Dave Barry on Super Bowl Security

Also, if you are planning to go to the Super Bowl game on Sunday, be aware that additional security measures will be in effect, as follows:

WHEN TO ARRIVE: All persons attending the game MUST arrive at the stadium no later than 7:45 a.m. yesterday. There will be NO EXCEPTIONS. I am talking to you, Prince.
PERSONAL BELONGINGS: Fans will not be allowed to take anything into the stadium except medically required organs. If you need, for example, both kidneys, you will be required to produce a note from your doctor, as well as your actual doctor.
TAILGATING: There will be no tailgating. This is to thwart the terrorists, who are believed to have been planning a tailgate-based attack (code name ”Death Hibachi”) involving the detonation of a nuclear bratwurst capable of leveling South Florida, if South Florida was not already so level to begin with.
TALKING: There will be no talking.
PERMITTED CHEERS: The National Football League, in conjunction with the Department of Homeland Security, the FBI, the CIA and Vice President Cheney, has approved the following three cheers for use during the game: (1) ”You suck, ref!” (2) ”Come on, (Name of Team)!” (3) “You suck, Prince!”

Back in 2004, I wrote a more serious essay on security at the World Series.

Tags: humor, sports, terrorism

Posted on February 6, 2007 at 7:31 AM • 14 Comments

Comments

Benny • February 6, 2007 8:39 AM

Speaking of security at sporting events, did you hear about the suspension of all football matches in Italy following the death of a policeman at a match?

http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport2/hi/football/6326513.stm

mpd • February 6, 2007 9:18 AM

Does anyone know if they still frisk every attendee entering the stadium at regular season football games? I know they did it a year or two ago, I’m wondering if they did it this season.

TeesMyBody.com T-Shirts • February 6, 2007 10:35 AM

Haha, please tell me joking about the “tail-gating terrorists”.

Anonyhmous • February 6, 2007 10:45 AM

I’m all for security satire, but for once I must disagree with you, Bruce: Dave Barry has never been funny.

Eric • February 6, 2007 10:53 AM

I don’t know why Dave Barry thinks that Superbowl security has been improved, but in Italy, the cause is definitely quite real, and related to extremely violent supporters (a.k.a. hooligans).

The British hooligans are well-known, but they are all over Europe. In the past few months, several clubs, for instance in Netherlands and in France, got in trouble because of their supporters. Making the clubs liable for their supporters is a good idea, and I believe it more or less follows the general ideas that we like on this blog.

Now, how to do it is another issue. Clubs are likely to check ID’s, install surveillance cameras, and many more interesting security measures.

Nevertheless, stadium security is becoming a big problem in Europe, and the solution is far from obvious.

Vicki • February 6, 2007 11:01 AM

Eric,

There’s nothing here to suggest that Dave Barry actually thinks Super Bowl security has been improved: he’s making fun of (a) security theatre, and (b) Prince.

Michael Ash • February 6, 2007 11:46 AM

Has security really become so bad that people can no longer tell the difference between Dave Barry and serious government officials?

Matthew Skala • February 6, 2007 1:43 PM

Elect Dave Barry!

Tom • February 6, 2007 2:24 PM

Perhaps if Mr. Barry has used Lite Brites to get his message across, it would’ve been taken more seriously. (At least in Boston, anyway)

bobechs • February 6, 2007 8:32 PM

All we need for proof that the terrorists have won, is for good men to be forced to use Lite Brites to communicate!

Paul • February 7, 2007 4:21 AM

Dear Anonyhmous,

You clearly show you are a terrorist by the fact that you have no sense of humour. I, on the other hand, nearly wet myself every time i read Dave Barry. We will be sending Prince around join you shortly – you deserve each other.

Corey • February 7, 2007 9:26 AM

Re: “Elect Dave Barry!”

Dave usually runs. Typically his platform involves e.g. improving urinal safety (to defend the public against exploding urinals). Looks like even Dave has to fearmonger about some threat, though, to be fair, there have been more urinal explosions than Super Bowl terrorist attacks…

Mark • February 15, 2007 3:44 PM

Here’s a description of a Super Bowl prank that involves moving a couple of vanloads of stuff through security:

http://www.zug.com/gab/index.cgi?func=view_thread&thread_id=72434
http://www.zug.com/gab/index.cgi?func=view_thread&thread_id=72451

Johnny P. • February 19, 2007 9:11 AM

With regards to Mark’s reference to zug.com, everything is true. Ask NFL security. Why no-one takes this serious is beyond me. What if terrorists spelled a message instead of four comedians?

Dave Barry on Super Bowl Security

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