The Onion on TSA's Liquid Ban

“New Air-Travel Guidelines”:

Elaine Siegel, Sales Representative
“Thank God. I don’t think I’d be able to make one more flight from New York to Chicago with a mouthful of shampoo.”

Alex Hunter, Surveyor
“The ban was a necessary precaution. We have to be willing to make these kinds of sacrifices if we’re going to prevent scientifically impossible terrorist attacks.”

Ed Johansen, Systems Analyst
“By giving passengers renewed access to these gels, lotions, and shampoos, we run the risk of creating a very dangerous and highly evasive super-slippery terrorist able to avoid all manners of restraint.”

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Posted on October 1, 2006 at 9:41 AM • 11 Comments

Comments

roy • October 1, 2006 2:44 PM

I think The Onion was incensed that they had been out-Onioned by the TSA itself.

The trouble with trying to satirize something loony is that the satire may be more sensible than what it’s trying to make fun of.

mpd • October 1, 2006 5:26 PM

We all know the most dangerous criminal is the super-slippery criminal.

“How’d he get away Sergeant?”
“We tried to grab him Chief, but he just slipped right through our arms!”

LonerVamp • October 2, 2006 1:00 PM

Quick! There are security holes in Apple that are addressed by recent security patches! Quick! Run through your office and take all the Apple computers from your users and lock them into a room until Apple states that its OS is absolutely bulletproof and perfect!

(And that’s not to get anyone started on Windows…hah!)

Anonymous Coward • October 2, 2006 4:36 PM

“The ban was a necessary precaution. We have to be willing to make these kinds of sacrifices if we’re going to prevent scientifically impossible terrorist attacks.”

This is the best description of the current situation and of the general public’s reaction that i have seen so far.

Anonymous • October 6, 2006 4:22 AM

Seems like we Europeans need our own edition of The Onion…

“Based on information received from the Finnish aviation authorities, new security regulations concerning the transport of liquids will be complied with on all flights. New regulations applying to security controls will also be introduced. Tax-free purchases can be made as earlier.

The EU’s new regulations apply to all liquid substances carried as hand baggage. These include aerosols, gels, beverages, toothpastes, perfumes, foams and various creams. From the start of November, passengers may take with them on board just one transparent toilet bag or plastic bag containing travel pack sized liquid toilet requisites.

  • The content of any one toiletry may not exceed 100 ml. Toiletry items must fit into a one-litre transparent and reclosable toilet bag or plastic bag (eg. Minigrip bag).
  • Medicines and baby food required during the flight may also be taken into the cabin.
  • Other liquid products must be packed with baggage going into the hold. All other security regulations remain unchanged.”

Hypokeimenon • November 16, 2006 4:51 AM

can I bring onboard 100ml of Nitroglycerin?

some screeners in Schiphol don’t have a clue about what Nitroglycerin is…:))

Or, can I bring some bottles of 100 ml of components and mix them together in the toilet of the plane?
They sure fits the EU regulations…:)

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