Defending Against Movie-Plot Threats with Movie Characters


Seeking to quell fears of terrorists somehow breaking out of America’s top-security prisons and wreaking havoc on the defenseless heartland, President Barack Obama moved quickly to announce an Anti-Terrorist Strike Force headed by veteran counterterrorism agent Jack Bauer and mutant superhero Wolverine. Already dubbed a “dream team,” their appointment is seen by experts as a crucial step in reducing the mounting incidents of national conservatives and congressional Democrats crapping their pants.

“I believe a fictional threat is best met with decisive fictional force,” explained President Obama. “Jack Bauer and Wolverine are among the very best we have when in comes to combating fantasy foes.” Mr. Bauer said, “We’re quite certain that our prisons are secure. Osama bin Laden and his agents wouldn’t dare attempt a break-out, and would fail miserably if they tried. But I love this country. And should Lex Luthor, Magneto or the Loch Ness Monster attack, we’ll be there to stop them.”

Posted on May 26, 2009 at 6:09 AM34 Comments


Clive Robinson May 26, 2009 6:40 AM

But what about our B’movie fav’s such as “the Killer Tomato’s”, or Godziller, “the zombi… OMGod theres so many of them…

Then of course there are the “Vixen Vampires” which was more “late saturday night” viewing as opposed to “early saturday might / afternoons” and thus altogether more adult in it’s outlook ;0

Hey this could be fun 8)

Swashbuckler May 26, 2009 7:47 AM

“a good ol’ fashioned American Uzi.”

Gotta love the irony in that…

Eric May 26, 2009 8:15 AM

Darn, and I was so hoping for the crime fighting styles of Fat Albert and Dr Peter Venkman.

Trichinosis USA May 26, 2009 8:26 AM

Wolverine doesn’t hurt my eyes any, but Gigantor wouldn’t quibble about the need for extraordinary rendition or be troubled by ignoring the Constitution or the UCMJ. And seriously, that Professor Katzmeow guy needs to be dealt with.

Davi Ottenheimer May 26, 2009 9:10 AM

Decisive fictional force. I like the sound of that. In related news, will someone please give Cheney a clue? It’s like he thinks telling us 183 times that he was right will somehow convince us. Enough already.

mckt May 26, 2009 9:19 AM

If you add Bruce Campbell to the mix, you can easily deal with zombies, evil spirits, and alien invasion.

Steve May 26, 2009 10:00 AM

I’d recently wondered out loud whether the bars at Gitmo were made of Kryptonite, making them impervious to the superpowers of The Worst of the Worst.

Perhaps we need to exile all of the baddies into The Forbidden Zone or whatever that interdimensional space is into which Superman chucks his archenemies (forgive my lapse of memory — it’s been a long time since I was 12 years old).

Rich Wilson May 26, 2009 10:59 AM

I’m sure they’ll consult with that Schneier guy about the backdoor in whatever crypto Al Qaeda is using.

JeffH May 26, 2009 11:22 AM

The Phantom Zone.

It’s been a long time for me, as well. However I’m blessed/cursed with RAM – Randomly Accessible Memory. I see something, store it away, and remember it at random times.

MarkH May 26, 2009 12:12 PM

Just recently watched the movie, “Stand by Me,” in which one of the boys raised the question: in a fight between Mighty Mouse and Superman, who would win? Another boy said that it was a stupid question, because Superman is REAL.

PackagedBlue May 26, 2009 12:29 PM

The CyberSecurity Czar should be a RIAA lawyer. Yeah, thats good drama!

DOJ is the new RIAA. F* letter agency, as if TLA were not enough.

Considering that M$ has major clout in government, grr, things will get interesting.

Guardrails for the internet? Sony top man plan.

Major clowning around, god help us, we are going to need IT!

james May 26, 2009 12:31 PM

I think we’re all forgetting that Wolverine is not a US citizen. He’s Canadian, and given his activities with the X-Men and on his own he’s probably considered a terrorist (or at least mercenary) himself in some circles. His loyalties would always be suspect.

Tangerine Blue May 26, 2009 1:03 PM

I object to implying that the threat of terrorism in the USA is fictional. It’s as real as Davy Crockett.

crispy May 26, 2009 1:56 PM

When is the next Shneier movie plot threat contest? I just thought up a zinger.

Greg H. May 26, 2009 4:01 PM

I can’t believe Obama didn’t nominate a Jedi to the job – he just lost some credibility in my eyes. Sheesh, taking Jack Bauer and Wolverine over Luke Skywalker? What kind of leader is he…..;-)

Thomas May 26, 2009 4:46 PM

“Shouldn’t Chuck Norris be on the team?”

Nah, he’s busy holding down the Cybersecurity Czar job

David Donahue May 26, 2009 6:03 PM

The trouble with having fictional defenses is that they will use the tools of movie fiction to fight the fictional terrorists.

First off, as compared to real life, when you have this situation, the terrorists will be a lot better financed, some of their terrorist troops will be significantly more competent and their plan will be much larger in scope and will in fact actually be plausible.

Even the best fictional defensive personnel will be unable to counter all but the final phase of the plot and it will be a very near thing indeed when finally the good guys narrowly win.

Increasing the defenses will have no effect on countering the nearness of the plot going the other way.

It’s highly likely that a large number of police personnel will die as well as there being several highly public and gruesome civilian causalities.

Throughout the attack incredible amounts of property damage and fiery explosions will occur, inflicted by both sides of the conflict.

In the end, while most of the terrorists will be killed, the leader and key lieutenants will either avoid capture and/or escape from incarceration and return even better financed and with an even more ambitious terrorist plot.

Frankly, successful real life terrorists cause a lot less damage than even thwarted fictional ones.

I’m glad we have real terrorists rather than fighting them in a fictional world.

It’s a heck of a lot safer if you’re not a leading character.

Brandioch Conner May 26, 2009 7:16 PM

@David Donahue
“It’s a heck of a lot safer if you’re not a leading character.”

So the solution would be for everyone to be the lead character. All we need is a theme song for each person and a few seconds of them looking heroic with their name blazoned on the screen.

funkyj May 26, 2009 7:19 PM

Not “Chuck Norris” — “Walker, Texas Ranger” should be on the team. I know I know, Chuck Norris feels like a fictional character to you …

Peter E Retep May 26, 2009 7:40 PM

re: good ol’ fashioned American Uzi

This actually was the Ingram,
which factory was sold, lock, stock, and barrels, abroad.
I once knew the man who arranged the sale.

bob May 27, 2009 6:31 AM

@Davi Ottenheimer: Leave Cheney alone. Anyone who can shoot a lawyer in the US and get away with it is the best role model we could hope for!

@funkyj: I would have thought Matt Hunter (Invasion USA) would be a better Norris alter ego for this mission.

IMDB May 27, 2009 8:52 AM

Bruce Willis, Stallone, Swartzenegger, and to a lesser extent, the Segals, Van Damms, and Norrises.

Clive Robinson May 27, 2009 11:44 AM

@ David Donahue,

“It’s a heck of a lot safer if you’re not a leading character.”

Have you ever seen the film “evolution”?

Some quotes that stick in my mind from the second male lead…

“There’s always time for lubricant”,

“I’ve seen this film and the black dude get’s it”


“I think we have established that hey tooky took does not work”.

Appart from the blatant “Head-n-Shoulders” promo as far as “sending up” movies goes it’s one of the better ones.

yt May 27, 2009 12:56 PM

Forget Jack Bauer and Wolverine. The Care Bears will bring us world peace. One Care Bear Stare, and the terrorists will have a permanent change of heart.

bobechs May 28, 2009 1:05 PM

I don’t think anyone has yet digested the true significance that Chuck Norris is not on this team.

It implies that he has gone over to the adversary.

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Black Oops May 29, 2009 1:29 PM

I thought you were talking about the new
“cyber tsar” and the massive propaganda campaign
that is reverberating through the media as
cover for the coming out of the Dept. of War’s
Cyber War operations. Wearing tent-like
uniforms, cheese doodle eating Mountain Dew
drinking elite cyber troops are waddling to the expensive office chairs on the front lines.

Take that Osama. Now you are quaking in your

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