Schneier on Security

Clive Robinson • January 11, 2010 6:09 AM

@ ColoZ,

‘Last week, after leaving the TSA zone at Denver International Airport, I overheard a tattooed 25-year-old explaining to his girlfriend that “the stuff they do here is called security theater.”‘

Agh the “light gleams through yonder curtain” 8)

Ask yourself a question “how do you rid your land of Vampires”, and other similar parasites such as the TSA (Throat Sucking Agency) and it’s legions of cohorts?

Traditionaly for Vampires you need such things as mirrors, garlic etc then put a stake through the heart and chop off the head of the senior Vampire.

So lets do a comparison between “blood suckers”, that is the Traditional Vampire and the modern day Throat Sucking Agency (TSA). With an occasional reality check against other recognised evils from modern times.

Oh we also need to note where we are 😉

Step 1, [Done] “Identify the evil”,

Traditionaly Vampires have no reflection and are are afraid of the light, and also have real personal hygiene isues and roost with their own kind in caves of the dead (crypts) where the living do not tarry.

Likewise for the “Throat Sucking Agency” the first sign is a Brown Uniform, the second is are you in their usual roost if so and you see a Brown Uniform it’s TSA (or an Unfortunate Parcel Shuffler UPS person).

Coincidently ever since the 1930’s “Brown Shirts” have had such a bad name (and rightfully so as they where the decadent opening to worse evils that went on to plague the Earth for many years and arguably still do)…

Step 2, [Done] “Identify the real nature of the beast”

Traditionaly Vampires have hidden their true nature behind effected Social Graces and faux titles, which whilst it fools the unwary travaler does not long go unnoticed by the locals who pay the price of having such parasites roosting in their land.

Likewise the Throat Sucking Agents effect a socialy responsable position by pretending to protect unwary travalers and those whose land they roost in, whilst actually sucking the very life blood of such people. Whilst also practicing various forms of “self gratification” that offend the public sensibilities.

In modern times we call such organised crime behaviour a “Protection Racket” and because it’s such a danger we have laws against it. Likewise to stop such abuse starting in legitimate protection authorities there are usually clear open rules and oversight by which they are governed and by which redress is possible. Secret rules and little no or hidden oversight and no real right of redress is a sure sign that it’s a Racketering Agency.

Step 3 [Done], “Name the Beast by what they are”,

Traditionaly those that suck the very life blood out of a body have been called quite rightly by their victims “Blood Suckers”, “Leaches”, “Parasites” etc. However their more slimy human brethrin get offended by being classed with the beasts and thus prefer more distinctive names such as “Vampir”, and they give themselves “faux Authority” by effecting titles such as “Count” or the hounoriffic “von”.

Likewise the Throat Sucking Agents do not like their victims calling them “Blood Suckers”, “Leaches”, “Parrasites” etc, and get realy upset when you compare them by their very actions to the equivalent beasts. Thus they effect “faux authority” and give themselves titles such as “Agent” that they think will give them an air of legitamacy.

However there is one thing they hate more than being compared to beasts. That is of being compared to “fools”, “jesters” and mear “bit part actors” which “Security Thearter” implies they are. There is no dignity or purpose thus authority when you are held up publicaly to be a “fool” and people laugh at you.

In times past petty criminals (petty conmen etc) when their faux titles and names where seen through where often stripped “Tarred-n-feathered” and paraded around town to be laughed at and humilliated for their failed efforts, before being forcfully ejected.

I’m sure there are many people who are already forming a line to do the same to many of the Throat Sucking Agents.

Step 4 [Done], “Find the Silver Bullet”,

Traditionaly Vampires like all mythical undead creatures have a weakness against which their formidable attributes are powerless to protect thus they have no defence when the weakness is exploited.

The usual name for such a weakness is an “Achelies Heal” which comes from acient Greek Mythology. However the name traditionaly given to the weapon which exploits such a weakness is “silver bullet” and comes from the myths and legeands of warewolves. Vampires have a number of weaknessess one of which was being exposed to the “light of day” however it did not entirely kill them just rendered them to impotent dried husk or dust that if not scattered to the four winds would wait for some later resurection by more “life blood”.

The Throat Sucking Agency has many weaknessess but at the end of the day their faux legitamacy is held in place by an apparently unrestrained and secretive brut authority titled to them by “those above” (Politicos) to use on the “traveling masses” (and occasional voters).

In actuality the TSA is sustained on a self generated myth of competence designed mainly as smoke and mirrors to gull “those above” that hold the strings to the tax purse that holds the TSAs very life blood (your money). Unfortunatly their “secretative” behaviour is reminicant of the old “gull the polititions” ruse of “if you knew what I know” which is usually a “compleat load…” but the Politicos accept nearly every time (for one reason or another).

Thus as with Vampires exposure to “the light of day” or in the TSA case “the truth about their activities” might render them impotent and dried up husks of their former selves, not totaly dead, but virtually lifeless (but probably more effective 😉

However the truth only matters if “those above” take it on board. As long as they can say “But you don’t know what we know” then like the Wizzard in the land of Oz the myth holds.

The simplest way to make them “take it on board” is by attacking the myth of competance in a way that can not be stopped. No politician will want to be seen as sponsoring an expensive joke, and the fastest way to make the TSA a joke is to openly laugh at them.

That is their self inflated myth like a ballon pops when you give it the needle. And as many know authority is only held by respect or fear and is lost entirely when the supposed holder of that authority is seen as a laughing stock.

The one thing conmen and the majority of naredowells fear most is that they are not taken seriously as controling other people belife is their stock in trade. They know that against laughter at their efforts they cannot win, the best they can hope for is to claw up a draw and escape retribution because their marks are to busy laughing at them. So all they can do is laugh with you and hope you continue to see the funny side whilst they escape.

Step 5 [~], “A champion has to step forward”,

Traditionaly Vampires got away with their behaviour simply because ordinary individuals alone could not stand up against them, and if they tried where subject to the worst of tourtures and then death. This is because as individuals they lacked the strength, skill and unity of purpose. Thus a “champion had to come forward” to teach the skill, and unite the people and thus have the strength to rid the land of the parasites. That is a “van Helsing” who takes the fight to the heart of the parrasite nest and slays the leader.

Currently some brave souls have taken on the Throat Sucking Agency but lacking the skills many have been brow beaten and humiliated privately and publicaly by them. Even some of the strong have gone to their graves without managing to right the wrong done to them.

When it comes to fighting criminals and naerdowells there are many many occasions when an unlikley champion has come forward and rid their land of the parasites or provided the unity of purpose to others to carry forward the battle.

Step 6 [in progress], “Build an opposition”,

Traditionaly Vampires and other such mythological undeads have sucummbed to “the mob” carrying pitchforks and flaming tourches.

Unfortunatly when the Vampires had built a cohort of support it neededs more than just a mob of unskilled pitch fork wavers to clear them out, otherwise like a plague of locust they will keep coming back.

That is you need an organisation to “exorcise the undead from the land”. Such exorcising is usually a right reserved by the “moral keepers” of the land, however as the old joke has it “Where’s a Priest when you need one?”

Unfortunatly these days the “moral keepers” of society are not that effective and thus, the lunatics have taken over the asylum (as normal 😉 …

People joke about “You don’t have to be mad to work here but it helps”, with Politics though it appears you have to be “mad or bad or both these days 8(

As a politician in a representational democracy, supposadly the most important task you have is to “represent the will of the people”…

Hmm these days it looks more like “represent your self and the lobyists” comes first and foremost. With either bribe or keep them in fear for the “rif-raf voters”. This is so as a politician you get to keep your cushy political job deciding how to spend other peoples money to your best advantage…

Thus as the Throat Sucking Authority is part of that “keep the rif-raf scared” policy you need to let the Politicos know by Force Majeure (from the Latin “casus fortuitus” via France ~ superior force) that, this is not what the “rif-raf voters” want…

Step [7], “Make your force superior”,

All forces both big and small can shift mountins it just requires a force multiplier to act and or the time to do it.

There are many ways to do it some just use charm other weapons of mass determination. Which ever works best for the manpower you start with is best initialy.

Mind you as a friend once put it “A long pole with a sharp end just needs the right place to be put.. oh and a fulcrum helps when sense does not ;)”.

Step [], “Control the force”,

But the force must not be seen as an “unruly mob”.

As firstly the spector of people bearing rope, pitchforks and burning tourches tend to make politicians scream “lynch mob” which is generaly counter productive (which is why they or their lobyist friends do infere it quite often).

Secondly the lobyists though seldom heard by the “rif-raf voters” have the ear of the politicians, and you need to be organised so that your voice is clear and loud to drown the leaches out.

There are two ways to deal with lobyists, the first is unfortunatly the “hang em high” method of “sticking heads on poles on the city gates to act as a deterant”. Whilst having a pleasing medieval appeal to it, lobyists like most rodents scurry around doing their business in the dark, and thus quite happily walk (and deficate/urinate) on the bodies of their fallen peers and some have been known to stop and nibble on a nice ripe corpse or two in the process. Thus they tend not to be detered but encoraged by you removing their competition…

The second and perhaps best way is to get down and dirty and play the game in ways even they won’t.

The first thing to do is lift the lid on the festering sewar they frequent and bring them out in the light for all to see, thus remove their pretence of being “kept in the dark”. Then taking them to the cleaners one way or another such that their act is judged and found to “offend the public morals” in a way that hurts. The best way is to stop the money flow by making them and those for whom they act impotent by turning them into “laughing stocks”.

Once the laughter starts you make it abundantly clear that those who associate with them will be likewise held up to public ridicule and carefull and indepth analysis of their lives in all respects carried out in the full light of the public gaze.

Unfortunatly as cushy money making carears are on the line you can expect the lobyists to start fighting back so it will get dirty.

Which means you have to win the “hearts and minds” of the public first. The real impediment to this is those who control the media. But as was once pointed out to me the only person who cannot be detered is the one with nothing to lose and everything to gain.

I could go on with the juciy bits involving stakes decapitation defenistration and immuring, but apparently we are civilised these days (yeah right, pass me the mallet 😉