week is definitely longer than a five day week. Consider: in a five day week, the half way point is mid-Wednesday. In a week without a Monday, the halfway point is the end of Wednesday. If the half-way point is further away, the entire week must be longer.

Of course, it doesn't work if you're getting a Friday off or using the metric system.

HarrySeptember 10, 2010 7:40 PM

"And, despite the widely held belief in some sort of all-knowing superagency that secretly controls all the other intelligence branches from above, attempts by reporters to contact such an agency were unsuccessful, as there is no way this is actually a thing."

This is actually true.

ytSeptember 11, 2010 11:09 AM

@Mark J. "I thought The Onion only produced satire. When did they switch to reporting reality?"

Over the past few years, the real headlines have been sounding more and more like the Onion. Personally, I think they're not so much satire writers as scarily accurate clairvoyants.

NimitySeptember 11, 2010 11:41 PM

@ Mark J.

"I thought The Onion only produced satire. When did they switch to reporting reality?"

Late 2001, I think.

TangurenaSeptember 13, 2010 11:23 AM

>Mr Wollenweber, should you be telling us that? Surely this information is classified?

It is classified "Top Stupid" because it would cause "exceptionally grave damage" to any country that tries to copy it.

Peter E RetepSeptember 13, 2010 5:29 PM

Our school district has decided that the Onion should not be permitted
to be accessed by the school district staff,
undoubtedly as a part of the push that everything that appears in print MUST be true,
and no FALSE words can be permitted.

Maybe in expectation of Prop 19 passing?

To quote the former Prime Minister,
"Oh my paws and whiskers, but they believe a lot of unmitigated nonsense."
From now on only mitigated monosense will be acceptable.

Nick PSeptember 14, 2010 1:27 AM

@ moo

Thanks for the link. That was awesome. It's kind of creepy though: it was like they successfully predicted the future in so many ways. What do you think?

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