Dear Parent (of Child)
St. Claus takes his responsibilities to comply with national, state and local laws very seriously. In accordance with California Civil Code 1798.29, it is my duty to inform you that your child's unencrypted personal information is reasonably believed to have been acquired by unauthorized persons and supernatural entities.
In order to track which children have been naughty or nice, as well as where to deliver gifts, Claus Industries must maintain aggregated records of Naughtiness (TM) and Nicety (TM) as well as the physical addresses at which children are expected to be on Christmas Day, in combination with the full and complete names ("True Name") of your children.
In 2009 for reasons of economy Claus Industries made the decision to switch from HAL to Diviner as our database provider of choice. Name notwithstanding, we did not realize that Diviner is under the majority ownership of an entity whom a devout Christian would refer to as the Adversary. Due to ongoing law enforcement operations and celestial-infernal disputes, we are unable to fully disclose the exact nature of the breach at this time.
It is your responsibility to guard your personal identity information from compromise or misuse. A True Name can be used to access information, blackmail, compel obedience, possess and in rare cases destroy the soul of any entity, possibly including your child(ren).
Because of the disclosure of your True Name, you may wish to contact NameGuard or other magikal name protection services. Christian subscribers are reminded that invoking the name of your Savior provides absolute protection; however, this safety message is not intended to discriminate against believers in other faiths. Renaming your child may also be an option that you may wish to consider at this time.
Atheists are advised that no action is necessary or advised in response to this message.
If any gift received on or around Christmas Day smells of fire, brimstone or other noxious substances, please immediately discard according to your jurisdiction's guidelines for the handling of household hazardous waste.
As our age databaase has been corrupted, please hand this letter to your minor child if and only if they are over fifteen (15) years of age. It is necessary to remind you that we are a mandatory reporter of Naughtiness (TM) and Nicety (TM) to a number of supernatural reporting bureaus and reputation tracking activities.
This message has also been posted on various Web sites including NORAD and santa.com
We appreciate the opportunity to gift your child(ren) with toys during each yearly holiday season and appreciate your patience as we resolve this matter.
E. Scrooge, Esq.
(for Clause Industries)