"Conceptual Terrorists Encase Sears Tower In Jell-O"

From The Onion:

“Your outdated ideas of what terrorism is have been challenged,” an unidentified, disembodied voice announces following the video’s first 45 minutes of random imagery set to minimalist techno music. “It is not your simple bourgeois notion of destructive explosions and weaponized biochemical agents. True terror lies in the futility of human existence.”


While officials have yet to determine the purpose of the attack, a number of potential theories have emerged, including the sudden deregulation of the U.S. economy, the destruction of culturally significant landmarks, and maybe the fact that man, in his essence, is no more than a collection of irrational fragments, incapable of finding reason where no reason exists.

Posted on October 20, 2007 at 10:50 AM13 Comments


Erik W October 20, 2007 11:47 AM

Actually, I think they may already have struck. There is an…object on the lakefront in Chicago that is every bit as inexplicable and bizarre as encasing the Sears Tower in jell-o would be. Some sort of giant chrome kidney….

Tree October 20, 2007 2:54 PM

If someone encased the Sears Tower in jello and called it art, would we have to invade France?

Thomas October 20, 2007 6:12 PM

Note the date on the article? Over 42 dog-years after that fateful day!

Is the latent genius DHS policies finally apparent?

Imagine how much earlier this attack could have taken place if terrorists hadn’t been restricted to 4 ounces of jell-o per flight!

Imagine the devastating confusion it could have caused if it were not for DHS’s ceaseless campaign heighten the average citizens resistance to meaninglessness.

Imagine how much more difficult it would have been to clear the carnage with metal knives and forks rather than DHS approved plastic sporks!

kiwano October 20, 2007 10:37 PM

This is a shocking and confusing act indeed. Why couldn’t the terrorists have used a more likely flavour of Jell-O, like lime.

However in times of such confusion and uncertainty, it is indeed comforting to see the government act exactly as expected: taking pointless actions against ordinary citizens in the name of preventing “another aesthetic tragedy” while it continues to prop up the regimes of architects like Gehry and Libeskind.

Anonymous October 21, 2007 2:01 AM

“””… Why couldn’t the terrorists have used a more likely flavour of Jell-O, like lime.”””

Can’t you tell that the pictures were photoshopped to disguise the actual agent used!

Revealing such details that were obviously withheld from the general public is utterly irresponsible!

Who’s side are you on?!?

Paul October 21, 2007 9:45 AM

I keep my “Schneier on Security” feed right next to my “The Onion” feed. At first I thought they got moved around 🙂

Ex-Chicagoan October 22, 2007 2:40 PM

The terrorists’ primary goof – they forgot that most Jello in the Midwest has either grapes or carrot shavings in it.

Just imagine the armor potential of a foot-thick slab of Jello filled with shredded carrots and mini marshmallows. Tastes better than Kevlar as well!

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