Schneier on Security

Secret Plan Foiled • December 7, 2007 10:07 PM

Ideas? Well, here is the truth. Now it can be told: Another secret plan to stop the distribution of music over the Internet has been foiled.

“They” were using Binary Blanket Chemistry. Alone, the “A” and “B” solutions are only mildly dangerous. But, both are fragrant and they make blankets feel soft. But, rub them together with a little elbow grease and you got a powerful reaction that amplifies the usual static charge that happens in such circumstances and produces a giant Electro Magnetic Pulse (EMP) that frys any electronics within range. Binary Blanket Chemistry does not produce an explosion.

This secret terrorist plot was uncovered by undercover operatives who were working in a blanket mill. They noticed an unusual number of shipments of even-numbered quantities of blankets to the target city.

While the exact formulation of the binary components has been classified, a similar, but much less powerful, binary gives you an idea of how this Binary Blanket Chemistry works:

http://www.tannerite.com/she_exploding_targets.html

Only, with Binary Blanket Chemistry, all you have to do to trigger the EMP is to rub the binary blankets together. You don’t have to shoot ’em like you have to do with the tannerite targets at the above Website.

Now, imagine a concentration of binary blanket-rubbers!

So, “they” soaked many red blankets in the “A” solution and many yellow blankets in the “B” solution.

Once the blankets were dry, they distributed them to cooperating pairs of blanket-rubbers. Once safely through the security check point, the blanket-rubbers would have been free to find their other half and merely rub their blankets together on queue – on that fifth note, you know – and Zap!! – Electronics are destroyed.

So, quit disparaging the vicious and opportunistic capitalism of the vendors who were selling blankets and water, and thank your lucky stars that we know about Binary Blanket Chemestry!

Also, there has been a recent development. It seems that there is now confusion about who “they” are. You see, the band has been systematically distributing their music on the Internet, outside of the usual distribution channels. Sources say that “they” are actually music industry operatives who wanted to eliminate the band – they were a bad influence on other bands who use traditional distribution channels for their music.

Proof of this seems to lie in the fact that the first 5 rows of seats were to be filled with alternating red and yellow blanket carriers. On the queue of that fifth note, these blanket-rubbers were to turn toward one another and rub vigorously. And, Zap!! – no more Internet-distributed band music to annoy “them”.

You see, the band knows that “they” are after them. Therefore, the band carries the server that distributes their music to the Internet along with them as they tour. With the latest satellite up-link technology, their pipe to the Internet is always open wherever they are and “they” can’t get to it to stop the flow of music – as long as there is fuel for the generator on the tour buss, that is.

However, “they” discovered that the the machine that distributes the band’s music is known to be connected to the system that controls the lights in the concert. And, you guessed it, these systems have not been protected against EMP. Further, all of the wires that are strung out to the lights act as a giant antenna that intensifies the EMP and directs it into the target system.

A disgruntled salesman who unsuccessfully tried to sell the band an EMP-resistant system told “them” that the band did not have a business continuity plan or a disaster recovery plan. Hence, “they” knew that all “they” needed to do was hit that one system and the band would have to come crawling back to “them” as a distribution channel.