Schneier on Security

tc • June 23, 2006 2:41 PM

YEAR 2000 (Y2K) PARABLE
submitted by Penny Pennington

There was once a COBOL programmer in the mid to late 1900s. For
the sake of this story, we'll call him Jack. After years of being
taken for granted and treated as a technological dinosaur by all
the UNIX programmers and Client/Server programmers and Web site
developers, Jack was finally getting some respect. He'd become a
private consultant specializing in Year 2000 conversion. He was
working short-term assignments for prestigious companies,
traveling all over the world on different assignments. He was
working 70 and 80 and even 90 hour weeks, but it was worth it.

Several years of this relentless, mind-numbing work had taken its
toll on Jack. He had problems sleeping and began having anxiety
dreams about the year 2000. It had reached a point where even the
thought of the year 2000 made him nearly violent. He must have
suffered some sort of breakdown, because all he could think about
was how he could avoid the year 2000 and all that came with it.

Jack decided to contact a company that specialized in cryogenics.
He made a deal to have himself frozen until March 15, 2000. This
was a very expensive process and totally automated. He was
thrilled. The next thing he would know is he'd wake up in the
year 2000; after the New Year celebrations and computer debacles;
after the leap day. Nothing else to worry about except getting on
with his life.

He was put into his cryogenic receptacle, the technicians set the
revive date, he was given injections to slow his heartbeat to a
bare minimum, and that was that.

The next thing that Jack saw was an enormous and very modern room
filled with excited people. They were all shouting, "I can't
believe it!" and "It's a miracle!" and "He's alive!" There were
cameras (unlike any he'd ever seen) and equipment that looked
like it came out of a science fiction movie.

Someone who was obviously a spokesperson for the group stepped
forward. Jack couldn't contain his enthusiasm. "It is over?" he
asked. "Is 2000 already here? Are all the millennial parties and
promotions and crises all over and done with?"

The spokesman explained that there had been a problem with the
programming of the timer on Jack's cryogenic receptacle, it
hadn't been year 2000 compliant. It was actually 8,000 years
later, not the year 2000. But the spokesman told Jack that he
shouldn't get excited; someone important wanted to speak to him.

Suddenly, a wall-sized projection screen displayed the image of a
man who looked very much like Bill Gates. This man was Prime
Minister of Earth. He told Jack not to be upset. That this was a
wonderful time to be alive. That there was world peace and no
more starvation. That the space program had been reinstated and
there were colonies on the moon and on Mars. That technology had
advanced to such a degree that everyone had virtual reality
interfaces which allowed them to contact anyone else on the
planet, or to watch any entertainment, or to hear any music
recorded anywhere.

"That sounds terrific," said Jack. "But, I'm curious. Why is
everybody so interested in me?"

"Well," said the Prime Minister, "The year 10,000 is just around
the corner, and it says in your files that you know COBOL."