Dave Barry on Super Bowl Security
Also, if you are planning to go to the Super Bowl game on Sunday, be aware that additional security measures will be in effect, as follows:
- WHEN TO ARRIVE: All persons attending the game MUST arrive at the stadium no later than 7:45 a.m. yesterday. There will be NO EXCEPTIONS. I am talking to you, Prince.
- PERSONAL BELONGINGS: Fans will not be allowed to take anything into the stadium except medically required organs. If you need, for example, both kidneys, you will be required to produce a note from your doctor, as well as your actual doctor.
- TAILGATING: There will be no tailgating. This is to thwart the terrorists, who are believed to have been planning a tailgate-based attack (code name ”Death Hibachi”) involving the detonation of a nuclear bratwurst capable of leveling South Florida, if South Florida was not already so level to begin with.
- TALKING: There will be no talking.
- PERMITTED CHEERS: The National Football League, in conjunction with the Department of Homeland Security, the FBI, the CIA and Vice President Cheney, has approved the following three cheers for use during the game: (1) ”You suck, ref!” (2) ”Come on, (Name of Team)!” (3) “You suck, Prince!”
Back in 2004, I wrote a more serious essay on security at the World Series.