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November 16, 2010
Security Haiku
These could surely be better. Anyone?
Posted on November 16, 2010 at 1:22 PM • 126 Comments
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Chris Sanner • November 16, 2010 1:36 PM
senseless rules and gropes
airlines safe at last for all
people stop flying
Chris Sanner • November 16, 2010 1:37 PM
Senseless rules and gropes
airline travel safe for all!
no one flies anymore
kevin • November 16, 2010 1:39 PM
I should walk through where?
Yes, I am really that big
Do not pat me down
kevin • November 16, 2010 1:43 PM
Explosive sniffer
Satchel charge sack repurposed
No scent detected
kevin • November 16, 2010 1:46 PM
Get a dogging wrench
Password is too difficult
Damn, now he can't speak.
eric r • November 16, 2010 1:51 PM
First it was your shoes
Then you "opted out", so please
Turn your head and cough
aikimark • November 16, 2010 1:54 PM
scissors, shoes, fluids
another inconvenience
knee-jerk reactions
Ukabu • November 16, 2010 2:01 PM
Born naked you are
Board a plane naked you are
What is the matter?
Ralph • November 16, 2010 2:02 PM
What are the odds of being on a flight where someone will do something really stupid or be a terrorists? 1 in 10M, 1 in 20M? The odds of being in serious car accident are so much higher? The odds of being killed by a drunk driver are much higher than being on a hijacked plane.
I'd rather have less security, less waste of taxpayer$$, less waste of time at the airport, than go thru the 'security theater' at airports.
Cost vs benefit, honest risk analysis and some sanity to this air security issue.
Steven Black • November 16, 2010 2:06 PM
Not home, far from it
No phillips, corkscrew, or blade
I miss my swiss knife
Gabriel • November 16, 2010 2:15 PM
They laid claim to our crotch
If we say nothing now
They'll probe our arse
Neil • November 16, 2010 2:22 PM
I'd just like to say
'Thank you, George W Bush'
I hope you're happy
Louie • November 16, 2010 2:27 PM
Full body scanner?
No thanks. But I will take a
"happy ending", please.
George • November 16, 2010 2:41 PM
@Ralph
You missed the concept.
Haikus have specific form.
It's five - seven - five.
Erik W • November 16, 2010 2:48 PM
@ Pete:
You are correct. Try these:
Like the autumn leaves
Our rights flutter to the ground
So too, our trousers.
Like tributaries
our many streams of invective
An ocean of bile
Trey Jackson • November 16, 2010 3:01 PM
An Airport Checkpoint?
You either picture me nude
Or you touch my junk
Dude • November 16, 2010 3:05 PM
Neil,
Really? Blaming Bush for something that Obamination's TSA and Big Sis are doing? Really?
kingsnake • November 16, 2010 3:10 PM
JohnVI: +1
Dude: Under whose watch was the TSA created, the Patriot Act passed, etc?
Let's bring it back • November 16, 2010 3:18 PM
Real security
It is just a synonym
For the word "Freedom"
HJohn • November 16, 2010 3:20 PM
@kingsnake: "Under whose watch was the TSA created, the Patriot Act passed, etc?"
______
Under that logic, nothing the CIA and FBI did on Bush's watch is his fault since he did not create them.
Absurd.
jaundist • November 16, 2010 3:24 PM
Audacity's hope-
quantitative easing or
just printing money?
junk is junk
AlanS • November 16, 2010 3:26 PM
Why Haiku? Don't you think Tanka, another type of Japanese short poetry, would be more appropriate given that the TSA share an abbreviation with the Tanka Society of America.
HJohn • November 16, 2010 3:27 PM
May want to move the TSA under the health care bureaucracy. They might as well provide mammograms, colonoscopies, and turn-your-head-and-cough tests while they are in the area. An opportunity to streamline and reduce redundancy.
Geek Prophet • November 16, 2010 3:33 PM
@ Dude
Unfortunate fact
Rights lost to leaders now gone
Rarely are given back
Yes, I can blame the Bush Administration. Bush's supporters would claim credit for a successful policy begun under Bush that Obama keeps, so it is equally fair to for him to receive the blame, too.
Note that I didn't say Obama isn't to blame, as well. But that doesn't make Bush suddenly clean for everything the TSA does after he pushed to create it and set its policies.
noble_serf • November 16, 2010 3:43 PM
culture of fear here
oh what we hath ourselves wrought
the worst of man wins
jsteele • November 16, 2010 3:59 PM
George Bush started it.
Obama continues it.
What would Palin do?
aikimark • November 16, 2010 4:08 PM
you've met 'resistance'
I turn my head and cough, cough
but you're not a doc
pKp • November 16, 2010 4:15 PM
From Europe's airports
We watch and cannot believe.
What have you become ?
Rob • November 16, 2010 4:18 PM
If you see something
Then you have to say something
We're all watchers now
Mark S • November 16, 2010 4:30 PM
T.S.A. will not
Be happy until we fly
Naked and in chains.
(With apologies to a friend of mine, who first told me the "naked and in chains" line some years ago.)
Petréa Mitchell • November 16, 2010 5:16 PM
Not a terrorist
But I'll make you extra safe
By taking the train
Rob • November 16, 2010 5:44 PM
Terrorist sees it
long lines at airport checkin
laughs as liberties crumble
Fred Rodgers • November 16, 2010 6:07 PM
>May want to move the TSA under the health care bureaucracy.
Now TSA wants to capture x-rays of me (protected health information).
I think they should already be covered by the HIPAA privacy rules.
John Hardin • November 16, 2010 6:21 PM
Okay, now we need to find an on-demand t-shirt place to make these - one that can print the haiku/senryū in foil so it is readable through your outer garments as you go through the scanner...
I wonder if printing them in foil on card stock would work in the bag x-ray machines? Stamping them out of sheet metal would, of course, work, but is a little spendy.
hoodathunkit • November 16, 2010 6:51 PM
Airline scans for health
Barack's unified program
gropes for employment
.
Sell fear for power
promised safety vanishes
like lost liberties
Imperfect Citizen • November 16, 2010 6:55 PM
she listens
he says look in front of the drive train
when you clear the vehicle
a rare situation
Virtual-Apps • November 16, 2010 6:58 PM
if ($_SESSION['enter'])
echo 'dragons must guard sessions';
else exit('tiger');
tudza • November 16, 2010 7:28 PM
Cold wind on tarmac
Sheep move one by one through gate
Clean fleece for Christmas
Rich • November 16, 2010 7:36 PM
Based on Ben Franklin Quote:
He who gives up liberty
for some safety
deserves neither.
noble serf • November 16, 2010 8:06 PM
hey there security
i opt out please yes please yes
oh yes touch my junk
(i know it's horrible, but i had to)
Russ • November 16, 2010 8:34 PM
How about some limericks? The only possible benefit from the TSA might be a few laughs.
spaceman spiff • November 16, 2010 8:53 PM
TSA rules nauseate us
Airlines fail us
Railroads soon follow
spaceman spiff • November 16, 2010 8:54 PM
So, is the TSA a conspiracy of the automobile companies and oil industry to force us to drive everywhere?
Clive Robinson • November 16, 2010 9:03 PM
I'm told there is more to American Haiku than 575 such as "season words" and "cuts"... so,
Winter holds anew
our season of discontent...
plastic glove inside
spaceman spiff • November 16, 2010 9:03 PM
A ticket and book I did buy,
thinking that I'd read while in the sky.
The TSA frowned, saying "That book stays on the ground!",
and took it away before I could fly.
Dick_Manhard • November 16, 2010 10:31 PM
The X-ray screening
I willingly submit to
bomb is up my ass
Jim Russell • November 16, 2010 10:49 PM
Now they search pilots
Confiscate nail clippers, whew!
Axe in cockpit, d'oh!
B. D. Johnson • November 16, 2010 11:14 PM
Everytime we hear
"a post 9/11 world"
We all take a drink
Beta • November 16, 2010 11:17 PM
You said they'd protest
You said we couldn't strip them.
You owe me five bucks.
hoodathunkit • November 16, 2010 11:26 PM
OK Russ, here you go . . . . . .
A young man with his heart full of ardour,
Tried to board his flight near Boston Harbor,
His groin was found blurry,
and now he can't hurry.
Rubber gloves made his ardour much harder.
Inspiration from Dave Barry
http://blogs.herald.com/dave_barrys_blog/2010/11/...
Ravan Asteris • November 17, 2010 12:02 AM
Just "doing their job."
That line sounds familiar
... "following orders"?
Liberty, safety
They say we must trade them off.
Now we have neither one
Benjamin Franklin
Must be spinning in his grave
While we get felt up
This tempest will roil
For a news cycle or two
Then people won't care
Quietly boil frogs
That were once our civil rights
and sacred freedom
Soon enough, we will
Submit to searches for all
Public transportation
"Your papers please, sir"
Will be a mild and genteel
anacronism
Davi Ottenheimer • November 17, 2010 12:04 AM
Enough already
SecTheater is now over
Bruce for President
csrster • November 17, 2010 1:34 AM
Sorry, I only do Clerihews.
Bruce Schneier
Is smarter than I are
A history of cryptography
Is his autobiography
VincentS • November 17, 2010 1:50 AM
Passenger sits still
Shelter of winter branches
Spider fangs above
Adam • November 17, 2010 5:08 AM
Jihadist checks in
Joins long queue for security
Boom goes the carry-on
Richard Kulawiec • November 17, 2010 5:32 AM
Strip stare grope molest
Osama bin Laden's bitch
is the T S A
High school dropouts grope
Pedophiles assault children
This is T S A
Laura • November 17, 2010 5:45 AM
How were we convinced
That asserting our rights means
Asking to be groped?
J. G. Fellow • November 17, 2010 6:01 AM
A mirror; some smoke.
A shadow lifts from my soul.
Someone did something!
kingsnake • November 17, 2010 7:14 AM
Greek Prophet at November 16, 2010 3:33 PM: Bingo.
Safer airports have?
Bigger boom in Halifax.
Fun with cargo ships!
Aguirre • November 17, 2010 7:36 AM
Cold winter travel.
Scanned, profiled, certified safe,
Inert we are shipped.
Toshiro Mifune • November 17, 2010 7:45 AM
Notice that at no time
Do my fingers leave
The ends of my hands, Bitch!
David • November 17, 2010 8:00 AM
Bob in the airport
Why the handcuffs and taser?
I said "Bob" not "bomb"
zeb • November 17, 2010 10:01 AM
Backscatter x-ray
security theatre
rights are forgotten
money is wasted
safety is not a product
the fearmonger wins
OldFish • November 17, 2010 12:17 PM
The night comes early
Guns, laws, dogs biting our heels
Milling sheep, confused.
OldFish • November 17, 2010 12:21 PM
Brilliant stars shining
Collectively, a box of rocks
Soon to be gravel
KRR • November 17, 2010 12:56 PM
Agents start "oil checks"
Send lawyers, guns, and money
Get me out of this
(apologies to Warren Zevon)
James B • November 17, 2010 1:02 PM
Arms above your head
Pause while we measure your wang
We're keeping you safe
Tony H. • November 17, 2010 1:13 PM
A TSA screener named Bob,
Finds only delight in his job.
"I feel for 'resistance',
Then call for assistance,
If something in there is athrob."
Harmy G • November 17, 2010 2:32 PM
Ralph fails at Haiku
TSA fails at all things
Vegas, here I come!
kingsnake • November 17, 2010 3:45 PM
(To the tune of "Monk from Dundee" ...)
-----
Osama was once from Saud Arabie
'Til he went to Afghanistan to flee
He said "la-la-la-la-la-la-BOOM!"
When the Predators come
Must be the ol' M-O-A-B
Neil • November 17, 2010 5:56 PM
Thank you so much, Pete, for the pedantry. Very interesting to read about senryu!
Lawrence A. Husick • November 17, 2010 9:25 PM
Stand thusly, hands up
Government perverts see all
Except what matters
Tim Stevens • November 17, 2010 11:41 PM
Humiliate me
Waste my time for no reason
But don’t touch my junk
None of the Above • November 18, 2010 12:29 AM
The Democrats and
the Republicans both
hate our freedoms.
kingsnake • November 18, 2010 6:51 AM
Moo: +1
B: Re ... squids. Don't give the TSA probers any ideas! *shudder*
Nick • November 18, 2010 8:17 AM
Take your shoes off please
What could I be hiding there?
Now take off your pants
Nicko • November 18, 2010 10:48 AM
Seeking the old threats.
Blind to what might happen next.
Magical thinking!
Winston Smith • November 18, 2010 12:09 PM
How about a limerick or two?
A pilot went to the airport
and mistook it for a fort
he tried to board the plane
but first, they cried, some pain
and now the airlines est mort
A lady went for a visit
security went ballistic
they exposed her chest
in front of the rest
another agent said: Did I miss it?
[Happened in Amarillo in 2008, lawsuit in progress]
A citizen was treated like a punk
into his pants, security's hands nearly sunk
it sparked a fire
as citizens grew tired
all because he said "don't touch my junk"
~WS
Davi Ottenheimer • November 18, 2010 7:17 PM
@ Clive Robinson
"I'm told there is more to American Haiku than 575 such as "season words" and "cuts"... so,"
Yes, they also are best when they capture a moment in time, a repeating effect caused by that moment, and an endless state of being...oh, and are written in Japanese.
But I think the American haiku poetry movement after the 1960s, like the treatment of sushi, removed all formal requirements including taste. Don't get me started on teriyaki...
TED Vinson • November 19, 2010 7:42 AM
Fourth Amendment? Hah!
T,S and A are more than
Halfway to Stasi
kingsnake • November 19, 2010 9:40 AM
Chevy Chase "Fletch Lives!"
TSA reboot, you us-
ing the whole fist, doc?
Christopher Vera • November 22, 2010 12:28 AM
You security poets could do me a world of a favor by contributing to security haiku.com! :-P
Christopher Vera • November 22, 2010 12:32 AM
Of course I meant "securityhaiku.com" but Steve Jobs and my iPad think they know better than me :-/
Sander • December 15, 2010 4:55 AM
The underpants bomber would never have gotten on that plane to Detroit if Homeland Security had realized that Umar Farouk Abdulmatallab is Ballatamludba Kuoraf Ramu spelled backwards
Stewart Dean • December 15, 2010 9:50 AM
Please. Haikus are about elegant expressions. The nature of terrorism is much better expressed in a lower form, the limerick.
Taking but 2-3 minutes and indulging in some shameless plagirization:
A nasty young terr of a Saudi
Had PETN found in Abu Dhabi
Said the terr, don't shout
and wave it about
Or I'll blow away everyone in the lobby
osceola256 • December 15, 2010 5:29 PM
Strip down now, boys left, girls right
All fly naked and all are safe
Safety first, thank you TSA.
Richard • December 17, 2010 3:37 PM
Leaked TSA book
Shows medical liquids are
Seized despite their need.
Richard • December 17, 2010 3:40 PM
Remote control car
Drives under X-ray machine
With explosive load.
Richard • December 17, 2010 3:42 PM
Plain dull butter knife,
Whet stone, wood blocks, and duct tape
Make sharp travel tool.
Richard • December 17, 2010 3:46 PM
Scanning beam gets stuck.
The smell of Christmas travel:
Roasting trav'ler's nuts.
Richard • December 17, 2010 3:54 PM
Probed body regions
And failed screening policies
Are alike: Both junk.
Richard • December 17, 2010 4:00 PM
Two screening lines please
One for folks with metal on
One for the prepared.
Richard • December 17, 2010 4:11 PM
Two screening lines please:
One for folks with metal on,
Other for prepared.
Richard • December 17, 2010 4:16 PM
Let us test screening.
TSA will not consent,
They would be exposed.
Richard • December 17, 2010 4:21 PM
Secur'ty theater,
Like cheap private burlesque show,
Watched by man in booth.
Richard • December 17, 2010 4:24 PM
Your right to refuse
Take your laptop, belt, and shoes
Another line choose.
Richard • December 17, 2010 4:27 PM
Chilled winter travelers
Welcome the scan and pat down
'cuz it warms their junk.
Elliott • December 25, 2010 10:59 AM
I liked the limericks best so far; here are more...
A young man who wanted to fly
away from point x to point y
was scanned, sniffed and tested
whilst being molested
for wearing the wrong color tie!
Oh why!
You cry!
But that's not as bad as the guy
with a shifty old look in his eye
who's arse full of PETN,
was cleared at the checkin,
and waltzed through on his very first try
----
and my favorite nursery rhyme adapted for 21st century travel
hey diddle diddle the cat, after it had been thouroughly dismantled and searched, played the fiddle,
the cow was not cleared to jump over the moon
the little dog found it hard to laugh after being replaced with a less efficient scanning device
and the Dish was disposed of owing to its potential as a cutting device.... As was the spoon
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